Chaotic dating/relationship experience.. Righting an upside down world.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  hi everyone! I've recently come through a chaotic attempt at a relationship which ended up as nearly 4 months of mind boggling strangeness! I've questioned what I've been through with friends and family, and looked at a few things online, and found you guys through that, so I'm here to have a bit of a read up, nothing too heavy, as I dont fall into the co dependancy due to not being in touch with the person at present. It is cathartic to get things down and out of your head, and maybe sharing can help others but also the input from others can help with clarity, and moving on. I don't know if this thread is an appropriate place to try and succinctly outline my experience or not? But hello anyway!

[cubicinch]

  hi everyone! I've recently come through a chaotic attempt at a relationship which ended up as nearly 4 months of mind boggling strangeness! I've questioned what I've been through with friends and family, and looked at a few things online, and found you guys through that, so I'm here to have a bit of a read up, nothing too heavy, as I dont fall into the co dependancy due to not being in touch with the person at present. It is cathartic to get things down and out of your head, and maybe sharing can help others but also the input from others can help with clarity, and moving on. I don't know if this thread is an appropriate place to try and succinctly outline my experience or not? But hello anyway!

[mar356]

"  hi everyone! I've recently come through a chaotic attempt at a relationship which ended up as nearly 4 months of mind boggling strangeness! I've questioned what I've been through with friends and family, and looked at a few things online, and found you guys through that, so I'm here to have a bit of a read up, nothing too heavy, as I dont fall into the co dependancy due to not being in touch with the person at present. It is cathartic to get things down and out of your head, and maybe sharing can help others but also the input from others can help with clarity, and moving on. I don't know if this thread is an appropriate place to try and succinctly outline my experience or not? But hello anyway!"

What exactly happen in your four month stint that caused such mind boggling strangeness?

[cubicinch]

the more I've read up, the more it seems to point towards the typical happenings of trying to date someone with a PD. Started off as high paced, intense, she placed a lot of importance on it not failing, sex was immediate and she was very willing... although oddly the first experience was in total darkness. She had ideas, plans starting to formulate about what we could be/do together, and being a pretty woman, of course I was taken with her!

A few signs early on... a distance relationship (a few hrs drive) but she said she wasnt one for constant texting, so it was just every other day, and same with an hour on the phone. First time we met up (she booked a let for a week) and I went there, but mid week she wanted to stay at mine. Early hours she went from party mode to getting up and leaving with no explanation other than it was late. Next day after I went to find her she was not dressed and said she was undecided if she should contact me, and did not know why she left me. Other things: quite overbearing when talking, often making her point without allowing me to add to conversation...   she also wanted to visit her dad who lived near me... and he had been ill 3 years ago, but they hadnt spoken since then, due to them saying she wasnt supportive enough. At the end of the week I went with her to see family, and all was fine. I've since made friends with them. SHe had an ex, split up 3 yrs prior, but he had bought a home in the same street, and they were still in contact, although she said she was annoyed and had put her own house up for sale.

A few weeks later, all seemed okay and I arranged to stay over at hers, but then some odd texts arrived accusing me of not paying enough attention, not enough texts, I was always on facebook therefore talking to another woman etc. She wanted to do stuff with me and I hadn't done any of those things. This all seemed way over the top, as we had only known each other a short time, and with the distance, unable to move at her pace, which was too fast anyway.

I went over as planned and found her sitting at midday in a dark room, chain smoking and sitting with her dogs, looking very down. She said she felt unappreciated, depressed and ill with a cold. She confessed to having menopause troubles, and was taking prozac for depression. She didn't seem to know what she wanted and just admitted to confusion, so I had to leave, unresolved, I thought it was over.

It was nearly christmas, and my visit was to sort out stuff so she could spend it at mine, both looking forward to it. One critisism thrown at me was that she thought I'd buy her thoughtless gifts, which I hadn't. After a day or so to think, I had to go back, as I felt so bad leaving her in that state, and ultimately I had a gift to give her which was pretty special, so I took it over. I found her mood had changed and was more upbeat. She said christmas was a bit of a sad time and she wanted ours to be special and she hadnt tried to ruin it. We both resolved to put it behind us and indeed we had our christmas together and she stayed on longer, not wanting to leave. The bond was forming.

However, once back home, she seemed to change again. She seemed to be using the ex for favours (not sexual) quite blatently... although she accused him of mind games and being the reason for the split. I had a holiday week so went over again, but gradually her behaviour changed from what it was to being quite manipulating and starting to critisise me, put me down and tell me what I should do. She had a few immature mood swings in public, blaming me, which I just diffused and she went back to normal.

Without actually ending the 'relationship' she seemed to let things carry on, wanting me to be there, but not giving that mutual attention in return. Then she started going silent for a few days, but texting to say sorry, but it was like it didnt matter to her, she would still have me over and carry on.

It got worse, patterns start to appear, and after 2 weeks of no contact, a few texts seemed to suggest it was indeed over, but the silence and her moods/drugs got me quite worried. I went to tell her father, just someone knew that she was in a bit of a mess. Then it all came out, this pattern is evident throughout her life: short relationships, disrespect of people, using the ex who was a nice guy... controlling and manipulating. They had given up hope with her, and also she had deep insecurities about her looks and ageing, had also been on HRT as well as the prozac a few times before... had even got her ex to take it.

Anyway, obviously being a human being with emotions, you do fall for someone even though it ends up wrong. Can't be helped, but I've had to look at it and try to get some clarity so I can move on, and hopefully not fall for that in the future. I'm grateful to her family for being open about it and warning me really. It is sad, we all want to see her fulfil her life and those dreams, but she seems to always pull away and destroy them, unable to sort herself out. We know we cannot fix her, she would have to see it herself and be willing to face it, but that is her problem, she cant. She was also in debt... and she also has one last item of mine at hers, which I've text twice to ask her to post to me, as it is needed and I cant replace it. That was our last contact, and she promised she'd send it, but as yet has not... .if as though she is hanging on to it, like our relationship, possibly hoping to get me responding, or even any sort of reaction that makes her think she is in control... it's like the murderer who witholds where they hid the body... their trophy. I wont ask for it again, put it down to experience, and make myself see that the pattern of behaviour would have just continued on possibly until she got bored and drained me, or like i did, walked away. I've never met anyone like it.

[cubicinch]

other things she would say was stuff like criticising my hobbies and that we should do everything together, but not really planning those things to do or allowing time. Sorry about the long post... I put things down intially to the prozac and menopause, but having since spoken candidly to family, it does seem to be a longer running issue. Being from a dysfunctional family, it could go all the way back to that, and her lack of personal development. It's dodgy for me to start to label someone and I only give my account of course, it could be that she just didnt fancy me but its bad to string someone along when you know they have feelings and are trying.

Lots of signs though, even general comments passed to me, I know Im not guilty of, so it almost would appear that she has projected things that had been said to her. Like a deflection/protection. 

[mar356]

Definitely seems to show "Cluster B" personality traits.  You're also very lucky that her dad gave you some mindfulness insight on his daughter. Most people never get any closure and are left confused and scratching their heads thinking there is something wrong with themselves. May just keep the ex boy charming to fill temporary voids in her neediness.  They tend to come off very strong and slowly become more controlling. Mine said I didn't text her enough and then when I wouldn't submit to be controlled painted me black.  The thing that is hardest to see, but the most obviously red flag is the "black and white" or "all or nothing" thinking.  If you understand this and learn to accept that they are incapable of grey thinking or rationalizing; it will help you heal and detach most faster.  I found educated myself on PD has help tremendously and help ease the pain. Moving forward I know clear red flags to look for, despite many people having some of these characteristics the simplified way is to learn to spot the "dichotomous thinking". I think this is a kind of one fit all solution, but it isn't easy to see. Then again I'm a mechanical engineer, so I tend to notice subtle things you can't see.  Hope this helps and you're feeling a little better!

[mar356]

"other things she would say was stuff like criticising my hobbies and that we should do everything together, but not really planning those things to do or allowing time."

This is mirroring your identity and a covet manipulation tactic they use. If your hobby for example was going to the gym where you might run into another girl, she might want to do that hobby with you to make sure that doesn't happen and their self esteem isn't affected. They find things to criticize no matter what, I'm amazed of how good they are at it actually. Not allowing time to plan is part of their control grip, if you're waiting on them then you gave up some sort of autonomy.

[roberto516]

other things she would say was stuff like criticising my hobbies and that we should do everything together, but not really planning those things to do or allowing time. Sorry about the long post... I put things down intially to the prozac and menopause, but having since spoken candidly to family, it does seem to be a longer running issue. Being from a dysfunctional family, it could go all the way back to that, and her lack of personal development. It's dodgy for me to start to label someone and I only give my account of course, it could be that she just didnt fancy me but its bad to string someone along when you know they have feelings and are trying.

Lots of signs though, even general comments passed to me, I know Im not guilty of, so it almost would appear that she has projected things that had been said to her. Like a deflection/protection.  

I can't believe how relatable this is. In the beginning she'd ask what I wanted to do but if she also wanted to do something she'd really bully me into giving up. Then she got mad that I stopped offering suggestions for things to do.

AND then she said that we stopped doing things together. Which she failed to see was because she'd make plans and then when the time came she'd just want to order food and go to sleep by 8 pm . I don't know. It's delusional. And the way she has painted me as crazy because I tried so hard to have her give me a chance after all the times that I had given her chances. It's a mind screw. Sure as all hell.

AND i relate all too well. When she said she fell out of love with me because she wanted different things I flat out told her "You figure that out 2 months into a relationship. Not 15 months." And she called me irrational for saying I led her along. It's their inability to take blame and face guilts.

[cubicinch]

I would get quite intense motivated feedback from her and loved seeing her come to life sometimes and animated, but sometimes it would just be one sided. Then like has been said, she never seemed to actually deliver. Her family said she was like that in general, it wasn't just with me. She also seemed to get kicks out of winding up her mother, and teasing her young niece which also indirectly wound up her sister.

She never did it with dad and step mom, she seemed to respect them more, probably because she couldn't control them in the same way. 

[cubicinch]

I feel in a good place, some relief of having to deal with the uncertainty of it all, but also I still feel guilt, like I did when I had to walk away not knowing how to deal with the situation... you feel as though if you knew more at the time, you could actually try to see if deep down this person cared enough about you that they would accept that you're telling them they need professional help and that you'd be there to support them through it. They have to do that though, and probably don't see it; she will no doubt be blaming me, like she does everyone else. It's a stalemate situation, unless it escalates into something far more serious. One thing that troubled me was she used to keep saying she wanted to move out of her town to be nearer to me because of the high suicide rates.