Protecting my daughter from what?

[AnyAdviceWelcome]

Hi, please can someone offer me some advice on how to express what I'm worried about.
I have a two year old daughter with my partner and his mother shows signs of BPD. My other half is currently in counselling for anxiety, depression and addiction and when speaking with his councillor, they strategise how he can deal with her under the assumption that she has BPD. She is however undiagnosed though receiving counselling (incidentally she has chosen to see the same counsellor that my partner and I see for couples counselling). I didn't object as any effort to help herself is good in my opinion.
So my situation is that after years of her behaving in a hateful and erratic way towards me and others she now wants to see my daughter, of course without me present. Over the years she has accused me of being mentally ill, attempting to starve my daughter to death, called me every hateful name under the sun. She denies my partners alcoholism, saying that he just needed to drink to put up with me. She once entered a school and berated a child until he wet his pants for telling her youngest son that there was no Santa (I don't know why she has no criminal record for this). She regularly tells my partner that she will kill herself if he does not pander to her. The list goes on and on. I don't want this woman around my daughter.
 This causes a huge issue for me and my partner as he looks at it as a mistrust of him that he can not take our daughter to his mothers house. She has no criminal record, sees her other grandchildren and since this has become an issue between us he maintains that she is totally changed and nothing but a granny denied access to her grandchild.
When she has episodes, my partner justifies it that she is mentally ill and can't help it but then claims to guarantee her stable behaviour around our daughter. He is badgering me to allow him to bring our daughter to a family party on Saturday saying that he fears that he may break down in tears if he has to go to another family party without our daughter with him (yeah, he's mega maniplulative, I know that). Any time I have gone to a family event of his she has found some excuse to skip it or at the last child's birthday party, she left as soon as we arrived and sat outside in her car for the duration refusing to even open a window to talk to anyone.
My daughter is two. I don't think she is going to physically abuse her and if she says hateful stuff or shouts and swears, I'm sure she would get over it. So why am is so worried? Well, without my partner and I being together enough to deal with this as one, I don't want to open this can of worms. It's not one party, it's the beginning of what I see as a negative influence on my daughter and family. Whenever I try to talk about this, I seem petty. Our couples councellor says that my partner needs to be shown trust in this and given this win. Trust has been a massive issue for us as is the case with addiction and he was caught sneaking around with his ex girlfriend when our daughter was just weeks old. She was staying with his mum and they met up in her house. Before I cut contact with his mum, she told me that he was cheating with someone else and that I should take our daughter and leave. But I'm told that that is in the past. That he no longer uses drugs or abuses alcohol though does still have an online sexual addiction that he is still working on getting under control. He says that he knows that he shouldn't have been sneaking around with the ex, though it is always followed up with the addition that it didn't go as far as sex. He as of recently doesn't go to his mums house to fuel her hate of me by going round to her house every time I piss him off so my mistrust is not valid. I'm working on trusting him but I'm not there yet and the party is on Saturday!
Help Please.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome AnyAdviceWelcome:   

I'm sorry about the situation with your partner's mother.  It's interesting that you all have the same therapist.  I guess standards vary in accordance with where you live.  My therapist told me that if I wanted to have joint sessions with my sister, it would have to be with a different therapist. 

Over the years she has accused me of being mentally ill, attempting to starve my daughter to death

  In what way did she attempt to starve your daughter to death? 

You could take a stand that his mother won't see your child without you present. Does your husband have a problem supporting that?  His mother would have a choice, either be respectful and visit you daughter with you there, or not at all.

Perhaps you and your partner can agree on some boundaries.  One situation could be that you go to the party, with your husband and daughter (perhaps you drive separately).  If his mom has a bad day and sets a pattern of misbehaving or is rude to you, then you and your husband agree beforehand that you will leave with your child.  It would be great to have a united front and to have your husband leave with you, but one option would be that he can choose to stay.

Going forward, you could have the same boundary.  His mom can choose to treat you respectfully and behave during an event, or you leave every time.  You and your husband can agree on occasions you attend and occasions that you don't attend.  Perhaps, you go to some, with your child, and then he goes to others alone, or you unite to decline attending some events.

Do you think that your partner has some BPD traits?  Perhaps he is codependent in regard to his mom?

[AnyAdviceWelcome]

Thank you for your response.
Oops that's my grammar, the mil has accused ME of trying to starve my daughter and it got back to me that she was saying this.

I guess after her performance at the last party (sulking in her car) that when I said I was reluctant to go to this one, my partner said fine and seems keen that I don't go. Maybe that is a good compromise though. I will go too. It solves the immediate problem.
Going forward I'm sure that the issue of my partner bringing our daughter to see his mother will arise again soon and I feel like no one is listening to me that I'm scared by this prospect and though I can see the positives for my partner and his Mum, I just don't see that it is in the best interest of the two year old in the middle of this.
 I don't know what the lines are between BPD behaviour, that of an addict or the learned manipulation he got from being raised by a BPD mother.
As for the issue of sharing a therapist, it does seem to be a conflict of interest especially as she has only been seeing the MIL for a few weeks and seems to be firmly on the side of her having access to my daughter.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey AnyAdviceWelcome:     

I guess after her performance at the last party (sulking in her car) . . .

Sulking in her car can be an advantage to you.  At least, she isn't in your face.  If you get a repeat situation of her sulking in her car, hopefully you can discuss this possible outcome with your husband and agree that he won't try to coax her out of the car.  She is trying to get attention.  If you don't give her attention for bad behavior, it is more likely to stop.

I just don't see that it is in the best interest of the two year old in the middle of this.     

If you and your husband can unite on some boundaries, there should be minimal impact on your daughter, as you will remove her from harmful situations.  With you there, you don't have to worry that your husband won't defend boundaries. 

As your child begins to understand that something is wrong with grandma, you might consider what you might tell her in an age appropriate manner.  She is probably too young to ask questions yet.  If your partner's mom oversteps your boundary, and you have to leave (and your child questions it), you might say something like. "grandma was being mean to me, so we need to leave now" or "Grandma is having a bad day, we need to go home and let her recover"

As for the issue of sharing a therapist, it does seem to be a conflict of interest especially as she has only been seeing the MIL for a few weeks and seems to be firmly on the side of her having access to my daughter.     

  If you go on Saturday, then test things out on the next visit with the therapist.  Perhaps you might want to discuss boundaries during a session. The therapist should assist you and your husband in reaching united boundaries in regard to his mom (if that is a problem).  If the therapist continues to appear to take your mom's side, then you might want to change therapists.  Try to use it to your advantage, if possible. Perhaps it's possible to gain some benefit, by discussing the aftermath of the party.

You aren't going to change your partner's mother, and you may never like her.  What you can do is change the way you interact with her and react to her.  You have a choice.  You can either react to promote her bad behavior, or you can take measures to neutralize her. 

What are some of the nasty comments behaviors you anticipate from her at the party?
AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS is a good strategy to follow. THE KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE  workshop can help you learn about healthy triangles, versus unhealthy ones. Avoiding arguments and not reacting with emotions, can be a beneficial strategy on your part.

[Fie]

Hello and welcome to the site !

I can relate to what you are going through. My mum is BPD and never really cared about seeing my daughter, who's now 8. I also don't have a good bond with my parents, especially since they have started to notice that I have put up some boundaries. So we don't see them a lot.

Since some time though my mum wants to see my child every now and then. Push and pull game, you know. It hurts me to see how much my daughter wants a bond with grandma and then every time after they met, grandma does not visit anymore for a long time. Until she unexpectedly pops up again. Etc. It has become a real power game, with me, but maybe also with my child, who knows.

I have for some time played along with this game. I get extremely stressed from it, especially from being so powerless and see my daughter suffer. But I felt I had to allow her to meet her family, because it has to be my child's choice to see or not to see her grandparents, based on her experiences with them, not mine.

I am slowly altering my opinion, though. The behavior of my mum is starting to show little cracks towards my child now, also. My child is quite sensitive and takes some of the things grandma does, to heart.  I am starting to have enough of the stress and I am realizing that maybe it's in the best interest of my daughter if she does not see her grandparents anymore. They cannot offer her a great deal. If they had positive qualities that I would like my daughter to see, than I could balance everything out. But unfortunately I don't really have the feeling there is some balancing to do there.

When she has episodes, my partner justifies it that she is mentally ill and can't help it but then claims to guarantee her stable behaviour around our daughter.

Everyone is different of course, and I do not know your MIL. But I personally don't believe that she would be a different person towards your child, then she is towards everyone else.

This causes a huge issue for me and my partner as he looks at it as a mistrust of him that he can not take our daughter to his mothers house.

I don't see your (grounded) mistrust in your MIL as a mistrust in your partner. They are two different people. Of course people with BPD tend to see their children as extensions of themselves. Do you think that could be the case with your MIL and her son, who might have internalized this feeling ?

I don't want this woman around my daughter.

I think that is very clear. It's also clear that you have the best interest of your daughter at heart. She's the one who counts the most, not your MIL and also not even your partner, in my opinion. He's an adult and does not need protection, your daughter does.
It is of course a good idea to not make conflicts bigger between your partner and you. But please be sure you are not doing something you don't really want to do, and regret it later.
Growing up with a family member who has BPD is no fun, a lot of members here can testify to that. In case of your daughter it's 'only' her grandma, but also grandma's can have a lot of psychological impact. Proceed carefully please !

If I were in your shoes, I would not want her to meet MIL without me being there. If this will indeed be your boundary, be sure to stick with it. If you let it slide once in a while, you can expect something called 'intermittent reinforcement'.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201312/borderline-provocations-how-not-respond


Lastly, it does seem a little strange to me that your therapist treats your MIL also. In my opinion that's not very wise, and maybe you would feel safer with a therapist who proceeds in a more (in my eyes) professional way.


If you want, let us know how everything went !  

[AnyAdviceWelcome]

Thank you both so much. It really is helpful in so many ways. Even writing stuff down helps but not to be met with 'What do you think is going to happen?'  I don't want to let my mind wander to what ifs and worst case scenarios but it seems to me that unless I can outline concrete dangers then neither my partner or therapist are going to entertain my concerns. It's hard to say to him that my biggest fear is that she will have some of the same influence on our child as she did with him leading him to spiral into depression, anxiey, addiction, low self esteem and what his therapist calls 'interesting views on women'. I'm scared that her drive to see my daughter is only a tool to cause problems in my family. She has made no secret that she wants me gone. My partner left me a couple of times during our daughters first year as we fought about his drug use around her and he went straight home to stay in his old room where she would be delighted to have him back and take no issue with him using drugs. He's been clean and sober for a year now though and he really is a great guy but he remains so manipulated by her, as are all his siblings that dealing with her behaviour is so difficult. It seems like an insurmountable task. 
I've agreed to go to the party and he is ok that me and my daughter will show face, pose for photos and leave. It starts shortly before her bedtime so that's a great excuse to minimise our exposure while still giving them this win.
'Intermittent reinforcement' is a great term that I will read more about but is so very apt for explaining what I'm scared of. Until her and her husband separated, he said that in over 30 years of knowing her, that I'm the only person who ever dared to defy her. I don't feel that it is my place to try to change her behaviour. I just took myself and my daughter out of her world. Now she wants my daughter in her life I feel like I have to get involved and I have no idea how to negotiate that especially without the support of my partner.

[Fie]

Hello AnyAdviseWelcome   

How did the weekend go ? How was the party ?

Fie

[AnyAdviceWelcome]

Hi, thanks for asking how the party was. The answer was that it was ok. Our daughter was coming down with the cold but my partner was determined to bring her anyway, though the silver lining to that was me and her leaving early was made smoother. Although we had agreed to that beforehand, he still tried to make us stay with him. His mum stayed away from us for the duration we were there, which was a relief. After writing all this down I'm really starting to question if he is a bigger part of this problem than I had previously thought.