First breakup, showing signs of BPD

[Redstar91]

Hello everyone

This is my first post on this forum, my first breakup from my first real relationship. It lasted 4 intense months, we were both 23 and each others firsts on many fronts. She had relationships before, but only 'flirts' that lasted no longer than a month. We're both still at law school, but are studying in different cities (1h drive). First month went great, but that the issues began.

The start of the relationship was also difficult. Bit of background info: We went to some classes together at Law school last summer. She flirted with me and I went along with it. I was clueless for a lot of signals, since I never had a relationship before. I asked her to go to a rock festival with me since my friend cancelled and she agreed. From that moment I fell in love with her and I chased her during the summer. She backed off. That went along for some months and eventually she asked me to go on a trip with her to Italy. I think she planned to go alone since she already booked tickets herself, but she's not that independent to go on a trip like that on her own, so she asked me to go with her last minute. We went as friends.

She kept sending me mixed signals, so I bluntly asked her if it's ever going to work out between us as a couple. She said in my face she was not in love with me. It hurt but I finally had an answer. Small detail, that evening in our hostel, she was jealous I talked to a Brazilian girl on our room. She even left to go to the lobby and later I heard from her she cried and called home. That's not the reaction you would expect from a friend who has 0 feelings for me. After that trip I backed off. She contacted me, told me we should hang out one more time before the next semester starts (we study in different cities now) and I agreed. She kissed me the next morning and defined the relationship. It lasted 4 months.

We broke up a month ago. She was never diagnosed with BPD, but a therapist once said she would have troubles with future serious relationships and she shows a lot of signs of a BPD. She was not sure about her feelings for me, had panic attacks when she was alone, she has issues being in a serious relationship like ours. She panicked one morning just after we've been intimate together, and while she was crying and almost having a panic attack she told me she can't continue like this. She had these feelings before and she does not know where they actually come from. She thought about breaking up before a couple of times one month in our relationship (she never had a relationship that lasted longer than that, never had anything serious). There were a lot of red flags in the relationship I ignored. She never wanted to meet my friends, that would've been too soon/serious. But the other way around was not a problem at all. We even went on a double date and celebrated NYE with friends of her. Her mom even invited our family to go and celebrate Christmas together! But the holidays were great, we enjoyed ourselves a lot. Also there was a lot of silly drama, like we argued 4 days over what cake to bring to our NYE party.

The day before the breakup we went on a city trip and everything seemed fine. She was always close to me enjoying contact, stroking her hair, cuddling, we went to dinner that evening and had a wonderful time. That night we came home we had a lot of intimate moments, so the breakup next morning was very unexpected for me. We even made plans for the next day when we were cuddling that night, telling my parents she would love to cook for us... .

Thing is, she and my mom got along great and she called her the first 3 weekends after our breakup to see how I'm doing. She said to her she regrets losing her best friend as well when we broke up and that she misses me and wants to keep me as a friend, but once you cross that line (and she did, she kissed me) you can't just go back being friends. She felt lonely because her friends dropped her. I wanted to go NC from day one to speed up the healing process, but it's hard to do when you have to hear from your parents she called them again, telling me about what she said. After the 3th call I wanted to reach out. Last time she called, she told my mom she wanted to let it rest for now and that I could go to the concert with a friend instead of her. I bought her tickets for The xx in Brussels, her first reaction was being happy, but seconds later she asked me if she could still go if we broke up before that date (I mean what the heck?).

I contacted one of her friends and after that I wrote a letter to her. I stated that it's not possible to stay in this situation like this and I also asked for answers, those feelings she had, if it was real or not and why she would go in so deep with me if she did not feel the same way like I did. She told my mother she never wanted a relationship in the first place, but in the end she initiated it by kissing me. From what I hear from her friend, she's devastated and afraid to talk to me. I know she's a very difficult person, but I still care about her. But she has to know I can't be in her life right now just as a friend, I won't end up like a doormat. It's romantic or nothing at all. She has to know that if she wants to speak to me, she does not have to go to my parents to do so

Any advice how to handle this would be appreciated. It's been almost 2 weeks since that letter (via fb messenger, she read it only 4 mins after I send it to her) and I did not hear from her since then. It hurts a lot, but I'm not in a position to do anything right now.

[cubicinch]

the trouble is, the patterns of behaviour will just continue. You'll be in for more rollercoaster of your emmotions and it could be potentially damaging to your own state of mind; it is already. Do you want that? Is that a normal relationship?

[Redstar91]

Maybe for me it's for the best long term, but I do love her - unconditionally. However I did not end it, reached out and got ignored so I'm not in a position to do anything.

[zeus123]

Redstar91, I was hoping that your subject title was "my first and last breakup ". You should educate yourself and read more about the nature of BPD so you would be able to understand the experience that you went through and how you can move forward and heal your inner core so you won't be attracted to another BPD that will turn you world upside down and inside out.

[Redstar91]

Redstar91, I was hoping that your subject title was "my first and last breakup ". You should educate yourself and read more about the nature of BPD so you would be able to understand the experience that you went through and how you can move forward and heal your inner core so you won't be attracted to another BPD that will turn you world upside down and inside out.

I used that title because it was my first ever breakup from my first ever (serious) relationship. We were eachothers first in a lot of things. But why can't I reconcile with her if she comes back? Is it impossible having a good and loving long-term relationship with someone who has BPD?

I only realised she could have it a few days ago. Talked with a lot of people who study psychology and medicine and I've ordered a book from Dirk De Wachter (renowned local psychotherapist) to learn more about it.

[cubicinch]

If someone with a BPD ends a relationship, they will do it for a few reasons: they've come to the end of the road, your use to them has dried up, you no longer provide the feed they need. they can go cold and wait for you to try and come back, which many do, but they win and will carry on doing the same... or it's because you've worked them out and are potentially exposing their weakness... they'll cut you off cold for that for sure. You have to ask yourself if someone is capable of doing that, did they ever really love you at all like they said or as much as you are in return? They have a mental illness, and the problem is that you are the focus, so it will be hard for you to help them. They have to see it themselves and accept they have to change, and it's best left to professionals who know what they are doing. We have to be very careful indeed, because BPDs can twist things around and make it look like you are a very bad person... be careful.

I wanted to tell my girlfriend I thought she had serious issues, but she cut me off at that point, because I was about to expose her innermost darkest troubles and insecurities, leaving her vulnerable. These people have built up a very very strong wall of defence.

[Redstar91]

Thank you for your reply.

She belittled me sometimes, but never made me look like the 'bad' person in our relationship. She even said she regrets is so much of doing these things to me and she hated it being the bad person in our relationship. When we talked after she ended it, she even said she usually is a step-up to something better if she looks back at her previous relationships. I strongly reacted to that, also found it very weird. It has something to do with her abandonment issues I would guess. She told me she dreamt sometimes about people leaving her.

[cubicinch]

yes, these things are born out of deeply rooted insecurities... mine said at the beginning she wanted to try hard at this because aged 45 she didnt want to be alone for the rest of her life... I kinda shrugged that off, because I guess I think the same, but it had a different context to her. She failed miserably, only a few weeks/months in and the cracks began appearing. THey can't hide their true behaviour for long, and you being around will bring it out. Im afraid you are the cause of it, that may sound harsh I'm sorry. But it's nothing you have done wrong.

Whatever you do, take care of your self my friend.

[Redstar91]

Update

I went offline from facebook for a couple of days after I went to the concert with another girl, just to give myself some clearance in my mind. Today I logged on to respond to some messages from other friends, and saw that she posted some things the day after we were supposed to go to the concert together. She usually does not share much online, same as me, but now she changed her profile picture from back she was 19 and her banner, no  biggie.

But the next part is more interesting: She is active in a university paper of ours, she wrote a small column about climate change with a title 'too hot to handle', with her profile picture on it on their website. Cry for attention much?

It's getting laughable at this point. Too afraid to talk to me about what happened, but screaming out for attention to the whole university.

[cubicinch]

she's only thinking of her self, she has very little empathy for your feelings in all this. She is playing you along, or has been. You're beginning to work her out, so she will move on. None of this is a good grounding for a solid relationship to happen. It wont. You are still very young to be getting tangled up in all this BPD, dont let it taint your view of how relationships are; as you've seen, you can find others to spend your time and attention on who will actually deserve it, and respect you more. I know who you feel about this girl, most of us on here have been or still are in this position, but you have to start putting your self first, no matter that you shared all your firsts with her, that is no guarantee that she is the one for the rest of your life. Learn from the experience, look things up if you have to but try not to obsess too much, and dont jump straight in to another relationship too soon like she will keep doing, you dont need that, but she does. If you dont see the signs and learn, then you could end up like I have and keep choosing the same types. It's taken me far too many years to realise.

[Redstar91]

Thank you again for the reply, not a lot of people in my environment understand exactly what I'm going through. I'm not letting her taint my view on relationships and I'm finally beginning to realize this girl is poison for my well-being. I'm going to combat this with total indifference towards her in the future.

[once removed]

I'm going to combat this with total indifference towards her in the future.

if only it were that easy 

my first bit of advice would be to let yourself grieve. feel your feelings. a lot of us use some pretty dysfunctional coping methods when it comes to dealing with the pain.

the lessons here are a great outline for understanding these relationships, BPD, and healthy coping mechanisms. they begin here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

since this is your first relationship, my second bit of advice would be to spend this time learning (sounds like youre in the process). learn the characteristics of unhealthy and healthy relationships (another good outline here! https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships). learn about yourself. learn more about human nature. its important to grieve, and we will be here to support you as you do, but those things will do much more for you than knowledge of BPD, long after you have healed.

[Redstar91]

if only it were that easy 

my first bit of advice would be to let yourself grieve. feel your feelings. a lot of us use some pretty dysfunctional coping methods when it comes to dealing with the pain.

the lessons here are a great outline for understanding these relationships, BPD, and healthy coping mechanisms. they begin here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

since this is your first relationship, my second bit of advice would be to spend this time learning (sounds like youre in the process). learn the characteristics of unhealthy and healthy relationships (another good outline here! https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships). learn about yourself. learn more about human nature. its important to grieve, and we will be here to support you as you do, but those things will do much more for you than knowledge of BPD, long after you have healed.

Thank you for the support. I have a lot of reading and learning to do, but I'll get there. I can't help myself to check if she's online when I go on facebook, she's a lot more on her computer since our breakup. But every time I go online, she immediately logs off. It happened too many times to be a coincidence, what could that mean?

I'm restricting myself now from going online only 2 times a day because I can't help myself otherwise. Hope I will rise from this pathetic ashes of a person I'm now and go back to the awesome guy I was before.

[cubicinch]

unfriend her on facebook... those things prevent you moving on. It's going to hurt, but you have to do it.

[gotbushels]

Hi Redstar91   

Welcome.

There seems to be a lot of this idea of a looming breakup around times when you were close to this person. We're here to support each other and I have no doubt this experience is shared by many here. What does this looming breakup feeling, feel like for you?

Can you describe the experience of the rock festival?

I do think the readings once removed suggested are a good idea for you. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on how you understand them.

Something that helps during times like this is to exercise self-compassion. What that may mean for you here is to understand that this breakup--pwBPD or not--is part of a process.

Often this flicking on an off social media is a symptom that perpetuates the cause. If you get at what's causing this, I think it will make things much easier for you. 

[Redstar91]

Hi Redstar91   

Welcome.

There seems to be a lot of this idea of a looming breakup around times when you were close to this person. We're here to support each other and I have no doubt this experience is shared by many here. What does this looming breakup feeling, feel like for you?

Can you describe the experience of the rock festival?

I do think the readings once removed suggested are a good idea for you. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on how you understand them.

Something that helps during times like this is to exercise self-compassion. What that may mean for you here is to understand that this breakup--pwBPD or not--is part of a process.

Often this flicking on an off social media is a symptom that perpetuates the cause. If you get at what's causing this, I think it will make things much easier for you. 

There were a lot of looming breakups when we were together. This started just after 4 weeks into the relationship, the magic mark that things were getting too serious in relationships for her. She usually dumped the guy after stringing him along for a couple of weeks.

But this was the first relationship she actually took serious it seems. After a month when we got together, she would sometimes have that face she was unhappy. She did not know were it came from and it usually went away after some time. I asked what was wrong at the time, but she could not give me an answer.

Sometimes it appeared she blacked out and was not even aware I was there. I remember from last summer before we were a couple but she knew I was interested: We were in her city (Ghent) enjoying the festivities during the summer. I saw some friends of mine from my time in high school on the sidewalk I didn't see for years, so I stopped and said hi. She did not even notice I stopped and just continued walking for 10-15 secs before noticing. Maybe she was  pressured because I chased her a lot during that period and she kept rejecting me, but we had some nice relaxing drinks just 10 mins before that event so it was nothing I said that day, even was a bit distant from previous rejection. I found it weird but did not think much about it at the time, but now I see a pattern.

I should explain the situation from that time period: The Rock festival is were I fell in love with her, more as a friend. Nothing happened really, I thought she was cute and was proud to show that experience to her (first time she was going to a major festival). She had to sleep over because it was easier for her. Maybe sharing the same room was a turning point for me, not sure. That's when I developed real feelings for her. She thought about me as a flirt before that.

We were planning to go to the festivities in Ghent together a week after the rock festival, but she backed away days before. I still wanted to go, so I contacted local friends of mine and stayed with them for the event. I only cared for the festivities with my friends anymore because she was too distant anyway. That evening she texted me around 21:00PM that if I wanted I could see her. Me and my friends had a pre-party at home and were not planning to go until 23:00PM and I was not in a hurry, but eventually we went and texted her if she still wanted to meet up. She said yes but was at the other side of the city and her phone battery was low. I gave up again, wanted to enjoy with my friends. Bit later she texted me her location and eventually we found each other in the masses. I went away from my group of friends for 5 mins to go and search for her (yes I had to go to her). We talked, introduced me to her friends (a couple, she was a third wheel). They seemed bored and wanted to go home, so away they went... .One hour later she texted me she regrets leaving so soon, I asked her why she did not want to come back and enjoy herself with me and my friends? She refused. Next day we met up for a coffee, I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel. But at that time I was chasing her way too much. She was still unsure at that time and I respected that. Never wanted to force anything anyway. We kept in contact during the summer, but did not meet up much because of work and university.

[Redstar91]

Small update:

It seems she restricted my access to her fb profile after this weekend. I can only see her changes she made to her profile pictures and I'm not able to comment on her profile picture. Why now? Hate it when I get obsessed but can't help myself.

Maybe it's better to go completely offline again for a couple of days.

I should also mention she snagged one of my t-shirts one weekend when she was mad at me. She has returned my books I lend her, but not my t-shirt. Why would she keep that?

[cubicinch]

my advice would be to block her on FB... dont be tempted at all, ever to look at her account, it will as I said earlier, only prevent you moving on. It is not healthy. Maybe she just disposed of the snagged tee shirt? Who knows but again, don't drive your self mad over it, it's not worth it. Don't read too much into it, and I wouldn't try to reopen communication avenues using it as an excuse; you need to move on in my opinion.

[JaxWest]

Small update:

It seems she restricted my access to her fb profile after this weekend. I can only see her changes she made to her profile pictures and I'm not able to comment on her profile picture. Why now? Hate it when I get obsessed but can't help myself.

Maybe it's better to go completely offline again for a couple of days.

I should also mention she snagged one of my t-shirts one weekend when she was mad at me. She has returned my books I lend her, but not my t-shirt. Why would she keep that?

That is interesting. My potential BPD did that as well. I never dated this BPD, just a constant strand of confusing meetings that had the feel of a first date over and over... .I called her out on her behavior the beginning of January and seemed like we could move forward as friends. Then, about a month after that, she emailed me, texted me and then restricted me on facebook... .Didn't block me, because she can still see things. I wonder if this is common for BPD.

I think part of the power they have is that they can confuse to the point that you are happy they are back. You think it is going nowhere, then they come back, so you go through that excitement again and again, but it never works. That may be her intention. I wouldn't pursue her if I were you, as there is a good chance it won't progress. Something will happen and she will go back to the same.

[Redstar91]

That is interesting. My potential BPD did that as well. I never dated this BPD, just a constant strand of confusing meetings that had the feel of a first date over and over... .I called her out on her behavior the beginning of January and seemed like we could move forward as friends. Then, about a month after that, she emailed me, texted me and then restricted me on facebook... .Didn't block me, because she can still see things. I wonder if this is common for BPD.

I think part of the power they have is that they can confuse to the point that you are happy they are back. You think it is going nowhere, then they come back, so you go through that excitement again and again, but it never works. That may be her intention. I wouldn't pursue her if I were you, as there is a good chance it won't progress. Something will happen and she will go back to the same.

Interesting perspective. If, big if, she comes back, best thing to do is to push her away. I expect she'll reach out on my birthday in may, big chance by then I'll be strong enough to do that. There's no future with a girl like that, I'm finally beginning to see that now.

[gotbushels]

There were a lot of looming breakups when we were together. This started just after 4 weeks into the relationship, the magic mark that things were getting too serious in relationships for her. She usually dumped the guy after stringing him along for a couple of weeks.

My experience of this was around 2-4 weeks of relationship.

She did not even notice I stopped and just continued walking for 10-15 secs before noticing. ... .I found it weird but did not think much about it at the time, but now I see a pattern.

The situation you described seems a little odd. I think what's normal is when people who aren't paying attention to each other don't actually notice when one person has stopped. But 10-15 seconds seems long. What's the pattern you see?

Interesting that you describe yourself as requiring strength to push her away. It may be that you truly don't want to be involved with this person to the point where you've set it up as a challenge. It may also be that you feel a need for this conflict in yourself to combat other feelings of a wanting to be with someone. I might be reading too much into it--but is this close to your experience?

[Redstar91]

My experience of this was around 2-4 weeks of relationship.
The situation you described seems a little odd. I think what's normal is when people who aren't paying attention to each other don't actually notice when one person has stopped. But 10-15 seconds seems long. What's the pattern you see?

Interesting that you describe yourself as requiring strength to push her away. It may be that you truly don't want to be involved with this person to the point where you've set it up as a challenge. It may also be that you feel a need for this conflict in yourself to combat other feelings of a wanting to be with someone. I might be reading too much into it--but is this close to your experience?

Deep down I just know that girl has too many issues for a longterm and healthy relationship. A lot has happened emotionally for me since my last post. I finally removed her from my fb 2 weeks ago and I feel relieved. I missed the relationship and the idea of her, who she could be in my imagination. But I do not miss her anymore. I used to be a very happy guy on my own, and I'm regaining that part of me again.

But I'm still amazed of how cold she was after our BU. It's probably not appropriate for a public forum, but I think it's relevant to write down the sexual part of the BU process. It still haunts me.

The morning we broke up, we had sex together and continued were we left off the night before. I reached my point fairly quick because we had to break it off the night before because she felt it hurt too much, I guess it was because of stress of her thinking to break up with me, but all I can do is guess. When I did reach my point and wanted to pull out and throw away the condom, she grabbed me and asked me to 'stay a little longer'. Then 20 mins later she broke up with me. How could someone be so close and intimate be capable of something like that?

It's a little more than 5 weeks now since I heard from her. That after reaching out to my parents for 3 weeks after the BU. She left me on read on fb messenger after my letter. Not even an acknowledgement like 'I need a little more time, I hope you understand'. It hurts, feels like punishment I do not deserve.

[cubicinch]

Deep down I just know that girl has too many issues for a longterm and healthy relationship. A lot has happened emotionally for me since my last post. I finally removed her from my fb 2 weeks ago and I feel relieved. I missed the relationship and the idea of her, who she could be in my imagination. But I do not miss her anymore. I used to be a very happy guy on my own, and I'm regaining that part of me again.

But I'm still amazed of how cold she was after our BU. It's probably not appropriate for a public forum, but I think it's relevant to write down the sexual part of the BU process. It still haunts me.

The morning we broke up, we had sex together and continued were we left off the night before. I reached my point fairly quick because we had to break it off the night before because she felt it hurt too much, I guess it was because of stress of her thinking to break up with me, but all I can do is guess. When I did reach my point and wanted to pull out and throw away the condom, she grabbed me and asked me to 'stay a little longer'. Then 20 mins later she broke up with me. How could someone be so close and intimate be capable of something like that?

It's a little more than 5 weeks now since I heard from her. That after reaching out to my parents for 3 weeks after the BU. She left me on read on fb messenger after my letter. Not even an acknowledgement like 'I need a little more time, I hope you understand'. It hurts, feels like punishment I do not deserve.

It's shocking that one person can do that to another... .just shocking. I feel for you, you must have been through a hard time these few weeks. No thought for your feelings at all.

[cubicinch]

It's as though she wanted one last experience of what a relationship is like before letting go. A memory to hold on to, or a manifestation of a goodbye. Really awful thing to happen to you or anyone.

[Redstar91]

I also remember her recycling her old relationships now, even when we were in a relationship for months. She was emailing an ex of hers she used to be with (a 'fling', some kissing/cuddling some years ago) but he moved away to another country. She even said she wanted to go and look him up. I can't believe myself now that I went along with that bull___. She broke up with him after a month because he was 'a bad cook' and 'spilled a cup of tea on her bed'.

Man I was such a moron.

[cubicinch]

no you wasn't a moron, don't blame yourself... the emotions we have are so strong that we don't see the signs, they have a hold over us. You can't blame yourself. Actually be pleased with yourself that you now recognise the negativity. Turn it into a positive.

[gotbushels]

Redstar91 well you're not alone. My ex was still somehow involved with at least one of her exs from time to time. Nothing wrong with it--but it's important to know it's there. Sometimes being around an ex helps a person to feel wanted--but some people don't want that.

Well, it wouldn't be unusual for my own ex to have said both of those things you mentioned. I know this feeling of being the moron. What frustrates you about comments like that?

[Redstar91]

I got a handwritten letter as a response today. 1,5 month after I sent my letter.

She said it's still to early for her to communicate, but the feelings she had for me and our intimate moments together were real for her. And she acknowledged we did not talk enough about important stuff. She is happy for the time we spent together and she misses me, still thinks about me and smiles when she reads things that make her think about me. But sometimes things just don't work out, it's not a science.

It does not require an answer so I can leave it at that. She acts very normal, but I won't forget things that happened during and after our relationship. I hope it remains quiet after this, I have a feeling it will.

[cubicinch]

Makes me wonder if they did have feelings as we know it... their ability to simply flick a switch on their emotions is obviously beyond our comprehension really.

[marti644]

Makes me wonder if they did have feelings as we know it... their ability to simply flick a switch on their emotions is obviously beyond our comprehension really.

cubicinch,

Remember that BPD's do not make rational choices when it comes to relationships, the disordered are not really aware of their decisions, they are highly  impulsive, there is no real planning.

They don't 'flip a switch' in the rational sense. They are not really in control of their behaviours in the way a mentally healthy person is. When they love they really do love. It is genuine as far as they know it at the time. When they hate it is the same.

This is an important distinction. As soon as I realized their was no real logic to my exes behaviour and that the behaviours in general had nothing to do with me at all, the more easily I have began to heal. And I can appreciate that she did love me, the best she knew how. That being said, there is no comprehending their specific behaviours, other than the pattern of BPD there is little sense to their psychosis in my opinion.