Why do we make excuses?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Friends, In a BPD r/s, we make a lot of excuses, mostly to ourselves, for our BPD SO's abusive behavior.  We try to rationalize it to make it OK.  Yet at the end of the day, it's not OK; no one deserves abuse.  We say things to ourselves, like: "It's only a bad mood, which will pass"; "He/she doesn't mean what he/she said"; "Every r/s has its ups and downs"; "I have to put up with him/her for the sake of the children"; "Love involves accepting my SO's shortcomings"; "No relationship is perfect"; and on and on.

Each time we make an excuse, we lose a little self-esteem.  We sell ourselves short.  We try to normalize abusive behavior by telling ourselves that others have similar problems in their relationships.  We cover up the abuse and hide it from friends and family.

Why do we make excuses for behavior that we know is unacceptable?  I think about that question.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, In a BPD r/s, we make a lot of excuses, mostly to ourselves, for our BPD SO's abusive behavior.  We try to rationalize it to make it OK.  Yet at the end of the day, it's not OK; no one deserves abuse.  We say things to ourselves, like: "It's only a bad mood, which will pass"; "He/she doesn't mean what he/she said"; "Every r/s has its ups and downs"; "I have to put up with him/her for the sake of the children"; "Love involves accepting my SO's shortcomings"; "No relationship is perfect"; and on and on.

Each time we make an excuse, we lose a little self-esteem.  We sell ourselves short.  We try to normalize abusive behavior by telling ourselves that others have similar problems in their relationships.  We cover up the abuse and hide it from friends and family.

Why do we make excuses for behavior that we know is unacceptable?  I think about that question.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

abuse tends to be insidious, and develops slowly. there is a bit of frog in a boiling pot analogy that applies (not that i want to encourage us to see ourselves as helpless frogs, far from it).

as far as these relationships go, there is typically great investment. leaving isnt an easy choice.

and frankly neither is changing the dynamic from our end, because it often makes things worse in the short term.

most of us have a lot to learn in terms of healthy relationships vs unhealthy ones. we dont know what we dont know.

hopefully we are here to learn, heal, and have healthier relationships in the future.

[mar356]

"Friends, In a BPD r/s, we make a lot of excuses, mostly to ourselves, for our BPD SO's abusive behavior.  We try to rationalize it to make it OK.  Yet at the end of the day, it's not OK; no one deserves abuse.  We say things to ourselves, like: "It's only a bad mood, which will pass"; "He/she doesn't mean what he/she said"; "Every r/s has its ups and downs"; "I have to put up with him/her for the sake of the children"; "Love involves accepting my SO's shortcomings"; "No relationship is perfect"; and on and on.

Each time we make an excuse, we lose a little self-esteem.  We sell ourselves short.  We try to normalize abusive behavior by telling ourselves that others have similar problems in their relationships.  We cover up the abuse and hide it from friends and family.

Why do we make excuses for behavior that we know is unacceptable?  I think about that question."

Great post! I think the emotion side of the non-BPD brain is overwhelmed and gets in the way of the logical thought process or the ability for mindfulness.  No one knows at the time they are dealing with someone whom has a stunted emotional, it is after the FOG settles and we're blindsided. I'm glad I found this site, it has been very educational.

[ynwa]

I've been trying to make a post like this for 2 days  .  And I could not agree more.  Why?  For myself, I've been away from the board for awhile, trying to make more and more of my life about moving forward and away from the relationship.  But in that time, I had contact with my ex, and lost sight of how fast she can change her mood.  Two episodes in particular caught me off guard and the last conversation has left me just sad and angry.  It's been 4 months and I see her struggling.  Some thought talking to her would help.  It might have but it also opened me up to her way of creating an argument and making it seem like it was me starting it.

But today, I'm sad because I know I have to let it go.  It never changes, though this time it took longer.  I keep reaching across the table and just get my hand slapped.   

But the why?   Why is a good question.  Why do we let them?

[UnforgivenII]

I wish I had an answer for that. I continue to see in him something that actually... .it has never showed up.
It is strange to explain. I tried to explain it to my therapist. I told him : " I can feel thare is a sad child inside him. I feel that child."
My therapist answered me:
" There is a sad child inside a mafia boss too."

I am still thinking about these words.
How far we let them go? How much would I have justified him... .if I had continued?

because I know I could have continued the relationship for years. All I needed to do was ignoring the abuse and the disrespect.
And this is huge.

[roberto516]

I read this and tried to think if she ever abused me? There weren't these hot and cold moments with her towards me that had me walking on eggshells. But then I recall that there was no need for her to do that. Because early on she had bullied me into breaking down boundaries that I had set up; and I allowed her to. And then the manipulation of "Are you going to leave me?" If I ever tried to talk reasonably to her. I can't deny that it wasn't a manipulation and abuse. When she yelled and bullied me until I shaved before going to her grandmoms. When we were planning a camping trip, and I came home because I didn't find the walmart and asked her if I could give her the money to go out and get it tomorrow and she said "I'm not doing that! You go out and get it!"

So why did I put up with it? Because I saw it in my parents. I take the role of my mom. The one who pleads for understanding and a connection only the next day to make a sacrifice for that person. I thought that continued actions of love would eventually lead to my partner going "Wow. I'm not just going to do a nice thing here and there for my convenience. I'm actually going to do care about him." So for me, that's why I put up with it.

Unreasonable expectations? Maybe. But I did my best to communicate that. But communication was impossible.

[AustenJ]

Sometimes I think my behavior was inexcusable since most of my excusing of abusive behavior came after I knew she was diagnosed BPD. Being a rescuer I took it as a challenge to help her overcome this disorder... .I was older, wiser, loving and compassionate... .I had this, no worries. I immersed myself in BPD literature and worked tirelessly to validate and ultimately caretake her... .and, of course, I knew love conquers all... .except... .when it doesn't.

[UnforgivenII]

It is an illness. Imagine someone who has a broken leg. Even if we love this person passionately, the leg does not heal by itself. It is strange we think we can fix something complex like BPD with love.

[Duped 1]

I laid in bed many nights wondering how someone who could be so loving could also be so brutally mean, abusive , and cruel. I tried to justify and shrug off her horrible behavior even though I was very disturbed. I would have never done this for anyone else. I was so addicted to her

[The Teacher]

This is a really good question. For me, a huge part of the "why do we let them?" is "I'm a healthy, nice, trustworthy human being who sees good in people". Nice guy finishes last kind of guy.

When I married by wife, it was my second marriage and I had been single for five years, and she was finishing a divorce form her husband of 30 years. We dated for more than a year, but it was a long distance relationship. I was the knight in shining armor. I could do no wrong. I was so much better than that guy. The sex was better for her.

She opted out of taking alimony from her husband in her divorce and moved in with me.

The problem was - once we married, the BPD part of her began showing its ugly head, but she had not earned a living wage for 35 years (preschool teacher). Although I recognized pretty soon after the wedding that something wasn't quite right about her, I felt I'd be throwing her onto the streets if I called it quits. So I took the abuse, and the more I took, the more she dished out. It took a major life event (death of one of my adult children) to send me a wake-up call - I don't want to live like this anymore. My ability to tolerate her behavior evaporated - instantly. Within two weeks of my daughter's death (and 3.5 years into my marriage), I started seeing a therapist, and I insisted that she do the same. Within a month, my therapist had heard enough descriptions of her behavior from me and other people in his practice (she was seeing a colleague of his within the practice, and they discuss cases anonymously) to be able to tell me three important things:

1. She has borderline personality disorder
2. This is as severe a case as we've ever seen in our practice
3. You cannot fix her.

I tried some of the strategies he gave me for setting boundaries, etc, but things were too far gone. She had too much control. Things got worse as she dug in. Within another month I told her she had to work on this or else. She got worser and worser. Four months later I filed for divorce.

The rest is me picking up the pieces of my life, figuring out what happened, enjoying the peace of mind of not being her puppet, hearing her rage, listening to her discuss pointless things for hours.

The divorce hasn't been painless (is it ever, with a BPD?), but I no longer put up with her abuse.

Ahhh... the bliss... .

[bunny4523]

Why do we make excuses for behavior that we know is unacceptable?  I think about that question.

LuckyJim

It's a good question and it sounds so simple.  But there is such a weird dynamic that goes on in the beginning of the turmoil.  For me, the first 7 months or so were really great.  He was calm, understanding, smart, patient, supportive, appeared to be a genuinely nice guy. 

Once things started to change, I couldn't understand how this person could turn to this raging, mean, immature individual that seemed to despise me.  I think I took it on myself to ask... ."what happened in this relationship to upset him so... .what did I do that could have triggered this behavior... .he wasn't like this before so therefore it must have been triggered by something that recently happened... .so we need to explore and work on fixing this and I felt like I needed to help us get back to where we were. "  I didn't know about BPD at that point.  All I knew is we were happy, we got along great, we bought a house and were getting married... .and now he hates everything about me. 

I felt like the more energy I put into trying, the more he put into destroying and that is when I started to know something was wrong and beyond what I could handle. 

One thing I am really proud of is I didn't make excuses and I didn't put up with it.  I got help from a therapist to help clear the fog and I left. But I can understand how easy it would be to stay trapped in that cycle of trying to make it better or to get back to how it was.

Bunny

[Aesir]

That's a good question. There were several excuses that I made for my ex. I would say she had a difficult childhood or she was just having a bad day. I would try to understand her feelings from my own perspective of dealing with low self esteem and depression. My perspective in the end was not adequate enough .  Another reason is pride. I couldn't admit to myself that I had made such a bad choice and for some  reason I was willing to deal with that choice and decision by trying to make things work. Especially since I had thrown so much of myself into the relationship.

[Sluggo]

I was thinking it was the pregnancies that made her hormones off the charts.  then I realized she was mad a lot of the time.  I thought I could make her smile.  I thought I was the knight.  I made the choice to be with her and marriage is until death... .  I made the bed so now I got to sleep in it.  I thought I was taking her out her difficult childhood.  I thought I would give her a life that she would not have before (she came from a very impoverished country).  When the good times came around and she was in a great mood ... .I didn't want to rock the boat and ride that wave of happiness as long as I could. 

[qawifem]

God I wish I was confronted with this question sooner.

For me, I was always paranoid about the way other people saw him, which sounds awful. I think deep down, I was scared that people would see how poorly he was treating me even though I wasn't consciously processing the emotional abuse at the time. I'd say things like "He's trying!" "He's not feeling well, he can't come out with us today." "He's really worried about his family." "I like how blunt and to the point he is. He doesn't sugar coat anything." "He's trying to get a job but nobody is calling back." I made everything sound reasonable enough so that nobody, especially my parents, would question my relationship.

 I was scared of how outsiders would react, and I was scared of how my ex would react should I not defend him in every little way.

[FSTL]

A combination of FOG and intermittent reinforcement. I would have felt guilty leaving her (I still do), obliged because she had been good to me once (during the "capture" phase) and also feared who else I would find if I lost her. And the good times (which became fewer and briefer over time) were actually very good.

Denial is a very, very powerful defence mechanism, so denial of what is really going on and a rescue mentality are very dangerous with a BPD.

Every day I am apart from her, I see things cleaerer and feel better. I don't have negative/hate towards her... .I feel sorry for her, but am ok with leaving her to sort her own stuff (and, from a selfish point of view, also know she will never be the girl I wanted her to be, so I know I am not missing out on anything... .).

[roberto516]

A combination of FOG and intermittent reinforcement. I would have felt guilty leaving her (I still do), obliged because she had been good to me once (during the "capture" phase) and also feared who else I would find if I lost her. And the good times (which became fewer and briefer over time) were actually very good.

Denial is a very, very powerful defence mechanism, so denial of what is really going on and a rescue mentality are very dangerous with a BPD.

Every day I am apart from her, I see things cleaerer and feel better. I don't have negative/hate towards her... .I feel sorry for her, but am ok with leaving her to sort her own stuff (and, from a selfish point of view, also know she will never be the girl I wanted her to be, so I know I am not missing out on anything... .).

You said exactly what happened with me too. The guilt of leaving after I had made a commitment. I also tended to look on the positives. And I was under the assumption, which I still do believe if it's with someone else, that relationships take work. So I thought our disagreements were okay if we learned from them. The problem is I realized too late that while I was working on improving the relationship after a disagreement she kept doing the same exact thing. But you said it perfect. There was no real need for me to elaborate.

[Aesir]

God I wish I was confronted with this question sooner.

For me, I was always paranoid about the way other people saw him, which sounds awful. I think deep down, I was scared that people would see how poorly he was treating me even though I wasn't consciously processing the emotional abuse at the time. I'd say things like "He's trying!" "He's not feeling well, he can't come out with us today." "He's really worried about his family." "I like how blunt and to the point he is. He doesn't sugar coat anything." "He's trying to get a job but nobody is calling back." I made everything sound reasonable enough so that nobody, especially my parents, would question my relationship.

 I was scared of how outsiders would react, and I was scared of how my ex would react should I not defend him in every little way.

I can relate to that. I was very quiet about the extent of how much she mistreated me.  It was mainly through embarrassment for putting up with it. Some things about her behavior I still won't talk about to others.

[K.G.]

For me it's about seeing the good in someone. Not wanting to believe that someone is bad or evil. The behaviour of my ex was so confusing, and I tried to make sense of it. I experienced a good side and then behaviours that I can only really describe as cruel and abusive. It's the same coin. One side bad. One side sweet. My brain cannot compute it. So I make excuses. Or at least I try to rationalise it so I can understand and somehow avoid being confused and also feeling as if I was duped somehow. The only thing I will not do is mirror this bad behaviour. I refuse to demean myself. No matter what he does, I will not insult, criticise, give the silent treatment, etc.

[AustenJ]

FSTL-

I love your final comment about disengaging, "I also know she will never be the girl I want her to be, so I know I'm not missing out on anything... ."

It's a sad realization that she will never be the girl that anyone wants her to be, friends, family, or lovers. Her tragic destiny is to continue to ultimately be destructive in all of her relationships. I need to keep our relationship in perspective: I was never special to her, nor was I ever "the one"... .I was just " the one" of dozens of relationships before me and the dozens that will follow me. I was just the next poor smuck in line. No soup for me!

[infjEpic]

Why do we make excuses for behavior that we know is unacceptable?  I think about that question.

I think the term 'making excuses' in a BPD R/S context is sometimes (but not always!) flawed pattern recognition and for me, it possibly eliminated some of the important, deeper self evaluation.
Flawed Rationalisation is sometimes more accurate - as opposed to excuse(justify). For me anyway.

Not too sure if the distinction I made is clear, or even rational, but it makes sense to me.

If one has been justifying, one has probably not dumped them more than once or experienced rage.

Nons can instinctively distinguish between immoral/unethical behaviour & moral/ethical behaviour (the pwPD can't or can but doesn't care).
Consequently our anger often stems from transgression - which we sometimes rationalise our way out of - as opposed to justifying.

I'm not sure if this is too abstract, so I'll try to give a tangible example:

Post relationship, during recovery - I looked back on the shenanigans my ex got up to with her phone and, probably influenced by a lot of the material I had read, I decided I made excuses.

But 'Excusing the abuse' didn't fit my experience and never sat well with me.
Way way later, armed with more knowledge, I re-evaluated things - in a way I probably didn't feel safe to do before that.

So concerning my ex and her phone shenanigans - I recognised I didn't excuse it.
It was another means of inducing jealousy. And I didn't excuse it - I didn't justify it - I argue pretty relentlessly over it actually. Tried to set boundaries. Then hoped things would improve.
And they didn't - which explains why I ended it after 4 months really!

So what were my rationalisations?

• She is younger - the way the younger generation use their phone & social media is different.
• I've been cheated on by a past partner, so I'm overly sensitive
• Not trusting my own instincts
• Bad advice from a best friend - "you're overreacting, dating apps are addictive"
• & a counsellor - "you're carrying realtionship baggage"

There's so much more to be said on the topic, but probably the single biggest experience I've taken from this whole experience - TRUST MY OWN INSTINCTS.

[lovenature]

We make excuses because we don't want to loose what we had in our relationships with PWBPD, the idealization and prospect of a wonderful future together felt so great to us who don't have healthy enough self esteem; someone who does have healthy self esteem thinks idealization is weird and clingy, they see the red flags for what they are, and they most certainly don't tolerate devaluation like we did because they value themselves enough to move on to someone else who will treat them like they treat their partner.

[balletomane]

I have always had a tendency to excuse inexcusable behaviour (my BPD ex used to get very frustrated over the generous allowances I would make for other people - "You let people p1ss on you and then call it rain!" was a frequent criticism from him). I also have a tendency to be very self-critical, so when my ex accused me of being thoughtless and selfish, I would take it for granted that his perspective was correct. He would also say that I couldn't take criticism at all. Now I see that this was a projection (and a big one!), but at the time it kept me from questioning his bad treatment of me - if I did query whether it was justified, that was just proof I couldn't handle criticism. It was a catch-22.

abuse tends to be insidious, and develops slowly. there is a bit of frog in a boiling pot analogy that applies (not that i want to encourage us to see ourselves as helpless frogs, far from it).

This was another big part of it for me. If my ex had sent me a spiteful rant in which he fantasised about knocking out my teeth and shooting me while I slept during the first week of our relationship, I would have been out of there like lightning. But it didn't start like that. It began with little things and built up. The more I took, the more I got used to taking.

[Poppy1000]

We make excuses because you aren't able to grasp that when he is horrible and cruel, this is how he actually thinks and is. You continually try to tell yourself he doesn't mean what he says and does. You keep telling yourself he will change and become the person you tell yourself he really is. For me, it took absolutely over the top abusive behaviour for me to understand neither our children nor I mean anything to him. His entire focus is himself and what he wants.

I am currently really worried about the impacts on my children, having compromised and made excuses for his unacceptable conduct, lack of integrity, his attitudes and contempt towards other people. I was fortunate to have been brought up with strong and decent values, and I do not compromise on these in my day to day life. But my children have grown up hearing his justifications and very convincing arguments as to why behaving in the manner he does is actually perfectly fair and reasonable. I have stood up and made excuses for him to some extent, while saying he mustn't do what is wrong. I have had to now tell my children very clearly and emphatically that the way he conducts himself is not an example they must follow. As a parent, I believe I cannot do otherwise.

[Lucky Jim]

You continually try to tell yourself he doesn't mean what he says and does. You keep telling yourself he will change and become the person you tell yourself he really is.

Poppy: Right, that's what I'm talking about.  I tend to think these excuses are harmful to oneself, because they are attempts to make abusive behavior somehow acceptable or at least more palatable to oneself.  Deep down, we know that abuse is unacceptable yet we tolerate it, or at least I did, through mental gyrations and justifications.  In this sense, I was living a lie, which felt lousy.

LuckyJim

[whitebackatcha]

She didn't let anyone get close to her, but when I put up with the bad, I later got to enjoy being the person she opened up to. I got to be special. I hoped that, given enough time, she would decide I was worth STAYING nice to. When it didn't happen, I guess I figured I didn't deserve it yet. I also knew she had a difficult past, and wanted to be understanding of how much she struggled. I had told her she was worth the effort, and I didn't want to admit to her, or to myself, that maybe she wasn't. I mean, as a person, she WAS... .but so was *I*, and neither one of us was making ME a priority, too.

[Herodias]

I think people rationalize most of what they do in the first place. I personally can make myself think whatever I choose at the moment and settle on a decision. I think in these relationships, they do allot of that for us, by telling us what THEY want us to believe and we want to believe them and see the good in people. We still need to decide if this is a good choice for us, but somehow we don't put ourselves first. They are so needy it consumes us.

[Lucky Jim]

I had told her she was worth the effort, and I didn't want to admit to her, or to myself, that maybe she wasn't.

Right, whiteback, which is one reason why we make excuses, to make it seem as if the wBPD is worth the effort.  Yet as you suggest, we know deep down that the person is not really worth it.

somehow we don't put ourselves first. They are so needy it consumes us.

Right, Herodias, their needs are enormous.  So why do we make excuses for them?  Why can't we put ourselves first?

LJ

[Sunfl0wer]

Why can't we put ourselves first?

Because we get a "payoff" from it... .

-We get to think of ourself as a "non" less needy or stronger in some way.
-We get our sense of self from self sacrificing, being a mayrtr, being a caretaker in some way to this other person
-We falsely believe that being last, putting ourself last, is actually making us good people.
-We get to avoid looking at our own problems as we become consumed by theirs
-and so on... .

Some of us are repeating patterns from childhood where we had to be a caretaker, or had little value unless helping, or competed for parental attention.

Putting ourselves first is a threat and feels like a threat.  Our partner in someway either directly or covertly implies this equals a loss of their love... .so we condition ourselves to be in tune to appeasing and assisting with their "self" regulating issues.  Then we tell ourselves we've done something "good" as we see the temporary affect appears stabilizing and creates closeness with our SO.

We are desperate enough to feel we need their love for our existence and behave "self sacrificing" so as to minimize that threat.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, SunflOwer.  Agree, being a caretaker is a way to avoid caring for oneself.  Maybe another payoff is upholding one's sense of loyalty, which seems noble, but in my view is largely misplaced in a BPD r/s.  Why should we be loyal to a persecutor?  There's nothing noble about it, yet we do it, presumably for the "payoff" you describe.  The sense of self-sacrifice has an allure, too, yet I took that concept too far until it became self-destruction.

Maybe we don't know how to put ourselves first?  I had to learn how, the hard way, through years of abuse in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Learning to love and accept oneself, in my view, is the starting point for one's recovery.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

What an interesting thread!

I have asked myself this question thousands of times over the years. 

Why should we be loyal to a persecutor? How many of us on these forums were taught to do just that by our FOO? I was taught from an early age to be loyal to my family at any cost. I didn't enjoy the self sacrifice. I saw it as an obligation. I saw it as part of marriage. Once I married ex and had kids with him, it was my duty as his wife to make excuses for him, protect him, and look the other way. I didn't realize I had a choice to do any different.

And, I tend to believe the best of people. I wanted to believe the best about ex. If I didn't make excuses for him, then how could I keep him idealized? I think nons can be just as guilty of idealizing a partner as a pwBPD. Really, if you think about it, why would somebody choose to be with somebody that they didn't think was special or awesome? I wanted to think that I was special to ex. If I didn't make excuses, then I would have to admit that maybe I wasn't as special to him as he was to me. How could somebody treat somebody that was special to them like that? How? There was a lot of cognitive dissonance and one of the ways to keep it at bay is to make excuses.

When I started seeing that ex wasn't nearly as great as he made himself out to be, I needed to make excuses for him because I didn't want to admit it.

Something else that came to mind was repetition compulsion. I read about it in a book that my therapist recommended. I don't know enough about it just yet but I can definitely see how I was repeating childhood patterns with ex without even realizing it. At some point during my process of waking up, it became glaringly obvious that my ex is quite a bit like my mother.