3 Months Later - Still So Angry

[MiserableMostly]

I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel like I've written and read every single thing there is to write and read about BPD. I'm going on 3 months NC with my BPDex. I've done most things right. Obviously, no contact has been made. I've been keeping very busy, I've been making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, exploring my emotions, attempting meditation, going on dates, having sex, and yet... .here I am. Still on this board. When I was about 30 days into NC someone told me to just wait until 90 days that's when you really start feeling better. Well... .What the heck. I feel like I'm just as angry as before.

I think I'm angry now because I expected her to reach out to me at this point. I think I didn't truly let go and was doing everything I could to move on but I always had the thought in the back of my head that her replacement would go away and she'd try to recycle me. I really wanted the validation of some kind of reach out. Even if I was just going to ignore it. I just wanted some acknowledgment that I was a person to her and not just some guy she dated a lifetime ago that didn't mean anything. I think that's what's been hardest to accept. Is that I mean nothing to this person.

My therapist and I prepared ourselves for a potential 'Happy Birthday' text on my birthday last week. That didn't come. I was fine with it for a couple of days and now I'm just mad again. My friend who's dated everyone in the DSM rainbow says that not reaching out to you is a sign that she respects you. She said she was appalled at one guy she dated who knew he couldn't give her what she wanted but still pursued her anyway... .knowing that he would hurt her. By being ignored, she's actually delivering me a kindness. Which I logically understand. I have done the same to other exes where I knew it was over. Better to not say anything and avoid the pain.

BUT that still makes me angry. Because I want her to WANT me still. I know it's not right or healthy. But the fact is she's willing to give me that "kindness" now but she also wanted to remain friends after the breakup. Which I knew was crazy so I said we shouldn't do that. So maybe I asked for this. Maybe I shut down her attempts at a friendship after the break up and so she's just doing what I asked. So can I get mad? I guess not. I know if I brought this up to her she'd say, 'I was just doing what you asked.' Well, I guess that makes me angry because why is doing what I asked so easy for you? It wasn't even an issue it seems.

So now I've taken a step back. Whereas before I was maintaining strict NC and slowly eliminating any form of connection with her now I've had a couple of regressions. First, I've unblocked her on everything. That doesn't mean I can see any of her social media accounts (they're all private), it just opens the door for her to reach out to me. Second, I'm continuously checking her friends Instagram pages to see if / what she's liked. Third, I check to see when she's signed into gChat and then ruminate about why she is or isn't online.

So, I'm not in a good place I guess. I feel angry most of the time. I'm back to writing posts on this Reddit that are too long. I haven't moved on at all. If she contacted and pursued me I'd be back in a second.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MM, What caused the two of you to part ways?  What makes you think she has BPD?  If deep down you are really hoping for a recycle, why not reach out to her and let her know that you are rethinking things?  Instead of waiting around, hoping she'll contact you, I suggest you take a proactive approach.  Rather than play the role of the a victim, you could get in touch w/her if that's what you want to do.  Suggest you take back your power and determine what it is you would like to see happen, then go out and do it.

LuckyJim

[Ragnar1982]

MM: I'm with you on this. I still want her to want me the way that I want her.  I hate the thought of her saying the words she said to me who someone else. I "was her soulmate". She still tells me I am. It's all just so clear that it's all BS, but I love the idea of that so much with her that I just want it to be real. I did the same thing as you, unblocked her everywhere. We have been communicating. It helps me in those moments when we do, like I get my fix and reassurance I'm doing the right thing, but then after I hold onto the things that will never be. We were texting in the morning yesterday and she told me she was talking to her brother about me. She even sent a screenshot of the conversation to prove it. That made me feel good, but afterward I looked at it as manipulative. She has done the same thing to me in the past with a conversation with her daughter back in July. About how much they both missed me. We had a conversation on the phone in the morning, too. Same type of stuff about if/when we reconcile how we'd get married and whatever. It's seriously so great in the moment, but after I picture her hanging up and trying to put on a facade to her live in guy, trying to secure any safety net. Likely she is also on the prowl looking for another person to fill my role, too. I just hate all of this.

[MiserableMostly]

She dumped me after a 3 week pretty intense devaluation phase and immediately started dating someone else. I had no control over anything. If it was up to me we wouldn't have broken up at all. My therapist suggested reaching out to her as well... .if nothing just for her to be mean to me and for me to finally realize that there is nothing good left in that relationship. But I also fear she won't be mean, she'll be reasonable and then I'll just be stuck in a weird headspace with even more questions.

After reading these boards and talking with my therapist I am assured she has BPD. Our story has been repeated time and time again on these boards. Absolutely paint by numbers Borderline. My therapist was the one who initially told me this.

[Ragnar1982]

Also, I'm with Jim on this. I had a hard time with the Nc thing. Too many things I needed to say, and a part of me does want the recycle (sick thought, but true). The LC has made it a little easier on me, even though I'm feeling crappy today. I can assure you it's not as bad as I felt through NC. I used that communication as an opportunity to set boundaries on what I can and can't accept. She says she understands and agrees. Who knows what her motives are, but mine were put out there openly and honestly. Up to you what works best, but just prepare yourself to not get a reply, or a response that you don't want.

[MiserableMostly]

@Ragnar1982 - Yeah, this is textbook manipulation. My therapist suggested that if I talk to my BPDex I should by 100% honest with her. 100% vulnerable. Just tell the truth and lay it all out on the line. Because there's nothing they can do with that. It's not a game, it's not manipulative so they can't throw it back at you. You're just saying exactly what you want and feel and you're in such a position of vulnerability that there's no moves to be made. You may even get an honest reaction out of her at that point (says my therapist).

It sounds to me like you're not being totally honest with your BPDex and you're letting her string you along. I feel like you should tell her exactly how you feel. And that is, "I want to be with you. I love you. This conversations are so important to me. But every time I talk to you it just makes things harder. I can't talk to you anymore unless you come back to me. It's just too difficult to be apart."

I think that's all 100% true. So what will she do when she hears this? Well she'll probably flip out. Because with BPDs you can't ask for anything. So she flips out maybe paints you black and then makes it easier on you by cutting off communication. On the flip side, maybe she'll cave and then give leave her currently guy for you. Then she'll make you miserable for a while before she cheats on you. Either way, you need to be HONEST the whole time. Communicate what you want and need. It's true of any relationship.

[Ragnar1982]

MM: I'm with you. We have had those conversations. I have been honest with her about how I feel, how talking to her makes me feel, and about how I'm letting this new relationship play out because she is not in a position to reciprocate what I need. It's all out there, but I appreciate your observation.

[once removed]

this is a common problem when people enact "strict NC", especially when it doesnt align with what they truly desire.

healing and recovery are not linear, but three months is not a very long time. at three months i was very much in the same place, hoping that my ex would contact me and try to come back to me; if even so i could reject or ignore her. i wanted to reverse the rejection i felt. no contact does nothing to resolve those feelings, though it can give an illusion that it does, until that no longer works.

you have choices here. youve been honest with us, be honest with yourself. what is it that you, MiserableMostly, want to do?

[MiserableMostly]

I've yelled it time and time again and told all my friends so I have no shame in admitting this: The #1 thing I want to do is to move on and have a relationship with someone who is sane and I love. Seeing that I cannot move on the #2 thing I want to do is get back into some twisted relationship with her where I pretend to be safe emotionally by seeing other people at the same time. Essentially, I want another round with her, just armed with the knowledge and expectations I have now.

[Ragnar1982]

MM:  Quick question... .after seeing what you just posted, how much is this love, and how much is this a sexual attraction?  For me, it's definitely both, but I freely admit the sexual attraction is a huge factor for me. It was the best sex of my life, hands down. We both talk about that, and our conversations still tend to somewhat go down that road. Definitely counterproductive on my part, but something I have to be honest about and almost laugh at myself for.

I'm only asking because you mentioned seeing other people while seeing her. What do you get from that scenario?

[once removed]

The #1 thing I want to do is to move on and have a relationship with someone who is sane and I love.

okay. then is it possible youre expecting a bit too much from yourself too soon? ill reiterate, three months is really not a long time.

I think I'm angry now because I expected her to reach out to me at this point. I think I didn't truly let go and was doing everything I could to move on but I always had the thought in the back of my head that her replacement would go away and she'd try to recycle me.

it sounds to me like you are beginning to really grieve the loss. it does tend to feel like taking a step back, and sometimes things feel worse before they get better. i would suggest, big picture, its all progress. grief is complex stuff, and its very natural to have conflicting feelings, anger, etc. and it often involves a certain amount of white knuckling (doing everything we can to move on). thats not a bad thing. a real turning point in my recovery was just giving myself permission to grieve without placing expectations on myself or judgments.

Essentially, I want another round with her, just armed with the knowledge and expectations I have now.

and some of this is the bargaining stage of grieving which is perfectly natural as well. that old conflict between the head and the heart - they take a while to catch up with each other and get on the same page.

if you truly want to rekindle a relationship with her? visit the Improving board. read the lessons. learn what it takes to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. give it a bit of time, reach out casually.

if you want to heal and move on? let yourself grieve. feel your feelings, work through the pain. work toward "releasing with grace". we will be here to help at every step, whatever you decide.

[MiserableMostly]

@Ragnar1982 - Sex is definitely a big part of it. I thought it was the biggest part of it in fact. Actually, I'm gonna go and say it's an exceptionally big part of it. Going on dates and having sex with others has helped tremendously. Has the sex been as good? No not yet. I think with a normal person you don't just dive into incredible sex. You build comfort and trust over time and then it becomes something good. With BPDs it's just like instant good and then it's gone. And then the sex becomes not sex but just validation for you.

The problem is, in order to get over the sex thing, for me, it's not just 'sex' I need. It's consistent sex with someone I care about. And I'm still working on that.

[hopealways]

Sounds like you are being treated like you are invisible.
As though you don't exist.
That's how we felt as children. Invisible.
Which is why you stayed with her.
And replayed this toxic dynamic.
You believe if she reaches out you will become visible, at last.

Pinch yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. When you realize that you are visible despite her, you will have healed.
Hang in there.

[MiserableMostly]

Yes that is exactly how I feel.

In a lot of ways I felt like my BPDex was my mother. I took care of her but she also took care of me. I loved that dynamic.

I talked to my dad about this. When my parents got divorced when I was 11 I was left out of the loop. My older brother would get all the news regarding what was happening and my dad assumed that he would pass the information down to me. Turns out he didn't. And I never knew what was going on. It's possible that that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of knowing or as you put it 'felt invisible.' Maybe my BPD is my mother. And I just want someone to acknowledge me always.

But, this is where I hit a wall with all sorts of therapeutic work. What do I do with this knowledge? How do I heal from knowing this?

[Lucky Jim]

I talked to my dad about this. When my parents got divorced when I was 11 I was left out of the loop. My older brother would get all the news regarding what was happening and my dad assumed that he would pass the information down to me. Turns out he didn't. And I never knew what was going on. It's possible that that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of knowing or as you put it 'felt invisible.' Maybe my BPD is my mother. And I just want someone to acknowledge me always.

Hey MM, Now you're getting to the bottom of your anger.  You are starting to see the pattern, which means you have the ability to change it.  Suggest you keep going with the process of self-examination.

LuckyJim

[Elliesue]

Hi, I'm 5 weeks out of my 10 year relationship. It was full of bitterness, anger and massive invalidation, name calling and shaming. I thought about NC  but haven't done it but have limited contact with him. I really understand the pull they have. On good days I feel like a new person but on other days find myself wanting to hear from him and checking my phone a lot. The other hook is that whilst we were together he very rarely said anything nice or caring while now on a couple of occasions he'd made caring and complimentary statement. I can't get away though from feeling tricked and manipulated and then angry with myself for feeling this way. My counsellor has suggested that I spent most of my childhood 'unheard' by my father so I now look for it from him. Seems he may be on the right track. I'm planning to try to hang in there for a while and see where this goes. Can we move onto be friends? Who knows!