Hi everyone.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my first time on a board like this and I sure need help. The story is long and I don't want to take up a lot of room so I'll try to give you the shortened version.
My slightly older sister was diagnosed with BPD when she was in her 20's but looking back now I see she had it from the time she was probably about 9. My father also had a personality disorder and together they regularly took out their frustrations on me verbally and physically. I laid low as much as I could as a child and withdrew into books and my pets and was basically a loner. My sister started getting into heavy trouble in her early teens and started running away from home, having promiscuous sex and getting into drugs and alcohol. I tried to be the perfect child since she was giving them enough trouble for several children. I was very depressed and anxious but my parents didn't seek help for me and in fact ignored the abuse. I left home at 17 and got married and God blessed me with a wonderful man whom I am still married to 36 years later. I have avoided my sister except when we have to get together for holidays. She lives in a different state and I like the distance. A few weeks ago my father passed away in another state. He was cremated and his ashes were shipped to Arkansas where he was originally from and had some property. We are having a memorial service for him in a few weeks which I am planning. There was no will and it is complicated but I'm having daily e-mail conversations with my sister. I no longer answer her phone calls after she had one of her rageful conversation with me last week. The probate process could take up to a year which means I have to deal with her. Honestly after this last venomous phone call which lasted 23 minutes (why didn't I just hang up?) I don't want to have anything to do with her and it is only because my father would have wanted us to peacefully do this that I'm hanging in there until the legal issues are out of the way. At that point I want to have her out of my life although I know that is probably not possible. I am trying to understand BPD but am frustrated that there is so little written for abused siblings and how to handle it. I would love to hear from you if you have advice or have been in a similar situation with a BPD sibling. Thank you!

[porch swing]

This is my first time on a board like this and I sure need help. The story is long and I don't want to take up a lot of room so I'll try to give you the shortened version.
My slightly older sister was diagnosed with BPD when she was in her 20's but looking back now I see she had it from the time she was probably about 9. My father also had a personality disorder and together they regularly took out their frustrations on me verbally and physically. I laid low as much as I could as a child and withdrew into books and my pets and was basically a loner. My sister started getting into heavy trouble in her early teens and started running away from home, having promiscuous sex and getting into drugs and alcohol. I tried to be the perfect child since she was giving them enough trouble for several children. I was very depressed and anxious but my parents didn't seek help for me and in fact ignored the abuse. I left home at 17 and got married and God blessed me with a wonderful man whom I am still married to 36 years later. I have avoided my sister except when we have to get together for holidays. She lives in a different state and I like the distance. A few weeks ago my father passed away in another state. He was cremated and his ashes were shipped to Arkansas where he was originally from and had some property. We are having a memorial service for him in a few weeks which I am planning. There was no will and it is complicated but I'm having daily e-mail conversations with my sister. I no longer answer her phone calls after she had one of her rageful conversation with me last week. The probate process could take up to a year which means I have to deal with her. Honestly after this last venomous phone call which lasted 23 minutes (why didn't I just hang up?) I don't want to have anything to do with her and it is only because my father would have wanted us to peacefully do this that I'm hanging in there until the legal issues are out of the way. At that point I want to have her out of my life although I know that is probably not possible. I am trying to understand BPD but am frustrated that there is so little written for abused siblings and how to handle it. I would love to hear from you if you have advice or have been in a similar situation with a BPD sibling. Thank you!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  Porch Swing:    
I'm so sorry about your abusive past and your current situation with your sister, and the death of your father.   I have great empathy for what you are going through with your sister in regard to your father's estate.

My sister developed very strong BPD traits when both our parent's health began to fail and they both passed within 6 months of each other.  My sister and I were "co" on everything: financial and medical power of attorneys and co-trustees on our parent's trust.  I have a taste regarding how difficult it can get. 

SETTING  BOUNDARIES  should be helpful.  Boundaries are for you and your benefit.  You will be the one to enforce them consistently.

One boundary to use when she gets abusive during phone calls is to say something like this in a calm voice:  "It's important to me that we have a mutually respectful conversation.  That doesn't appear to be possible right now.  I need to let you go and we can talk at another time.  (then just hang up the phone, don't let her keep talking, just go)

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS is another skill you will find helpful.  It instructs you to don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).

You can't change your sister.  The only thing you can do is use boundaries and various communication skills that can make things better for you.

If you want to share some examples of your sister's behaviors with us, we can help guide you to some more lessons.  Some people like to read lessons and then come back to their thread to  check their understanding and practice some skills.

We look forward to hearing more of your story and supporting you through this difficult time.

PS:  Click on the green words above to get to the lesson links.

[porch swing]

Thank you for your reply! I hope this is how I reply to you and also so everyone else can see it. Let me fill in a few details. I was afraid of writing too much before. So, to give you more details.

First I can't leave out that I also have a much younger sister who didn't see the side of my abusive father and my BPD sister had left home by the time my younger sister had any memories of BPD sis.

My BPD sis is very manipulative and charismatic and is even good at her job. She tries to fool people and anytime I try to talk to my younger sister about BPD sis she says she doesn't care and doesn't want to hear it. My mom just says she just wants us all to get along. I have stopped reaching out to them for validation. It is extremely hurtful.

My husband and children have seen the real her and understand and believe me. I've also seen a therapist for years for depression and social anxiety and of course BPD sis has been the main topic lately. Because my depression has been so bad lately my therapist and my family want me to limit my contact with her to almost nothing. If it wasn't for the memorial service and my dad's financial affairs I would be REALLY tempted. It's not the time yet but I really feel like I need to disconnect with her eventually.

I'm only now learning about BPD and I realize if I had known how to deal with the disease earlier I could have learned to set boundaries much earlier before so much damage had been done by her.

Here are the things she's done that have hurt me personally. She caused other problems for my parents but right now this is from my perspective. From my earliest memories (we're 17 months apart) I remember her mood swings and learned I couldn't trust her with my feelings, secrets, etc... .As she got close to puberty she verbally and physically abused (punching, kicking, pushing, hair pulling) me regularly. Both of our parents worked all day so there was a lot of time. Though I remember mostly bad memories with her she would also sometimes be very nice and I would think she was changing and I would make myself vulnerable and then get hurt again. That pattern still happens although I'm trying very had to no longer making myself vulnerable. 

I couldn't turn to my parents because they were overwhelmed and didn't want to hear it so I tried to be the perfect child. I was afraid of my dad and his moods because he also had some kind of volatile personality disorder and he took everything out on me.

After I got married, years went by when I didn't see her. I heard she got deeply into substance abuse and married and divorced three times, had two children who no longer talk to her and tried to commit suicide.

A few years later she called me and was threatening suicide again so I called my mom. My mom had had enough of her at that time and didn't even want to get involved so it was my husband and I that got her into rehab that time. Because we were paying for it, we were privy to the doctor's confirmation of the BPD diagnosis. When she got out she came to visit for awhile which was extremely hard. She stole money from us and disappeared again.

In the last few years she would call and just like the book "Walking on Eggshells" says, I would say something wrong and she would start on a tirade and then hang up on me. For some reason I have trouble hanging up on her. It's almost like I feel like I deserve it and I'm really afraid of her. I take it personally and end up severely depressed again and I have been hospitalized twice myself for depression.

That brings us to the present. My father passed away suddenly recently and in her last phone call she said the nastiest things to me including that I'm lazy and good for nothing, that I didn't so anything to help my mom, that I never loved my dad but then again he didn't love me either. I tried defending myself and have since learned that is the worst thing I could do. Still, I cannot answer her phone calls anymore. That phone call took so much out of me that I couldn't sleep for days and had to see my therapist every other day for 2 weeks.

Thank you everyone for letting me share my story. It is therapeutic. I would love your support, opinions, etc... .

[porch swing]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for your reply and resources. I have read through them. I still don't have any answers for my particular challenge. I glanced at all of the recent threads and I am overwhelmed at how many people BPD touches. It is very sad that there isn't more help available for both the sufferers and the friends/families. I wish there were more resources for siblings. I know there must be many siblings who feel abused or forgotten or perhaps as I do, as the scapegoat.

I am going to get through my Dad's memorial service and with my husband and therapist's help, get through the long probate process. At that point I'll make up my mind how much I want to let her into my life. I do know that I must forgive her or I will only be hurting myself.

Thank you for allowing me to vent on here. If nothing else, it has been therapeutic just sharing it on this message board.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Porch Swing:   

I hope things go well with your dad's memorial.  I'm glad you have a therapist and husband to help you!

You are right, When you get to the point of forgiveness, it will be a positive thing for you.

Let us know how the memorial service goes.