I don't know how to answer this question

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In the post "Why Do We Get Angry?", the video poses the question,"what was something that made you angry?" Of course I answer with my ex cheating on me. It cripples me with anger. I thought more and I really was stuck on the lying that went into the cheating. So I modified my answer to incorporate how my ex lying made me as angry/angrier than the actual act of cheating. The next question asks what does them doing that act mean they think about me? So the example he gives is someone giving you a criticism, then that must mean they think I'm that criticism.

So for me, I'm trying to think of what my ex must think of me since she lied when confronted multiple times about my concerns of her cheating on me. She told me that she wanted to tell him that they couldn't do this anymore and keep it secret so she wouldn't have to talk about it with me. So she was going to keep it hidden and tell her ex that this would be the last they would meet. Given the other lies that I didn't fully believe, but didn't press, I know that this is another attempt to say what she thinks what I want to hear. In my first post I mentioned that she must have never been over her ex to begin, so that might be why she did it. But I don't know what to think of her lying to me and what she must think of me as a result. I was basically her caretaker and did anything she wanted because I loved her and wanted her to get better and wanted to make her home life different than her previous one so she could feel healthy and happy. So for her to suddenly not trust me and not share that she was having feelings for someone else just gutted me.

As a result of all that, I cannot answer this question with any kind of certainty. I was trying to figure out what it was that was hanging me up on this recovery stuff, and I think that this may be a huge part of it. It really ties into the confusion/disbelief that I'm feeling that makes me feel sick. I just don't know what she feels about me. The lying makes it really hard to listen to anything she says. Not saying that I would take her back if she really did "love me" or if she really was "sorry", but I think I could stop thinking about it a whole lot more if I had a direct and honest answer. Like even if it was "I was just using you until I was over my ex lying to me" or "I was only using you to escape my homelife" I would be satisfied. It would be honest and I would move on to the next step.

Here's the link to the video:
VIDEO | Anger Management for Everyone - Noah Elkrief

Don't know how to embed

[Caretaker2]

In the post "Why Do We Get Angry?", the video poses the question,"what was something that made you angry?" Of course I answer with my ex cheating on me. It cripples me with anger. I thought more and I really was stuck on the lying that went into the cheating. So I modified my answer to incorporate how my ex lying made me as angry/angrier than the actual act of cheating. The next question asks what does them doing that act mean they think about me? So the example he gives is someone giving you a criticism, then that must mean they think I'm that criticism.

So for me, I'm trying to think of what my ex must think of me since she lied when confronted multiple times about my concerns of her cheating on me. She told me that she wanted to tell him that they couldn't do this anymore and keep it secret so she wouldn't have to talk about it with me. So she was going to keep it hidden and tell her ex that this would be the last they would meet. Given the other lies that I didn't fully believe, but didn't press, I know that this is another attempt to say what she thinks what I want to hear. In my first post I mentioned that she must have never been over her ex to begin, so that might be why she did it. But I don't know what to think of her lying to me and what she must think of me as a result. I was basically her caretaker and did anything she wanted because I loved her and wanted her to get better and wanted to make her home life different than her previous one so she could feel healthy and happy. So for her to suddenly not trust me and not share that she was having feelings for someone else just gutted me.

As a result of all that, I cannot answer this question with any kind of certainty. I was trying to figure out what it was that was hanging me up on this recovery stuff, and I think that this may be a huge part of it. It really ties into the confusion/disbelief that I'm feeling that makes me feel sick. I just don't know what she feels about me. The lying makes it really hard to listen to anything she says. Not saying that I would take her back if she really did "love me" or if she really was "sorry", but I think I could stop thinking about it a whole lot more if I had a direct and honest answer. Like even if it was "I was just using you until I was over my ex lying to me" or "I was only using you to escape my homelife" I would be satisfied. It would be honest and I would move on to the next step.

Here's the link to the video:
VIDEO | Anger Management for Everyone - Noah Elkrief

Don't know how to embed

[vortex of confusion]

Your post is very interesting. I haven't had a chance to watch the video. I have tried to ask myself similar questions and I cannot come up with a satisfactory answer.

For me, I think the actual answer is that there is NO clear answer. The lack of a clear answer is the source of the confusion and hurt for me. It is like trying to solve a math problem. You keep plugging things into the formula and get frustrated because you are not able to solve the equation and come up with a clear cut answer. It is easy to think that because you have plugged everything into the equation you will get some kind of an answer. I know I have spent a lot of time trying to plug things into the formula to try to come up with a satisfactory answer. That is what can keep a person stuck.

I spent a lot of years of my life with a person that was able to drop me without really looking back. I had two boyfriends before I met my ex almost 20 years ago. I have thought about those break ups and neither one of those was nearly as upsetting. The reason is that I knew for a fact how those guys felt about me. I knew exactly how I felt about them and I knew why we broke up. There were some grey areas and uncertainties but there wasn't a question about how they felt about me.

[Caretaker2]

As someone with a B.S. in mathematics, I understand completely. In fact I think the analogy you used is super accurate. When I would take exams in my university, I would often get bad scores simply because there would be one problem I spent way too much time trying to solve, despite having the necessary formulas. Since I had the formula ready to use, the fact that I wasn't getting a correct answer bothered me so much that I wouldn't have enough time to complete the rest of the problems to the best of my ability.

Here in this situation, I think I need to move on to other issues like reconnecting with loved ones and trying to get the rest of my future replanned. If I spend too much time worrying what she must think about me, I will inevitably miss opportunities that allow me to forward from the state I'm in right now.

Your response was very articulate and resonated very deeply with me. I still have issues with those types of problems with math exams I currently take, its very hard to break. But the fact I can think about my issue here with that kind of analogy I think will really help me moving forward. Thank you very much for the reply.