Hello, everyone!
I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted here.
Seeing that I haven't been involved in a BPD relationship that entire time, I can understand why.
But this is the time of year when that dark chapter in my life finally came to an end.
We all know that changing seasons can spark powerful memories in us... .and I've found myself reflecting (in amazement) on what once seemed to be an endless nightmare.
Reading through my old posts takes me right back, and personally, I'm glad! It's good to have that record of how I got out of the trap, and managed to start over from the ground up.
Seeing that I have not felt this good in many years (perhaps never!) I feel that it would be a huge disservice to act as if my experiences with BPD never happened and ignore those who still feel trapped.
There are still lots of people out there hurting very deeply, feeling lost and confused, and unsure of where to start next (hence this wonderful forum).
Decided to log on tonight and finally get around to posting what eventually happened.
In an nutshell, it gets better!
No, really, it does!
Starting with the final breakup (no need to retell the whole saga), here's how things unfolded.
First Week: Felt guilty, conflicted, worthless and destroyed. Went to stay with my parents. Bed-ridden, sick to my stomach, unable to eat or sleep. Went through stages of denial. Periodically responded to her text messages and e-mails. Seriously considered going back to talk in person, but fought with every breath in my body not to. This is the hardest part, but it is essential to getting further.
Second Week: Dedicated a whole day to e-mailing old friends and asking how they were doing. Explained my situation and expressed regret for not having stayed in touch when I was in the abusive relationship of three years. Let them all know how much they mean to me. Still felt too physically ill to get outside, eat much, or sleep through the night. Constant worry that she would show up at the house.
A Few Weeks Later: Mustered up the courage to go see a therapist. This was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was shocked to start sobbing almost immediately after sitting down in the chair. Barely a word had been spoken. I was worried that she would think I was dangerously unstable, but she only handed me a tissue and offered to listen to whatever I wanted to talk about. I now realize that those were tears of release. I was finally trying to let go and move on. By my last session, we were actually sharing some very happy conversations about everything from music festivals to bird migrations. Not all heroes wear capes. Thank you, therapists, for all that you do!
A month later: Went on a few outings with old friends. Decided to rediscover my true identity. A good question to ask yourself is "If I weren't in a relationship and didn't need to be in one, who would I be? What would I value and believe in? What would I do for fun? How would I describe myself?" This was the time when I started taking very long, contemplative walks on warm nights. The walking was very good for me and got me back into physical activity. Lifted some weights, did some push-ups, and started driving out to the nature preserve where I used to work. Attended a few concerts, and got the spontaneous idea to take harp lessons. Stayed up late cooking vegetarian Indonesian cuisine. I suddenly felt an energy that I hadn't felt in a very long time. This was my life, and the possibilities were endless!
Two months later: Went on a few dates with a friend. We had no serious relationship intentions, but it was lots of fun to get outside and talk with her. I observed my friend closely and asked myself "Why do I enjoy spending time with her? What makes her a good person? How does she treat me?" I realized that even if we weren't going to end up in a romantic situation, she was still a good friend, and displayed many of the characteristics that I would want in a more intimate relationship. This was the same month when I was Best Man at my brother's wedding. I felt sad on that day to remember that I no longer had a "somebody", but also used it as an opportunity to observe my brother and sister-in-law and observe what made their own relationship a positive one.
I had a great epiphany one evening while attending a comic book convention on a local university campus. There were hundreds of people there, all having fun together. All different backgrounds, body types and social skills. Some were in relationships. They were having fun being out and about, playing together and enjoying each other's company. I admired their commitment to what they were interested in, and their ability to share it with others. What did I have to contribute?
Finally decided to set up an online dating profile. But this time, I would be perfectly honest about who I was. I wanted to be like those people at the comic book convention: straightforward, upfront, and not willing to cave in or change my identity for anyone else's approval. I was no longer looking for A relationship, but the RIGHT relationship for me.
Three months later: By this time, I had gotten an exciting offer for a one-year job contract out of state. Forced myself to drive out to the interview and overcame my fear of long-distance driving in the process. Was set to relocate at the end of the summer.
I had also made a very, very exciting new friend whom I met through my dating profile.
We began to meet up on weekends for walks around her interesting neighborhood, board games on her patio, movies, art festivals, and lunches in the park.
She was gorgeous, but I knew by now that there are far more important traits to look for in a prospective partner.
She was also incredibly kind and encouraging, in a very genuine way.
"That's awesome that you got that job out of state!" she told me. "It's so much in line with who you are and what you want to do. I think you'll get a lot of valuable experience from it."
I knew I would be relocating at the end of the summer, and she knew it too, but we were still enjoying all of our time together.
Along the way, she happened to meet my family, and I got to meet hers.
"I love them!" she told me. "What a beautiful group of people. I have so much fun with them."
I'll admit that my insecurities hadn't completely vanished at this point. It was around this time that memories of the old relationship began resurfacing. I kept wondering when this one would suddenly flip out at me for no reason or tell me why my family was despicable.
But that never happened.
She lived with her Dad and sister, and both were amazing people. We had such a great time, and I started staying over on weekends.
My new friend was a hard worker with a steady job and plans for graduate school. Very focused, goal-oriented, and neat and tidy too!
It couldn't have been a better summer.
Four months later: "Who was I kidding?" she eventually said. "Short-term? Casual? Yes, despite the challenges, I think I've fallen for you."
We knew it would be difficult with my working out of state for a year, but she seemed very excited at the possibility of pursuing a true romantic relationship. Both of our families caught on, and were very happy and encouraging.
I was still a little nervous, but so far, no bad signs. The "new one", let's call her "Erica", was an all-around hard-working, honest, faithful, affectionate and inspiring person who loved to have fun and stuck with her word. Was I really so lucky? What was the catch?
Five months later: Imagine my shock when I learned that "Erica" had been spending time with my family while I was away!
"They're just such a fun group of people, and they love inviting me to events. How nice of them!"
We exchanged a few letters and cards, and before long, she had come out to visit me.
Things went well. Very well.
At one point, we were separated for two whole months. If there was going to be a meltdown or change of heart, it would be now.
But that never happened.
"We'll see each other when we can. You just keep doing what you need to do out there! I love you and will support you all the way!"
Soon I was back in town to visit... .for a little longer this time.
Then she was back out to see me.
And I was back out to see her.
And went back again.
*Plot Twist*
Around this time, "Erica" revealed something very interesting.
"Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder?" she asked one day.
Oh, no, I thought. No, no, no... .
"Well", she explained, "I felt you should know that my mother has it. That is why she doesn't live with my dad or my sister. I was born under very unusual circumstances, and my dad ended up getting custody of us. The most important thing about BPD is establishing boundaries, and we have all done a good job with it. I still visit my mom, but the divorce ended up being best for all of us. Just thought you should know about BPD if she ever says anything strange or offensive. I'm always here to talk about it and lend a hand, but hopefully that won't happen! Most importantly, I am very happy in life now and have everything I need."
I used that as an opportunity to cautiously open up about my own past with BPD. After all, it had shaped me in some major ways. My story ended up being shockingly similar to that of her father. He understood completely. We shared a very deep discussion one night which ended with tears and a tight group hug. Were we becoming family?
About a year later: More visits. More letters and phone calls and e-mails... .but no freak-outs. Not one. No put-downs or insults. Just lots of hard work and words of encouragement and euphoric moments together.
Well, I am now happily engaged.
Interestingly, my fiancee is a counselor who is completing a graduate degree to work with troubled adolescents and teens.
Every day, she works with people in serious crises.
And every day, she shows up with a smile and a warm hug and a reminder that she loves me.
We are thrilled, our families and friends are thrilled, and we couldn't be happier.
Those old times now feel like a life that belonged to someone else.
In a way, they did.
In my loneliness, I had forgotten who I was.
It took a dramatic breakup to send me out and find myself again... .and when I did, I just happened to stumble upon true love.
Don't give up hope, my friends! Face life one day at a time. Value yourself and discover your calling.
Again, it will get better.
It really will.
