Advice needed

[Popcorn33]

Hi. My husband has BPD and im struggling to cope with the daily stress and pressure that comes with a particularly bad episode. I dont want it to break us but i dont know what to do and know my efforts and techniques in the past have maybe been way off mark so looking for new ideas from others who have been in my situations. Thanks in advance

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

Hi Popcorn33 and welcome  

Yes, being the SO of a pwBPD can be stressful daily. Episodes of dysregulation can be very difficult to handle and can throw our plans. My experience of this--as well as others--is exhaustion.

I think it's helpful to you to be here if you're looking to figure out what kind of efforts are effective. You're in the right place. I didn't know how ineffective I was with my partner until I started looking at methods specific for handling pwBPDs. So I think you're a bit ahead here.  

I think these two would be helpful to you. One, a qualified therapist or psychiatrist to keep you grounded. Two, learn about validation. Both of these helped me tremendously.

I hope you find peace.  

[Popcorn33]

Hi. Thanks for replying. I will definatley heed your advice. Wr have been together 7 years and married for 4 and i can generally cope with day to day but as it seems to be getting worse with more frquent larger episodes im finding my techniques are not as effective and may even be making things worse.

Thanks again

[gotbushels]

Do let us know how you progress and how things go. It's normal to discuss ways how we handle our relationships here--what works and what doesn't--why things go south when they should've gone north. If you trust your gut enough to feel that things may be getting worse, I think you'll benefit from these discussions. Good luck. 

[Popcorn33]

So generally im a believer that communication works but we seem to communicate on different levels. Is there a way i can express my opinion annd feelings in a way that he wont take as a criticism or dig. Its almost ad tho there is no room for me to have a tough time n that frustrates me plus he seems shocked that i struggle at times.
Thanks again

[gotbushels]

I'd like to hear other peoples' opinions on what works for them to avoid statements sounding like criticisms.

For now Popcorn33 I would consider picking the timing.

For example, if you're looking to express your opinion or feelings, it may not be a fruitful idea when your partner is in a highly sensitive state. Pick a better timing.

We're all here to help each other.  These relationships can seem to involve a lot of unwanted criticism--that's hard. What are you currently doing about this issue? 

[Popcorn33]

At the moment things have settled again so i am looking for new ideas like the one you offered for when thibgs next get really tough. Im the first to admit i will have got things wrong and will never be angry at anyone one here or otherwise who can offer ideas and insight as to how i can improve how i handle things. So right now im looking to learn whatever i can so i dont keep getting it wrong. Timing is a big part of it but not always easy to judge in the heat of the moment. Im very passionate and emotional which i know wont help so im trying to manage that for now on a personal level. And yes i agree the more ideas the better my chances as everyones experiences are differenteveryones to listen and learn so dont be afraid to be honest with me even if what you need to suggest may seem cruel or harsh. Thanks in advance

[gotbushels]

Okay Popcorn33. Yes, many of us search for ideas when things get really tough. It's times like this where a solution will help the most. I think I understand you here.

Since things have settled, I think now is a very good time to practice the validation I mentioned earlier. I think you're very fortunate to have found this site because a lot of the structure is a result of a lot of research by people that share situations like yours. Therefore, much of the best things--I feel--have been filtered through into these pages. Validation is one of them. The idea is best used in practice--so perhaps when you've had a look at validation, will you share one the difficulties during the conflict in your relationship? Pick one during a "particularly bad episode".

You're right about timing being difficult to judge in the heat of the moment. This is very accurate as it's during the heat of the moment when we may feel most compelled to enter a conflict. This is not helpful when it's that time that's the best time to not enter it. Good observation. 

Moreover--rather than seeing emotional sensitivity as something that doesn't help, can you see how being an emotionally sensitive person can actually help you to pinpoint these timings better?

I encourage you to exercise some self-compassion during this time. You don't always have to be the one to get 100% of the solutions in a relationship--you don't always have to be the one to have the right answer on who is wrong on a given thing. Yes, put in the effort you think an issue deserves, but I think a big part of self-compassion is learning when to let some of these things go. That helped me a lot.