What should I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exwife is uBPD.  I filed for primary custody last November and we still have not gone to court but hopefully soon.  She replied to the motion asking to keep 50/50 custody and to reopen the divorce.

Since I filed, I have screenshots of her Facebook account which she left open on my work laptop.  Her private messages reveal that her new boyfriend sells drugs and just loves cocaine.  This is the person who my ex leaves the babies with.  Also, she picked up our daughter (2), then her heroin addict drug dealer and went to buy marijuana.  Lastly, she admitted to being high 30 minutes before picking up the d2.  Messages reveal all her friends are pot smokers.  We live in Nevada.  All Facebook info was before marijuana was legal.

Months after the Facebook stuff, I realized that she had synced her iphone to our s6's ipad and it was receiving messages.  I have her iphone messages between her and people discussing that she is now a drug dealer of marijuana and not just here and there lots of drug sales.  I have messages of her inviting a man she just met that she sells drugs to her house to smoke pot while the kids were there.  She told him "I.Have.So.Much.Weed".  I have messages of her to me saying "I have to work can you keep kids past my pickup time" then the ipad messages at the same time of her going to some random guys house to get high.  I have messages of her leaving the kids with me two days early saying she has to work then at the same time ipad messages of her arranging dates and getting high.

I feel like I should go right to CPS or Social Services and stop giving her custody.  I called her out on a lie in front of her friends and now she is pissed.  For the last 8 months she has been going off on me telling me to stop slandering her and ruining her reputation around town.  I have talked to no one.  She says if I don't stop she is going to file a police report.  I know she is planning to move out of town after court and I think will try to claim I ruined her reputation here so that is why she should get to move.

So, should I just go to court and show my evidence and roll the dice?  My lawyer has said she has seen slam dunk cases that have not gone the way she thought it should have.

Should I take the ipad to CPS or Social Services and get them involved?

[anonymous_in_NV]

My exwife is uBPD.  I filed for primary custody last November and we still have not gone to court but hopefully soon.  She replied to the motion asking to keep 50/50 custody and to reopen the divorce.

Since I filed, I have screenshots of her Facebook account which she left open on my work laptop.  Her private messages reveal that her new boyfriend sells drugs and just loves cocaine.  This is the person who my ex leaves the babies with.  Also, she picked up our daughter (2), then her heroin addict drug dealer and went to buy marijuana.  Lastly, she admitted to being high 30 minutes before picking up the d2.  Messages reveal all her friends are pot smokers.  We live in Nevada.  All Facebook info was before marijuana was legal.

Months after the Facebook stuff, I realized that she had synced her iphone to our s6's ipad and it was receiving messages.  I have her iphone messages between her and people discussing that she is now a drug dealer of marijuana and not just here and there lots of drug sales.  I have messages of her inviting a man she just met that she sells drugs to her house to smoke pot while the kids were there.  She told him "I.Have.So.Much.Weed".  I have messages of her to me saying "I have to work can you keep kids past my pickup time" then the ipad messages at the same time of her going to some random guys house to get high.  I have messages of her leaving the kids with me two days early saying she has to work then at the same time ipad messages of her arranging dates and getting high.

I feel like I should go right to CPS or Social Services and stop giving her custody.  I called her out on a lie in front of her friends and now she is pissed.  For the last 8 months she has been going off on me telling me to stop slandering her and ruining her reputation around town.  I have talked to no one.  She says if I don't stop she is going to file a police report.  I know she is planning to move out of town after court and I think will try to claim I ruined her reputation here so that is why she should get to move.

So, should I just go to court and show my evidence and roll the dice?  My lawyer has said she has seen slam dunk cases that have not gone the way she thought it should have.

Should I take the ipad to CPS or Social Services and get them involved?

[livednlearned]

Hi anonymous_in_NV,

It's double the trauma when a BPD parent abuses drugs

So you already have a custody arrangement?

Does your lawyer advise going to CPS or SS? There is usually a decision-tree or plan of action when CPS gets a call. Sometimes you can find this information online, like in training documents for new hires. That would tell you the likely plan of action so you know what to expect after you place the call.

Sometimes, CPS will just do an interview with the parents and perform a well-child check, then recommend classes or periodic checks to gather documentation over time.

Your L is being very candid about how even slam dunk cases can take a weird turn. For most of us here, it's also true that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Even if the first court order isn't quite what you wanted, these cases tend to end up back in front of a judge at some point. Either for non-compliance or the ex decompensated and put our kids in danger.

I'm in favor of asking for full custody (however your state defines that). You won't get it right away -- I'm female and the magic pixie dust that favors mother never worked for me. But over time, with a diligent documentation and a decent strategy, I eventually got full custody.

About the slander accusations -- if you show up in court worried about your D, and your ex wife shows up worried about her reputation, that will tell the judge volumes.

What is visitation like right now? Where does D spend majority time?

[ForeverDad]

Drug use and associations with those environments is one of the more actionable scenarios.  That's what it comes down to, can you convince the court that some of these behaviors are 'actionable' and give you basis to step in for the children's welfare?

Is there a way to include a request for you to get a greater level of parenting control, perhaps where you can limit visits when you learn of poor behaviors?  Many courts utilize one of just two options, either full custody or joint custody.  However, they're often very reluctant to jump to full custody, they don't want to make a parent the Loser.  What you could seek as an in-between option where, if you can't get full custody, then you can have Decision Making or Tie Breaker status as the more stable parent.  Yes, the other parent can still take you to court but at least you get to take action without months waiting for court to kick into gear.

About the slam dunk feeling, my lawyer with nearly 20 years experience at the time said I had a slam dunk Contempt of Court case.  I had just exited a 2 year divorce and Ex took off with our kindergarten child withing weeks.  Though she had mentioned going on vacation during spring break, I heard nothing further and certainly never got a vacation notice.  Turned out she didn't leave for spring break, she left on Friday and was gone the next week.  She didn't tell the school either.  She also had asked for a trade during spring break week, she got her part of the trade then left and I never got my end of the trade.  Slam Dunk?  Then magistrate ruled the order was too new and she was "technically not in contempt" because she had "an inability to comply" even though she never even tried to comply.  The magistrate reasoned the old temp order had ended and the new final decree order was not in effect long enough for her to comply with its terms.