Sigh. Angry again.

[isilme]

So, I put H's breakfast together each morning.  I try to put in his bag some things he can eat at work.  Most days, it's oatmeal and a bottle of milk.  Sometimes he wants fruit.  Sometimes he wants other things.  I try to get it together, I am not a morning person and it's hard for me to concentrate most days, but if I allow him to do it, we are late(er than usual).  I know I could "set a boundary" about him making his own breakfast, but then I'd be even later to work.  We only have one parking permit as they are pricey and work in the same complex of buildings.  

Yesterday, H was eating a breakfast pastry as a snack and we had gotten some breakfast sausages by mistake from a food delivery service.  I had not even looked at the sausages except to note it was NOT what I ordered, make a mental note to see if we lots a lot of money on the misdelivery before contacting them, and so when H said, "you should put one of these in my breakfast" I somehow thought he meant the pastry... .not the sausages.  So I packed a pastry this morning with an apple, oatmeal, granola bars and some milk, and we rushed off to work.

I get a message on the messenger we use stating how he was confused, I said, sorry, and quickly explained how I got confused, and then got called away from my desk to a surprise birthday breakfast my office had set up for me.  I took my phone in my pocket, and since it never pinged me that he responded, I thought all was okay.  Turns out he was messaging me (BPD obsessively) the whole time and assuming I was ignoring him.  It's never - "she's not got her phone, it's not connecting, she's in a meeting,"  It's always that I am intentionally ignoring him to be mean.  So I get back to my desk, to get a call on my line yelling at me for ignoring him, telling me he's taking the car to go to lunch alone, see how I like it, etc.  I explained I got not messages, and even showed him screenshots of my phone with no notifications, but that was dismissed as "convenient".

Of course he is not listening, he is acting out of feeling abandoned and ignored, he has no on in his office to make him behave less angry (when someone else is there he won't call me like that, and their presence makes him remember to behave better).  He is threatening to "ignore me and leave me alone at my birthday tomorrow" because his goal is always "see how it feels!  As if he doesn't already dot things that make it clear how that feels, and I do my best to simply not accept hurt from them.

 So I am on tenterhooks waiting to see what 11:30 or noon brings, tired, and my nice morning has been effectively ruined, because while I can logically try to dismiss this as just a BPD episode, and try to let some of it go after I write it out and know there will be some eventual resolution, my morning has now been ruined, because it will take me some time to sort myself out as I try to keep it together in front of my office.  

I HATE this.  A simple mistake becomes a huge deal.  I'm so tired of accusations of "never" listening.  That's all I do!  I listen.  I valdiate.  Even the best listening can be misunderstood.  Listening does not mean perfection in execustion.  :)amn it.  I'm tired.  He brought up an incident from almost 15-17 YEARS ago, where I got upset and snapped at him about toothpaste.  He claims I did it in front of a large amount of people.  I remember it.  It was rude of me, but he had been picking at me and I snapped.  And it was in a hotel room, in front of a small number of guys.  And he just started in on it two nights back.  WTH.  I've moved apst so much, and he's still stuck on toothpaste.  

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[infjEpic]

At first, I thought you were writing about your son.
Is he your husband?

You mentioned an incident from 15-17 years ago - I presume you must already have advanced self care methods or behavioural techniques so I'll spare you the recommendations, I'd imagine it would be patronising.

But I wanted to ask why you do think they may have stopped working now?
Or what has changed?

[isilme]

With BPD, husband and son, caretaker and dependent sadly roles can be blurred.

Yes, husband.  Nothing has changed.  I only found out about BPD about 10 years ago.  Things improve here and there, but the BPD is always going to be there.  He will always have days where he freaks out.  No matter how well the tools are used (and I admit that it's always a work in progress for me) the BPD is not going away.  So we may have longer periods between rages (used to be daily a long time ago), and they may last shorter periods, with less time of the silent treatment punishment.  But it will still happen.  Today, it happened. 

He hates going to work.  He passively aggressively resists going by making us late.  It's not such a big deal for me to be 15 minutes or less late.  Lots of people are still walking into my building for the day.  But I don't like being any later than that, so I took on making breakfast for us.  For a while, it was veggie shakes, now it's mostly quick stuff you can eat at your desk - he wasn't drinking the shakes so it was a waste of time and money.  I get up, do the first part of bathroom stuff, get dressed, and while he's in the bathroom, I go pack breakfast(s).  The I can get back in the bathroom for make up and some hair stuff, and by then he is usually ready to go. 

I do not mind doing it.  That is not the issue.  It's the fact if I ever get anything wrong, it's because I don't think he's important enough to listen to... .not a simple, "I heard it wrong, I forgot, I could not do it, the store was out... ."  it's always, "You think so little of me you fail to be perfect at doings things for me!"

In essence, that is how it translates to him.

The toothpaste was stupid.  He was being rude, and while I was tired and busy (most travel responsibility lands on me), insisted I hand him toothpaste.  I snapped back, "you never use it anyway" which honestly I did think.  H brushed his teeth, but I never saw toothpaste used, and I was busy, and was like, you are just asking because I am busy, you don't even need this.  But it embarrassed him, as other people WERE in the hotel room, even if they never heard me.  He uses it now that I can see, and has for some time.  I'm not sure if he did or did not use it in the past.  I really don't care.  I should not have snapped, but I have apologized more than once over the 17 years since it happened. 

[isilme]

Yup.  Went without me.  He just has to freak out the day before my birthday.

[isilme]

Sure, I know it invalidates his feelings I ignored him to see that I had no way to know he was even trying to reach me.  This is an old issue, when technology is not perfect, or my reading of his messages is not perfect, it's because I hate him and disregard him, not a simple mistake born of tiredness, too many things to do, or a device malfunction. 

I don't validate or agree with accusations that are false.  I can't.

I told him he was right, I got breakfast wrong.  I told him I was sorry.  I told him I understood it made him upset that I did not respond and to think I was ignoring him.  I stated this several times.  I also stated the truth regardless of whether he wants to hear it - I cannot ignore a message I did not see.  Nor can I respond to it.

I do not like telling him he's right when he's accusing me of something that is not true, though.  I was not ignoring him.  Another favorite is accusing me of cheating - I've never cheated in any way shape or form... .so saying "you're right" is fine in some things, yes, but not when it's a false accusation, I think.  "You're right, I ignored you" or "You're right, I cheated" is not going to do much in my favor.

His last message was " I know exactly what you do: you ignore me when I get upset, and then claim later that you did not hear me. Well not any more. Goodbye."

And he's now offline, left for his own lunch, told me he was skipping out on my birthday he set up tomorrow, and giving me the silent treatment, and while I am trying to put this in the BPD envelope and ignore it as much as I can for now, it is hurting my day. 

Other people would be like, "oh crap, I got it wrong."  "Okay, so tomorrow can you put in the other item?"  "Sure"  Done.  "Oh, I didn't see your messages, I was in a room with bad reception, and just saw it, sorry!"  "Oh.  Well, I'm upset, and thought you were ignoring me."  "I was not, I'm sorry you through that."  "Well, ok.  we will discuss it at lunch" or whatever. 

Not this uncertain long term I'm angry forever about everything ever all over again. 

I don't know if this is a factor, but the last time he freaked like this followed a Sunday I went with a friend to keep her company running errands.  She invited me again this last week, and I went.  He swore it was fine.  I don't know if there is some correlation of lingering, ready to pop anger between me "abandoning him" on two recent Sundays for about 4 hours, or not. 

[isilme]

I just hate the uncertainty of the end of the day.  Usually if he's in a bad mood in the morning, or there was a fight the night before it's over by lunch, or the end of lunch.  I just don't mention it, and act as if nothing is wrong and he relents on the silent treatment.  Today it's all off, and I don;t even know if he will let me know when he leaves work.  Since he took the car at lunch (I assume), I don't even know where it is parked.  I guess I get to walk to his building and see if he acknowledges me. 

[Grey Kitty]

It goes back to the nursery rhyme "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Granted, it's taken a lot of emotional bumps and bruises to get here, but it's a pretty comfortable place to be.

There is the alternative version of that rhyme: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can make me think I deserve it."

Every person I've ever known who was subject to constant, ongoing criticism ended up paying a harsh price as far as hits to their self-esteem. Very often, not realizing it until much later when they got free. (Yes, I include myself!)

Yes, you are strong enough to take a little bit of it, and respond well or constructively.

And a constant pattern of it is still toxic and corrosive, and it does more to you than you realize while you are "being strong".

[isilme]

Well, at 5 he messaged me finally to let me know he was heading out to the car (this is what we usually do).  So I went over, asked if we were going to his appointment and that was all I said.  Got there, a couple we are friends with whose H is also getting treatment was there, so that diffused things a little.  But when we got home, he still had to yell to feel he got it out.  Then he resigned himself to the couch to eat complaining that I never buy good food (countered with "I buy what you tell me you will eat or put on the list", yes it's invalidating, but he was at the point of winding down where knew it was true and shut up). 

It was a lot of silent treatment, so I went to get ready for bed early, he followed, and then it was evident he was in pain from the treatment.  He stayed in this morning saying he felt like he got a cold, which is possible.  It's also possible his mood is so crappy he is making himself feel bad.  I can never tell how much is physical, how much is emotional.  So he will probably go in at noon, to not be out all day.  At least I won't be on the hook for any messaging if he's home asleep.