I need help... I don't know how to move on

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's 1 in the morning and like I've been doing for most of the past 2 years I'm laying in bed wide awake feeling like there's a smoking crater in my chest where my heart should be.

I'm getting over what I think is the last "break" (what she calls them) from my BPD relationship. This one seems serious because there was no accusation. She didn't randomly accuse me of X and demand space. It was just nothing and cya.

We met online 2-3 years ago and it was instant love. Months later we were engaged. I moved 800 miles and interrupted my incomes, my university education, incurred a very large amount of debt (I'm screwed) and hurt some very good friends in order to be closer to her.

After years of games, she sent me a strange message (totally out of character) reassuring me that no matter what happens, she loves me and to stop worrying. I almost feel like this was a deliberate act of cruelty. I was visiting my family and knew from past experience that if I was going away or interacting with other people, she would probably dump me.

As soon as I got there, she dumped me, on Christmas day.

There was no discussion. She told me she had moved on then ignored me for weeks. She sent me a couple of bizarre "what's shakin'? how's the weather?" texts but ignored my desperate attempts to get her to explain to me why she went from loving me forever to dumping me in a single day.

I want closure I know I'll never get. I want her to break down and tell me everything she's been feeling and swear we can remain friends but I know it will never happen.

I think it as worse than the normal mirroring, fake BPD relationship because we really do have very similar pasts, families, personalities, political beliefs, senses of humor, hobbies... .Everything really. I've seen her ugly side and the parts she faked, but she didn't have to fake much with me. We are remarkably similar. It makes it so much harder.

It was also worse because I was in my mid-20s (pushing 30 now) and obsessed with the whole soulmates, waiting for the one thing. I'm a reasonably attractive date-able guy who had never slept with anyone and would rather die than cheat. I have very little experience with romantic relationships and she's the first woman I ever loved. I still love her.

The first warning signs came when she would simultaneously tell me how much she loved me and needed me while telling mutual friends in another window how I wasn't really her type and what her exit strategy should be. I confronted her and told her that if she feels that way, she can tell me. She acted like I was victimizing her until I apologized.

It crushed me, but you know how blind we get, how we try to "understand", refusing to believe that we already understand, that we really saw them acting that way.

Then to her credit she warned me that she was "crazy and can't be in relationships".

When I found out that during one of our "breaks" she was giving her number to guys at parties and referring to me as a "pathetic f*ggot stalker" around mutual friends, I started sending goodbyes to those friends and planned to commit suicide. It was here she admitted she was borderline... .While simultaneously egging me on to kill myself.

This was a girl who would call me at 4 AM crying because she was lonely and scared of life until I calmed her down and told her how much I love and worship her. I was ALWAYS there for her. I gave up my own health and sanity to heal her wounds. I would pull over into the emergency lane on the freeway in the rain in the middle of the night just to calm her down on the phone and tell her I loved her.

I couldn't kill myself because the one woman I love more than this one is my mother. I thought of her and just broke down crying, didn't leave my apartment for weeks and lived off of canned food. I've wasted away.

I gave her everything and I thought she was giving me everything too. Soon every time a guy talked to her she instantly became single. Every time I talked to a cashier or told a lewd joke I was "caught cheating" on her. Every time I tried to stand up for myself she was madly in love with me again and dangling her sexual submissiveness in my face. The never-ending cycle of torture... .

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on. It looks like "no contact" will be happening whether I like it or not since my number has been blocked and she's made it clear that if I visit her at work I will be treated as a stalker. And I believe her and I don't want to seem like the crazy one so I wouldn't do that anyway. But what do I do.

AT THE SAME TIME... . I know she will be back. Whether it's a month from now or a year or 20 years. She has many ways to contact me. I will forgive everything and immediately move back across the country, probably be dumped upon arrival.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. She has been all I've thought about for almost 3 years now. I dream of her every night, she's the only person I've ever been in love with, we are practically clones outside of her disorder. I was either talking to her or talking to a voice in my head that sounded and acted exactly like her. She was/is my life. I don't know how to move on.

I know I'm rambling but I'm in shambles right now. I'm living in a closet-sized studio apartment in the middle of nowhere too depressed to do anything, just texting a blocked phone number. I have zero friends, none. The few I had are across the country and were cut off when I met her.

I've watched therapy sessions on youtube and it looks useless to me. The idea of trying to explain the connection I had with this woman to a random stranger in a dusty office makes me 10x as depressed. I've been drinking a lot. Not sleeping at all, ever.

My God if she just threw me a bone. If she could spare 15 minutes to tell me what I did wrong and how she's feeling about our relationship. Even if she just came clean and said she used me to get out of the hole she was in and doesn't need me anymore. I've been through breakups before and bounced back in a day. She knows how deeply I love her... .She refuses to give me any sort of closure

[cantmoveon]

It's 1 in the morning and like I've been doing for most of the past 2 years I'm laying in bed wide awake feeling like there's a smoking crater in my chest where my heart should be.

I'm getting over what I think is the last "break" (what she calls them) from my BPD relationship. This one seems serious because there was no accusation. She didn't randomly accuse me of X and demand space. It was just nothing and cya.

We met online 2-3 years ago and it was instant love. Months later we were engaged. I moved 800 miles and interrupted my incomes, my university education, incurred a very large amount of debt (I'm screwed) and hurt some very good friends in order to be closer to her.

After years of games, she sent me a strange message (totally out of character) reassuring me that no matter what happens, she loves me and to stop worrying. I almost feel like this was a deliberate act of cruelty. I was visiting my family and knew from past experience that if I was going away or interacting with other people, she would probably dump me.

As soon as I got there, she dumped me, on Christmas day.

There was no discussion. She told me she had moved on then ignored me for weeks. She sent me a couple of bizarre "what's shakin'? how's the weather?" texts but ignored my desperate attempts to get her to explain to me why she went from loving me forever to dumping me in a single day.

I want closure I know I'll never get. I want her to break down and tell me everything she's been feeling and swear we can remain friends but I know it will never happen.

I think it as worse than the normal mirroring, fake BPD relationship because we really do have very similar pasts, families, personalities, political beliefs, senses of humor, hobbies... .Everything really. I've seen her ugly side and the parts she faked, but she didn't have to fake much with me. We are remarkably similar. It makes it so much harder.

It was also worse because I was in my mid-20s (pushing 30 now) and obsessed with the whole soulmates, waiting for the one thing. I'm a reasonably attractive date-able guy who had never slept with anyone and would rather die than cheat. I have very little experience with romantic relationships and she's the first woman I ever loved. I still love her.

The first warning signs came when she would simultaneously tell me how much she loved me and needed me while telling mutual friends in another window how I wasn't really her type and what her exit strategy should be. I confronted her and told her that if she feels that way, she can tell me. She acted like I was victimizing her until I apologized.

It crushed me, but you know how blind we get, how we try to "understand", refusing to believe that we already understand, that we really saw them acting that way.

Then to her credit she warned me that she was "crazy and can't be in relationships".

When I found out that during one of our "breaks" she was giving her number to guys at parties and referring to me as a "pathetic f*ggot stalker" around mutual friends, I started sending goodbyes to those friends and planned to commit suicide. It was here she admitted she was borderline... .While simultaneously egging me on to kill myself.

This was a girl who would call me at 4 AM crying because she was lonely and scared of life until I calmed her down and told her how much I love and worship her. I was ALWAYS there for her. I gave up my own health and sanity to heal her wounds. I would pull over into the emergency lane on the freeway in the rain in the middle of the night just to calm her down on the phone and tell her I loved her.

I couldn't kill myself because the one woman I love more than this one is my mother. I thought of her and just broke down crying, didn't leave my apartment for weeks and lived off of canned food. I've wasted away.

I gave her everything and I thought she was giving me everything too. Soon every time a guy talked to her she instantly became single. Every time I talked to a cashier or told a lewd joke I was "caught cheating" on her. Every time I tried to stand up for myself she was madly in love with me again and dangling her sexual submissiveness in my face. The never-ending cycle of torture... .

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on. It looks like "no contact" will be happening whether I like it or not since my number has been blocked and she's made it clear that if I visit her at work I will be treated as a stalker. And I believe her and I don't want to seem like the crazy one so I wouldn't do that anyway. But what do I do.

AT THE SAME TIME... . I know she will be back. Whether it's a month from now or a year or 20 years. She has many ways to contact me. I will forgive everything and immediately move back across the country, probably be dumped upon arrival.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. She has been all I've thought about for almost 3 years now. I dream of her every night, she's the only person I've ever been in love with, we are practically clones outside of her disorder. I was either talking to her or talking to a voice in my head that sounded and acted exactly like her. She was/is my life. I don't know how to move on.

I know I'm rambling but I'm in shambles right now. I'm living in a closet-sized studio apartment in the middle of nowhere too depressed to do anything, just texting a blocked phone number. I have zero friends, none. The few I had are across the country and were cut off when I met her.

I've watched therapy sessions on youtube and it looks useless to me. The idea of trying to explain the connection I had with this woman to a random stranger in a dusty office makes me 10x as depressed. I've been drinking a lot. Not sleeping at all, ever.

My God if she just threw me a bone. If she could spare 15 minutes to tell me what I did wrong and how she's feeling about our relationship. Even if she just came clean and said she used me to get out of the hole she was in and doesn't need me anymore. I've been through breakups before and bounced back in a day. She knows how deeply I love her... .She refuses to give me any sort of closure

[Sadly]

My dear friend
You may be alone in your bed sit but you are not alone here. Everyone has been or is going through what you are now. Unfortunately, as hard as it may be to accept, neither is your relationship unique. I too believed I had met my soulmate as did many others, our closeness was incredible our shared interests amazing, we knew what each other were thinking and often spoke the same words at the same time. My incredible unbelievable relationship lies in ashes at my feet and my belief in love is tarnished to the point of decay. I also reached the point of taking my own life several times and sadly for me the only thing that pulled me back wasn't even another human being but my little rescue cat. Also, as many here have done I went back time and time again, just to suffer more hurt and humiliation.
HOWEVER
I survived. Read here sweetheart, read and listen and learn. Here was my lifeline. I learnt I had to change me because I couldn't change him. As you read you will discover what you are dealing with, a very serious mental illness. Sometimes our views here differ of course. Although some of the things that happened to me were evil and vile, I refuse to see him as evil and vile, he is ill, end of. I love him still, end of, I can't ever be with him, end of. I wouldn't want to inhabit the dark lonely confused space in his head for anything. The other things that have gone wrong in your life can eventually be put right, studies, friends, finances when you have the mental strength to do so. I suggest for now you visit your doctor, try to get some help with sleeping, I was surprised when my Doc knew about BPD, come here as much as you can, read, learn and believe me when I say you are not alone ok? We have love and support and endless time to give you, take it 
Love from
Sadly xx

[marti644]

cantmoveon,

We are here for you. If you need anything just ask.

Just hang in there and take baby steps. For me it was shaving, eating again, cleaning my apartment. Then eventually it was talking to friends and family. Be honest, and tell them everything, for you, not for them. See a therapist, it does wonders. Vent, be sad, angry, and let yourself feel your emotions.

Set yourself tasks to get yourself on your feet. Keep busy.  I run 5 K everyday now just exhaust myself so I can sleep. I still have nightmares which I hope subside someday.

I take on extra tasks at work just to keep my mind filled.

You will survive this and you are free now. Free from a life of lies, cheating, and abuse. Remember that. We are a family here and the more I read the more I understand how not alone I am. There is comfort in that.

Sincerely, Marti

[roberto516]

I'm here for you. Is there a way to change your username to "liberated"? Because that is what has happened. As much as it doesn't feel that way. You are now free my friend! Please don't hesitate to reach out. Look at all the support you have here!

[heartandwhole]

Hi cantmoveon,



My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much. I can understand your feelings of wanting to go back, despite the treatment that you've undergone. So many of us have been there, and the beginning is often very difficult. Many of us have had to white knuckle it through, but we've come out the other side, and you can, too. 

As the other members have mentioned, you've found a great place for support. The members here understand what these kinds of breakups feel like, and the site has loads of tools and resources to help.

I recommend lots of self-care right now. You need strength to get through this. Enough sleep, good food, fresh air, movement. If you are like me, you probably don't care an iota for any of those things right now, but I assure you that with baby steps, your feeling WILL start to change. It happened for me, and it can for you.

When I first got here, I felt devastated and confused about what I had just experienced. This article helped me tremendously:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD. When you have time, please take a look at it, and read as much as you can. It will help you understand that you are not alone, and that what you feel right now makes sense, considering the kind of relationship dynamic you were in.

If you can obtain access to therapy, I highly recommend it. Are you near a university by chance?

Take good care of yourself, cantmoveon. And keep writing. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[cantmoveon]

Thank you all for your kind posts. I read every word.

I think I'm still in the denial stage. I fall asleep having strange ideas about her "not really being the way she is" or reading these articles about it just self-resolving and how I would prove my love to her by waiting for 10 years for that self-resolve to happen. It sounds so laughable but my heart wants it to be true.

I learnt I had to change me because I couldn't change him. As you read you will discover what you are dealing with, a very serious mental illness. Sometimes our views here differ of course. Although some of the things that happened to me were evil and vile, I refuse to see him as evil and vile, he is ill, end of. I love him still, end of, I can't ever be with him, end of.

I agree with you. I don't see her as evil. She had a terrible childhood and couldn't trust even her own parents/siblings. That's part of what makes it so painful though. If she was just evil I could disregard her. She's sick and I just have to force myself to leave her in her coma and go live my life. Feels like a dagger in the chest.

You will survive this and you are free now.

Is there a way to change your username to "liberated"?

Whenever we fought at first she would tell me I'm "free" and "liberated" (dumped). At the time I had no idea what the heck that meant or why you would consider randomly dumping someone liberation. Guess I finally get it.

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD.

Are you near a university by chance?

Thank you. I will read it tonight. Yes I am near a university. I just have so much social anxiety right now I don't even know if I can talk to a therapist. This is about the most I've talked to any humans since she cut me off. Crawling out of a dark cave remembering how to form sentences.

[marti644]

cantmoveon,

You need to change your name. You are moving on because you're on this forum. You have acknowledged that something was wrong with this relationship and that you needed to do something about  it. Be proud of yourself, this is the first phase of your detachment.

Stay strong!

[lovenature]

Sorry to hear of the intense pain you are in cantmoveon.

What I found has worked best for me started with what most agree is essential to healing: 100% NC. While I finally was able to remain total NC on my end, my ex. (who lives across the street from me) refused to stop trying to contact me, what finally stopped most of it was me not responding in ANY way to her thereby showing her an attachment was no longer in place.
While staying NC I found the more I learned about BPD, and my part in it when I was ready, the clearer things became and the less I wanted to go back. Recovery isn't linear though, some days are much better than others, and you can't force it; you need to allow yourself to process things and heal, the only way out is through.
Once you are out long enough you see things clearly enough to realize just how serious a mental illness BPD really is, and that not going back is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and your ex.

Take care.