Like the Shawshank Redemption...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm now about six weeks post-divorce.  My kids are doing better than ever... .they are so very happy, they are more communicative than ever, I feel like I am doing a very good job of meeting their emotional needs now that mom is off running with her new boyfriend.  My kids have been with my family a lot more now and those relationships are now able to blossom in the manner that they always should have, without BPD guilt and suspicion and anger and cold-shouldering sabotaging the relationships and putting my children under horrible stress whenever family members were around (occasional soccer games, band concerts, dance recitals, holidays were the only time family came because they didn't want the kids to suffer from mom's behaviors).  My family understood what my children were experiencing because they watched me experience it for almost seventeen years.  We were horribly alienated from each other to protect ourselves from her awful behavior.

Today I described in another thread for a person starting his divorce what it felt like after divorcing her.

In looking back at the last six weeks, I feel like Red from the Shawshank Redemption when he was let out of prison.  I feel like I walked out and got on a bus to a halfway house (my new rental home LOL) after a very long horrible experience... .I feel like there is so much hope although I am nervous about things sometimes.  I am finally able to deal with all that happened from a position of relative strength.  I'm truly seeing my value for the first time ever... .not that I lacked confidence, but I didn't look at myself positively enough and I didn't love myself enough to set proper boundaries.  I'll never do that again.

There is a lot of good here.  I've beaten a major medical problem this year and I think when the dust settles I just might push the throttle forward to greater successes than I thought possible.  I'm so excited to see my children happy and growing with me.  Good stuff starting to happen.

For those people who are scared to start or worried about the what-ifs or mired in court... .there is a finish line and it will get better.

[Torched]

I'm now about six weeks post-divorce.  My kids are doing better than ever... .they are so very happy, they are more communicative than ever, I feel like I am doing a very good job of meeting their emotional needs now that mom is off running with her new boyfriend.  My kids have been with my family a lot more now and those relationships are now able to blossom in the manner that they always should have, without BPD guilt and suspicion and anger and cold-shouldering sabotaging the relationships and putting my children under horrible stress whenever family members were around (occasional soccer games, band concerts, dance recitals, holidays were the only time family came because they didn't want the kids to suffer from mom's behaviors).  My family understood what my children were experiencing because they watched me experience it for almost seventeen years.  We were horribly alienated from each other to protect ourselves from her awful behavior.

Today I described in another thread for a person starting his divorce what it felt like after divorcing her.

In looking back at the last six weeks, I feel like Red from the Shawshank Redemption when he was let out of prison.  I feel like I walked out and got on a bus to a halfway house (my new rental home LOL) after a very long horrible experience... .I feel like there is so much hope although I am nervous about things sometimes.  I am finally able to deal with all that happened from a position of relative strength.  I'm truly seeing my value for the first time ever... .not that I lacked confidence, but I didn't look at myself positively enough and I didn't love myself enough to set proper boundaries.  I'll never do that again.

There is a lot of good here.  I've beaten a major medical problem this year and I think when the dust settles I just might push the throttle forward to greater successes than I thought possible.  I'm so excited to see my children happy and growing with me.  Good stuff starting to happen.

For those people who are scared to start or worried about the what-ifs or mired in court... .there is a finish line and it will get better.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm truly seeing my value for the first time ever... .not that I lacked confidence, but I didn't look at myself positively enough and I didn't love myself enough to set proper boundaries.  I'll never do that again.

Hey Torched, Nicely said and very encouraging.  I think a big part of my recovery post-BPD divorce has been learning to love and accept myself again, just the way I am.  Now I care too much about myself to ever again be the object of someone's abuse.  As you suggest, one gets a lot stronger after going through the BPD wringer.  A lot of people on the site fear the unknown, i.e., life without one's BPD SO, yet in my view the unknown is also where greater happiness is found.  Sounds like you are on the right track for you.

LuckyJim

[abused by bpd]

CONGRATULATIONS! Torched,
What a great analogy! I have watched the movie several times. I am two years freed, from a 24 year BPD/npd/aspd marriage. Absolutely 100% truth in all your statements. I rarely post here anymore. It seems as though so many people are stuck in the endless loop of the evil BPD web. I know how that goes. Was stuck in it too. For 24 years, with two daughters. My daughters are adults now, 23 and 21. It took quite a while for them to recover and get they're lives turned around. It took me about 1 year, post divorce, to get to where you are at.
I hope your post gets read by everyone on this site. The only way to recover from a failed BPD relationship and move forward in life, is to end it once and for all. Never look back and learn to love yourself again.
You are NOT torched anymore.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for this!

It is great to hear positive stories like yours. After almost 20 years together, I kicked ex out last year and things have improved so much. The kids and I still have a long way to go but we are slowly beginning to come out from under the cloud of their dad.

I am so happy for you Torched.

[Sadly]

I LOVE THIS.
Thank you, how very proud of yourself you should be. 
Love from
Sadly xx

[heartandwhole]

Such a hopeful post, Torched, thank you for sharing.   I'm really glad to hear about your kids' happiness and your beating a health issue and feeling hopeful about the future.

Seventeen years is a long time. What strength you must have to be able to start over. What helped the most to get through this time?

heartandwhole

[Torched]

Such a hopeful post, Torched, thank you for sharing.   I'm really glad to hear about your kids' happiness and your beating a health issue and feeling hopeful about the future.

Seventeen years is a long time. What strength you must have to be able to start over. What helped the most to get through this time?

heartandwhole

People made all the difference but in the end my decision was a scary leap of faith.  My family, and a small handful of caring people from my past who came out of the woodwork when they heard I had made the choice to divorce were key.  They had kept their mouths shut for years while observing things and "seeing" what was really wrong.  One was my high school football coach.  The other day I texted him to say thanks because his support and frequent check-ins on me were so important and he just said "You've always been like a son to me."

I would tell people in the same moment of indecision that while most people won't understand your reasoning and most won't believe you, a few very important ones will and it may surprise you.

I also told my acquaintances and friends right off the bat that I was going to divorce and they would likely hear some unflattering things from my spouse.  I told them all that regardless of what they heard, I was indeed the man who they thought they knew and I would appreciate them all taking that into account when faced with this as their friendship and understanding would be important to me.  I think that really helped as I never felt uncomfortable around these people and they welcomed me just as before.

[roberto516]

Much like Shawshank. We all had to (have to) crawl through a tunnel of you know what to come out clean on the other side