18 yo senior worse

[7babies]

After a horrible weekend last weekend where I was shoved and spit on we had 3 normal days. She went to her counseling this morning and is now spoiling for a fight. I left the house to take her younger sister to dance but I will have to go home. She wants to quit therapy and says she doesn't have BPD. Do we continue to demand therapy to stay with us. She has no where else to go and I want her to graduate. She is planning college but I worry about how she will get by. She has gotten much worse in the past month. We went from no rage to rage at home to acting out wherever she is. I am sick. Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry your family is going thru this. You say she has gotten "much worse" in the past month.  What do you think is the cause?  Is she med compliant? having a tough time coping with the stress of school? Her acting out can be a sign of the turmoil she is going thru on the inside. Do you think there may be a shred of truth to her not having BPD? My d17 actually mentioned bi-polar to her doc while in residential and guess what, she was right!  Not good because she also has BPD, but it is what it is. Would you be able to have a conversation with her about counseling? She may not be well matched; I know we went thru half a dozen until our current one and she is fantastic with all of us.  I was able to convince my daughter and sell her on the idea that she deserves to live a happy/peaceful life if she would just cooperate, be honest and let us help. 

Things can get better, hang in there and keep posting; lots of people here can relate.

[ParentBPDgirl]

Hi,

You responded to the post about my 20 year old. I can completely understand what you're going through.

We did choose to make therapy and medicine a requirement, because she's uncontrollable and unmanageable without it.

I don't know - I feel your pain, I really do. Ours had a rough senior year, like awful, but she graduated, than we had one decent year where she had a stable job.

She's gotten worse (ours) over the past year.  We told her she had 30 days, no matter what. The truth his, once they become adults, like others had said, we can't 'make' them do anything.

I like RunningwithScissors post in response to my post I hope you read it... .because I think you'd find it hopeful.

[7babies]

I am sorry your family is going thru this. You say she has gotten "much worse" in the past month.  What do you think is the cause?  Is she med compliant? having a tough time coping with the stress of school? Her acting out can be a sign of the turmoil she is going thru on the inside. Do you think there may be a shred of truth to her not having BPD? My d17 actually mentioned bi-polar to her doc while in residential and guess what, she was right!  Not good because she also has BPD, but it is what it is. Would you be able to have a conversation with her about counseling? She may not be well matched; I know we went thru half a dozen until our current one and she is fantastic with all of us.  I was able to convince my daughter and sell her on the idea that she deserves to live a happy/peaceful life if she would just cooperate, be honest and let us help.  

Things can get better, hang in there and keep posting; lots of people here can relate.

I mean her rage has amped up from none pre-Thanksgiving to all 3 days last weekend. It mostly seems to be rage that we think she is sick but she thinks she isn't. She is not typical. She thinks since she doesn't cut/do drugs/have sex she doesn't have BPD. She reports thinking suicidally however. She even says she has a date. That was why we sought treatment to start. The rage only developed after treatment.

[7babies]

Hi,

You responded to the post about my 20 year old. I can completely understand what you're going through.

We did choose to make therapy and medicine a requirement, because she's uncontrollable and unmanageable without it.

I don't know - I feel your pain, I really do. Ours had a rough senior year, like awful, but she graduated, than we had one decent year where she had a stable job.

She's gotten worse (ours) over the past year.  We told her she had 30 days, no matter what. The truth his, once they become adults, like others had said, we can't 'make' them do anything.

I like RunningwithScissors post in response to my post I hope you read it... .because I think you'd find it hopeful.

Thank you for responding. She really has zero way to support herself since she is finishing high school. She is most likely the valedictorian so having her drop out seems so wrong. Her therapist feels if we can use financial leverage to make her go we should. He thinks she won't ever go back on her own. She is seen at a reduced fee clinic or we couldn't even supply that. I'm just hurt and sad. I know we all are.

[Momof8]

I understand the struggle with wanting your daughter to finish school.  Celebrate her desire to graduate and also go to college.  We have the opposite situation with my 16.5 year old.  She doesn't want to do anything school related and I am facing the facts that getting her treatment is more important than graduation on time.  This has been a hard pill to swallow.
Rages are so hard to deal with, they leave me spinning in my head and heart, like I can't catch my balance. 
I would definitely wonder if there is stress triggering the rages.  Maybe the valedictorian expectations on herself?  My daughter rages after we have positive interactions. She also rages when she is under stress, such as thinking that what is expected of her is not something she is worthy of doing.

[7babies]

Horrible day with suicide gestures, 911, admission and a forcible shot to calm her down. It was and is truly awful and I know she will be furious but I didn't have choices. It became physical and neither she nor I was safe let alone her two younger sisters upstairs. I am sad, exhausted, frightened.  You all know thanks for a place to fent.

[wendydarling]

Hi 7babies

You've had a horrible and scary day and I'm so sorry 7B.   Do you feel safe now? It's safe to share and vent here, it helps us gain back our balance and helps us move forwards, small steps work.

You say your daughter will be furious, she may be, she may be not?  This helped me when I felt fearful  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.

Do you have a friend, family member who understands and is there to support you and the girls?

We are here for you.
WDx 

[ParentBPDgirl]

I'm sorry to hear that. I know you wanted her to finish high school and get through as unscathed as possible.

I've been through the 911 call once, and admission. It's an awful awful night

How are you doing now? Are you okay? Do you now feel relieved because everyone for the moment is safe?

[7babies]

Thank you for the kind understanding. I needed that. Do I feel better? No. I feel like if I could have handled thing better maybe it would have been different. I will call today and have them ask if she would like a visit. I am not hopeful. At least they got to see the full on event. I think no one believes that such a charming girl can dissolve into frankly, a horrid mess not in touch with reality. At the end she was talking to herself in third person, began biting herself and slapping her own face. It was bizarre and the worst I've ever seen her. Maybe this doc will see that at least when she was on yore a she was rational. If you read this far thanks. I have absolutely no where else to discuss this.

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry things are spiraling downward for your family.  Our family had been thru multiple crises and know too well the impact it has on the entire family.

You did great... .you were able to get her to the hospital and keep yourself, her and your other children safe! 

I never felt better in the days after such an event either, sorry to say, but keeping it real. 

What is important is you did it, handled the event and are getting help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[7babies]

Thank you all for the kind words. Yesterday they report she spoke to no one but at least wasn't violent. All this leaves dh and I wondering does she come home? If not she has no where to go. We have no extended family in the area and she has no friends living independently. Her older siblings won't let her stay there. If she does want to come home we need clear guidelines. One physical thing a warning and then immediately call the police? I was able to physically restrain her from hurting me or herself but who can predict next time? I can live with yelling. That doesn't really set me off which I presume is the reason she escalated to physical confrontations and hurting herself in my presence. -sigh-. Dh and I will run all that past the doctors but who knows. She'll eventually speak I assume.

[Bright Day Mom]

She may need a few days to regain some mindfulness before she will talk, that's okay the  longer it will take for them to treat her and get her to a point of discharge.

It is important that you and your dh be in contact with the hospital staff, drs., etc.  Voicing your concerns and fear of discharge back to home are valid and hopefully in time the hospital will be able to guide you to the best road for recovery / healing.

For our family it turned into a residential stay (8 months).  It wasn't an easy choice, but the only one remaining as we did IOP, PHP, many times over to no benefit. Our D's meds had to be re-vamped and eventually she stabilized to a point now that she's back home and we are living together as  a family.  A much calmer, more functioning family... .Amen.   Though we sure have some bumps along the way, but who doesn't?

Remember to do something for yourself today... .anything, really it's important.

Hope today is brighter than yesterday

[7babies]

Her dad and I saw her today for about 15 minutes. She was appropriate but very detached. She mostly wanted to know if she can come home. We were sort of evasive saying we need to speak with the Doctor. I asked again to have the care team call me. She has been there since Tuesday and I haven't heard anything. She says she has spoken to him a couple times for a really short time. I (being mom) want her to come home, my husband is afraid she will hurt me and only wants her home if she can get some sort of calming medicine and I agree to leave if she gets angry and have me call 911 if she threatens to hurt herself. I am also researching inpatient but they would need an opening and take our insurance. Probably not possible even IF she agrees. We've got no answers at all.

[7babies]

So psychiatrist #3 and a third opinion. ~sigh~ we started with major depression w/psychosis in December, then BPD in February and now this psychiatrist says she has no idea. Schizophrenia got mentioned. Evidently though her ability to continue to function at school, sports and work don't point to that. She definitely lost contact with reality. She agreed to voluntarily stay since her temp commitment was up. We will try another atypical antipsychotic to help her function. She feels it's all pointless and won't work. I understand why she feels that way.

[Bright Day Mom]

It is very frustrating as parents to not have a firm diagnosis, we can only imagine how it feels to our kids.  Unfortunately it often takes multiple evaluations and medication attempts before any sign of relief. At least that has been our experience. We too went from 1st hospitalization with a doc telling us she suffers from depression to the next adding on various anxiety disorders and so on.  We finally have dx of BPD, and bi-polar; a completely different cocktail of meds and are starting to see progress in terms of our girl integrating back into our home and life.

It is encouraging that your D is smart and recognizes she needs help and is staying willingly   Just keep doing what you are doing, encourage, support, listening with empathy, validate the valid, etc.  When I was in the midst of it all, I would just keep telling myself "this too shall pass".  Though it didn't pass as quickly as I would have liked, it eventually does every time.

 

[7babies]

Rational thought lasted one day. She absolutely refused medicine. She has been told by the psychiatrist that will result of in long term commitment. On the phone she has given up ( there's no point is her answer to everything) and accused me of killing her by taking her to the hospital and says medicine is just being locked up in her own skin. I am heartbroken of course.

[Bright Day Mom]

It is sad her rational was short lived.  Of course you feel heartbroken, we've all felt that way at one time or another. Hopefully in the coming days she will come around a bit and be forthcoming with the dr. and be med compliant; after all there is no telling if the meds will be helpful if they aren't at least given a chance.

I know I've said this before, but do something for yourself each day.  It is important so you don't become burned out and unable to help your family.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Bright Day MOM