Birthday Issues

[Chantsy]

Hi!

I need advice.

My mom has BPD and since having children I feel like it's really rocked the boat and she has been difficult at every pass. Birthday are a huge issue and almost always result in angry emails, blame for lack of inclusion (although we always invite her), and other stressors.

This all started with my children's birthdays. There are two in September and one in October. I invited both sets of parents (my parents have been divorced for the last 26 years) and received silence from my mom which I knew was a bad sign.  She then put up a huge stink about not coming because my dad and stepmom would be there.  They have always been friendly to her and never caused any issue but in my mom's mind they are out to get her. She made my stepdad, her enabler, send me a long, scathing email saying that I wasn't accommodating them and that somehow they were being put second because we wouldn't have separate parties. She skipped out on my children's and my own birthday.  Clearly I am not going to have two separate parties for everything. That would be too much work for us and I don't feel it's my job to take care of my moms fragile self esteem.

So here we are... .it's  my husband's 40th birthday coming up and I want to throw him a big party.  If I don't invite them then I'll be judged for not being inclusive. If I do invite them, they are licensed to scream the house down about not accommodating them with a separate event. I'm just fearful of their wrath when, to any normal person, this shouldn't be a big deal. What should I do?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Chantsy   
I can certainly understand how frustrating this is for you.  Way too much work to try and always have dual events.

Birthday are a huge issue and almost always result in angry emails, blame for lack of inclusion (although we always invite her), and other stressors.

What are some of the other stressors?

You say you will have a big party for your husband.  Is there some way to have one parent come early (and leave early) and the other parernt come late (and leave late)?  If your dad and stepmother have been to multiple events in a row, one option would be to invite your mom to this one.

Is there some way to work out some method of alternating attendance?  Your mother to one event, your father and stepmother to next event.  When one side doesn't attend, they can offer something that they host on a different day, if that is mutually agreeable?

I'm sure the birthday situation is only one of many issues with your mom.  If you would take the personality disorder out of the equation, it is common for divorced people to NOT want to be at gatherings with their ex (especially with the ex's new partner in attendance).  Sometimes, I don't think it even matters who initiated the divorce.

You can continue to invite both parents and ignore the nasty emails from your mom.  You won't likely change your mom.  No matter what choice you make, she will likely have something to complain about, unless she is the one to attend every event without your father and stepmother.

Sadly, no perfect solution.   

[Chantsy]

Hey Chantsy   
I can certainly understand how frustrating this is for you.  Way too much work to try and always have dual events.

What are some of the other stressors?

Getting a call from my mom saying everything is fine and she will show up. Only to receive one from my stepdad telling me that she is fuming mad, can't handle being around my stepmom because she interacts with my children and won't be attending any of our Birthdays. Then on my Birthday receiving no well wishes from her, just an angry email that's all about her and how she is the victim.

When I do submit to her and do a separate gathering for them then I am praised for being a very thoughtful person, who is compassionate. Frankly it makes my skin crawl.

Having them come at different times is a good idea but how do I avoid the possible run-in when one party is arriving and the other is leaving?

I do understand that not all divorced couples are friendly with each other but it's been 26 years, my dad and stepmom have always been courteous to my mom, and ultimately the culprit is my moms BPD. Her illogical side tells her that we love our dad more, something she use to tell us as kids that was totally traumatizing. Since I had children she has become extremely jealous of my stepmom spending any time with my kids. Therefore, trying to plan birthdays, christenings, etc. has been extremely challenging.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Chantsy:  

Getting a call from my mom saying everything is fine and she will show up. Only to receive one from my stepdad telling me that she is fuming mad, can't handle being around my stepmom because she interacts with my children and won't be attending any of our Birthdays. Then on my Birthday receiving no well wishes from her, just an angry email that's all about her and how she is the victim.
When I do submit to her and do a separate gathering for them then I am praised for being a very thoughtful person, who is compassionate. Frankly it makes my skin crawl.

I can understand how it makes your skin crawl.  Unfortunately, being jealous and playing the victim is common BPD behavior.  Sounds like she thinks she is punishing you when she ignores your birthday.

Having them come at different times is a good idea but how do I avoid the possible run-in when one party is arriving and the other is leaving?

It might be easier to have your mom and stepdad over first.  Your dad and stepmom sound like nice people.  :)o you think your dad would wait somewhere close by, perhaps to receive a phone call from you to say your mom has left?  Sounds a bit tacky and probably something you wouldn't want to ask of most people, but perhaps you dad would be willing to go along with it.  

Since your mom is difficult, the reverse situation would be a bit trickier.  You may have to pad the time a bit, between when one leaves and the other arrives.  Is there some way you can alert your step dad if your dad is a bit late in leaving?  Perhaps a text or call and hang up.  I't almost beginning to should like the plot for a spy movie,

I'm so sorry.   It shouldn't be this difficult