confused but hopeful on shifting attitude from pwBPD

[bolted]

Hello again.

So, I last had a thread wherein my partner had made me feel like she was accusing me of being a DV abuser.

I guess this is the follow up and I am unsure of how to process the latest information and would like someone to say something : ) I feel this is a bit too personal about my wife than to share with my mates or family that she knows. My own stuff I dont mind talking to them about.

Essentially she contacted properly to organise dinner and a chat with me after about 10 days of NC, and the domestic violence stuff mentioned above.

She said that the morning she broke down and finally went for help she reached out to a lady (unknowingly) at work who had recently left a very violent relationship. My wife told me that she basically took her reaching out as her covertly saying SHE was being hit/threatened etc. She was then sent to a all womens DV clinic that kept jamming bias down her throat, and kept saying that even if she was attacking me I must be abusing her in some way. After 3 sessions in 3 days she said she took the easy option, just went with it and blamed me in her head, and to others, for the lot.

She also said that after some serious soul searching and some space she knows that isn't reality and that she has realised it isnt that she doesn't know where she ends and I begin, its that she doesn't have any sense of self, its all 'me' in her head.

She said she wants help with personal development in a big way and that something has been wrong for a long time and she knows and wants to take the time to unpack that. she said the lying, the self sabotage, the inability to be independant or make better choices, the rage, the lack of a sense of self all is terrorising her and she wants to find out why.

I said that I'm pretty sure I have a problem with:
 - being sensitive to withholding of love (perceived or real - I dunno. how sensitive am I - I dunno)
- for not reacting to that like most people would (I dunno how just different - loss of interest, grudges, whatever but not just forgiving and waiting/begging for love)
- that at my worst in our relationship I think my behaviour, language and demeanour was terrible... .and I think that next to everytime it was me reacting to this problem in me.

I would just love to have been able to ask more and find out stuff for days, but I did my best to thank her, validate and offer her my ownership of my problems and take the conversation to a happier place after this discussion (no idea, I just didn't want to hold her near stress).

I guess I took that as about as positive a sign as possible for her, me and our relationship. She said she wants to eat better, find herself and her problems and to maintain a relationship while she works through that, but not live together for an undetermined length of time (close). I said I am trying to work on me with my T to find out more about my sensitivities and I'm that I'm trying to find a way to process my pain without reaching to her and to give her space if I'm going stick around through whatever this will turn into.

I'm just clueless as to whether or not that is even moderately positive to someone who may have more experience in relationships (proffesional or otherwise) or if that mirrors anyone elses BPD relationship that improved (BPD is not diagnosed)

thoughts? anything's better than none

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bolted]

I should mentioned I honoured no contact until she contacted me - after my initial failing on the first day... .and have asked her about my communications most times we contact and whether she is comfortable with it at the end.

[Meili]

I find it to be positive.

The important thing here, though, is how you feel about all of this.

What are your thoughts?

[bolted]

I think I am starting to ___ with my own head to be honest : ( I have another appointment with T on Monday, and I do really want to support my partner and keep lines of comms open and work on our marriage (including couple counselling) but I am starting to question whether I can offer that... .like really understand what I am offering and be sure I have the strength. She is going through the list of every way she normally get a reaction from me and it is becoming very cruel, but she is also very sick, and I love and want to support her.

I am a usually a very rational and plain thinking man day to day and I am starting to feel like I am losing touch with reality a bit if I am honest.

A few mates have warned me about how complex the human brain is and what I might be doing to myself here.

I guess the real kicker is I dont even know what I am dealing with here. it could be anything... .BPD ticks a lot of boxes, but that doesn't mean anything concrete.


I think maybe increasing my T visits is my best bet right now

[bolted]

I am also starting to think my reaction to all this is odd. I should not be taking what is going on and offering love and support, I should have a markedly different reaction I believe. Like refusing to allow destruction and pain from a loved one over a long period of time and letting them know that I will not support or allow that in MY life. But I don't... .

and these sorts of thoughts are were I am starting to wonder if I am not 'grounded' as well as I normally am

[Meili]

Given your situation, your response is pretty normal for those who have gone through similar experiences. You only need to read the threads of others here to see that you are not alone in responding as you are.

I remember questioning what I was doing and why. Even as I start a new relationship (friends, not romantic) with my dBPDexw, I wonder why I am doing it? There are several reasons that I am. The most important to me being because it's what I want to do. With my uBPDexgf, the person who brought me here, my motivations were completely different. I was stuck in "white knight" mode.

What do you think is keeping you in your situation? Answering that question for yourself could provide you with a great deal of strength in times when you feel weak.

It will also probably help to take a look at yourself and your role in the relationship. When you start examining your own behaviors and the motives behind them, you can start to change them. Have you read the lesson on    Understanding your role in the relationship? I found it quite interesting to learn how I contributed to my situation.

[bolted]

Thankyou very much.