Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Rockmehp]

Hi. This is my first post. I haven't read through all the rules of this site yet but I will. I wanted to put my story out first I guess.
I see my mother as having BPD, but I don't see it going way back to when I was a kid. My wife does, she has known my mother since she was 16. She says I used to be able to turn away from guilt trip and rage. Let it roll off my back and ignore or placate my mothers behaviour. But, nearly five years ago my son was born. And I have another on the way. Five years ago when my boy was born my mother was addicted to OxyContin, falling asleep on the toilet while smoking. We quickly had to address why she couldn't babysit the new born. That didn't go well. She's catholic and I grew away from religion altogether. So we didn't baptize. My sons first Christmas, my mother wanted to go to church as a family. My wife had to work but was going to come over after the mass. While we were at the church my mother asked me to follow her with my son and she puts holy water over his forehead. I frowned but didn't say anything. After church my mother gathers my wife and another person we didn't know from her church and tells my wife that she put holy water on my sons head so now he won't burn in hell if he died. My wife had said nothing. But the next day I wrote and email that said what she did and said was inappropriate. What shortly followed was an email saying she was going to end her life. I rushed over and she left in her vehicle. 911, and a low speed chase, I watched as six cop cars swarmed her vehicle in a parking lot. No charges laid.
This is the point where everything between her and I changed. It became clear that guilt was a weapon she liked using. The suicide threat was something she used to pull people back around her. She used it one more time about a year later. My frustration with her could lead to my own angry outbursts, talking with her seemed futile. This is the proverbial rock.
I would have walked away. I know I tried everything, I put in effort and then some. Her sister, my aunt, has struggled dealing with her in the past too. She was the one that asked me what I know about BPD. I knew nothing. I knew my mother had seen many therapists and professionals. She fights depression. Apparently bipolar, anxiety issues. Has a buffet of medication each day. But when I read the nine criteria it was all her.
What's the hard place? Almost four years ago my father, still married to my mother, develops rather aggressive Alzheimer's/dementia. She holds having a relationship with him hostage. I have to have one with her in order to have one with him. I would have walked away so many times, but he is what keeps me at the table like a bad gambler. He is slipping fast and while my mother constantly tries to push how much I'll regret not seeing him (and I do still from time to time), I see more resentment building towards her.
I've been to a therapist with my mother once. My mother gave up after the first session and I went for the second alone. The therapist mentioned she most likely had BPD but was reluctant to offer any advice on my situation. I know things are not likely to happen quickly.
Picture a room, in it both the person you want to see the most, and one you never want to see again. Each of them has a timer for when they will leave the room never to be seen again. You can't see the clocks. But it's counting much faster for the one you want to see. That's how I view my situation, I don't think I'm too far off from reality either. I'm panicking.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 
Welcome Rockmehp:   
I'm so sorry about what's going on with your mom and your dad's aggressive Alzheimer's/dementia.   I know it is hard to predict, but do you know the prognosis for your dad?  Sometimes, people get to a point where family needs  help with providing daily care.  Sometimes paid caregivers come to the home to help and sometimes the family member is placed in a care facility.  Has there been any forward thinking in that regard?  Care giving can be very stressful.  I'm thinking that it is likely a challenge for a person with BPD (pwBPD).

What's the hard place? Almost four years ago my father, still married to my mother, develops rather aggressive Alzheimer's/dementia. She holds having a relationship with him hostage. I have to have one with her in order to have one with him. I would have walked away so many times, but he is what keeps me at the table like a bad gambler. He is slipping fast and while my mother constantly tries to push how much I'll regret not seeing him (and I do still from time to time), I see more resentment building towards her.

I can understand how you have resentment towards your mom.  In what ways does she hold you hostage in order for you to continue a relationship with your dad?

Are there windows of time, during which you mom has to leave the house, when you can be alone with your dad?

I would have walked away. I know I tried everything, I put in effort and then some. Her sister, my aunt, has struggled dealing with her in the past too. She was the one that asked me what I know about BPD. I knew nothing. I knew my mother had seen many therapists and professionals. She fights depression. Apparently bipolar, anxiety issues. Has a buffet of medication each day. But when I read the nine criteria it was all her.

BPD generally doesn't stand alone.  One would hope that if depression and anxiety can be managed successfully, that the BPD behavior could be tamed.  When it comes to depression and anxiety, some people are more successful with meds than others.

You don't have any control over your mom's behavior.  The only thing you have control over is yourself and the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her.  Setting whatever BOUNDARIES possible, and using certain COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS, can make a difference.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS is a good strategy to follow. THE KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE  workshop can help you learn about healthy triangles, versus unhealthy ones. Avoiding arguments and not reacting with emotions, can be a beneficial strategy on your part.

The green words above contain links to lessons.  Don't let the lessons overwhelm you.  Take one at a time.  Some people like to come back to their posts to validate their understanding and to practice some skills.  Are there some possible boundaries you can set with your mom?  Maybe in regard to shutting down arguments or deferring conversations when she is raging?

In addition to feeling like you mom holds you hostage, in regard to your dad, what are some other disturbing behaviors that your mom exhibits?

[Rockmehp]

   I know it is hard to predict, but do you know the prognosis for your dad?  Sometimes, people get to a point where family needs  help with providing daily care.  Sometimes paid caregivers come to the home to help and sometimes the family member is placed in a care facility.  Has there been any forward thinking in that regard?  Care giving can be very stressful.  I'm thinking that it is likely a challenge for a person with BPD

Well as far as my dads condition it's hard for me to gauge. What I hear from my mother is always dramatically terrible. For a while he would repeat stories through a conversation but I have noticed things actually worsening. He couldn't recognize his sister for nearly an entire day and just last weekend mistook another kid for my son. While it seems like maybe its plateaued a little it came in quite fast. A facility cares for him three days a week but not over night( I think). I know it's quite something that she cares for him. The BPD makes every situation challenging. What I see is it causes her to not see she still has, but what she has lost. I find she emphasizes the care she needs more than his. The two of them are not on the same sleep schedule either and see each other about 6 hours a day living in the same house. My dad is up at 6 am going to bed at 6-7pm and wakes about 12-1pm (unless there is an appointment) and will go to bed around 2-6 am.
 

I can understand how you have resentment towards your mom.  In what ways does she hold you hostage in order for you to continue a relationship with your dad?

Are there windows of time, during which you mom has to leave the house, when you can be alone with your dad?

In addition to feeling like you mom holds you hostage, in regard to your dad, what are some other disturbing behaviors that your mom exhibits?

The hostage holding is a circlur event. She will say she want my dad and I to be close and that she would never stand in the way of that. So I visit or take my dad out for coffee or a meal. Then either near the end of the visit or email in a days time she wants all issues to go away, "why can't I just have my son back?" Attempting to layout boundaries she gets angry, I should love her unconditionally. Then it turns to you'll never see him again he doesn't want to see you either. And she can get him to say that. A year maybe two ago, one of her attempts to get me to put my anger and frustration away was to tell me that my father had cheated on her when I was about three. It was only once and my mother didn't find out till I was five. They reconciled and kept it from me till my early thirties. Knowing this put a new light on my dad and many things from my past. My dad was always extremly devoted to my mother. But he would cave and give in to anything she wanted. He stands behind her 100%. His Alzheimer's stops him from being able to follow the issues between my mother and I, and he tends to avoid the arguement. If she is angry with me he will not want to visit. She will use that.
If she is out of the house he may not want to see me, he wants to be fair to her. He feels that he shouldn't be able to see his grandson if she can't. 

She lies, guilts but the rages are the worst. She has lost it on my wife. She blames my wife for all the problems. She has made comments that our family would be better off without my wife. She has paranoid fantasies, like we are hiding the sex of our current pregnancy from her because we know she wants a granddaughter. We hopefully find out tomorrow. No matter how we tell her we don't know she doesn't believe us. She denies events like the second time she threatened to kill herself (this was what drove me over the edge and a huge problem I have with her). Her exact words over the phone to me were "I can't take life without hope, when you get back from your holiday I will be dead" she says she meant dead inside and she never threatened to take her life. She frequently uses absolute statements "I always," "you never."
I would honestly just cut her out of my life if that didn't mean cutting my dad out too.

Anyway thank you as well for responding I will look into those links right away.