Hardest Part of Detaching is Wondering When/If they will Recycle Once Again

[hopealways]

I've blocked her in the past, I blocked her again a month ago, and I am in a much much better place now than I was a few years ago, but I still cannot help but wonder WHEN or IF or HOW she will try to reach me. All the blocking in the world never prevented her from calling me from a new number I did not recognize, or from showing up on my doorstep.  So blocking though necessary, is not foolproof.  Getting to a point where I don't give a damn is.

I guess it validates me and my worthiness if she did make contact but then I get mad at myself for wanting such validation from someone so troubled and so bad for me. Writing this just made me realize that growing up I also wanted the same validation from my parents, both (especially mom) of whom were troubled and very dysfunctional.  I never got it from my own parents. How do I expect to get this from a similarly dysfunctional stranger?

So I guess I answered my own question. But do any of you wonder the same thing and if so how do you stop from wondering? I have been able to decrease ruminating about the good times but I can't help wonder if there is a surprise out there for me in the form of her slithering her way back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopealways, It sounds like you are kind of hoping she will come crawling back to you.  Does that sum it up?  How long has it been since you parted ways?  What was the catalyst for your b/u?  Agree, you are probably looking for some sort of validation from her.  Why do you need that validation?  Only you can answer that question.  Are you secretly hoping for a recycle?  If so, plenty of us (including me) have done it, but what's the point?  The ending is usually the same.

LuckyJim

[bunny4523]

 So blocking though necessary, is not foolproof.  Getting to a point where I don't give a damn is.

I guess it validates me and my worthiness if she did make contact but then I get mad at myself for wanting such validation from someone so troubled and so bad for me. Writing this just made me realize that growing up I also wanted the same validation from my parents, both (especially mom) of whom were troubled and very dysfunctional.  I never got it from my own parents. How do I expect to get this from a similarly dysfunctional stranger?

So I guess I answered my own question. :

Yes , you did answer your own question and very well too.  So what if she tries to slither back in.  You sound like you are learning to validate yourself... .hopefully by the time she does reach out, you will be ready and just tell her "no thank you."

I haven't thought much about my ex trying to come back.  I think him wanting me back scares me more than him not wanting me back.  I definately feel that he should have seen what an amazing person I am and he should've felt blessed to have someone like me in his life... .  if he can't see that then that is HIS problem, not mine.

Bunny

[UnforgivenII]

I cannot control him.
I can control myself. It was the last straw. I still love him. But I am done. As ridicolous as it sounds, it's true.

[GuySmiley]

Rather than blocking them, how many of us have gone that step further and actually changed our number so they simply cannot contact us anymore?

I know I know, the argument - Why should I change my number for them? Answer being because we're serious about healing and going NC. Truth is if we do change our number there's a very good chance we won't hear from them again and it really may be the last time we hear from them. And some of us do like that one little hit every now and again. So how serious are we about moving on?

There'll always be an excuse to not change your number if you think for more than 5 seconds.

[whitebackatcha]

There is never actual closure when you know they always came back in the past! I think you are spot on in assuming this is tied to your need to have validation from your parents. I was recently reading an article about this, how we chose people who were emotionally unavailable or unstable because our parents taught us that love meant rejection and overlooking faults to try and get connection from someone who would never consistently provide it.

I can relate to what GuySmiley is saying, about not really being ready to move on. I believe that, if I told her never to contact me again, she wouldn't... .so I haven't. It's too hard a step to make right now. I know I hope to hear from her again, although the last time I did, I didn't respond (it was a card in the mail). I can't imagine what it would take for me to be willing to recycle again. I know I am better off without her, and know it would take years of therapy for her to be different, which is unlikely to happen. Regardless, I am still hoping to hear from her on my birthday. I never left her, never didn't want her, but she left me and said she didn't want me more times than I can count. It makes me feel good to think that she might still miss me. It's not ideal, but at least I'm honest with myself.

[Elliesue]

Gosh reading these posts feels so familiar. For me I realise that my relationship with him played out a lot of dynamics with my dad from childhood! He initially engaged me with adoration, support with a difficult issue and devotion. The he moved to ultimate control where I wasn't able to do anything or go anywhere without him! Then when I did the name calling, shaming etc started and ended now in a separation. Even though he was abusive my need to hear from him, speak to him and see him feels soothing and addictive . However often he will then behave in his old ways and I'm left upset and angry with myself for wanting/ needing this contact. I thought we could be friends but am beginning to see that this may not be possible and am now considering NC. I wonder if my real problem is that I'm playing out the scenario of my cold rejecting father again so it's painful when a man who adored me initially and I thought gave me all I'd missed rejected me to! Am working in therapy to deal with this but meanwhile the pull back remains strong.

[Pretty Woman]

I think it's natural given what we went through to wonder, especially if we knew our ex's kept in touch with other exes.

This is my type. Thing is this, I jeopardized so much to be with my ex, id never put myself in that situation again. I know nothing good will come from a reunion. This person left me high and dry. I was there when she needed me. When I needed her I was told after a three year relationship I meant nothing to her. Anyone who can cut off someone that callously and boldly, disordered or not.

Not worth my time.

[FallenOne]

Mine hasn't tried to reach out to me at all in 3 months since she broke it off.

Then again, she is with my replacement...

I'm pretty sure it's typical of them to not reach out when they are focused on a replacement?

[MiserableMostly]

I've been waiting for 14 weeks for a recycle and it never came. My birthday came and went and it never came. She dumped me and wanted to be friends but I initiated NC. I told her I was gonna block her on everything etc... .She was so respectful and OK with that. It made me so upset that she wasn't upset by this at all. All her feelings were gone. She had a replacement. She no longer needed me. Now I'm out of her life and I'm sure she just feels relief. When she was with me we got too close too fast and she felt overwhelmed. Why would she want to return to that?

I wish all the time that she'd contact me, even if I was to ignore it. I just wanted some indication that this isn't so easy for her, that this wasn't all meaningless. But I have not heard a single thing. I know nothing. It's been over 3 months and absolutely nothing. I feel so angry and sad about that. I want her back in my life.

I am working on myself so much. So I know the NC is a blessing. Eventually I hope to not want it anymore. But in the meantime, it hurts.  

[hopealways]

I've been waiting for 14 weeks for a recycle and it never came. My birthday came and went and it never came. She dumped me and wanted to be friends but I initiated NC. I told her I was gonna block her on everything etc... .She was so respectful and OK with that. It made me so upset that she wasn't upset by this at all. All her feelings were gone. She had a replacement. She no longer needed me. Now I'm out of her life and I'm sure she just feels relief. When she was with me we got too close too fast and she felt overwhelmed. Why would she want to return to that?

I wish all the time that she'd contact me, even if I was to ignore it. I just wanted some indication that this isn't so easy for her, that this wasn't all meaningless. But I have not heard a single thing. I know nothing. It's been over 3 months and absolutely nothing. I feel so angry and sad about that. I want her back in my life.

I am working on myself so much. So I know the NC is a blessing. Eventually I hope to not want it anymore. But in the meantime, it hurts.  

I understand you. I feel the same.
I also rationally know exactly why I feel this way: my parents never gave me what I am fantasizing I will get from her.
So how do I reconcile what my rational side knows with what my emotional side wants?
That's what I am trying to figure out.
Because we all know our exes are bad for us (and for everyone).

[whitebackatcha]

I understand you. I feel the same.
I also rationally know exactly why I feel this way: my parents never gave me what I am fantasizing I will get from her.
So how do I reconcile what my rational side knows with what my emotional side wants?
That's what I am trying to figure out.
Because we all know our exes are bad for us (and for everyone).

Therapy has helped me a lot. Focusing on healing childhood wounds. Giving yourself grace for how you feel, and not judging yourself. Focusing on what kind of person you want to be, what kind of life you want to live, and making that happen. One day, you will realize your ex is a part of a life you no longer lead, and wouldn't fit in to the new life you've built for yourself. But yes, it's awful, and painful, and part of me wondering if some of us will never fully lose feelings for them.