Disappointed, sad and lonely

[peacemountain]

For the past few months, I've been working on the tools here on the site. I feel I've created some good boundaries and have been able to apply them, improved my validation, and improved my self care. The conflict in our relationship has reduced dramatically.

The problem is that the relationship is not really a fulfilling, enjoyable, or happy one. In short, there really is no relationship. We simply live in the same house and do things with the kids together. I'm sure this was likely the case all along, but coming to the realization of what I'm dealing with here has created what I can only describe as detachment. Yes, the pain of constant conflict and abuse has significantly decreased. But, I have come to the place where I'm avoiding spending time with him because I'm protecting myself from the constant criticism, complaints, anger and self focused behavior.

I'm disappointed and sad that our marriage is not and likely never will be an intimate companionship. I guess in a way, I'm grieving what I thought this companionship and family life would be. I'm lonely, living with a man that seems to only want me around for what I can provide to make him feel better. Yes, I distance myself to protect myself, but in that distance there an emptiness and void. I'm trying to fill it somewhat with supportive friends and healthy activities, but those don't fully address the emptiness that I feel when I wake in the night and realize that the inches separating us might as well be miles.

Just reading this... .Stage 4: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bananas2]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think many of us here can relate to being at this point in our relationships. I know I can, bc I'm in that place now.

I'm grieving what I thought this companionship and family life would be.

I found that I've posted quite a bit about grief. Grieving the relationship that once was or what you hoped would be but never materialized. It's such a strange type of loss bc the person you are grieving is still there - a constant reminder of what you have lost. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I highly suggest it. I know my therapist has helped me a great deal with working through the grief process. Also learning about "radical acceptance" has helped.

Congratulate yourself daily on your accomplishments: Finding and using the tools, creating boundaries, and your dedication to self-care. I wish I had more suggestions to help, but maybe knowing that you are not alone - that you have a family here on this site to listen - can provide you some comfort. 

[isilme]

peacemountain,

I just want to point out that the now that is your life is not necessarily the future of your life, just as it's changed in some good ways from the past.  Making the kinds of changes needed to improve living with a pwBPD takes time.  It also takes time for you to heal.  Grieving is part of healing.  You are barely in a stage where you are living with decreased drama, and like a person coming out of a cast, you are looking for how to use your limbs again.  Detachment is a normal step in reducing pain.  Avoidance is also a normal step.  You are trying to get stronger, and like your immune system needs time to recover from an infection, your body and soul need time to recover and rethink how things can and will work from now on.  A few months is great progress, but's it's hardly indicative of a lifetime.  And your H needs time to adjust, too, as you are stronger, as you enable less, validate more, and stick to boundaries and change the dynamic to a new normal.  He CAN learn to treat you better, but it takes time and sadly it will take consistency from you.  And for you to decide if you like the new normal, or if it's still lacking what you want.

I usually feel very close to my H, but can detach when things get ugly and he dysregulates.  We have been together 21 years almost.  I only learned about BPD about 2008, so the first decade was full of conflict and confusion.  H has managed to grow.  We had a big issue come out Sunday night, but he did not rage.  He did not rant and overall, he was able to behave like a 'normal' person.  But, just Thursday last week, he dysregulated all day over me missing a couple of messages from him and not hearing his breakfast request right. 

I see BPD as living with a person with an emotional condition like diabetes that needs constant maintenance, but sometimes CAN be managed.  Sometimes it will still need a shot of insulin, but with time and practice episodes can be less frequent and less destructive.  It can't be "cured".  But it can be managed and people CAN live with it.  You as the "non" will always have a heavier emotional load to be less triggered by insults, to be more validating, and be the one to enforce boundaries as needed.  I try to differentiate between the BPD and my H.  It helps me take less offense at some of the things he says or does.  Much like how a person whose blood sugar is suddenly high or low can act irrationally, H can act irrationally.  And so I try to ignore the symptoms and treat the person. 

It's hard to take that honest look at the shared life ahead and truthfully admit that your H is not going to be able in all cases to be and do all you may want (but that's true even in r/s with people who don't have PDs).  Look at how life would be totally without him, and how it could be with him, give yourself little checkpoint - how will he be by the end of summer?  By Christmas?  What's my absolute, nope, not taking this any more limit?  Has he improved at all, yet, or is it all just you?  While we can't change them, only ourselves, we CAN influence how they behave simply as we modify our own behavior.  In a way, stepping back, taking breaks, being less available for abuse forces a pwBPD with learn some self-soothing over time, to see you less as their total emotional supply, and sets a new standard for how to interact.

I hope that makes sense.  Intimacy, closeness, these ARE possible, but it may take a lot longer than you feel like giving.  And that's okay. 

[peacemountain]

Wow, thank you both for your reply. bananas2 for the companionship and isilme for your perspective. You've given me a lot to process. I'm sure I'll have to read through it several times for it to really click, but I think you're on to something.

I actually took a huge risk yesterday because my H opened up via text (for some reason, it's more difficult for him to do these things f2f) about feeling distant and sensing that I was unhappy. I told him that I've noticed myself avoiding him because I feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable when he seems irritated or angry. I told him that I know it doesn't help our relationship, but that i'm struggling to find better ways to address it. I asked him if he's been unhappy of late and if there's anything that we can change to improve the situation.

The plus is that he took this very well and actually initiated some self reflection and correction. (The key horray here is that he didn't come back to me to fix things nor did he get defensive) I've noticed a significant reduction in his angry outbursts and he's been initiating activities and time spent to draw us closer together.

So yes, for every change in the relationship, there's an adjustment that happens within the relationship to "re-balance" to a new normal, hopefully moving closer to the end goals of improved intimacy and companionship that I think we both desire.

Isilme, thanks for encouraging me to continue to be patient and to reflect on progress. It's easy to get worn down by the constant cycle of highs and lows and the ugliness that can sometimes eat away at who you are as a person.

And bananas2, I'm so thankful to know I'm not alone anymore. Thank you