New Marriage to BPD-Should I stay or should I go?

[slsfaith3]

Hello:

I am new as of today to this community.  I am seeking help and advice as to whether to stay and support my new husband (of 20 months) who had been recently been diagnosed by his therapist as having BPD although never formally.  After many months of denial, and seeking new advice and hoping that he may have been wrong, I have again picked up the book his therapist suggested I read, "Walking on Eggshells" and have really started to see and uncover all of the day to day similarities. 

I go back and forth daily, sometimes hourly as to whether I should stay.  I also  feel incredibly stupid as there were many red flags and reasons not to continue the relationship early on.  However, I loved him right from the start. He was charming and good to my children and fun to be with. He said would go to counseling and the ends of the earth to deal with his mood swings and temper so I would feel comfortable, and we could eventually be married.  He did everything he promised and after two years of being together, I and my kids felt he had done the work and everything was headed in the right direction.  Everything was good and workable until about 6 months into the marriage. Then his Mother passed away and between very short bouts of newlywed bliss things have been mostly miserable, lonely, scary and downhill from there.  We have been in counseling now for about year total and now have two different counselors working with us separately and together. 

I still love my husband, but I am becoming more and more distant and discouraged.  As a self recognized codependent, I fully admit I really want to be the one who finally helps him figure out his struggles and sticks by him.  We are also 51 and 52, and really want to fight for our marriage.  As far as "huge red flag" number one... .I am his fifth wife I a now sure this is due to the BPD and he is my third husband due my codependency issues from childhood and wanting to help people and change their worlds. I realize I may not be able to stay but also thought I would give this one good honest, last try, and decided to be open and honest and seek out the right resources.  My husband is a loving man, but he is never wrong and if you challenge him or say something he doesn't like he responds in total anger... .he is condescending, childlike never accepting responsibility for his actions.  He is very selfish and thinks everything is everyone else's fault.  You think after 4 failed marriages he would accept responsibility, but he does not... .the former wives were all losers and ruined everything.  I really need some guidance and input as to how to deal with all of this.  I am starting to get very depressed... .I am overwhelmed and stressed out and so are my children.  They too love him and want to see him get help.  Although he is not willing to accept fault, he is VERY willing to go to counseling and does not want to lose us.  Any advice, support and kindness in how I should deal with this would be forever appreciated.  Thank you so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

Hi slsfaith3,

Welcome to BPD Family.  You will find a myriad of support from other members and plenty of lessons (bar on the right side) to help as well.  Many of us have gone through situations similar to yours and we're here to provide a welcome ear when needed.

It's definitely great that your husband is willing to work with a counselor.  It's also wonderful that his relationship with your children has been going well.  I can also tell that you do truly care about his personal well being.

As I'm sure you have read, acceptance of fault is an extremely difficult thing to do for an individual suffering from BPD symptoms.  For this individual, being "at fault" equates to being a "bad person", a feeling that is often avoided because of the intense pain it brings.  Rather than admitting fault, an individual with these symptoms may begin to change their outlook of the world around them (such as blaming the ex-wives for the marital troubles) or prevent the feeling from taking root (such as becoming condescending and angry at times of confrontation). 

This doesn't mean we should help another avoid accountability, rather we just do it in a different way, through the use of boundaries and natural consequences.  There is a lesson on setting boundaries on the right hand bar that goes deeper into how this works.


I'm really sorry to hear his mother passed away.  Unfortunately, a death of a loved one is often a trigger to many behaviors.  This is because it reinforces one of the greatest fears of anyone with symptoms of BPD, a fear of abandonment.  I believe it could definitely be a major contributor to the escalated behaviors you're experiencing.

It's great you want to help him through his struggles.  There are many resources here you can use to help learn the best ways to do so.  Many of the most beneficial ones are on the sidebar to the right.  The lessons on "listening with empathy", "don't be invalidating", and "surviving confrontation and disrespect" can help with communication, and decrease the intensity of the confrontations.

Positive behavior support is one of the most effective ways to improve the overall quality of the relationship.  The idea is to focus on the positives rather than the negatives.  I usually try to give ten statements  that could be viewed in a positive light (such as I like how you... ., that is a nice... ., thank you for... ., etc.) to every one negative one (such as bringing up a boundary issue).  When this occurs, it significantly minimizes the behaviors that occur after a perceived negative statement.  The second lesson "Tools:  communication validation, and reinforcement of good behavior" goes deeper into this concept.

Hoping the best for you and your husband,

- Staying Steady

[slsfaith3]

Dear Staying Steady-

Thank you so much for you insight and support.  This is exactly what I need to understand how to deal with BPD behavior and learn how to take care of myself and my children.  I will definitely use the tools/lessons to the right that you suggested.  I am nervous about the future, but have felt a calmness come over me since I read your reply and found the site.  Thank you, hope to chat again!

[Chalk1]

Its not anyone's place to tell you whether or not to fight for the marriage or leave, but all I can say from my personal struggles with a BPD Wife (15 years) and from most everyone's experiences on this forum, is that the marital issues only get worse in intensity and frequency over time.   Very rarely does it ever get better, and if it does, it becomes tolerable at best --- at best.  And when  say tolerable, it means having to walk on eggshells to avoid family drama less than before --- that part NEVER goes away

Ive had three therapists in my life and all three of them told me that they refuse to treat people with BPD --- why?  Because they are close to impossible to help

[livednlearned]

Hi slsfaith3,

Welcome and hello 

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. That's probably the most important piece to consider -- how to build or maintain the emotional strength required.

As a person who struggles with codependency, the challenge for you may be managing your own anxiety when you put your needs first, before his.

Sometimes, it comes down to language and how to phrase things. It can also be about timing. And then, it will be having the strength to set boundaries.

For example, you may decide to talk to him when his emotions are regulated. It sounds like he goes through tender cycles, which is good. During those cycles, maybe let him know that you won't be yelled at, and that when it happens next, you will leave the room or leave the house, and will return once you feel centered.

Then do it. (This part is super important).

No need to discuss what happened or make a big fuss about it -- he is BPD so his moods triggered and he went into the red zone. You took care of yourself and left the house to avoid being yelled at. Case closed.

He may not even remember exactly what triggered him or why, and if you are centered, then he won't go into a shame spiral about doing something to hurt you.

There are all kinds of ways to manage these experiences. None are easy, mostly because the changes will come from you.

It's way more fun to hope that other people will change