This just doesn't makes any sense - 7

[cubicinch]

I was only with a woman for 4 months, but even so short, it had a similar effect. A few months on, reading up on it all, I still think about it, and her. I possibly always will remember the turmoil of it all, it's a bit of a life marker, an experience that has such an affect on ones self, that you are left shell shocked. THat's the only way I can put it I think.

You will get over it, be patient and learn to be you again.

[glaciercats]

I feel the same way. I can't move forward. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Like I'm just muddling through life trying to stay alive. Mine was 4 years on and off as well. And she just dates and falls in love with anyone that obsesses over her. How do they do it? How is it so easy for them? How do they not feel any remorse?

Hang in there!

[Pretty Woman]

Matt,
  You are better than this. 

I know it hurts but the pain will eventually subside. I didn't shower for two weeks once and lay in bed contemplating the same. Two years later and I am glad I didn't.

This person does not define you but being in a relationship with her you allowed her too. It's like giving the patient the keys to the asylum.

You can and you will get yourself back. You have to get past wondering why it didn't work and focus on you, your healing. 

Ive read your posts and what I see is a strong, intelligent young man. A young man with the potential and capability to do amazing things.

You don't want to kill yourself. I had a non BPD ex do that this past year. I just saw him for dinner. We were completely unaware he had ptsd (he was retire military). This was a healthy, strong man with a beautiful young child who now is fatherless.

You can't do this to your family. They love you and you can't do this to yourself... .you have an amazing life ahead.

The hard part with these toxic relationships is you doubt your self worth. You are cheated on, lied to and manipulated so much you begin to believe its normal.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my ex and explain how irrational she is but that's my ego talking. I know I'll get slapped with an RO or her sister will report me at work. It makes no sense to jeopardize my livelihood like that. Matt, as time goes by I see it's not worth it. She will always view me as an abusive ahole and that's actually ok.
Let her.

Her skewed opinions no longer define me.

I will say this, ignoring them does amp up the vitriol and spur them to "try harder" in some cases to destroy you.  Luckily I have amazing friends and family who support and love me. She can try all she wants. It's fruitless.

You need to find an outlet to keep your mind busy. Is there anything you really loved to do before you met your ex? Is there anything you ever wanted to try before you met her?

I encourage you to please try this. Try joining a social group like meetup. Go to a trivia night or happy hour. Don't go into this looking for a date. Go into it looking to meet other people.

This helped me so much Matt. For a few hours I wasn't actively thinking about my ex. This helped with the ruminating and I ended up making awesome new friends.

Hun, I had to go on meds for PTSD after my ex spit at me and ripped some of my hair out.
You were in an emotionally abusive situation and it takes time. You can do this though. I know you can because I see strength in you I didn't in myself when I first came to these boards four years ago.

 heart-smili

Don't give up on yourself. She doesn't win. No one wins. 

[ShadowA]

I feel the same way. I can't move forward. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Like I'm just muddling through life trying to stay alive. Mine was 4 years on and off as well. And she just dates and falls in love with anyone that obsesses over her. How do they do it? How is it so easy for them? How do they not feel any remorse?

Hang in there!

From my perspective. They cling on to anyone who gives them validation. Even my ex currently is clinging to someone she once said is ugly, smelly, boring, snores, annoying, doesn't have good decision making, etc...

They cling on to anyone. When the fighting started for my ex there's something she said which I won't forget.

"If not you, I'll find someone else to fill that spot"

[Jeff26]

Here is what I am experienceing and I think it helps answer the "what's the point in moving forward" question.

I am now coming up on 15 months since the break-up.

Here's the bad, probably what you wouldn't want to hear:

- I still know that I love her
- I still think about her and her son on a daily basis, and I mean that, a daily basis.
- I still get the urge to check her Facebook as well as my replacements Facebook, again, almost daily
- About once every week or two, I will think about her and how easy it was for her to fall in love with another man so quickly after me, it gets to me, gives me anxiety and makes me feel embarrassed and self conscious.
- Often when that storm of emotions comes over me, I am tempted to put my fist through a wall, I never have, but those emotions take me right up to the edge
- I feel like she won in a game that I wasn't aware I was playing
- I feel intimidated when thinking about what she could possibly be thinking/feeling about the situation, almost like I'm a child who can let go of something petty, as if she knows I can't let go and thinks I am a weakling (no evidence that she has any clue how I'm feeling about this)

The good news:
- I am a stronger person now, both mentally and physically. (Not a complete overhaul, but evident to me)
- I can now spot red flags from at least a 1/2 mile away
- I am far more insightful and in-touch with other peoples feelings which has really helped me relate to the world and the struggles of the people on it.
- I can see BPD nearly everywhere, it's like the curtain has been pulled back and I have an all access pass to spot BPD infected relationships and oh man how similar they all are
- In a few ways now, I feel like I have won. My replacement has no clue what is coming to him from her, so in a sad way I have the upper hand on him, and she is following her same patterns which means she hasn't worked on herself and probably can't stand to do so, again, that means I am doing better than her.
- I am also more in-touch with myself and desires, as well as what I will tolerate.
- My self respect went from like a 4 to an 8 out of ten in less than a years time which feels insanely good, and others can sense it. I have been treated with more respect by others than ever before simply by respecting myself.


This will end up being worth its weight in gold for you.
You are going to learn more about yourself and teach yourself new ways that will make life more enjoyable for you.
The pain subsides but has yet to go away completely, and like I mentioned, I still think about her all the time, but I don't feel the need to reach out to her.
Eventually, enough time passes and what once made me want to call her and beg for her back, now I just roll my eyes and think "really? This is how she does things, wow."

I have ended up feeling sad FOR her.

I am so grateful that I now know that I have what it takes to love unconditionally, something they may never grasp the concept of.

Hang in there, it gets better inch by inch.

[heartandwhole]

FallenOne,

I'm sorry that you are so down and feeling suicidal. I can understand that. After my breakup, I had zero interest in anything—including living. I feel terrible saying that now, because I feel very grateful for the many blessings in my life, but at that time, I felt like I was simply going through the motions; surviving.

I realize now that it was the depression (some call it abandonment depression) that was causing me to feel that way. Many members here have gone through that. At the time, I never thought I'd come out of it. I just thought "this is the way it is, and I'll never feel better." I didn't care either way.

The thing is, though, that my feelings DID change. And life got better. And I grew and felt joy again. I really get the "what's the point" attitude. It was mine, too. Maybe the point is to get through this. To take one step after the other, regardless of how you feel... .and see... .see that things do change, and see that you can feel yourself again and experience the good in life. 

heartandwhole

[infjEpic]

How does one move on from this?

With self compassion.
And patience.
And time.

With self education.
And gratitude.
And anger.

With faith that that this is all leading to something better. No matter how impossible that seems right now.
And understanding, that it will only make sense looking back. No matter how impossible that seems trying to look forward.


What's the point in moving forward after this?

You owe it to past-FallenOne - the one who endured hell and torture, right up until this very post - to get you to here.
Don't piss his efforts away, like our BPDexs did to us.

And you owe it to future-RisenOne - the one who is counting on you not dropping the ball here, because his future and his happiness are depending on it.
Don't rob him of his just rewards.

Right now, you have one mission: survive this. However you can. Whatever it takes.


What is it going to take for you to survive this, RisingOne?

If you were the hero of your own movie - what would you do?

[marti644]

I have been struggling with this alot lately.

I've learned that because of childhood issues I am susceptible to being in relationships with disordered people. Also came to the realization that my Mom is disordered. Alot to swallow in the two month period of NC after discardment by BPD-ex. World changing, and I am not sure if I could go back I would really want to know what I know now. Ignorance is bliss in some twisted way.

It's alot to handle FallenOne so don't beat yourself up. Get angry if you need to, you have a right to be. I have been practicing letting my anger out (instead of just feeling sad), it's healthy to be angry at my BPD-ex, who slept with other people during our relationship, gave me STI's twice, and made me have to deal with emotional damage that will take years to heal. Justified anger is good, don't deny yourself that right.

Furthermore, don't let these disordered people project their problems on to you. You deserve better which is why you made the choice to leave and come to this forum.

Yesterday I had a low point. Since our breakup I have had significant employment problems, insurance issues with a car accident, and have had to deal with a changing relationship with my disordered mother (who I know longer rescue or try to rescue, she could win the 'waif' award).

While I do not have suicidal thoughts, I have been thinking since yesterday how crappy this world is and how I probably need to lower my expectations for how people act towards me and my expectations for my own career. I work so hard, but  dear God, I have been such a punching bag! Building boundaries is painful in the short-term, as is all this "growth". But for now, I am keeping my distance from people while I rebuild my defenses. And I stay angry, because I have a right to in this healing process.

As Epic said just survive, that is the victory at this point. Keep posting!