Not having a good day today

[Ragnar1982]

Hey all,

I'm experiencing this in waves lately. Some days I'm good, and other days I feel like I'm emotionally trapped. Funny enough, I mentioned that to my ex a couple days ago, and she said she feels the same way. We are on the same page as to our relationship right now, and both agree that we can't go on unless she is actually out on her own and not living with her husband/ex (I don't even know what to call him at this point). It's just hard. We spoke in the phone yesterday and she was telling me about a wedding she went to Saturday night... .and how the vows got her to thinking how she would respond when asked if she would be my husband during the ceremony. Her response would be "oh god yes!", according to her. It just hurts thinking of everything that was supposed to be, that likely will never be. I've established my boundaries with her as far as having a romantic relationship goes, but I'm not convinced she is doing anything to put us in the position to be together. Part of me feels like she just needs me around until she finds another guy to string along, and part of me wants to believe that she really does love me and we will be together. It just sucks. I don't want NC, and I know she doesn't either, I just hate thinking that our reasons for LC are different. I still don't want to accept that she is BPD, it's not like she is diagnosed that I know of, but I can't ignore all that's happened, nor the thoughts of wanting it to be different. It's impacting me and how much I am opening up in my new relationship, too. It's like I'm keeping myself in check hoping me ex finally turns it around, and I feel guilty about that. I just needed to put this out there and vent. Thanks for listening.

[Sadly]

Hi Ragnar
Sorry, I don't know your story. Are you saying she still lives with her husband/ex or whatever and you are in a new relationship? You talk with her about possibilities? I am a bit confused?
Love from
Sadly

[roberto516]

Hey all,

I'm experiencing this in waves lately. Some days I'm good, and other days I feel like I'm emotionally trapped. Funny enough, I mentioned that to my ex a couple days ago, and she said she feels the same way. We are on the same page as to our relationship right now, and both agree that we can't go on unless she is actually out on her own and not living with her husband/ex (I don't even know what to call him at this point). It's just hard. We spoke in the phone yesterday and she was telling me about a wedding she went to Saturday night... .and how the vows got her to thinking how she would respond when asked if she would be my husband during the ceremony. Her response would be "oh god yes!", according to her. It just hurts thinking of everything that was supposed to be, that likely will never be. I've established my boundaries with her as far as having a romantic relationship goes, but I'm not convinced she is doing anything to put us in the position to be together. Part of me feels like she just needs me around until she finds another guy to string along, and part of me wants to believe that she really does love me and we will be together. It just sucks. I don't want NC, and I know she doesn't either, I just hate thinking that our reasons for LC are different. I still don't want to accept that she is BPD, it's not like she is diagnosed that I know of, but I can't ignore all that's happened, nor the thoughts of wanting it to be different. It's impacting me and how much I am opening up in my new relationship, too. It's like I'm keeping myself in check hoping me ex finally turns it around, and I feel guilty about that. I just needed to put this out there and vent. Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry Ragnar. I really am. You've helped me more than once with your observations and feedback. I can't tell you what to do, nor do I. I can only speak for myself. The decision to go NC has finally given me more better days. But I didn't do it for her. I did it because I need to move forward. And I can't if I stayed in touch. For me, I have serious trauma from the subtle emotional abuse and sometimes outward verbal abuse. My therapist helped me see that. Only speaking for myself, I can't go forward without leaving the past behind.

If you ever want to talk please don't hesitate. I'm sending positive vibes your way. You're too kind of a person to be feeling this way right now over someone who might just be keeping you around as a back up plan/a constant source of validation.

[Ragnar1982]

Thanks Roberto. I appreciate that.

Sadly:  I knew from the beginning of our relationship that she lived with him. We met a year and a half ago, but she told me they were not together. Since the beginning there was always a plan for her or him to leave, but that plan changed from month to month. I just went along because everything seemed at least a bit reasonable. After he found out about me last May, apparently they began to work things out. One problem, I didn't know that! We carried on kind of on and off since then until recently because things just never seemed right. I found out she was with him this entire time, although she never told me. All I got were more promises of how wonderful our life would be and how she was still leaving. This seriously went on for a year and a half. Finding out the truth took a toll on me and I decided to stop shutting out someone who I knew cared about me and began something new. But still my ex says things are changing and that she only wants me. I'm being firm in the fact I can't consider it unless the environment is different and I'm trying to see how I feel about the new relationship. She knows I'm seeing someone else, too.  I keep telling myself I'm in love with the idea of her and how could I be hanging on to someone who lied to me over very major things, and in the process was using me to cheat, while leading me to believe I was in a real relationship. I know I was lied too. I know I was conned. I just can't let go and it's making me feel very weak mentally and emotionally. Do I really hate myself this much? I tend not to think so, but I can't let the fantasy go. I feel VERY stupid.

[MiserableMostly]

All I can say is I feel the same way. I don't know what it is. I think we're clinging to an imaginary life that was promised to us in our heads. But if we really looked at the facts and the situation we knew was never possible. You don't want whatever your BPDex is offering / lying to you about. You think that if she marries you she'll stop cheating? No. Do you want to be this other guy who lives with her? Married and KNOWING that she's been cheating on him with you? Is that the life you want? I'd imagine not. But somehow we convince ourselves that it'll be different with you. That's our egos talking. Even if she left that guy and moved in with you, she'd still make you miserable. She'd be cheating on you instead... .maybe even with the guy she currently lives with. You have to let go of whatever life you imagined you could have. That life was based on empty promises by her, direct manipulations by her and ignoring the facts life by you.

Easier said than done, I know. But if you're in a new relationship now it's not fair to hold onto that idea. You should be trying to build it with this new person.

[Ragnar1982]

Thanks MM. I just read your post a few minutes ago and was thinking how similar our feelings are.  I may reply to that post a bit later after I collect some thoughts.

Yeah it's totally crazy. I should be focusing everything on this new relationship. I also know that if she was with me (my ex) that she's probably donthe same things. Did I mention her first marriage ended because she was cheating on her first husband with this guy? He even said that to me (husband two. Yes we spoke about his a few weeks ago). Sounds like they both use the kids as a means to stay together because it sounds like they cheat on each other and have been for years, but neither wants to split up because of the financial burdens and custody stuff. Even typing this out makes me feel ridiculous for even grieving this. Like I just keep touching a hot stove. I feel like an addict. I know it's all wrong and that my feelings are wrong and misplaced. I loved/love her so much. Too bad I'm really in love with the fantasy and it was never real. It can't be. I keep telling myself that.