How much is enough? Expectations, entitlement and financial responsibilities

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Hello.  I am a new member struggling to come to terms with a recent breakup from a relationship with a woman who seemed to have BPD/NPD traits.  My relationship was a three and a half year soap opera but I have provided a severely edited summary below.

When we first met, my ex SO was quite wealthy.  She proudly told me that her millionaire boyfriend before me described her as "the most cash-rich person I know".  I was struck by her impulsive spending and her love for fine things.  I, on the other hand, had a big mortgage and little or no money left at the end of each month.  I had no savings, just my house.  My parents are very careful with their finances and instilled in me a responsible attitude towards money.  Nevertheless, I was so intoxicated by her beauty and vivacious personality that I wanted to join her glamorous way of living.  Our relationship was amazing at the beginning and she made me feel that I was the man she had been looking for her whole life. 

She was planning to take her two teenage sons on an expensive holiday and I wanted to be part of it.  I managed to come up with the money for the flight and a reasonable amount of spending money which I offered to put into a 'pot' with hers but she declined.  Before leaving, we spoke about how romantic this holiday would be but it turned into a disaster.  A major issue was that she expected the man to pay for all the meals but I just couldn't afford it.  She resented me for not supporting the family and said that I still thought like a single person.  We returned with the idealisation phase at an end.

After that our relationship went through multiple breakups (always instigated by her).  A recurring problem for her was that I didn't provide enough financial support - an issue that became more acute after she invested most of her money in a house.  Her husband (she was separated) was very wealthy but she didn't press him for any maintenance because he had the boys every other week.  Each time we broke up and recycled, I tried to put more money into the relationship.  Eventually I got to the stage where I was overdrawn every month and having to skip mortgage payments (we weren't living together).  When I told her this, she said that I should be willing to not pay my mortgage for a year if I loved her and wanted to give her the social life that she desired - she continually criticised me for not taking her out enough.  Not long ago she told me that if she meant the world to me I should be willing to give her the world.

Finally, she unexpectedly broke up with me at the beginning of February.  Her 50th birthday was coming up in April and she asked me what we were doing for it.  I wanted to take her away somewhere special (I had taken her to Madrid the previous year) and so I asked her what she would like to do.  I didn't realise that she was testing me and that behind my back she had been communicating with another guy who had probably already put an offer on the table.  That weekend she told me that I had "devalued" her and that she was "a classy woman and if I wanted to be with her, I needed to pay".  On the Monday, she rang me to tell me we were finished. 

After collecting my stuff from her house and sending a few goodbye texts, I went NC.  In a moment of weakness after 5 weeks I sent her a brief text saying that I missed her.  She replied with a emotionless one that read "I'm ok. I'm in Los Angeles US."  (We both live in the UK).  Presumably, her new man had responded to her criticisms of me by immediately taking her on an expensive holiday.  My shame was complete and I'm now haunted by thoughts of "If I'd only spent more... ." 

I would like to know if any other 'nons' have had similar experiences and whether you think I was at fault, or whether an open wallet approach just leads to even higher expectations?  Thank you.

[Riguez]

Hello.  I am a new member struggling to come to terms with a recent breakup from a relationship with a woman who seemed to have BPD/NPD traits.  My relationship was a three and a half year soap opera but I have provided a severely edited summary below.

When we first met, my ex SO was quite wealthy.  She proudly told me that her millionaire boyfriend before me described her as "the most cash-rich person I know".  I was struck by her impulsive spending and her love for fine things.  I, on the other hand, had a big mortgage and little or no money left at the end of each month.  I had no savings, just my house.  My parents are very careful with their finances and instilled in me a responsible attitude towards money.  Nevertheless, I was so intoxicated by her beauty and vivacious personality that I wanted to join her glamorous way of living.  Our relationship was amazing at the beginning and she made me feel that I was the man she had been looking for her whole life. 

She was planning to take her two teenage sons on an expensive holiday and I wanted to be part of it.  I managed to come up with the money for the flight and a reasonable amount of spending money which I offered to put into a 'pot' with hers but she declined.  Before leaving, we spoke about how romantic this holiday would be but it turned into a disaster.  A major issue was that she expected the man to pay for all the meals but I just couldn't afford it.  She resented me for not supporting the family and said that I still thought like a single person.  We returned with the idealisation phase at an end.

After that our relationship went through multiple breakups (always instigated by her).  A recurring problem for her was that I didn't provide enough financial support - an issue that became more acute after she invested most of her money in a house.  Her husband (she was separated) was very wealthy but she didn't press him for any maintenance because he had the boys every other week.  Each time we broke up and recycled, I tried to put more money into the relationship.  Eventually I got to the stage where I was overdrawn every month and having to skip mortgage payments (we weren't living together).  When I told her this, she said that I should be willing to not pay my mortgage for a year if I loved her and wanted to give her the social life that she desired - she continually criticised me for not taking her out enough.  Not long ago she told me that if she meant the world to me I should be willing to give her the world.

Finally, she unexpectedly broke up with me at the beginning of February.  Her 50th birthday was coming up in April and she asked me what we were doing for it.  I wanted to take her away somewhere special (I had taken her to Madrid the previous year) and so I asked her what she would like to do.  I didn't realise that she was testing me and that behind my back she had been communicating with another guy who had probably already put an offer on the table.  That weekend she told me that I had "devalued" her and that she was "a classy woman and if I wanted to be with her, I needed to pay".  On the Monday, she rang me to tell me we were finished. 

After collecting my stuff from her house and sending a few goodbye texts, I went NC.  In a moment of weakness after 5 weeks I sent her a brief text saying that I missed her.  She replied with a emotionless one that read "I'm ok. I'm in Los Angeles US."  (We both live in the UK).  Presumably, her new man had responded to her criticisms of me by immediately taking her on an expensive holiday.  My shame was complete and I'm now haunted by thoughts of "If I'd only spent more... ." 

I would like to know if any other 'nons' have had similar experiences and whether you think I was at fault, or whether an open wallet approach just leads to even higher expectations?  Thank you.

[roberto516]

First of all. Welcome! You're in a good spot to share these things and to talk. I will only give you my experience and knowledge.

Someone with traits can display this personality where nothing is enough. And you have to take into account that one of the criteria for a dx is impulsivity in areas like spending. Nevertheless someone with these traits is always trying to fill their bucket of self-worth with whatever they can find. In the moment it feels good, and it fills them up. What they don't realize, and we usually don't until way after, is that there is a hole at the bottom of that bucket that is constantly leaking. So it's a never ending attempt to fill their lives with anything; only for it to be drained little by little.

So you could have bought her a whole country and eventually she would have look to the right and said "Well I want that country instead."

This is what just happened with me. 2 months of rejection because she had found her "self". Then some financial stress led to her sadness and I am back in a recycle attempt. Because, in this moment, I can fill her bucket so to speak.

Keep sharing my friend. There are so many people with similar experiences here. It is so relieving.

[hopealways]

Obviously you're not at fault.
The fact that you are even blaming yourself or feel shamed is the precise reason you were attracted to this woman and why you remained.
You got out in time, very well done!
The BPD will ALWAYS raise the bar, nothing is good enough, you have to continually prove your devotion to them or their abandonment fears are triggered. Enough IS enough.
Hang in there.

[Huh?]

No man, you are not at fault.

I myself, have fallen prey to the "gold digger" as well. Nothing is ever enough, ever.

Funny story, my ex fiancé's (a covert NPD/gold digger) grandmother once dated a guy whom she dumped because she tought he would never amount to anything.  That guy is now a multi millionaire a hundred times over.  Her Grandma? 85 years old now, divorced and never remarried, broke, alone, and is literally digging for gold on a small piece of property she bought in the desert.

My ex fiancé's mom (daughter of above grandma), had multiple affairs on her dad until he finally said it was enough. She was depressed he didn't make enough money, that was her excuse.  She took everything from him.   She is now remarried in a loveless marriage (they sleep in separate rooms) and gets a new bigger house, new cars, every couple of years.  It's never enough.  I remember talking to her one time... .and the subject of her ex husband came up, I could see the regret on her face the way she talked about him.  

My ex fiancé, when I met her (I dated a gold digger before her) told me she hated the women in her family... .and would live with me in a card board box.  Except, she wanted nice things, trips, a big house, a nice car.  All stuff I would never afford.  MORE, MORE, MORE... .The bar kept getting raised higher and higher... .until eventually, poof! It's over.

So no, you did nothing wrong.  Some people don't learn until they are old and can look back on their lives... .and see the trail of wreckage they left in selfish ambition.  Some people don't learn at all... .and are still digging away in the desert.

Main thing is, you need to rebuild, take care of yourself, and move forward putting yourself first.

[Riguez]

Thanks for the replies guys and the encouragement.  There are so many other things that went on in this relationship but it would take pages to explain it all.  I loved her and her sons but she played me off against her husband and exes, called me names, swore at me, belittled me, referred to me as another child and told me that friends of hers, that had never met me, didn't like me because I didn't treat her like a 'classy woman'.  I remember when her new bed was delivered and she said to me "You are the first man to sleep in my new bed."  She didn't even understand why I was upset by that!

[UnforgivenII]

she was "a classy woman and if I wanted to be with her, I needed to pay".  On the Monday, she rang me to tell me we were finished. 

Maybe It is because I am an old fashioned Italian woman, but women who say things like these have a very specific name in my country.
I apologize if I hurt your feelings...   But I had to say it

[lovenature]

Welcome Riguez

Nothing is ever enough for a PWBPD, sadly the more material things and love you give them, the more they expect because of their extreme fear of abandonment. The closer you get though, the more they push you away. Keep reading and learning, BPD is a very serious mental illness.