Feeling suicidal, lost and lonely

[Adamski]

I’m currently having problems with suicidal thoughts after the deterioration of a extreme codependent relationship. We had a child together who is 3 years old, every time I picture his face I cry because of my current extreme depressive mood and the idea of never seeing him again. I haven’t slept for 4 days now and am aware the sleep deprivation will be a contributing factor to my mood but cant reason with this knowledge. My ex is in complete denial about her part in the volatility of the relationship and uses guilt and blame to validate her insecurities, leaving me without any closure. I do often need validation and have been craving it in this very unhealthy relationship, I still crave this relationship to work as much as I know how unhealthy it is, the affects of trauma bonding is crippling me. She will move on without consideration as she has torn any energy from me and has no use for me.

I was diagnosed with ADHD just 2 months ago at the age of 42, I think the knowledge of this diagnosis has fuelled my ex’s desire to blame. I’ve suffered from varying degrees of depression and anxiety for 25 years, attempting suicide on 2 occasions whilst drunk. My ex partner took my suicide attempt to be manipulation of her emotions, I just wanted the pain to stop as I do now. I am an extremely sensitive and loving person who finds it hard to console grief.

[abused by bpd]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation and thoughts of suicide. It is absolutely horrible that the evil illness (BPD), has brought you to this extreme. PLEASE get some rest and think clearly before you react in any way. The best thing you could have done is come to this forum and reach out for help. I am sure there are many people here, including myself, that have reached this type of low point after ending a BPD relationship.
The way you are feeling is exactly what your ex would have wished for you. That is the ultimate evil of the dissorder. BPD's are like tornado's, that destroy everything in they're path. That is the primary objective. To take down everyone that knows the truth about the person's illness. Especially those closest.
You should consider looking at the positive's first. If you are separated and NC from the ex? That is the first step and best thing that could have happened. You have a son that you love very much. One thing a BPD can never do is take your children away from you permanently. Of course the ex will try. Fortunatley your son is to young for the ex to paint you black to him. Had your son been older that would have been attempted too. So, there are positives for you to consider.
Always remember that you deserve better. You deserve to have a happy, healthy, safe life. Everyone that has sufferd the abuse of a BPD partner has been compromised to a fraction of what they used to be. You can overcome all of this. With time, you can become yourself again. You can live a normal life that includes your son.
I was married to a BPD/NPD/ASPD for 23 years. I have two daughters 21 and 23. My daughters spent almost they're entire lives living the nightmare. I thank GOD everyday that it finally ended for the three of us. We were all extremely damaged from the abuse. My two daughters now live with me. We have all made great progress healing form the wounds. Of course it was only possible by total NC with the ex. My daughters nor myself will ever speak to her or see her again. We will NOT allow ourselves to ever be recycled again.
If you need to speak to someone you are welcomed to pm me. You can call me as well. I will give you my phone number if you choose to pm and wish to speak.
PLEASE think about the positives and get some rest.

[Adamski]

Not sure how I could do no contact, its still all a bit raw. She is not trying to stop me seeing my son, but I do not trust her intentions at all. I will be in touch, I'm so tired right now - its late in the UK and i'm not thinking straight, must try to rest a little.

Thank you for your words of encouragement

[Adamski]

I am glad you found a way out of your damaging relationship, how long did it take you to start feeling a little better? I'm not very strong right now.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Adamski:     

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time.   A lack of sleep can make things seem so much worse. I'm sorry you have ADHD.  I know it can be a challenge.  Some people with ADHD are very creative people.  I occasionally read a blog by someone who has ADHD.  One thing he uses when he is really stressed out is to sing.  He says it changes his mindset.  When he is at work, he will go into the restroom and sing, or escape into the stairwell to sing.  How about putting on some music and singing along with a song.

I wanted to offer some resources that might be helpful for you.  Sometimes just reaching out and talking to someone can make you feel better.
Don't forget that your child needs you.

The Safety First link below has information for dealing with domestic violence and handling suicidal thoughts.  

SAFETY FIRST
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

When you are having a bad day, it can help to have some tools to change your thought pattern and mood.  The two links below have some options to consider to change the moment for you.  Emotions can change rapidly, and we can do some healthy things to help us work through them.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

The first link below could lead to some resources for someone outside of the US.  The last 2 links are for use within the US. Sometime, just reaching out to talk to a listening ear can make you feel better.

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES
www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Take care.  

You want to be around for your child.

[Reforming]

Hi Adamski

I'm sorry that things feel so hard... .

It's sounds like you're trying to deal with a lot of different things right. The end of a very intense and traumatic relationship... .Discovering that you have ADHD... .Missing your son... .Exhaustion and depression...

Any one of these could present a challenge but I can totally understand that together they make an overwhelming combination.

Perhaps it's worth trying to break them down into smaller pieces.

The end of a long term relationship can be very painful but when there's a disordered or codependent dynamic involved it can feel particularly traumatic.

Many of us have experienced codependency and it can be very addictive. When a co-dependent  relationship ends it seems to leave a huge empty space. It can very hard see or accept that this space is actually healthy and even necessary.  Recalibrating yourself back to normality can feel very tough but it's definitely possible and it does get easier over time.

I can understand how your ADHD diagnosis might be painful - especially if you're ex has used it as a basis for blame.

I know it's really hard right now but I think it's really important to reframe your perspective on your diagnosis.

ADHD is a treatable condition that responds well to medication and appropriate therapy.

How were you diagnosed? Did you get a treatment plan?

It won't go away but if you take the right steps you can see huge improvements in your quality of life. But you will need to drive this yourself. Perhaps the first step is educate yourself fully about the condition.

There's some very books and literature available. I'd start with Dr Ned Hallowell's book Driven to Distraction.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Distraction-Recognizing-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Childhood-Adulthood/0684801280

And Gina Pera's Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

I think we can all struggle to take responsibility for our behaviour sometimes but pwBPD often try shift to blame or responsibility elsewhere. It's an unhealthy and destructive coping mechanism and it can feel extremely invalidating if your on the receiving end. This is your exes problem not yours

It's possible that your ADHD might play in your relationship too. Those suffering from ADHD are often drawn or become addicted to extreme stimulus and a relationship with a borderline will provide plenty of that. ADHD can present challenges for a partner but there are plenty of relationships where the condition is managed properly and couples have very happy marriages.

Perhaps the most important thing right now is to give yourself the time, space and love that you need. You deserve this love and care and you owe to yourself.

We're here for you

Reforming

[Adamski]

Thankyou for your response reforming, I do get to see my son - he is here now, it is very difficult having him although I love him implicitly. He asks for his mummy often and talks about wanting to go back to his mom's and why I won't go with him. Also I'm really not much fun at the moment, even with my best mask.

No contact would jeopardize my chances of regular contact with my son.

I got a diagnosis of ADHD from a NHS psychiatrist and am awaiting my follow up appointment, it's a very slow process as the demand for this care is high, unless you can afford to pay for treatment.

I agree that the space should be healthy, it took me over a month of gradual deterioration to realize what had happened, she left me such a underhanded way. I do crave her back but it would just be to fill this current excruciating void. I know in my heart it's for the best, but I keep wondering what ifs and maybe things could be better. She told me after everything I had done to her? During the relationship, she started to care less and less. She even told me at one point recently when we were together , she wishes she could go back to her previous relationship as she managed to reach a plateu of constantly feeling underwhelmed, but it was easier- that was very tame to some of nasty ___ she said.

I make no bones in logically accepting some accountability for the dynamics of the relationship. I did crave the intense make ups for validation and it's stimulus. When I eventually found it difficult to accept the bizarre accusations from my ex, her checking my emails & messages and eventually cutting off contact to most of my friends. I snapped and got quite upset never violent but highly frustrated and upset, I grabbed her arm once and put my foot in the door, which I feel regret and guilt about. Her ex was a friend of mine, she told me how manipulative he was and undermined everything she did, also she said he was abusive and so on and so on. I did see him kick her once, but I now have an idea of the catalyst for this as he is normally a really laid back person. So much has happened and it all plays in my mind every day and I feel so guilty about everything and completely overwhelmed with the complexity of my feelings. I know in my heart I wouldn't hurt a fly, I feel duped, tricked and desperate.

I've read a lot about BPD online, but the nature of my symptoms mean I find reading, concentration and retention of information very hard, especially in stressful situations. I have audio books about ADHD and even then phase out.

I am not trying to undermine your suggestions and truly appreciate everything you have to offer. I may start listening to the books again, but now it seems too much to take in.

I have read about people taking years to come to terms with things - I can't I'magine that much pain right now.

[Adamski]

I spent a great deal of time not being able to look my friend, her ex in the eye and had sleepless nights about it. I lost friends and respect because of this and regret it every day, she seduced me with her lies.

I'm not a very emotionally strong person anyway, I've had depression for self worth issues got years.

I have been going out of my child's sight to cry put of pure desperation

[Naughty Nibbler]

I spent a great deal of time not being able to look my friend, her ex in the eye and had sleepless nights about it. I lost friends and respect because of this and regret it every day, she seduced me with her lies.

I'm not a very emotionally strong person anyway, I've had depression for self worth issues got years.

I have been going out of my child's sight to cry put of pure desperation

Hey Adamski:     

Sounds like your mind is stuck in a ruminating mode.  Since your child is with you, are there some activities you can do to take your mind off things.  Some possible choices would  be a game, watch a movie, go to a park.   

You probably don't feel like doing anything, but sometimes, if you just "fake it until you make it", it can help break the ruminations and sadness.

How old is your child?  Boy or girl?

[Reforming]

Hi Adamski,

It's great that you're seeing your three year old son, but I can totally understand why parenting is hard right now.

It's really important to give yourself credit - you're doing the best that you can in a very difficult situation and that takes a lot guts and strength.

I do understand that ADHD makes reading / retaining information challenging and that the added stresses that you're dealing with right now make it even harder.

I know that the NHS is struggling, but I think you have done really well to get a diagnosis from psychiatrist. The primary treatment options for ADHD is medication and though it can take some time to fine tune the dosage and choice of drugs (there are a number of options) most sufferers see substantial improvements pretty quickly.

There are many adults sufferers who are diagnosed comparatively late in life - particularly in the UK where the existence of adult ADHD has only recently been accepted.

But getting a diagnosis can provide huge relief and the opportunity to make really positive improvements to your life. Don't give up. Keep nagging your GP and your psychiatrist - the reality is that they are more likely to pursue treatment if you don't let them off the hook.

Adams you deserve the chance to live the best and happiest life possible. You might amazed by how much better things can get if you get the right treatment and work on managing your condition.

There are also some good UK based forums for ADHD sufferers

As I said we're all rooting for you

Reforming

[Fie]

Hello Adamski,

Like you and a lot of other members on here, I have had a BPD partner that I loved very much. We are not together anymore now.
In the beginning I suffered.
Taking care of my daughter was a daily struggle.
What really helped for me was breaking down time in small units. Sometimes days, or sometimes hours.
At night I congratulated myself for having gotten through the day. It was important for me to not think too much about 'when will I feel better / how long will this take me / how will I feel next week, next month' etc.

Just one day as a maximum goal. And after a while, not even so long, I noticed that I had stopped doing that. Time began to take its normal length again. Days did not seem so long anymore. I cannot say that at that moment I was already jumping with joy, but everything became a lot more bearable.

Do you think that sounds like something you could try out ?

xx

[Naughty Nibbler]

Adamski:  

The link below to the Faster Than Normal website, might have some comforting encouragement and advice.  There are some inspiring free podcasts with some very successful people who discuss how they manage their ADD/ADHD and how they have successfully managed it to achieve a very creative and successful life.

www.fasterthannormal.com/

For those with ADD and ADHD, that’s not science fiction, it’s reality. But it’s a reality that comes with a steep learning curve. Like learning how to drive a sports car, those with super-fast brains need to know how to manage them. We need to know how to get the best out of them, without running them into the ground.

Whether you’ve just been diagnosed gifted with ADD or ADHD, whether you’ve had it for years, or whether you’re the parent, friend, or employer of someone who has it, or if you’re not even sure if you have it at all, you’ve found a home. Welcome. Check out the blog, the videos, and most definitely subscribe to the free podcast, where we interview some of the top minds in ADD/ADHD, as well as celebrities, sports figures, and business leaders, all of whom share the same gift of ADD/ADHD – In other words, we’re all Faster Than Normal!

I’ve learned to use my ADD/ADHD as an advantage, not as a disability. I’ve come up with and implemented countless tricks, secrets, and hacks that constantly improve my day to day life, professionally, and personally. Faster Than Normal is where I’m going to share them with you.

By the way – I should mention – I’m not anti-medication. I think that medication plays an important role in helping certain people thrive with ADHD. But I am against medication being the first response when someone learns differently, or has a non-traditional way of looking at things, or simply has a hard time sitting still (like I did, and still occasionally do.) I in fact have a prescription for a form of ADHD medication, but for me, it’s a last resort, not a daily go-to. I think that in some cases, we’re starting to rely on medicine as a crutch, and in some cases, (not all, but some,) we’re potentially drugging the creativity out of our next generation of leaders. Now, I’m obviously not a doctor, and if you think you may have ADHD, I encourage you to talk to your doctor, investigate the science out there, and in partnership with your medical professional, come to a conclusion that’s right for you. In my case, that’s what I’ve done, and I’ve learned to embrace the speed at which my brain works, and use it to my advantage. .  .

One Way to “Fast Reboot” the ADHD Brain

Sing a song! This one sounds crazy, but I swear by it – I keep some of my favorite music on my iPhone in a playlist called “ADHD-BUSTER.” I’ll turn it up, shut my door (or find an empty broom closet or bathroom, if need be,) and sing my heart out for the next three minutes. Sure, it might require a little explaining if someone walks in on you, but let me tell you, after singing “La Vie Boheme” from The Broadway Show “Rent,” I can walk into any meeting and turn on my best magic, just like that.

Take care. 

[heartandwhole]

How are you doing today, Adamski? Were you able to get some rest last night?

[Adamski]

Thankyou all for your compassion, I didnt sleep much Last night my 3 year old was sick and i stayed up to monitor him - Im going to try now - finding it hard to keep up with things even this forum.

[Adamski]

All your suggestions are extremely helpful I will try all the techniques to see if anything works x

[heartandwhole]

Sleep well, Adamski, and let us know how you are doing, when you can. I hope your son is feeling better. 

[Fie]

Please rest well first. Being tired everything tends to overwhelm us, and all of the info you got can seem a lot.

When you feel you have rested, I would like to echo Reforming and would suggest you to break down everything into smaller pieces.
Day per day, issue per issue.

Please get back to us after having read a bit about the issue you'll decide to handle first / you'll read about first.
Let us know what you think. Your presence here is much needed, not only for you but also for the other members who are reading along and who might not even have posted. We all learn from each other.   Your insights can mean something for us. I have noticed that sometimes a little phrase, a little remark from a member, can make a lot of difference in how I perceive things. Sometimes things I read help me see clear in something I am dealing with as well, and I have heard the same from some other members.

[Adamski]

Hi I've still not rested very well - I'm still very confused - I called in sick for the first time due to depression, in my all my working years. Trying to eat well and keep up with cleaning for my sons visits - because of my anxieties I find a lot of info overwhelming, but also helpful. I'm still suffering from suicidal ideation and feeling like I have lost currently. Structuring the day is really hard, I'm worried I will upset my son with my demeanour also, he asked to go home because I was too sad.

[Fie]

I remember I used to feel guilty when calling in sick for work. Sometimes we have a very strong work ethos, to the point it's not really healthy anymore.
It's ok to take the time to stay home to get better. Sleeping is more important than working at the moment. Is it possible to get a doctor's note for some time ?


You say you try to keep up with cleaning for when your son visits. Do you feel like your house has to be clean for when he comes ?


It's ok that you are sad around your son. Some things are not perfect, they just are the way they are. Your son will deal with that. The most important thing now for him, is that his dad is somehow around - and that his dad decides to stick around. He will need you while growing up.
Whatever issues parents have, whatever we let our children see about us, the most important thing is that we are THERE so they know they are worthwhile staying around for - even if momentarily we realize we are not perfect for them.
When you have difficult moments, please realize that, when your son will be an adult man, his life and personality will be totally different depending on the choice you will have made about sticking around or not. Don't let him be one of those children who feels he's not worthy because his father choose not to be with him. Please give your son the gift of a father who choose to stick around.


There's an old friend of mine who was severely depressed some years ago. He was really deep down. He told me that the one thought that saved him was : I will die in the end anyway. In the end, it's all going to be ok. So why not stick around and see what happens ? Even if it's just out of curiosity ?

I don't know about you, but somehow to me that makes sense. If only I had known that friend already in my days of deepest depression and sorrow.
 

[Sadly]

Hi Adamski
That's good advice from Fie and pretty much what I was going to say.  You have to take care of yourself and taking time out from work to do so shouldn't be anything to feel guilty about.  If you'd had a fall and broken something or got a serious dose of man flu  you would have to take time out so don't be worrying about that, depression is just as valid a reason.
You need to sleep and eat and look out for yourself, get your strength built up for you and your boy.
Love from
Sadly     x

[heartandwhole]

How are you doing today, Adamski?