Saying no

[Dragon72]

I have trouble knowing whether if I am allowing myself to be treated like her doormat, or doing a reasonable request.  Sometimes I feel like I should say "no" more, yet also feel like that would be a selfish act of churlishness.

To give an example: this evening my wife went to bed, as she does every night, with our 3 year old son at about 7.30pm, leaving me on my own for the evening.
At around 8pm, she came downstairs in her PJs saying that we only had 3 diapers left in the house and could I walk down to the store (3 minutes walk away) and vet some more?

"3's plenty for the night. Why can't you wait until morning and go yourself?", I reply.
"So at what time am I going to be able to go buy them tomorrow? You're free now. I'm asking you if you can please help me out and go," she says.

In the morning I leave for work at 6am, while she will be going with our son (who normally goes to pre-kindergarten) and her brother and his family on a visit to the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  My wife and her family are very devout.  They'll be going with a very flexible schedule, so there will be time to go out in the morning.

I felt guilty and ended up going and buying the diapers. But now I feel resentful that I let myself be manipulated into doing something she could have done herself.
Its not like I'm a slouch.  Today I worked a 12 hour day, then played with and read to our son while she relaxed, then I fed our son and tucked him into bed while she got ready for bed.  Then she took over as she got into bed with him with the job of getting him off to sleep (which I have long argued that, at 3 years old, he should have learned long ago to do on his own).

Should I have said, "No, you go buy the diapers"?  Or would that be being selfish and lazy?

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[UserZer0]

I'm no expert, but I would suggest that next time something similar happens you use it as an opportunity to set a limit.

"I understand that you are worried that you may not have enough diapers to get you through the night, but I have already worked 12 hours today and need some down time.  I'll get the diapers this time, but from now on  after 8pm you'll have to handle this kind of thing on your own."

Then, if it happens in the future you can remind her that you already discussed this and that you won't be going to get the diapers and she'll have to handle it.

[Dragon72]

I appreciate the reply and agree in essence.
The reason I hesitate is because I know there will be a backlash.

"You worked a 12-hour day? What about me? I clean, I wash, dry and iron clothes and I cook and I look after our son even through the night! Try a 24-hour day!"

And of course, tempted as I would be, I would know better than to respond saying that I help out with all those things, and so does the maid she pays to come in for 5 hours once a week and and so does the school that has our son 4 hours a day every week day, or that it was her choice to be a SAHM. 

Sometimes it's just easier to be a doormat.  I would honestly rather do a 10 minute errand that puts me out, rather than have an argument that results in a week of silent treatment and nonverbal communication of hate in my direction.

[isilme]

I think the issue is less the diapers (I am more likely to run an errand at night to get something like that than want to wait till morning) than it's probably the most recent of many.  So while I'd have been more inclined to get diapers (kids can do amazing things to 3 diapers in one night, and I'd have been concerned myself it would not be enough), I can understand if many other chores, errands, and tasks have been assigned without appreciation, reciprocation, or even thanks.

Chores and errands cause fights in non-PD relationships.  And since one partner in the PD relationship takes on a larger part of the adult responsibility for life in general, it is easy to get tired of always being the one to run errands, to clean up, to work a full day.  H is very, very rarely the one to run any errand.  I have to be sick, running a 102+ fever on the couch for him to offer, usually. 

Now, here's my question - instead of asking her to go in the morning, as she was still awake, could you have suddenly been busy, need a shower before bed, something, and offered to watch the child while SHE threw on some sweatpants and went to get diapers?  There would be pushback, so you'd need to express exactly how you cannot be the one to go.  I bet she'd have decided it could wait till morning if it became evident she was the only one able to go. 

[ArleighBurke]

I like the idea of "I'll watch the kids - YOU go to the shop" - but of course that'll also cause an arguement!

Sometimes it's just easier to be a doormat.  I would honestly rather do a 10 minute errand that puts me out, rather than have an argument that results in a week of silent treatment and nonverbal communication of hate in my direction.

To paraphrase this in a better light: "choose your battles". I behave the same - but I also try to make the most of the opportunity - I'll walk the dog to the shops, or use the time to plan my day tomorrow, or take my ipad with my favourite track mix to pick me up.

Is there a chance that "acts of service" is her love language? (Do you know about the 5 love languages? Google it if you don't). Perhaps she sees little things like this as you "loving and looking after her".

[Dragon72]

Is there a chance that "acts of service" is her love language? (Do you know about the 5 love languages? Google it if you don't). Perhaps she sees little things like this as you "loving and looking after her".

My whole waking life with her is spent performing little acts of service. From fixing her breakfast before she's out of bed at weekends to ironing her clothes to bringing her a glass of lemonade on a hot day to mopping floors in order to lighten her workload to buying diapers on a school night at 8pm. 

The point of this thread is that I want to do less of these acts of service because I feel like I am being taken for granted at best and taken advantage of at worst.  She certainly doesn't look like she's gratified in any way when I perform acts of service for her. She tends to try to find fault in what I've done rather than enjoy the favors.

In truth I think her love language is material gifts.