QueenBeeJen
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: March 03, 2017, 09:01:02 PM » |
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I have been with my BPD Husband for 10+ years now. Only in the last 5 have I come to realize he has BPD. (We started couples counseling 6 years ago with my therapist. She said she could not officially diagnose him without more one on one time with him BUT she strongly felt that he was exhibiting behaviors consistent with BPD.) I have lurked and researched over the years and definitely agree. After watching a special on the football player, Brandon Marshall in 2014, he took a very brief online test which indicated "severe" BPD but he quickly laughed it off like it was a joke. He does not see that he has a problem. It's always my fault for not appreciating him enough, or not loving him enough, or not doing X enough or just that I am the crazy one.
He has been mentally, verbally, emotionally, and, at times, physically abusive for as long as we have been together. Literally, everyone I know, including lifelong friends of his, think I should leave him but I just don't know how. When he is not here, I can breathe and be myself but when we are together, I am always trying to make sure I say and do the right thing so that I don't set him off. I never know what that will be, though, so it's like walking a tightrope in a tornado. I'm his 3rd wife. The previous two left in the middle of the night. I will feel like a schmuck if I do that but I am worried that's the only way I will be able to escape him. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else.
In the past, when we have gotten into fights, he gets so hateful and nasty to me. He says the meanest things to me, like he wants to hurt me at the deepest core of my being. He has deliberately broken my things-things that he knows mean the world to me and if I try to leave, he either blocks my way or has followed me to see where I am going. I've had to pull into the parking lot of the Fire Dept or Police Station so that he will quit following me. He has calmed down in the last year and a half since I had him arrested but even then, he didn't accept responsibility; I was "being such a ___" and "just wouldn't listen."
I am sure his BPD was triggered by very traumatic things that happened to him when he was a young child. The stories I have heard make my skin crawl and I wish I could hold the little boy he used to be and just rock him and tell him he will be okay. For many years I used to use that as an excuse for his behavior and to some degree it is but if he won't even consider that he has a problem and try to get help for it, I don't know what else I can do. Everyone else is always to blame. Never him.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 20 years ago and I have been in therapy and I go every three months to meet with my psychiatrist to get my prescription refills to keep it in check. I wouldn't dream of going off my meds and expecting people to just deal with my unmedicated behavior. That would be so incredibly irresponsible.
Okay, I guess, that's enough of an introduction. As you can tell, I am exhausted and fed up. It was wonderful to find this site. Glad to know it's here. I may continue to lurk and read. I just need to find the courage to tell him I want to leave him. I have been talking about it for years now but I haven't been able to do it yet. One day... .
Thanks for being here!
Jen
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