Bullying

[DaddyBear77]

It occurred to me tonight that my uBPDw / uNPDw is bullying me.

I fight back in various ways, including trying to "one up" her on occasion.

But what I'd like to know is, what's the most effective counter measure for bullying?

DB

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Daddybear- your wife may indeed be a bully, but the format of your question concerns me because-it makes her the bully and you the victim.

When someone takes victim role, they do not assume responsibility for the situation, and it renders them helpless. Maybe she bullies you, but if you take victim mode, it disempowers us.

Bullies are cowards. They seek out victims. Why do they bully them?

Because they can.

It is said, we teach others how to treat us- by tolerating poor treatment and/or reinforcing it by giving in to their demands.

Why does she bully you? It works for her.

How to stop it? Boundaries- you don't take it. You don't give in, you walk away, and if she persists to the point of harm, you call 911 or the cops.

There are consequences for bullies. So long as you fear her bullying or the consequences, she will keep on bullying you.

Sometimes love is in the form of tough love. It isn't good for her to be a bully, so even if this feels unloving, not tolerating this is tough love.

What would you tell your kid if she came home upset because a bully picked on her?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Daddybear ,

Welcome to the board. You'll find many people here who experience being bullied by their pwBPD. It's frustrating and for many of us we want to find answers as to how to fix things. It's important to understand that us Nons contribute to some of the drama in our lives. There are many workshops listed on the right side of the page that can help you learn how to communicate better with your wife.

As for bullying, how has trying to one up her worked? Does it intensify the conflict? What would happen if you tried to be honest with her about how her bullying affects you. What if you said, "I feel like I am being bullied. That hurts my feelings. Please stop." How do you think she would respond?

Here is a link to one of our workshops on ending conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[DaddyBear77]

1. I am not a victim. I allow the bullying to occurr.

2. Last night I said "I feel like you're bullying me" and the response was exactly as expected: "Bulls--t! YOU are bullying ME! Why do you constantly try and turn things around on me?"

3. Boundaries are the answer is what I heard. Being prepared to walk away, all the way away if needed, is a very hard thing for me. I recognize that I feel "trapped" - e.g., if I physically leave in the night, what about my daughter? If I take it all the way, am I willing to go through with separation and divorce.

4. Feeling trapped is NOT the same thing as ACTUALLY being trapped.

Am I on target here?

[Grey Kitty]

There is a really tricky thing about abusive behavior (aka bullying) It often goes like this:

The abuser (bully) is feeling some real pain, is really feeling hurt.

The abuser doesn't have good tools to cope with this pain, and projects it onto the other person. This works well enough that they really believe that the other person caused their pain, often believing they are being abused!

The abuser then "punishes" the person they are projecting onto because they "deserve" it. (Yes, this part actually *IS* abuse.)

Note that this doesn't involve the abuser thinking "I'm going to be a mean bully and abuse this person by XXXX"


This makes it impossible to talk about abuse or bullying in a productive way, as both parties honestly feel that they are the one being abused. So don't do it.


Instead of saying "I feel like you are bullying me" wait for it to start.

Then say "I won't be spoken to that way". (And be prepared to leave the room, leave the house if you are followed around, etc.)

The bad news--you cannot convince her that she is "wrong" to abuse/bully you.
The good news--you don't have to convince her that she is "wrong" and you are "right". All you have to convince her is that even if you are "wrong" you aren't going to negotiate, and you aren't going to let her do this to you, no matter how "wrong" you are, no matter how "unfair" it is, etc.


When it comes to physically leaving at night with your daughter left there, let me ask you--are you concerned that she will physically or emotionally abuse your daughter? That she will take out the anger she has at you on her when you go away?

If so, you have much tougher choices.

If not, just go. Be consistent about it. Pretty soon she will come to believe your actions, although the extinction burst may be ugly as she gets there.

[DaddyBear77]

are you concerned that she will physically or emotionally abuse your daughter? That she will take out the anger she has at you on her when you go away?

No, I am not concerned that she will be explicitly emotionally or physically abusive. I am not afraid that she will take it out on her.

What will happen is that my wife will cry, wail, scream, even with me gone, and otherwise upset things to the point where someone needs to console D3. In the past, she has refused to do this. I have always stuck around to provide that consolation / support.

I've thought about, obsessed over this scenario for years - it's one of the primary obsessions keeping me stuck. I believe at this point I may have to just take my / our chances and leave (without D3) in order to move things toward a greater good.

[Grey Kitty]

What will happen is that my wife will cry, wail, scream, even with me gone, and otherwise upset things to the point where someone needs to console D3. In the past, she has refused to do this. I have always stuck around to provide that consolation / support.

This is hard. The best thing you can do is decide what your threshold is for abuse/neglect of D3. Find your line in the sand. I'm not a parent, and I can't say where YOUR line is, or what you should do about this situation.

Then at any time, ask yourself which side of the line your wife is on. It is a yes/no question, with no wiggling, no grey area.

If she's gone too far, you have to take action to protect your daughter. It may be harsh, may be a divorce and a fight to get custody, may be involving child protective services or police. It might be lower impact, taking D3 away for a little while. [Although she may choose to escalate that situation into something ugly.]

If she hasn't gone too far, then you don't let this behavior manipulate you.

Don't get stuck in "maybe" land not acting. (You've been there a while now, and you know how it is working for you!)

P.S. Crying and wailing without an audience isn't all that fun for most people; she will probably get tired of it faster than you expect.

[WitzEndWife]

My uBPDh can be a real bully, and I used to think the only weapon I had was to fight back. However, most of our arguments ended up in screaming matches, where he raged and often did scary things. Bullies have power over you because they get a reaction. For BPDs a reaction is validating or makes them feel powerful. You can disarm them by using the tools found on this site, and generally just trying to manage your own feelings, instead of letting them get to you.

At first I thought it was impossible to curb my anger at some of the hurtful things he says, but, little by little, I'm starting to stay calmer and calmer in various situations. I'm not cool as a cucumber all of the time, but I do try to catch myself when I hear my voice rising, or when I feel myself going on the defensive. The trick to staying off of the defensive is not to engage with their baseless accusations.

For example, my H raged at me one morning for leaving the heat on in the car from my early morning drive to work out. He put on his bullying tone and went on and on about how he could not BELIEVE how many times he'd told me that the temperature regulated itself, and not to turn the heat up. My instinct would have been to say, "I guess I'm just a HORRIBLE person then, for turning the heat on! Guess I should be taken out back and horse whipped!" or something equally dramatic. Instead, I took a breath, and said, "Well, I certainly didn't do it to upset you. I was really cold this morning and needed instant heat. They make the dial adjustable for a reason." That ended the tirade quite simply because he realized that he didn't have power over me, and that he couldn't make me a part of his rage and sphere of control.

Once they don't control your emotions, they don't control you. The more you can take care of yourself, the better you will feel, and the better your relationship will be.