It is okay to wish them a "Friendly Happy B-day"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Contemplating if I should wish the unBPDex a happy birthday. I don't see any harm in it and yes I was painted black at the end... .Anyone have any experience with this in the past? No intentions of getting back together... . 

[mar356]

Contemplating if I should wish the unBPDex a happy birthday. I don't see any harm in it and yes I was painted black at the end... .Anyone have any experience with this in the past? No intentions of getting back together... . 

[once removed]

nothing wrong in my opinion with wishing an ex a happy birthday.

whats the motive/goal if there is one?

[mar356]

"nothing wrong in my opinion with wishing an ex a happy birthday.

whats the motive/goal if there is one?"

Maybe the possibility of being friends eventually.  I just don't like being on bad terms with people.

[SoMadSoSad]

As long as you have no expectations you should be good. And if you can handle both possibilities (either ignoring you or trying to reengage/being friendly)

[marti644]

I wished my BPD ex a happy birthday by messaging and she told me that I was just trying to hurt her and she never wanted to talk to me again because I was ruining her life (3 days after disappearing, are first and only major recycle). Called me later that night and was super rude asking repeatedly "what's wrong with you etc etc". Made fun of me to her "friends" she was with while on the phone with me (pretty sure they were imaginary and she was sitting at home with her sister). Hangsup after she says she never wants to hear from me again, which I agreed with. Seconds later texts "I don't want things to end like this, let's meet tomorrow and talk this out like adults". Just crazy-making. It's okay to wish a Happy Birthday, but expect it to bring out the psychosis and drama (they enjoy ruining holidays). If you don't want to be with her or be friends don't bother in my opinion. Just causes additional heartache.

Although I must say in the long run the very odd and cold way she acted the next day when we met (saying I was mentally ill but wanting to stay close friends, then showing me a gift from her new boyfriend) actually was the catalyst for full NC.

Roll the dice if you will BPDs are unpredictable, it's been almost two months full NC for me and mine still is trying to add fake social media accounts to see what I am up to (I wasn't unhappy enough at the breakup I think so she is in abandonment mode I think). Usually one every other day. Some of them are pretty well done with veiled references to our relationship and my emotional wants and needs. Masters of emotional manipulation BPDs are. Tread carefully because your heart works properly and theirs doesn't.

[mar356]

"Made fun of me to her "friends" she was with while on the phone with me (pretty sure they were imaginary and she was sitting at home with her sister)."

I suspected they make imaginary people up sometimes as well. Can't really prove it, but I think they might even make up or modify past and future events to confuse the non.

I'm not really expected a response. If I get one great, if not then oh well. Life goes on.

[marti644]

Yes don't expect anything. I was just being a good person and so are you. Can't change their actions we only have control of our own.

Some of these fake accounts and friend stories are pretty intricate and look like she's constructed whole identities and fake friend groups over years of stalking. So sad, she needs help.

[Pretty Woman]

Why do you want to "reach out" to someone who treated you poorly and has not contacted you?

I ask this to play the devil's advocate. I understand you don't like leaving things badly with others but it doesn't sound like you did. Sounds like that was your ex.

Why should it matter what your ex thinks at this point?

From experience no good comes of these transactions. Several things can happen:

1) Positive response (now you have been re-engaged and are subject to torture all over again).
2) You get a negative response which triggers old feelings and sends you back to square one in your process.
3) You receive no response at all (which again gets you thinking, ruminating or regretting you sent a message).

Why is it important you wish your ex a happy birthday? What do you expect to come from it?

[JaxWest]

Why do you want to "reach out" to someone who treated you poorly and has not contacted you?

I ask this to play the devil's advocate. I understand you don't like leaving things badly with others but it doesn't sound like you did. Sounds like that was your ex.

Why should it matter what your ex thinks at this point?

From experience no good comes of these transactions. Several things can happen:

1) Positive response (now you have been re-engaged and are subject to torture all over again).
2) You get a negative response which triggers old feelings and sends you back to square one in your process.
3) You receive no response at all (which again gets you thinking, ruminating or regretting you sent a message).

Why is it important you wish your ex a happy birthday? What do you expect to come from it?

I agree with this response. I wouldn't touch it. I am on good terms with most ex's. One just announced she was pregnant, so I congratulated her. I am friendly to most ex's. The ex BPD though... .not going to happen. I wouldn't reengage them at all.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Jax,
   I too am friendly with almost all my ex's with the exception of this one (BPD ex). In fact, one of my ex's, his wife works for me and I adore her! We didn't work out (her husband and I) but we could communicate like normal adults. We needed time/space after our break but were able to re-establish a friendship because there was genuine care/feelings involved. I have no ill will towards him and he has none towards me. We wish each other all the best in love and happiness. There is no blame on either side. Another ex and I recently met for dinner and had a great time.

The level of irrationality in BPD land is staggering. It makes you feel like you are going crazy. Luckily I've had "normal" relationships and can differenciate. That didn't make this break up any better, but a few years later it is blaringly obvious how toxic our union was. If my BPD ex reached out I would ignore it. I won't ever subject myself to that pain or mistreatment again.

[mar356]

"Why do you want to "reach out" to someone who treated you poorly and has not contacted you?

I ask this to play the devil's advocate. I understand you don't like leaving things badly with others but it doesn't sound like you did. Sounds like that was your ex.

Why should it matter what your ex thinks at this point?

From experience no good comes of these transactions. Several things can happen:

1) Positive response (now you have been re-engaged and are subject to torture all over again).
2) You get a negative response which triggers old feelings and sends you back to square one in your process.
3) You receive no response at all (which again gets you thinking, ruminating or regretting you sent a message).

Why is it important you wish your ex a happy birthday? What do you expect to come from it?"

Maybe I'm over analyzing. I think it would be healthy to give a simple Happy Birthday. I don't think I'm really addicted to them and I only had a 2 month relationship because I saw the writing on the wall.  I'm not hoping to be recycled, just hoping not be painted black.  These people are mentally ill, they suffer everyday.

[bunny4523]

Maybe I'm over analyzing. I think it would be healthy to give a simple Happy Birthday. I don't think I'm really addicted to them and I only had a 2 month relationship because I saw the writing on the wall.  I'm not hoping to be recycled, just hoping not be painted black.  These people are mentally ill, they suffer everyday.

ok and what if you are painted black? then what? Are you going to try and get back on her good side? you know you can't control it and it can change at any moment right... .  regardless of what you do.  It's like trying to get a weeble wobble to lay down. 

I don't see any harm in wishing a happy birthday to an ex.  It's the unhealthy attachment that is concerning with these types of relationships.   You also have to realize she might be better off not hearing from you too. 

I still work with my ex and I can see he struggles from time to time but I think it is BETTER when I don't engage with him.  Casual good morning, business only... .I don't share alot, I don't do anything that might re-spark interest.  I appear very boring and pre-occupied.  In no way rude.  But he needs to believe in his mind that I'm a worthless piece of crap because I know he couldn't handle seeing me in the white and facing the fact that he lost me.  I'm taking one for the team. I'm doing him a favor because it is easier for me to deal with him than it is for him to deal with himself. 

Now if he wished me a happy birthday.  I would smile and say thank you but that's it! 

hugs,
Bunny

[marti644]

But he needs to believe in his mind that I'm a worthless piece of crap because I know he couldn't handle seeing me in the white and facing the fact that he lost me.  I'm taking one for the team. I'm doing him a favor because it is easier for me to deal with him than it is for him to deal with himself. 

Bunny this is so true! I basically let my BPDex think I was a total piece of garbage in the end just to get away from her. The last time we met we spent about an hour going over how mentally ill I was and I didn't argue at all. I acknowledged some of my real flaws and apologized for some of my poor behaviour but ignored her more "interesting" analyses. I took one for the team here. I took one for my team so I could extricate myself from such a psychotic situation. Such a humbling experience but there is often not another way out if that's what you want. They aren't good for you, no-one is good for them (except therapists and strong friends). Best to let them project. It's a fantasy so the further I am away the less I take it personally.

[Circle]

Thanks for starting the thread Mar356. Good thread. I needed it, as I'm foolishly pining for the X.

Great contributions Pretty Woman and Bunny4523. Thanks for enlightening me.

And, I can relate to how my being depicted as 'bad', works. It's a great way to extricate yourself from the situation. It's a wave that you can catch and ride to shore.

Thanks for reminding me. What a pain; gotta check my head.

[Gear Jammer]

I tried it my ex got mad she said don't contact her, today I could careless about her, the farther she is away the better.

[Sadly]

The idea of celebrating the date of your birth is a pagan tradition. In fact, many Christians didn't celebrate birthdays historically, because of that link to paganism. Pagans thought that evil spirits lurked on days of major changes, like the day you turn a year older    , They possibly got that right then.
Sadly x

[JaxWest]

Hi Jax,
   I too am friendly with almost all my ex's with the exception of this one (BPD ex). In fact, one of my ex's, his wife works for me and I adore her! We didn't work out (her husband and I) but we could communicate like normal adults. We needed time/space after our break but were able to re-establish a friendship because there was genuine care/feelings involved. I have no ill will towards him and he has none towards me. We wish each other all the best in love and happiness. There is no blame on either side. Another ex and I recently met for dinner and had a great time.

The level of irrationality in BPD land is staggering. It makes you feel like you are going crazy. Luckily I've had "normal" relationships and can differenciate. That didn't make this break up any better, but a few years later it is blaringly obvious how toxic our union was. If my BPD ex reached out I would ignore it. I won't ever subject myself to that pain or mistreatment again.

I can be a forgiving person, so that is why I am friends with most of my ex's. Except, most of the females I have been with have been the overly sweet/sincere type, so that makes it easier too. One weird thing is that I reconnected with an ex (not BPD) that actually cheated on me, which led the relationship to end.  I had not talked to her for a year and a half, but I forgave her and have moved past it to the point that I feel like we can be friends or on friendly terms. I did mention this female to her, so it was kind of weird and oddly helpful to have somebody that I have been intimate with before give me feedback on myself. Never saw that coming.

[JaxWest]

ok and what if you are painted black? then what? Are you going to try and get back on her good side? you know you can't control it and it can change at any moment right... .  regardless of what you do.  It's like trying to get a weeble wobble to lay down. 

I don't see any harm in wishing a happy birthday to an ex.  It's the unhealthy attachment that is concerning with these types of relationships.   You also have to realize she might be better off not hearing from you too. 

I still work with my ex and I can see he struggles from time to time but I think it is BETTER when I don't engage with him.  Casual good morning, business only... .I don't share alot, I don't do anything that might re-spark interest.  I appear very boring and pre-occupied.  In no way rude.  But he needs to believe in his mind that I'm a worthless piece of crap because I know he couldn't handle seeing me in the white and facing the fact that he lost me.  I'm taking one for the team. I'm doing him a favor because it is easier for me to deal with him than it is for him to deal with himself. 

Now if he wished me a happy birthday.  I would smile and say thank you but that's it! 

hugs,
Bunny

Agree. She is going to paint you black regardless. If she doesn't, what benefit is there to reconnect? I think you are better off just ignore her and letting her live her life and live your own.

[Skip]

Maybe I'm over analyzing. I think it would be healthy to give a simple Happy Birthday. I don't think I'm really addicted to them and I only had a 2 month relationship because I saw the writing on the wall.  I'm not hoping to be recycled, just hoping not be painted black.  These people are mentally ill, they suffer everyday.

Let's take this out of a "BPD realm" and just discuss this as a short relationship that broke up recently with you being told off at the end... .

Sending a birthday or Easter card/gift/text after a breakup is most commonly a way to "test the water" of interest in:
  
  "getting back together",
  "being distant friends", or
  encouraging a "I liked you, sorry it didn't work, but I really think you are OK".

This is an interesting social study:
The exchange of birthday cards has the potential to be a tool for social solidarity in that it helps connect people and generations, confront various gender issues, and provide a medium through which people can communicate feelings and sentiment that they find difficult to express in person. Unfortunately, every purchase of a card holds with it the threat of failure because of poor recognition of unspoken expectations or the inability to meet the personal desires of the recipient. Those receiving birthday cards are not necessarily forgiving, and those giving the card are often venturing into a potentially disastrous situation without being adequately prepared.
https://goo.gl/Ig2muA

So, in short, sending the card is about maintaining some level of connection. The risk is threefold (1) that your intended message is received AND (2) it is desired AND (3) the card connects. If the the receiver interprets the message as one they are not interested in, or is not interested in any of the above, or the card seems too close or too far, then the sentiment will be rejected.

Now let's add "BPD traits" to this equation - a person who struggles with black and white thinking - doesn't deal well with ambiguity... .

Sending a card is about connecting... .how do you want to connect? Do you think you can create something that can hit its mark?

[Pretty Woman]

Mar, you mention you just are hoping not to be painted black. Unfortunately, that is not something you have any control over.

IF you are painted black you are a threat to your ex and they will treat you as such.

There is no negotiating with an emotional terrorist. No matter what you say or do, you are bad to them and they will treat you as such. The more you attempt to convince the more you "confirm" the lies they have created in your head and could very well have told others. Things such as that you are a "stalker" and can't get over them.

You don't owe this person anything but you do owe yourself care. Don't stick your head in the lion's mouth. It can go a few ways but we all know the high probability of what may happen.

[mar356]

"Mar, you mention you just are hoping not to be painted black. Unfortunately, that is not something you have any control over.

IF you are painted black you are a threat to your ex and they will treat you as such.

There is no negotiating with an emotional terrorist. No matter what you say or do, you are bad to them and they will treat you as such. The more you attempt to convince the more you "confirm" the lies they have created in your head and could very well have told others. Things such as that you are a "stalker" and can't get over them.

You don't owe this person anything but you do owe yourself care. Don't stick your head in the lion's mouth. It can go a few ways but we all know the high probability of what may happen."

I get what you're saying. I think it could go either way to be honest, good or bad. I'll see how it goes. I'm not looking to be sucked back in either.

[zeus123]

If you are still obsessed about your BPDex and trying to see if you should wish happy birthday or not. Maybe first you should look at yourself and try to seek help to fully recover from the BPD toxicity. Because obviously you haven't recovered yet and that's why you still thinking about someone who turned your world upside down and inside out.
Remember folks BPD's and NON's are two faces of the same coin. Both incurred core trauma in childhood but the outcome had played out differently. We are attracted to people who much our own level of emotional development. BPD and NON share the same vibration/frequency that's why at the beginning the relationship(idealization phase) seemed like match made in heaven.

You don't need to contact your ex to wish her happy birthday and you don't have to stay friend with her. You only need to recover and heal your inner core so you won't be attracted to another BPD again.

The difference between a lab rat and a human is that the rat don't go back to the same maze that it found no nourishment in it, human do.
Stay away from her and leave her alone.

[hotncold]

"nothing wrong in my opinion with wishing an ex a happy birthday.

whats the motive/goal if there is one?"

Maybe the possibility of being friends eventually.  I just don't like being on bad terms with people.

I tried it. He re-engaged and wanted to have an affair since the replacement was away    then he felt rejected when I refused and got angry and started sending angry texts. Can't really be friends with that. I think if they're BPD the only way to be friends is to have a very superficial friendship. The problem is if you are exes and know him intimately, it's really tough to go back to something very surface.

[JaxWest]

The more you attempt to convince the more you "confirm" the lies they have created in your head and could very well have told others. Things such as that you are a "stalker" and can't get over them.

Very well said! They project things. She may be stalking you, but if you wish her a happy birthday, she very well may accuse you of this. People that have not been in these sort of relationships do not get it. These endings do not work the same. Instead of the relationship ending with, maybe I could have done this or that, you are left wondering what the heck happened.

After my break up with the ex, I started getting weird phone calls at 2:00 am. I moved to that city, so I had a different area code and had only given my number out to a handful of people. I know who it was that was calling me. I asked my friends/coworkers if they had given my number out to anybody, but the BPD had done the damage and they did not think the BPD would have been capable of doing something like this. It isn't worth reaching out to her. Just ignore her.

[Skip]

It's important that we don't project our experiences onto others.

We are here to help mar356 weigh his options and its important to understand his experience and desires.

Sending cards and gifts after a breakup with anyone is a complex topic, mar356 understands that.

90% of members have successfully "recycled" and cards, texts, telephone calls are the common catalysts. There are also many stories of dissatisfying post break-up communications. And some people resolve the breakup tension... .

[JaxWest]

True... .every situation is different.


Simply put... .make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do not sacrifice that. If you are taking care of yourself and can reach out to her, there may be no negatives. Just be skeptical of her response though.

[bunny4523]

You don't need to contact your ex to wish her happy birthday and you don't have to stay friend with her. You only need to recover and heal your inner core so you won't be attracted to another BPD again.

This is very true and important to remember. Very simple put, thank you.

[mar356]

Thank you for all the insight and replys!

[Indifferent28]

I wouldn't.  Just don't. Do it for yourself.

This will be the first year in about 8 of me not reaching out to mine and wishing her a quick happy bday.

[gjkopriv]

I know earlier in this post I read a comment about faking like she was with friends... .My Ex would always do that, she would tell me that professional athletes from years before she even knew me still always contacted her and wanted to be with her along with another local celebrity who she was best friends but somehow never contacted her when we were together... .I would say most of everything she ever told me was made up, that maybe because she was a successful person she met these people and dreamed up a relationship about all these others... .