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Author Topic: Recycled, Violence, Extended NC~  (Read 425 times)
aj4599
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« on: March 14, 2017, 09:22:50 PM »

I've posted a few times before, and thought I was finally able to walk away from my uBPD this Christmas after I found out she'd been regularly cheating on me for months. Then I got recycled, gave in, and here we go again. I have a few questions, but please bear with me while I provide context.

Things had been great for about 2 weeks. My SO was even talking about moving cities to move in with me (we live about 3 hours apart - I thought this felt a bit rushed, but was happy she seemed into the relationship). Then this weekend happened.

Woke up Saturday morning, went to get coffee, and she was just in one of those moods where somehow everything I say and do is "irritating." Where I sat. How I looked at her. Really little stuff. As we drove to her parents' house for a party they were having, she commented "it's so sunny... .too bad you haven't replaced the sunglasses I lost that my ex got me even though you said you would." She'd lost them earlier that week.

When I started to respond she just started saying shut up, shut up, and that she didn't love me. I told her that hurt, and she demanded I carry this bag of pretzels for her. When I refused and dropped the bag, she threw her drink at me. I dried off, and we went to the party.

I gave her about 5 hours of space at the party, hoping that would help. I have a great relationship with her parents, so that was easy to do. But when we left, she turned the volume all the way up on the radio. When I turned it down, she started yelling that I never let her do what she wants and bring nothing but misery to her life. She also commented on how I'm an insecure loser. I replied that I do have insecurity issues, but a lot of them come from when she cheated on me. She said it was because her ex was so much better and cooler than me. We exchanged some insults, and then, as I drove the car down the highway, she struck me several times above the eye, splitting my forehead open.

I was trying to keep the car from crashing, and finally pulled over. I couldn't see from all the blood. She laughed at me and told me (in not too kind words) I wasn't a real man. I drove her home, and she wouldn't let me come up to wash up. I had to drive home bleeding. She brought my stuff down and threw it in the street.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't drive with all the blood. It was a 3 hour drive and 1 am. I finally texted her mother, who knows that my SO has been violent before (but not the extent) and once made me promise to come stay with them if my uBPD ever threw me out in the middle of the night (which happens often). It was late, and I didn't want to just show up. I also told my SO that I was going to try and go wash up at her parents' if I couldn't do it at her place, so I could drive home safely.

This got her going. She started insulting me, my parents, and then threatened to kill us. Seriously. It was scary. She commented on my mother's bad health that "luckily she'll be dead soon either way." I just drove away, shaking. Her mother called me back about halfway through my drive, saying the phone was in the other room. We talked. I told her what had happened (again, I'm very close with her, and we've had many long talks). She was furious. She told her husband, my SOs father, and he decided to go talk to her about her violence the next day. This was Saturday night, and he went to talk to her Sunday.

I ended up needing stitches in my head, and I haven't heard from her now in 3 days... .the longest we've gone in the 11 months we've been together. Her mom texted me to say that my SO was furious that I'd told her parents what happened, but they didnt care and were glad I did and that wasn't how she was raised.

So finally, my questions. What is it about revealing who they really are, and how they really act, that serves as such a trigger for people with this disorder? How will that affect her reactions or willingness to reach out to me moving forward? And finally, what the heck triggered this? She has been violent before, but this was one of the most violent, cruel, and scary eruptions/dysregulations I've ever seen, and nothing even really happened to cause it.

Thanks for reading and responding, sorry its long.
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alwayswrong4

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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2017, 10:32:28 PM »

I've posted a few times before, and thought I was finally able to walk away from my uBPD this Christmas after I found out she'd been regularly cheating on me for months. Then I got recycled, gave in, and here we go again. I have a few questions, but please bear with me while I provide context.

Things had been great for about 2 weeks. My SO was even talking about moving cities to move in with me (we live about 3 hours apart - I thought this felt a bit rushed, but was happy she seemed into the relationship). Then this weekend happened.

Woke up Saturday morning, went to get coffee, and she was just in one of those moods where somehow everything I say and do is "irritating." Where I sat. How I looked at her. Really little stuff. As we drove to her parents' house for a party they were having, she commented "it's so sunny... .too bad you haven't replaced the sunglasses I lost that my ex got me even though you said you would." She'd lost them earlier that week.

When I started to respond she just started saying shut up, shut up, and that she didn't love me. I told her that hurt, and she demanded I carry this bag of pretzels for her. When I refused and dropped the bag, she threw her drink at me. I dried off, and we went to the party.

I gave her about 5 hours of space at the party, hoping that would help. I have a great relationship with her parents, so that was easy to do. But when we left, she turned the volume all the way up on the radio. When I turned it down, she started yelling that I never let her do what she wants and bring nothing but misery to her life. She also commented on how I'm an insecure loser. I replied that I do have insecurity issues, but a lot of them come from when she cheated on me. She said it was because her ex was so much better and cooler than me. We exchanged some insults, and then, as I drove the car down the highway, she struck me several times above the eye, splitting my forehead open.

I was trying to keep the car from crashing, and finally pulled over. I couldn't see from all the blood. She laughed at me and told me (in not too kind words) I wasn't a real man. I drove her home, and she wouldn't let me come up to wash up. I had to drive home bleeding. She brought my stuff down and threw it in the street.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't drive with all the blood. It was a 3 hour drive and 1 am. I finally texted her mother, who knows that my SO has been violent before (but not the extent) and once made me promise to come stay with them if my uBPD ever threw me out in the middle of the night (which happens often). It was late, and I didn't want to just show up. I also told my SO that I was going to try and go wash up at her parents' if I couldn't do it at her place, so I could drive home safely.

This got her going. She started insulting me, my parents, and then threatened to kill us. Seriously. It was scary. She commented on my mother's bad health that "luckily she'll be dead soon either way." I just drove away, shaking. Her mother called me back about halfway through my drive, saying the phone was in the other room. We talked. I told her what had happened (again, I'm very close with her, and we've had many long talks). She was furious. She told her husband, my SOs father, and he decided to go talk to her about her violence the next day. This was Saturday night, and he went to talk to her Sunday.

I ended up needing stitches in my head, and I haven't heard from her now in 3 days... .the longest we've gone in the 11 months we've been together. Her mom texted me to say that my SO was furious that I'd told her parents what happened, but they didnt care and were glad I did and that wasn't how she was raised.

So finally, my questions. What is it about revealing who they really are, and how they really act, that serves as such a trigger for people with this disorder? How will that affect her reactions or willingness to reach out to me moving forward? And finally, what the heck triggered this? She has been violent before, but this was one of the most violent, cruel, and scary eruptions/dysregulations I've ever seen, and nothing even really happened to cause it.

Thanks for reading and responding, sorry its long.

Um dude no offense you've got way bigger issues than trying to figure out her reasoning to assault you.

How about we answer the question why you put up with this behavoir...
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aj4599
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2017, 10:50:05 PM »

Um dude no offense you've got way bigger issues than trying to figure out her reasoning to assault you.

How about we answer the question why you put up with this behavoir...

Honestly, I have NO idea. I've broken up with frankly more attractive women for way less. I always said if a woman hit me, or cheated on me, deal-breaker I'm done. And yet here I am.

There's something about this particular dynamic that keeps sucking me back in, and I can't totally explain why. How good the good times are? How close I am with her family? I'm trying not to go back into it this time (this was flat crazy-town, more than I've ever seen even at her worst... .not just the hitting while driving, but threatening my parents?), hence being in this forum. And yet I thought I'd be able to not go back before after the cheating.
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JonnyKrunch

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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2017, 09:47:43 AM »

If the "irritations" start first thing in the morning,what chance is there the day will end well? even if you have ideal conditions. But you get to spend hours alone with her in a car and she can poke at you and poke till you poke back. She sees you acting positively with her parents(which may or may not be an issue with her). And I bet, than when you tell her how bad her behavior is, she doesn't really hear what you are saying and why, all she hears and interprets is you being critical of her and nothing else. And what triggered her could be something else entirely that you will never know about. 
When things are going good it is so easy to forget the other persons bad side and who they are, then when they lash out we act dumbfounded because it doesn't make sense. And it all just keeps getting repeated.

I had violence put upon me very similar to what happened to you, I didn't deserve it and neither did you. Justice only factors in when dealing with rational people, don't forget who you are dealing with.
It took that incident for me to seriously start to look for my character flaw and why I would put up with such nonsense.

Honestly, I have NO idea. I've broken up with frankly more attractive women for way less. I always said if a woman hit me, or cheated on me, deal-breaker I'm done. And yet here I am.

That was me once upon a time.
I told myself that putting up with bad behavior was worth it just so I could continue to experience the incredible good times. I deceived myself into believing that. The good times shrink and the bad times expand, but I kept chasing that high. Good grief, I sound like a junkie.
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Meili
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2017, 10:54:12 AM »

I'm sorry that you are still going through all of that and had to come back here.

None of us can possibly know what triggered the dysregulation. Most likely, it had nothing really to do with what was happening in that moment, and it was something that made a memory from her past resurface. She was probably responding to the emotions that memory created.

Some say that shame is a key component to BPD. When a pwBPD dysregulates, it may cause the person to feel ashamed. This just becomes another trigger and furthers the dysregulation.

Her willingness to reach out later is something else that is unpredictable. Do you want her to do so? Is this a relationship that you want?
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2017, 11:39:15 AM »

So finally, my questions. What is it about revealing who they really are, and how they really act, that serves as such a trigger for people with this disorder?

Shame. This is why they say sunlight is the best disinfectant for domestic violence. You did the right thing. You even gave her choice.

How will that affect her reactions or willingness to reach out to me moving forward?

Relationships deteriorate in stages. If this has been escalating, it has been deteriorating and at some point it is not recoverable.

It's notable that her "after-the-fact" reaction was to be angry for exposure rather than sorry and repentive. This suggests that things are pretty advanced.

And finally, what the heck triggered this? She has been violent before, but this was one of the most violent, cruel, and scary eruptions/dysregulations  I've ever seen, and nothing even really happened to cause it.

Domestic violence escalates in relationships. That's why counselors will advise being very reactive to even small levels of violence.

It's important to realize that this event started with the pretzels. I say that, because you need to see that and exit the situation next time at that stage - at the first sign of aggression. If you had a do-over, dropping the pretzels was an aggressive response. I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm just saying that domestic violence is like a rattlesnake and its important to get out when there is a rattle - not poke the snake. Maybe dropping her off at the party and going home with a "I'm sorry you are upset" might be a better approach if there is a next time.

Right now, I would give this a lot of space. Give her time to return to baseline - get past her violent impulse, get past the shame of being outed to both parents, get past the resentment, and finally see that she was wrong. If she has BPD traits, this can take a few weeks (rather than a few days). Be cool with that. You want her to be sorry and willing to get help (like anger management).

Weeks. Be patient.

You've done everything right so far. You set up a situation she needs to solve with parents and you. You need  to give her time to do it on her own terms. If you reach out, or escalate (fight with her), you are working against having any future with this person.

She may walk away - but honestly, you don't want to be OK with the violence because you will be sending a message that it is distasteful, but ok is some situations.

I know you were given some DV resources by PM. Talk to a professional. They can help you understand the dynamics of getting on a healthy path.
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aj4599
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2017, 03:26:32 PM »

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, and the support. It's very much appreciated.

If the "irritations" start first thing in the morning,what chance is there the day will end well? even if you have ideal conditions. But you get to spend hours alone with her in a car and she can poke at you and poke till you poke back.

In my experience, almost no chance of salvaging the day once she starts seeing me as "irritating." Even if I salvage a moment or an hour, she'll come back later with more anger and insults until I finally respond.

It's important to realize that this event started with the pretzels. I say that, because you need to see that and exit the situation next time at that stage - at the first sign of aggression. If you had a do-over, dropping the pretzels was an aggressive response. I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm just saying that domestic violence is like a rattlesnake and its important to get out when there is a rattle - not poke the snake. Maybe dropping her off at the party and going home with a "I'm sorry you are upset" might be a better approach if there is a next time.

I think you're right about the pretzels being the trigger for the violence... .although she was cooking well before that with being irritated at me. During the week, she'd even randomly reached out with accusations out of the blue twice (once b/c apparently my gps, which she tracks, said I was at home when I was at work, and once because she decided I was lying about being in therapy).

I have learned that leaving - or in this case dropping her off at the party - is a double-edged sword. It does diffuse the situation, and usually will even lead to her apologizing for acting out. But then she almost always blows up shortly after for something small or something I don't even understand. It's like she needs a release of emotion, and when I just leave she doesn't get it so she waits for another chance.

A few weeks back she was acting this way, so I went home. She apologized the next morning. Then that evening, I told her I was going to get some food (just making small talk). She went on a long rant about how I don't eat enough, I'm crazy, we should break up, I'm impossible to deal with... .it felt like she needed that release she hadn't gotten the prior day.

The other thing that makes leaving hard... .it's a 3-hour drive, or train ride for me. That sucks, and is expensive. But trying to give her space while staying doesnt work either. Like this weekend, I gave her 5+ hours alone at the party at her parents. But as soon as we were alone, it picked right back up. I have to literally leave to diffuse it.

It's notable that her "after-the-fact" reaction was to be angry for exposure rather than sorry and repentive. This suggests that things are pretty advanced.

This was an interesting statement to me. Could you explain a bit more?

The last, hardest part, is that she plays to my masculinity with this. She tells me I'm not a man (in much harsher words) because I can't "just take it" and "make a big deal over nothing." I mean, I got four stitches in me head. It certainly didn't feel like anything, and I never raised a hand to her back. Even writing all this, it feels weird thinking of myself as a person experiencing domestic violence.

I don't know what I want at this point. I don't want to live like this. Mainly, I'm just trying to make it through the day, and not let the resentment at having to lie to my coworkers (who I supervise!) about why there's a huge bandage on my forehead overwhelm me.
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2017, 04:01:58 PM »

The last, hardest part, is that she plays to my masculinity with this. She tells me I'm not a man (in much harsher words) because I can't "just take it" and "make a big deal over nothing."

The is a complicated soup of you being too defensive (JADE) and holding onto things (remember her outbursts are impulses - she gets over it quick), her feeling like she bullies you, and you not standing up for your self-interests.

If you stay with her or leave, you have change this.

Case in point: She throws a fit and accidentally cuts your forehead and it bleeds like all get out (foreheads bleed profusely). Which sounds more masculine? Which sounds like who you want to be?

Option 1 - You really hurt me. I didn't do anything. I hope you'll call me and apologize.

Option 2 - Look babe, your temper is out of control. You need to get it together (leave everything up in the air and wait her out to see what see does - be willing to let it fizzle away if she can't clean this up in some meaningful way).

Option 3 - I needed 6 stitches. I could have died. I don't feel safe around you.

I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you that bad. At the same time, her being volatile and going nuts in the car is not interesting or attractive or a place to be. This could have ended really badly.

If someone cheats of you or hits you - a relationship can recover. We've seen it. It could also turn into more violence or serial cheating. The only reasonable response you can take right now is no response - ball is in her court. She needs to know that she is in dealbreaker territory. You need to know that too - she is losing respect for you because she is more than you can handle.
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Meili
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2017, 04:08:31 PM »

I've experienced much of what you're describing, albeit not to the extent of having to have stitches. My ex assaulted me on more than one occasion. I was "not a man" (much harsher words were used to me as well) for not being able to take it. She even threatened to call the police and tell them that I hit her one night because I was trying to get away from her as the situation started to escalate.

It was painful (physically and emotionally) to deal with. What I learned was that when I would leave or terminate a conversation that was spiraling out of control rather quickly only to come back to more anger later (you used the words "release of emotion", I had to repeat my response and either leave or terminate the discussion. It's something that we must constantly practice. If we don't, then we teach our SO that at some point we are going to leave our guard down.
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