When does standing up for yourself become triggering for them?

[wonderingwonder]

Hi! I've been on these forums for quite some time but had a question of my own that I'd be interested in fielding some opinions on.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD when we were together. It included the whole push/pull intensity with zero stability and a bunch of running away, but a whole lot of love between us both, even still.

I have read many times over that pwBPD seek strong partners, and I completely understand why (she would often tell me to stop worrying about what she wanted/needed and worry about myself more). Frequently floundering, they need a rock.

My question below is mimicking one of the questions on the board now (oh, how truly similar our stories always are), but I have an entirely different question.

Recently (it's been quite a while since our breakup, but we maintain rather infrequent contact) I inquired about why my ex treats me a certain way and she gave what I deemed an insufficient response laden with excuses and unclarity. Quite simply, it was a nonsense. Due to this, I didn't respond to her apology, though I'm not even sure a response was required. She didn't inquisitively ask for my forgiveness, she simply gave an apology, and I didn't even know if that needed anything back.

I suppose my question is rather simple. I did not respond because I feel that she was giving a really poor reason for her behavior, and even more so a cheap excuse to treat me the way that she does. I feel that this is me standing up for myself, but when does this cross over into being triggering for her fear of abandonment?

For example, to not trigger her, I could have responded and said something similar to "it's okay," but it's simply not. In essence, by writing back like that I would also become a weak partner and a doormat cowering to her excuses and faulty logic. By refusing to accept such excuses, I am strong, standing my ground, but could it ever be read as abandonment?

She knows just how much I love her (a lot, a lot, a lot!) and have stood by her for the past relentless two years without flinching, but sometimes I fear her irrationality will get the best.

Do they ever turn around months or years later apologizing for their behavior even after you left (I didn't leave, I'm just wondering!)

Inquiring minds! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'll answer this part first:

Do they ever turn around months or years later apologizing for their behavior even after you left (I didn't leave, I'm just wondering!)

My dBPDexw contacted me after 10 years of NC and apologized for her actions when we were married. Even though it was all ancient history, it was very validating to hear it after all these years.

Now, on to your real question(s):

I feel that this is me standing up for myself, but when does this cross over into being triggering for her fear of abandonment?

... .//... .

By refusing to accept such excuses, I am strong, standing my ground, but could it ever be read as abandonment?

Yes, it could be read as abandonment depending on how it's been presented, her emotional state at the moment, and (perhaps most importantly) how you handle the situation.

Using communication tools like S.E.T./D.E.A.R.M.A.N./P.U.V.A.S and validating the nugget of truth that you can find in what she said will get you much further than not responding because you didn't like/believe what she said.

[livednlearned]

Hi wonderingwonder,

It takes a lot of humility and courage to be vulnerable -- to ask forgiveness or to apologize for bad behavior. There are non-BPD people who struggle to do this. I can see how it would be doubly hard for someone with BPD to offer an apology, especially if they feel bewildered by their own behavior.

A person with BPD may not fully know who they are because inside their sense of self is experienced in fragments and powerful shifts in moods. If you ask her a vulnerable question when she is regulated, she might struggle to understand much less explain what happened (and why) during a time when she was in crisis or in a dysregulation.

It's also possible that she perceives your question as a mixture of neediness and blame. My T always said to phrase questions as "how come" instead of "why" because the former is less accusatory and less likely to trigger defensiveness. Even something that simply could alter the way your ex responds.

She may also feel bad about the way she treated you and that alone makes her afraid to engage further. Feeling bad about feeling bad is its own thing!

Depending on her specific symptoms, she may also have fears of engulfment and sees your question through that lens.

In other words, it's complicated