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Author Topic: BPDmother/ family, previous ex's BPD/narcs, current romantic partner has BPD  (Read 418 times)
lucky013
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 75


« on: March 14, 2017, 07:20:06 AM »

Hello, and thanks for reading my post.
I have been reading about psychology for the past three years, since a previous romantic relationship i had to try and understand why i felt like i did as i felt i was going crazy. As it turned out, Id say that 75 percent of my previous romantics were either BPD/narc.
My mother looked after me in terms of living but had neglected me emotionally (she had a drink problem after her partner killed himself)as my father had left at young age but has since been a great dad. However my mother had a series of bad relationships throughout my childhood and didn't exactly give me a great vision of what a relationship should involve.

However i  made a promise to myself around 3 years ago it would be the last time i dated someone with these sorts of problems.
However i have been seeing a girl on and off for 6 months,alot more in the last 8 weeks. she has been diagnosed with BPD (mis dianogised for years) and had been in therapy for years.
 I was more intrigued to start with and kept my distance but more recently has been more difficult to just ditch her as i feel i have been as much of the problem as her issues and insecurities.
Previous relations with BPD partners, i had told them i had loved them etc, however this time round i have never said that i want to be with her in a relationship, as i would be leaving the country to go to Australia.

She said to me a few times, if this isn't going anywhere could we end it however,  i would just give enough to carry on seeing her.
We are both intellectual, have had many interesting conversations and debates about the world etc.

We are kind of care giver to each other, i fix things cars etc, she will do washing, cooking etc.  Though at times i can be very emotionless, when she starts to play up. I won't take any of childish behaviour and sometimes just get up and leave because of the previous relations (feel like she is trying to manipulate me).

I have tried to leave her several times as i have other things in my life that i would like to do and always go back as i feel doing these things with her means i wouldn't grow as a person as if i was to do it on my own.

We both have few friends, for me as i have gotten older my interests have changed and similar to her i believe. We have both have been smoking cannabis for a long time, which i only started again after meeting her, previous that had quit for 4 months.

I believe that we are both the problem in this, me for being emotional unavailable and never have told her that i won't to be a relationship with her, I have suffered from depression for the past 5ish on and off and because she has BPD, i have had such bad experiences with them is there any chance that she could be different (as everything i have read about BPD relationships etc has never ended well)
 I know its not her fault she had BPD, but i shouldn't have to care for her and she shouldn't have to care for me (but i both think that is what we are trying to do ) either, as I'm worried as if this was to develop into a full relationship and 10 years from now knowing that i should of stopped this now.

Do you think it is possible that being in plenty of bad relationships can cause you to develop a personality disorder?
Is there hope for a BPD relationship without one or both losing there minds?

I apologise if this is unclear and a bit of a rant.
I have so many thoughts going on in my head and finding it hard to get out.

Thanks for reading, love to hear from you.

L

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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2017, 09:22:18 AM »

Hi Lucky013,

I commend you for reflecting on your relationship, and your role in it. In my view, that is a healthy attitude to have, although I know it's not easy to look honestly at yourself and your partner and realize that the relationship might not be serving either one of you.

You say your partner is in therapy. How is it going? Does it help her manage the symptoms of BPD?

Do you have a therapist who is helping you with depression?

I know what you mean about both of you taking care of each other. It sounds like you both fulfill some of each other's needs.


Do you think it is possible that being in plenty of bad relationships can cause you to develop a personality disorder?
Is there hope for a BPD relationship without one or both losing there minds?

I don't think being in bad adult relationships can causes a personality disorder. There are genetic and environmental factors that contribute to that.

There is hope for relationships with people with BPD. It takes effort and it can be a challenge. Most things worth having aren't easy.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Here's an excellent article about what it takes to make it:

What Does It Take to Be in a Relationship| BPD

Are you still planning to go to Australia?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
lucky013
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 75


« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 10:23:06 AM »

Hi Lucky013,

I commend you for reflecting on your relationship, and your role in it. In my view, that is a healthy attitude to have, although I know it's not easy to look honestly at yourself and your partner and realize that the relationship might not be serving either one of you.

You say your partner is in therapy. How is it going? Does it help her manage the symptoms of BPD?

She has recently come out of therapy, within last few months.
I would say some of the time she does and others not.
Whenever we do housework/diy she is impossible to work with i have to explain everything im doing even though im a skilled builder with 10 years experience (this really pushes me buttons and so close to ending the relationship there and then). Any form of stress it all goes downhill and


Excerpt

Do you have a therapist who is helping you with depression?

I have close friends, I have realised that i do not take enough action in life and worry about failure. I feel kinda trapped in this relationship now. I do want to keep seeing her as i like her, but can see that if anything doesn't go perfectly right the first time it just gets blown out of pre potion. I don't want to have a relationship like that.

Excerpt

I know what you mean about both of you taking care of each other. It sounds like you both fulfill some of each other's needs.

I don't think being in bad adult relationships can causes a personality disorder. There are genetic and environmental factors that contribute to that.

There is hope for relationships with people with BPD. It takes effort and it can be a challenge. Most things worth having aren't easy.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Here's an excellent article about what it takes to make it:

What Does It Take to Be in a Relationship| BPD

Are you still planning to go to Australia?
I have been stuck in a cycle for past few years and havent really made any chances to my life and that is the main cause of my depression i believe.


Look forward to hearing from you
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2017, 08:09:28 AM »


I have been stuck in a cycle for past few years and havent really made any chances to my life and that is the main cause of my depression i believe.


I don't know what kind or level of depression you are suffering from, but there can be many contributing factors. It sounds like you feel a bit stuck in your life at the moment. Do I have that right?

There is also often a neurochemical component to depression. That's why it's good to get a professional opinion. Some medications can make a big difference. There are also lifestyle changes, such as mindfulness/meditation, that can help.

As you sort out your own issues with depression and worry, things will very probably get better in your relationship, too.

What do you think you can do to help with your feeling stuck right now?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
lucky013
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 75


« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2017, 06:02:52 AM »

I don't know what kind or level of depression you are suffering from, but there can be many contributing factors. It sounds like you feel a bit stuck in your life at the moment. Do I have that right?

There is also often a neurochemical component to depression. That's why it's good to get a professional opinion. Some medications can make a big difference. There are also lifestyle changes, such as mindfulness/meditation, that can help.

As you sort out your own issues with depression and worry, things will very probably get better in your relationship, too.

What do you think you can do to help with your feeling stuck right now?

heartandwhole

Yes i feel very stuck at the moment, i recently left my job, (pay and political reasons), i also didnt find my job that rewarding not that many friends. The only time i can find myself enjoying myself is when im rock climbing.
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