Didn't respond and struggling with guilt :(

[heartandmind]

Hi all 

Earlier this year I confronted my ex wBPD about her recent but repeated behaviors towards me. Long story short, we had been broken up with the intention of getting back together at some point in the future as she had many things to work through.

Over the course of nine months after the breakup she had invited me out to dinner then disappeared when I tried to make the plan, months later told me we would talk again soon but then I never heard from her, and most recently contacted me in the middle of the night to tell me that she knew my birthday was in a few days only to contact me back once the following day and disappear again.

As you could imagine, these behaviors leave me feeling very hurt and, ironically enough, abandoned myself. Many things swirl around in my head: is she doing this to hurt me? Does she just want the reassurance that I am still there for her but then jets once she knows that I am? Of course, that would be rather selfish to leave me in the dark as soon as she got what *she* wanted.

Due to this, I contacted her about two months ago to ask her about her intentions. I was as kind as could absolutely be but told her that I feel baited and wondered if her intentions were sinister. She wrote back and assured me that she meant nothing sinister by her actions, she just doesn't always think before she acts and she hoped that I have been well.

Well, I didn't really even understand what that response particularly meant and felt that it was rather cheap after my very long and emotionally feeling inquiry to her. Due to this, I did not respond. I didn't even know if her response warranted a response, or if she even expected one, but it was the first time that I never responded to her in a year and a half.

Two months later, I feel very guilty. She is someone that I dream of getting back with in the future when things have settled down and am afraid that she will take my non-response as abandonment and let go of all notions that we had of getting back together some other time. The reality is, I will always, always, always be here for her and really am struggling with even the concept of her thinking that I no longer may be after this.

Though I am happy that I set a boundary and stood my ground, it leaves me terribly worried that she will push back even more and maybe this time for good. It is also possible that I am overthinking this (I definitely tend to!)

I don't really know specifically what I'm asking, but any feedback or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated  Thank you 

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[cubicinch]

If it's any consolation I think most of us on here would be going through similar thoughts, at some stage. I think most of us are here because we are caring types and are seeking the answers as to why? Being these types we find it hard to come to terms with. We feel your pain we really do. I wish mine would sort herself out and we'd be back in that early idealization stage, but sadly I know that can't happen.

If you do ever get in contact with this person again, they need to accept that how they are treating you is both wrong and not healthy and normal. Take care.

[gotbushels]

Hi heartandmind 

Well, you're not alone with feeling guilty about how things go regarding separation, that's for sure! 

Based on what you've shared, I'd like to offer you some hope and encouragement.

... .only to contact me back once the following day and disappear again.

As you could imagine, these behaviors leave me feeling very hurt and, ironically enough, abandoned myself.

I can see roughly how this can follow, and I do think it makes sense--but could you embellish more on why you felt very hurt and abandoned? These are quite strong feelings to have based on the history of your situation that you've described.

Well, I didn't really even understand what that response particularly meant and felt that it was rather cheap after my very long and emotionally feeling inquiry to her. Due to this, I did not respond.

I'm not saying a lack of response is wrong--I'm just curious as to why you chose not to respond. I do think that sometimes not responding to certain things can be a good idea.

Two months later, I feel very guilty. ... .The reality is, I will always, always, always be here for her and really am struggling with even the concept of her thinking that I no longer may be after this.

^ this can be a great focal point for you.

Though I am happy that I set a boundary and stood my ground, it leaves me terribly worried that she will push back even more and maybe this time for good. It is also possible that I am overthinking this (I definitely tend to!)

Well done on setting that boundary and standing your ground. Boundaries were one of the hardest for me to enforce.

I think this boundary is hard for both your partner and you. Many boundaries seemed to feel this way for me.

I think with new boundaries, you'll always feel that uncertainty of whether what you're doing is right or wrong. It's a new thing, so feeling uncertain is normal. It breaks a pattern that worked for you in the past, so there's even more uncertainty. You may have a highly reactive partner, so that's even more uncertainty. It helps to really notice that this uncertainty is expected. Know that it's sometimes a natural product of setting limits.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Does she just want the reassurance that I am still there for her but then jets once she knows that I am? Of course, that would be rather selfish to leave me in the dark as soon as she got what *she* wanted.

A lot of pwBPD do this, so it certainly could be the case here.

Due to this, I contacted her about two months ago to ask her about her intentions. I was as kind as could absolutely be but told her that I feel baited and wondered if her intentions were sinister. She wrote back and assured me that she meant nothing sinister by her actions, she just doesn't always think before she acts and she hoped that I have been well.

Not sure if you actually used the word "sinister" in your communication with her? I take your meaning, but perhaps a more productive phrasing in a situation like this is to ask the pwBPD what their intentions are. An open-ended question rather than a yes/no -- that way, _they have to actually say one way or another_. Perhaps her intentions are to work on her issues during this hiatus from the relationship in order for the two of you to come back together. But maybe she doesn't have those intentions - perhaps for her, the relationship is capital-O over, and she's just reaching out occasionally to make sure she has a backup source of supply - again, something a lot of pwBPD do.

Well, I didn't really even understand what that response particularly meant and felt that it was rather cheap after my very long and emotionally feeling inquiry to her.

Trust your spidey senses. If you're not getting as good as you're giving (in terms of things like emotional availability, etc), that tells you something.



It sounds like it's been a very long time since the breakup - you reference 'nine months' in the post above, so at least that long, and from the wording, even longer. Have you put your own life on 'hold' as it were? A year is a long time to spend investing/ed emotionally in someone we've broken up with in the hopes that the relationship will resume someday. Closure can be exceedingly difficult in relationships with pwBPD, and Nons can get stuck for years in a weird limbo where they haven't accepted the ending (which of course means not processing and moving beyond it)-- a rut exacerbated by many pwBPD's tendency to drop crumbs periodically to keep the Non at the table, so to speak. These situations are ironic, since even post-breakup the pwBPD remains the focal point of our lives/the main figure of our energy expenditure, etc (just as they were during the relationship), rather than ourselves/whoever is out there waiting to meet us and love and be loved in a healthy way. Just my two cents.