yeah, good point jhkbuzz. Or somehow being on good terms with my exes (and this one in particular) has become a "need" of mine. I've got lots of work to do to interrogate why that may be so and what I can do about it.
I had a lot of work to do, too. It took me time. For a long time I thought I wanted
some way for my ex and I to be part of one another's lives. When I was in that headspace I was often thinking about all the reasons why I fell in love with her and all of the good times we shared. In that headspace I also would get "amnesia" about the flip side - about how awful things could (and did) get.
Time and distance gave me a much clearer perspective. Therapy helped me understand why I am predisposed to minimize my own needs and endure quite a bit of pain in my r/s's. It also helped me understand why I have a difficult time protecting myself from those who say they "love" me but who are emotionally abusive. (That last issue is residual from my r/s with my mom).
Sometimes I would imagine a trusted friend giving me advise about what to do. Some people call this your "wise mind." If I had been tempted to have dinner or go see my ex or whatever, I could ask this "imaginary" protector/friend. The answer was swift and clear, and always in my best interest.
Maybe you don't need my imaginary friend ! You knew instantly that dinner wasn't a good idea. Perhaps you just need to practice listening to yourself
the first time.
