The Other Woman

[daverisk]

My BPD wife is not very affectionate, and we lack intimacy most of the time.  I've been very lonely.  :)uring our recent crisis I reached out to a co-worker to help me translate some text messages my wife exchanged with one of her flings... .the fling's ex girlfriend sent them to me.  Just for background reference... .my wife and I are living separately... .due to the fight we had after I got the messages... I have our four kids... .but she's here every day and the goal is reconciliation... .she's started counseling.  She still denies the affair with the fling... .says the exgirlfriend faked the messages... .but they read too true... .and there are other indicators that this was more than a friendship... .but I digress.

What began as emotional support has crossed a line... .there is a romantic attraction.  She and I even talked the day after she translated the messages for me... .she's in the middle of a divorce from a five year marriage in which her husband ignored her... .didn't give her affection or intimacy... .and I'm 10 years (nine married) into a relationship where the affection and intimacy died slowly... .we talked about how vulnerable we both are... .and the need to be careful... .the talk was pointless... .we text almost every evening... .and some of it is starting to get "spicy" though nothing sexual.

To make matters worse she is 28 years younger than I am... .we work together... .I start my own counseling on Wednesday... .I need some coping skills that don't involve romancing a 24 year old woman.

I guess I'm just using this post as a "confession"... .I'll take advice or criticism... .or just acknowledgement that I'm being heard... .that while not "right" the emotional affair isn't something unusual in my circumstance... .or is it... .?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I will hopefully add some advice- not to be critical or from a right/wrong perspective, but to present this situation as appealing as a dose of heroin.

I'm also closer to your age than the "other woman" so hopefully some years in addition to 24 can help. My kids are closer to 24 than you and I are, so I see it from that perspective as well.

I also want to frame this in the idea of what is an emotionally healthy relationship- it is one where two people may be inter-dependent, but not co-dependent. Each one is coming into the relationship from a place of stability- each one is "OK" on their own- can each bring something to contribute to the other. Two people in a state of hurt, vulnerability, neediness, currently tied up in relationship issues, unfinished business- are not coming together for the purpose of forming a stable relationship. Each is using the "high" of the romance to soothe their own bad feelings like one would use alcohol or a drug. Emotionally stable people are able to self soothe, and consult therapists if they need assistance with their own emotional hurts.

In addition, the two of you only know each other briefly. Each of you has your own issues. Someone who is in a dysfunctional relationship that ends, then starts a new one during or immediately after the relationship- and does not take the time to see their part in it, or emotionally recover- is likely to create the same pattern of dysfunction with someone else. Both of you are still in unhappy relationships- and are prone to doing this- with each other.

She may be of legal age but you are old enough to be her father. You have way more life experience than she has. Although there are good relationships between people with an age gap, she may be more naive than you are. She may be looking at you as being older and wiser. You both are extremely vulnerable at the moment, but she may be more vulnerable to the attention of someone she looks up to at the moment than you are flattered by the attention of a young attractive woman. It could also be that you being married makes this safe for her to play out with you. Unavailability may make people seem more desirable, but it is also a safer gamble to have interest in something that can not happen if one isn't ready for real possibility.

You are both bonding together as victims of bad relationships, but both of you have played a part in this. This bonding doesn't make either of you look at how you are accountable. In an emotionally stable relationship, two people are also accountable.

This doesn't mean a stable relationship isn't possible for either of you, or between you. But if you are invested in something like that for the both of you- the timing is off. If the two of you came together after the marriages are over, you have emotionally healed, and choose to proceed- there could be that possibility.

Romance can act like a drug. A happy feel good in the middle of emotional hurt. But like a drug, it is only a temporary solution.

A Dr. Phil quote says " the way to fix a problem between two people isn't to introduce a third". This creates a triangle. Study the Karpman Triangle. You are both "rescuing" each other. However, if you wish to work on your relationship, or your own personal self- this may not be the best way to do that.

[daverisk]

Notwendy,

I hear you... .I know this is unhealthy... .and a really bad idea... .I also know that I seem to be attracted to emotionally broken women... .I don't THINK I would cross a line... .but as broken as I am right now I'm not a good judge... .I know there couldn't be a real relationship between us... .so I guess I need to let go of the fantasy as well... .I really suck at this relationship stuff.

[Notwendy]

All of us here are learning to be better at relationships- so it's one step at a time- a first step is wanting to learn.

They say if you don't want to fall in the river- don't go near it. I think most people who find themselves in an affair don't just jump in and do it. They get closer and closer until the strongest instinct humans have takes over.

They say if you are on a diet- don't walk into a bakery on an empty stomach.

You don't want to cross that line and you don't think you have. But you're on the edge of the river bank with your toes hanging over the edge. Getting far from the river is one way to avoid falling in.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes I think we (unconsciously) do things to completely blow up our lives in order to force a complete and total reset. We know the old ways didn't work, and the current situation is untenable, so why not pile on another emotional crisis to really slam dunk this thing and break ourselves completely down. 

[daverisk]

Notwendy,

I've actually had that conversation with my wife... .people don't jump into affairs... .they slide in... .the first time I discovered she was sexting... .and then again after the first affair that I discovered (no idea how many times she's actually cheated).

I'm aware my feet are already wet in this matter.  I think I was looking for someone to either tell me... .while this is a normal/typical reaction don't do it... .or dude, you're messed up, this isn't normal behavior even for your circumstances, you need help.

If for no other reason than I don't want to ruin a pre-existing friendship and spoil our work environment... .I'm backing off... .God knows I don't want to hurt this girl... .and I don't want to do something just to get revenge on my wife for her infidelities... .to use another person just to do that would be heartless... .and cruel... .and stupid... .plus there's my own mental health to consider... .I'm morally opposed to cheating.  Thanks for your words of wisdom.

[Notwendy]

Glad you decided not to do this. We can share our opinions, but when the decision is made by the person, then, that person owns it.

I agree that this could also mess up the workplace relationship. This woman is younger and she is more vulnerable. I have found that being older changes the dynamics in a work relationship a bit. I have a younger colleague who does ask me advice ( not about his marriage or personal issues, that's not a boundary to cross). I know he sees me as a mentor. He would not be asking me my opinion if I was a woman his age, but younger co-workers can seek out mentors who have more experience than they do.

It is very important to respect the boundaries of this. It's an honor to know that someone values your advice, but this is not romantic and should not be. This young woman may feel she can talk to you because you are older and wiser, but her poor emotional boundaries may have her confused about her feelings of support with you and they feel romantic in the moment. You're human, and so will react to the attention of an attractive person, but in your state of emotional vulnerability, this may also blur your boundaries.

You however, are the older person here. You know better to not step over the line even if she does at the moment. She might even be embarrassed about this later. Glad you chose to be the adult here.