advice appreciated

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I broke up with my ex in June of 2015 and she moved to LA to pursue a career in film. We had many things in the arts in common and that was part of our relationship. I gave it one more chance and moved to LA to be with her and take care of her and get an apartment. That was not a good idea, within months her kids were living with us in an area and set up not designed for children. The agreement was that their father was to raise them for a couple years while we got on our feet. Long story short, I left her my car so she could have income (driving with uber) and I took hers (an suv with worse gas mileage and older). My name is on both and now she can't make payments on either or pay insurance) I can not afford both and she can barely survive. She won't listen to me that she has BPD even though she has admitted it. I don't know if there is a support group in her area (north Hollywood) or what to do. She owes me about $5,000 but I am not counting on getting any of that back. I want to switch cars back but that leaves her without income. I am getting to the point where I just don't care about trying to help her because she thinks Im evil anyways... .I am ready to fly down and just drive my car away and stop this from continuing, she needs to take care of herself but threatens suicide. It's such a mess and I don't even live with her anymore, at least that is helping... .Suggestions?

[northwestguy]

I broke up with my ex in June of 2015 and she moved to LA to pursue a career in film. We had many things in the arts in common and that was part of our relationship. I gave it one more chance and moved to LA to be with her and take care of her and get an apartment. That was not a good idea, within months her kids were living with us in an area and set up not designed for children. The agreement was that their father was to raise them for a couple years while we got on our feet. Long story short, I left her my car so she could have income (driving with uber) and I took hers (an suv with worse gas mileage and older). My name is on both and now she can't make payments on either or pay insurance) I can not afford both and she can barely survive. She won't listen to me that she has BPD even though she has admitted it. I don't know if there is a support group in her area (north Hollywood) or what to do. She owes me about $5,000 but I am not counting on getting any of that back. I want to switch cars back but that leaves her without income. I am getting to the point where I just don't care about trying to help her because she thinks Im evil anyways... .I am ready to fly down and just drive my car away and stop this from continuing, she needs to take care of herself but threatens suicide. It's such a mess and I don't even live with her anymore, at least that is helping... .Suggestions?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Northwestguy,

I’m sorry to hear about your tricky position, it must be very tough for you. It is common for someone with BPD to project blame away, hence most BPD do not accept they have anything that would be considered negative. I know it must be frustrating for you, but it sounds like you have tried hard to get your gf to plug into help. Ironically the way a BPD keeps in denial, is from an inter fantasy, bit like a film.

You may have heard this before, but it bears repeating, we can only change ourselves not other people. This is ever so true with a BPD. If a BPD can get what they want using their normal way of operating. Why change ? So if you can’t reach her, maybe someone else who knows her can ? Her parents maybe.  You mentioned the living scenario wasn’t child friendly, maybe that’s  something you can help with ?

In terms of local help in LA  -  maybe someone else can chime in on this (I'm not from around there), but the first step if for her to accept the diagnosis, or at least that she needs to change in some way.  But is sounds like you also need a bit of support, as this must be harrowing for you.

You should find a lot of helpful advice on this forum, generally speaking the more information you give out, the more advice you get back. You asked for suggestions, so I would suggest considering what you need right now. If you feel things are a mess, that suggest you need help (as well as your gf). But what help would that be ? Are you OK financially or do you need help with the emotions of detaching ? You are on the detaching board, so have you made that decision or do you want to talk it through ?

[ynwa]

Hey Northwest, 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you have come to the right place.  It's not easy dealing with the traits and behaviors of BPD. Like happy said, you will not change her emotional ways.  You are not likewise responsible for them.

If the cars are in your name, then they are yours.  It's not up to you to continue supporting her.  Do you have contact with the father of the children? Perhaps letting him know and that they may need a place to go?

[joeramabeme]

Hi Northwestguy

Welcome to BPD Family

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like you are in a no-win situation, many of us her can relate to that.  pwBPD tend to see things as black and white and as a result cannot find middle of the road solution.

Do you feel responsible for your partner's well being?  We can help others to help themselves but cannot make them do anything.  It sounds as if she had an arrangement with the Fathers children but dismissed that to be close to you? If so, have you been firm with her about your intentions, giving her enough time to prepare or make a decision for her well-being nad that of her children.

Not sure from your post if you are living with her at this point.  Perhaps it would make sense to have a plan for yourself that respects your boundaries and then as best as possible provide enough information to her so that she can plan to take care of her needs as well.

What do you think?

[lovenature]

she needs to take care of herself but threatens suicide

Many members have struggled with the threat of suicide from their PWBPD to keep them attached, she is an adult and her choices are not your responsibility. I know how tough it is to let go when they play the poor victim card, but the only way either of you will get better is to take personal responsibility for one's self.