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Author Topic: At my wits end up  (Read 417 times)
HappyAngel

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« on: March 04, 2017, 10:28:12 AM »

So hello all that may understand or get what I am saying. I'm a 42 year old woman with a mother with BPD. This has never been officially diagnosed by after years of research and reading I am in no doubt that she had this. So I am happy to say I'm in a happy marriage (15 years( and have two wonderful twin boys aged 9. I'm a children's palliative care nurse. Have lovely friends and am close to my sister and dad. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a good life that I have created myself. But... .I have a demon in my life and that's my mother... .and after 42 years of some how trying to cope with her I feel like I can't do it anymore. I have read stop walking on eggshells and am currently reading stop care taking the borderline how to end the drama and get on with your life (if only). I could write a book on my mother's screwed up thinking and destructive behaviour. My father is her caretaker, he is totally aware that she had BPD, the most tolerant and stupid man that I know. He seems to think that being treated like a piece of rubbish is okay. He's never known any different. My mother is in terrible health, a self fulfilling prophecy, obese immobile, always ill... .she is totally physically dependent now which I'm certain she lives as she can orchestrate control from her bed or sofa. I try my best to see her as little as possible as she will inevitably start an argument, act weird, be inappropriate and generally wind everything up! The issue is that I rely on my dad for childcare, he often wants me to have dinner with the family which is of course lovely but I feel like I can't cope with spending this time with her. I have walked out a couple of times recently when my mum starts an argument, very difficult to walk out with nine year old twins in tow, but I feel I can't cope with her screaming and controlling ways much longer. I want a relationship with my dad but not her. I know it sounds mean but I don't know how else to cope with. Years of trying to explain to her that her behaviour is painful and not kind but of course she takes anything personally. It's beyond emotionally exhausting. I've cried tears for years, her unpredictability is exhausting. I'm exhausted with it. I almost feel nothing but too much. The pain is awful. I feel so angry too. Angry that I am not allowed to be angry (controlled by my Dad) that says my anger will make her worse). I know she will never get it she's beyond selfish and totally illogical. It's like trying to make a three year old having a constant meltdown understand! Should I tell her enough is enough. Although she's perfectly capable of pretending that every thing is fine or she will wallow in self pity and think about her self. It will be me me me! What shall I do? I'm just sick of the hurt, anger, manipulation, distortion, her being charming with every one else, in also pissed of that she keeps friending my friends on Facebook do she can give the perfect image. I'm sick of her having BPD being the family secret. Just had enough, please help... .advise please
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Kwamina
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2017, 10:47:31 AM »

Hi and welcome back here HappyAngel

It's been a long time since you were last here. I am sorry to hear the situation with your mother is affecting you this much though. I think anger is understandable and normal and also part of a healthy healing process as long as we are able to move through it. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother as well and I too have found this very hard to deal with.

You say you just had enough and after 42 years of dealing with this, I understand where you are coming from. The way you are feeling right now is perhaps a sign that you have indeed reached a certain limit and that it might be time to make some changes in how you deal with this situation.

Accepting the reality of having a BPD mother and the consequences this has for the relationship you are able to have with her isn't easy. Do you feel like you've at least somewhat been able to accept the harsh reality of your mother's BPD? Do you feel like you've been able to let go of the loving fantasy parent your mother probably never was, yet deep inside you might still have longed for very much? In many ways acceptance is like a mourning process because it means letting go of the parent we never had.
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
HappyAngel

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« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2017, 03:13:50 AM »

Hi Kwamina, thank you so much for your reply. I can't tell you how much it means to feel like I'm not alone and that I'm being acknowledged. i think I gave up hope sometime ago that my mum would ever be a "normal" mum to me. Whenever I stupidly let my barriers down and let her into my heart she would always break it. I don't put my self in that vulnerable place anymore. I'm not sure I'm mourning the mother I never had as I didn't ever know what that was like, how can you miss what you never had? I think by saying to her though that enough is enough that the repercussions would be too much. Even though I'm angry with my dad I still very much want a relationship with him. I see that he is also the victim in this. I don't want to loose him too, my mum and Dad are now in there 70's and my mum is dependent upon him for everything. I see that he feels he can't leave her, but I feel like she is a noose around his neck. Any retirement dreams he had are zero. I see that my father has pretty much sacrificed his own happiness for hers which makes me angry but I still feel sorry for him. I think I feel responsible for him in that sense, my father says he still loves her but I don't understand this whatsoever. Anything that she has every offered to love about her she destroys, I'm afraid I'm all out of love, and to love her would make me vulnerable, and that would be crazy. I apologise for my incoherent waffling but it's good to get out what I feel inside. Thank you for listening and replying you are very kind xx
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Kwamina
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« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2017, 01:31:32 PM »

Hi again HappyAngel

How are you feeling today?

I'm not sure I'm mourning the mother I never had as I didn't ever know what that was like, how can you miss what you never had?

Good point Smiling (click to insert in post) What I meant was that accepting the BPD parent means letting go of the hope that our parent could one day still turn into the consistently loving fantasy parent we unfortunately never had. That is a tough thing to let go of, I think many of our members with a BPD parent deep inside still have the pain that their parent in many ways won't ever be a real parent. Acceptance is often more like a sort of maintenance process, something we need to keep working on. To quote Dr. Marsha Linehan:
Excerpt
It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.
... .
Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

You mention having given up hope a long time ago that your mom would ever be a normal mom, but do you feel like you have also been really able to accept this harsh reality?

You very much still want to have a relationship with your dad, but the situation with your mother complicates things. Your mother is the one with BPD, but based on how you describe your father, it seems he also has some issues. Reading the posts on this boards it becomes clear that the non-BPD parents who take no constructive actions to improve their situation, often also have certain issues of their own. Your dad is a an adult, yet has chosen to live this way for a very long time now. Why is that you think? You mention that he's never known any different, are you just talking about the way your mother treats him or also about his life before he met your mother? How does your dad generally let other people than your mother treat him?

It also concerns me that you say you are not allowed to be angry by your father because he believes your anger will make your mother worse. Do you feel like he is aware how negatively your mother's behavior is affecting you? And perhaps more importantly, do you feel like your father has any awareness of just how much he too is contributing to things being the way they are?

Take care

The Board Parrot
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
HappyAngel

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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2017, 04:31:19 AM »

Thanks for your supportive reply board parrot! Sometimes it's too painful to type and get these words out! I've had a couple of weeks of feeling a lot of pain and clarity. So with Mother's Day tomorrow here in the u.k thus has been super difficult. Firstly had to buy my mother a card which took lots of psyching myself up, didn't actually want to buy the thing! But i decided to take control and book a table in a restaurant for my husband and kids and sister and her family and invited my mother and father along. After much long discussions with my dad he understands that I do not want to do anything after the meal with my mum and that we will go our separate ways. Oh my goodness this is a big thing for my family, as I would usually spend the whole of Mother's Day with my mum! Of course I am having moments of guilt and of course my mum will see this as a rejection which in part it is. But I want to spend time with my boys not feeling worried that my mum could ruin the whole day! I've had years of my mother souring something good! Or that I am of course walking on eggshells! I think my father understands and says he will take my mum out to the cinema after the meal! Might I also my mum is disabled and is unable to walk more than 10 metres! She uses a mobility truck and is morbidly obese and has dozens of other co-morbidities! So my mother being able to join us for a country walk after would be impossible! Although my father is still under some delusion that she can manage! I guess I am also in a place where I am angry with my dad, my dad has always been my hero but I am now feeling angry that he always puts my mum first and never me! She has such power over him and his behaviours are so entrenched that I think he no longer sees the issue. He has always just wanted a happy family that do lovely family things but that will never happen all the time my mum is here! I also see that my parents are in their 70's and time is running out, I will never get to spend quality time with my dad in the way that I would like. I feel cheated, I feel angry and I feel so sad about this. I'm trying to work my way through this and make sense of it all! Wish I knew of some counsellors in the uk! But grateful that I can share what's deep in my heart here x
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Fie
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Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2017, 12:45:32 PM »

Hello Happyangel 

I read your story and I wanted to let you know that I understand your anger.
My mum is BPD, my dad is codependent. For years I also like you felt he was my hero. When I started to see and understand our family dynamics though, I started to become so angry. Suddenly I saw my dad for who he was : not a hero at all, just a man who had a BPD mother himself and who decided (unconsciously) to replay the dynamics of his own childhood. It’s all he has ever known …
Once I started to have boundaries with my parents, guess who was the angriest….my dad ! So no, to me he’s not a hero anymore. I think he even has narcissistic traits, but that’s another story.

I once read in someone’s post here on these boards that the writer felt like her dad sacrificed her for his own peace of mind. That made me realize that I actually feel the same way. All of those years I thought my dad had no idea what was happening between my mother and her children. Now I know that he did know. He just decided to look away.
Of course it does not have to be the same for your dad ! But I wanted to let you know that your anger is understood, and normal.

xx
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