Chance meeting that left me completely rattled.

[duncsvoice]

Hey gang,

I'm in the freedom stage, I rarely think of my ex, and when I do it's with such ambivalence it's like a fart in the wind!

I've been with my new partner since November, and she is quite wonderful. Zero red flags, she's funny, intelligent, beautiful, supportive and encourages me to embrace my inner nerd. For the first time in years and years, and I tell her this, I find myself just naturally smiling. She's aware of what I went through with my ex, not in the absolute harrowing detail (of which I just don't want to drag up anymore) but she knows my ex caused me a lot of physical, and emotional damage.

So, normal Saturday out shopping, I'm carrying all the bags and I feel a pat on my shoulder - it's my ex, grinning from ear to ear, and I just feel an overwhelming sense of panic. All I can say is "no", and walk away to get my partner and get the hell out of there. As if my ex was a shark and she smelt blood, she literally followed me around the shop hurling insults, bringing up the cat we had together, loudly exclaiming my attempts at reconciling with her last August (utterly false). I knew exactly what was going on, she wanted my attention, wasn't getting it and was lashing out ignoring my requests to leave me alone and following me.

I could feel myself retreating inside myself, like I had done those two years we were together. My partner, who is little, quite shy, and just lovely, quite incredibly shut my ex down, who scarpered off. She said I looked like a dog who had been beaten and seen it's former owner.

I just feel guilty about my reaction. I'm quite a proud guy, pretty well built and like to be the 'protector', but in this moment I just felt useless, like a little puppy dog. Hearing that voice and seeing that face brought all that pain flooding back and I could feel a panic attack coming along. I felt guilty about my partner being exposed to this awful, dark period of my life.

Is that a normal reaction? I feel that sweet ambivalence towards her, quite literally couldn't care less. I feel incredibly grateful to my partner, who knows how vicious my ex can be for being so cool and protecting me. I feel fine today, just a bit rattled.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Duncsvoice,

I'm not surprised you froze. Your reaction sounds quiet normal. I get jumpy when I’m ambushed by my BPD. It’s the Pavolo's Dog thing, they know how to trigger us. So I’m guessing your ex thought your Cat might be a trigger also, what with you having empathy and all that.

The main thing with this trigger you've just experienced, is you know why it happened. Also it’s a human thing, we all have things we get anxious about, spiders, heights, or in your case your BPD ex. The thing about someone with BPD is they are extremely good at placing triggers in there. At using fear to control us, so rather than feel a loss of pride, feel good, because it means you are human. A BPD normally targets good honest people, because they know you won’t lie, they know you’ll do the right thing and its easier for them to manipulate someone they can predict. Also they can use your empathy against you.  So here again you win out, you must be honest and moral. Not that the general public would see it that way, but... . 

The way to deal with this anxiety is to rationalise it away. So a BPD can give us the feeling we have no control, so yes we can freeze. But in truth, I'm guessing your BPD doesn't have absolute control over you any more. Also do you ever need to see her again ? If not, then this is only a problem if other people with BPD attributes give you anxiety. Does that happen ?

[duncsvoice]

Hey HappyChappy, thanks for your reply

In all honestly, aside from my 'guilt' of my partner being dragged in to it, she's very supportive and made me realise there's nothing I could have done. I didn't go seeking her out, and I couldn't have done any more apart from literally running full speed out of the shop!

Going over it, I knew exactly what she was trying to do. First insulting me, then bringing up my/our cat, knowing that would have previously got a reaction from me. But I just didn't react, on the surface anyway it bounced off me. So, with that I guess I can be proud of how I reacted. Just that initial shock of seeing her set me on the back foot straight away. I knew exactly what she was doing, and I think I dealt with it as best I could just by refusing to engage. Next time (if there is a next time) I'll know just to walk away and not stop until she's out of sight.

What was particularly nice, is my partners Mum spoke to me about it and said how proud she was of how I acted and even gave me a hug, so I already feel like if something does happen, I've got a bigger support net than I ever did before. It's a lovely feeling.

Absolutely never need to see her again. She's blocked from every possible avenue of contacting me. She is just the main cast member of an incredibly dark episode of my past, and that's where she's staying as far as I'm concerned. I feel anxious about seeing her (for the moment), just because I know how volatile she can be. It's just her, although I can't say I've come across someone else with those traits, but I'd know to stay well away. But alas, I'm not going to be scared walking around town just in case.

But thanks again for your response, it's helped to organise my thoughts about it.

[MiserableMostly]

I can only hope and pray that I have the strength to do what you did if that happens to me. Well done.

[gettingoverit]

Hey,
No need to feel too badly about your reaction. It's only natural after what you have gone through. I bumped into my ex and the one she left me for a little over a week ago. It has been 5 years and after all this time, my fight or flight response still kicked in. All I could manage was to look down on the ground and keep walking pretending she was not there, even though I had to walk right past her. Lucky for me, my wife was with me. She recognized both of them and just gave them a big smile while she walked by then turns to me and says that my ex looks old and haggard. Lol! Gotta love that. Sometimes we forget we went through a traumatic experience and in most cases took a lot of abuse from our exes. It's only natural to want to run and hide. The chance meeting did have an effect on me for a few days after. I found myself thinking about her and what she did to me and how awful that relationship was. It sat with me and I realized after all this time, I still carried the scars from that hell hole of a relationship. I guess it's the price we pay for dancing with the Devil. Also good for your current gf for kicking some psycho @ss! Sometimes all it takes is another bystander to put them in their place. Be gentle with yourself, these things take time to heal from.

[Gear Jammer]

I don't think mine will do that, the last time I seen her face to face she was nervous and wouldn't really look at me all I got was some giggles.

[HappyChappy]

I knew exactly what she was doing, and I think I dealt with it as best I could just by refusing to engage.

Hey Duncsvoice,

Even though you got the adrenaline rush, I would agree you  dealt with it very well. Keep sharing those successes, it give hope to those that aren’t there just yet. 

[marti644]

duncsvoice,

Sounds like you dealt with the situation very well, and sounds like your new partner is a standup gal. I live in a very small town and am waiting for my first encounter, which I am dreading. I'm hoping for a giggle instead of the punch she promised me when she saw me next. Good on ya man.

[lovenature]

Yes it is a normal reaction from being immersed in a serious mental illness and the effects it had on you.
Just accept your reaction and feelings, and put the focus back onto your current partner and you.

[Eazie520]

Hi! Oh dear... .I know exactly how you feel.  I too ran into my ex this morning and I am still badly shaken.  He has recycled me e flea sly during the past 7 years. We have been NC for 6 weeks. The last we spoke he said we needed to be done (his usual speech) and that if I dared contact him he would call the cops and file harassment charges. He blocked me on all social media and changed his number (not the first time he's done this). So I was quite shocked when he spotted me at the gym and approached me.  I turned and  walked away. He followed and insisted that I just stay and do my workout. I didn't stay but just seeing him has thrown me off completely. I was feeling great about myself until now.  Now I'm like this scared little kid.  I'm sorry you had a similar experience.  Just seek support as much as you can.   Being with a BPD is crazy making. And the aftermath is just as bad, if not worse.   I pray that you find peace soon.