This could be the right time to split.

[byfaith]

It also came out that she decided we could afford a down payment by borrowing against my retirement funds.

Are you going to let that happen? or does the thought of establishing a boundary over it make you sick?

[GaGrl]

Of course the solution would be at a disadvantage to you... .doesn't affect here that your 401k loan payment would be deducted from your paycheck... .then in a year when she has to move again, you lose equity (again) and yet still have to pay the loan.

Not good. Time to stand firm.

In fact, may be time to set up a separate checking and savings account, email password, and any other access changes to your info that she could violate.

[Grey Kitty]

So anyway the issue is that she gets so stressed and worked up on her drive that she needs 20 to 30 minutes to calm down when she get to work and when she gets home.

You know this. So use it to your advantage.

You can validate how awful traffic is and how stressful it is a bit.

And you can stay out of her way for 20~30 minutes while she calms down! (Perhaps offer something small and nice for her, like a snack or a beverage too.)


As for the other stuff... .I trust you have realized you are not required to borrow against your retirement funds... .and if you do, you will probably never see that money again... .and also that you can stop her from signing for you, electronically or otherwise.

[Waddams]

Cipher - you need to send her something in writing that can be documented later that she cannot sign any document for you, any document, for any reason.  What she's doing is called FORGERY.  You also need to send this notification to your real estate agent, any mortgage/loan officers you are working with, closing attorneys, etc.

And if you don't have separate emails/financial accounts/etc. set up, you need to do that immediately.

By the way - her commute being so stressful that it does all that to her?  If it's true, there's something truly wrong with her.  These days, I tend to not believe such things and my gut reaction is it's fake and she uses it to make herself a victim in yet another way for "poor baby" type attention.  Regardless - she's a grown up, it's a job commute to a job from a house she decided to move to. She knew the deal going in, it's not fair for her to work herself up and then dump that on you.  Don't accept that kind of burden from her.

Seriously dude - you let your fear of her cloud every thought and decision.  Everything you've posted I've ever read gives a picture of a woman that has no respect at all for you.  And your decisions don't show any respect for yourself.  The only way that changes is if you start respecting yourself first.  The only way she'll ever respect you is if you respect yourself first, too.