I'm new here. Hello

[secretsquirrel]

I am not sure I liked being forced to choose from those few options. That is not how I would best describe my situation. I would like to improve my relationship but also I have been through 4 years of emotional abuse and when I think of our future together I am not happy.
Something suddenly changed back then and I was no longer her friend and ally, I was now her enemy. I am damaged too and I could relate to a lot of her pain and trauma. I have sought help for my issues and am 5 years clean and sober. I am still reaching out for help and support especially in the last year as I had become very isolated and was taking much of her abuse on board. I'm quite codependent and had slipped back into care taking. I am trying to learn again how to maintain boundaries and not get manipulated.
I wasn't sure why she was treating me with such contempt, and the lack of empathy was starting to become very apparent. I came across some youtube videos about  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (in particular Covert) which seemed to make a lot of sense . my counselor recommended the book stop walking on eggshells which seems to also make a lot of sense to me too.
And now I'm here...
I should also add that she is not always so tough to be around. I really like her. That's why I fell in love. Even when I'm angry with her I still care about her well-being.
thanks for reading

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome SecretSquirrel:   
I'm sorry that you have been through 4 years of abuse and that you aren't happy, when you thing about your future with your partner.  Has your partner gotten any therapy or treatment for any mental illness in the past?  Is she willing to get some therapy now or perhaps go to couple's Therapy?

I am not sure I liked being forced to choose from those few options. That is not how I would best describe my situation. I would like to improve my relationship but also I have been through 4 years of emotional abuse and when I think of our future together I am not happy.     

If you could put a category on your situation, what would it be?  Could "Conflicted or Undecided" better describe your current situation?

  I am trying to learn again how to maintain boundaries and not get manipulated.   

What boundaries are you having trouble with?  You are the one who has to enforce your boundaries consistently.  If you aren't consistent, the result is less effective.  You partner won't generally like your boundaries.  They are for your benefit and protection.

Are you able to share some examples of ways she abuses you?

There are lots of links to helpful lessons in the margin to the right of this post.  You might want to review your understanding about boundaries.  The other lessons in the "Basic Tools" section are additional lessons to tackle after a refresh on boundaries. 

We look forward to hearing more of your story.

Take care.

[secretsquirrel]

I'm not really used to writing in message boards. Now that I have read the guidelines I can see why threads are put in these different categories.

It might take me some time to become completely acquainted with how it all works. if the thread should be moved I can understand. Maybe "Conflicted or Undecided" would be a better place for it as I am in two minds.
Is it ok to read and write in different boards as long as it adheres to the guidelines of that group? I'm guessing so.
if so that is good because I would really like support from people who are trying to maintain a relationship with their partner.
That is where I'm at now.

We managed a few weeks in couples therapy and I'm really glad that she gave it a try. It was her first time with any kind of therapy and I know that can be scary. It brought out a lot of anger and fear in her and things got a lot worse at those times. At times she used threats of leaving me if I used certain words like "control" or "fair" or said that I would not or was unable to do as she had asked me (told me).  I had been getting some support and was able to conquer my fear of abandonment and said that if she did really want to leave me that I would accept that. She now remembers it as me trying to leave her and it has now been used as manipulation to make me feel guilty. "you don't really want me because you tried to leave me".
One of my struggles with boundaries is that I don't want to have somebody tell me: what I am feeling, what I think or lie to me about what has happened. I don't want it to compromise my having a voice or asserting that there is something I am not able or willing to do. Has anyone got any advice on this?
There is hope in my life and I am learning to refuse to allow myself to be a victim anymore.
She has an appointment for CBT therapy coming up and this is another big step in the right direction for her to find some recovery.

I will come back tomorrow with some examples of abuse as I am getting tired. I will also read the stuff about boundaries that you suggested.

Thank you!