It's over - part of me doesn't want it to be over forever

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm a 42 year old gay guy.  He's 40.  We met in 2013. I have never been so in love and I made a forever (very very long time) commitment to him.

He's been coercively, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially abusive. He's beaten me, including punches to the nose and mouth, kicked and bitten and dragged across rooms - blamed it on me.  He's had my arrested and through fear of what he would do or of losing him, I took all the blame and said he had not done anything wrong. He's ignored me.  He's constantly criticised me.  He's has gaslighted and minimised. His childhood trauma's have been reenacted on me and he's blamed me for it all. He has no contact with his family, since Xmas 2014 including his beloved younger sister who had her first child in spring 2015.  He says he's attempted suicide many times, and has been saying it again over the last 12months, on a number of occasions.  He's rarely held a job down for more than 6-12 months.  All his past relationships according to him have ended because of their fault.  He now has very few, if any friends.  He's cheated on me, and he manipulated me in to having group sex... .I made it very clear I feel able to invest enough in to a relationship and enjoy it enough with monogamy.  I accept how it may be fun on very few occasions to explore intimacy and maybe sex with other men or couples, but only when they are both secure in all aspects of their relationship, and we are too.

When his emotions are stable or he's feeling happy, he is the most beautiful, gorgeous, kind, sweet, funny, loveable human being that I have ever met and in that frame of mind he loves me joyfully.

After loosing the business I helped him start, he chose to be assessed last year at a mental hospital and was diagnosed with BPD emotionally unstable. I have the Dr's assessment letter... .in it he states that he was with his dog.  His dog provided a huge security blanket and I also suspect that the patient was incredibly charming.  There are things in the letter than make me wonder if the Dr may have been gay... .the patient is seriously good looking. The Dr concluded he is of no harm to anyone. There is information that the patient has withheld on many levels.

He has no one else in his life, who cares and loved him like I do... .and I felt like there should have been some separate meetings with the health professional where he and I attend. I felt for a long time the reason he would not allow this was because he was embarrassed and wanted to fix himself outside of our relationship (good attitude).  Over the last few months however I have realised it might be because he is telling his therapist extensive and highly damaging lies about me. He's told me things he's told them and other people about me, which are not true.

2 nights ago, he forced entry in to my shared home (I have a live-in landlord).  He came over here angry, even though I asked him not to come over.  He intimidated me and through fear, humiliation and panic I tried to get back in my home, and he forced his way in, which the neighbour watched.  He was abusive to me and my landlord, saying he hopes I lose my home and trying to pin all sorts of things on me which are completely made up allegations to try and counter all the bad things he has done OR to make me accountable for all the things that have happened to him, which he feels he's never had justice for, so trying to apportion that to me... .and get me arrested. I once shared my biggest fear in life which is... .injustice.

The police were called.  He was sectioned under he mental health act.  I don't know for how long he will be in hospital, who has taken care of his dog, and I fear that when he comes out he will seek revenge or commit suicide.

I feel like he is trying to take my freedom away, limit my happiness and growth, and is constantly making things up to manipulate me in to giving him money or paying his debts. Last autumn, he threatened to slit my throat if I didn't pay his storage. He has made other allegations this year, at the same time as making jealously driven insults about my lifestyle, career, and living standards, and demands for money.  These allegations go away until he need money.

The really sad thing is that if his mother was able to tell him she loves him, she's proud of him, she misses him, in time, all of his childhood caused insecurities and problems in life would heal.  He is living with traumatizing core shame about many things and who he "thinks" he is as a person.  When he stops judging himself so harshly, he's happy.

I have read about Dialectic therapy, and might have the resources to be able to send him to a private country residential eg like a working farm for healing.  I'm fearful he will end up in a regular mental health ward, which happened to him in his 20s and he's explained how damaging that was for him (which is why I backed down on "us" being assessed early 2014 - big mistake on my part). He recently said that his therapist won't allow him to attend group therapy... .I don't know why or if he means he is simply not ready but can in time. This made him feel even more of a "nut job" as he put it and without any humour.

For now, I must accept that this relationship is over.  I am unable to have any contact with him...   I have grieved quite a lot in the past, in relation to this relationship and if there is more to come, I will allow it and sit with those emotions, knowing they will pass. I will try not to be fearful of the ramifications of any false allegations he is making.  I will try and stay focused on my increasingly successful start-up company.  I will try to spend more time with my family and friends.  I will try to keep in mind all the wonderful things that are happening in my life and the people I'm so grateful to. 

I also know that it could be quite quickly, that I feel a sense of freedom, especially if I am able to stay strong.

I have previously attended counselling with the local domestic violence organisation... .I will contact them if I need any legal support.  I already have a regular councillor who supported me going away for 6 weeks over xmas and starting the no contact process. I managed not to see him for over a month until he insisted he came in to my home last Saturday night (against mine and the landlords wishes) and before the incident the other night.  I made the mistake of inviting him back last Sunday, for food and movies... .he had other sexual and drug things on his agenda.  He says taking drugs if the only way his mind and thoughts allow him to enjoy sex.  He often refers to being raped at age 16 and hates the impact it has had, and that no one was prosecuted. He says his mother screamed at him and beat him every day as a child until his sister was born when he was age 8.  He said she was a drunk, but has already denied that. He has told me that he's beaten me up because he's had memories of his mother during our conversations.

I lost all my savings during this relationship, and still have credit cards to pay off.  I've never before had these problems.  Fortunately, my business is growing, and the money worries may soon be over.

Early in the relationship my insecurity cause was realised, and I am lucky that a conversation, totally honest with my parents was all that was needed after 33 years of suffering since that man did what he did and said to me as an innocent child... .to hear them say "we love you", made me feel loved unconditionally.

This is such a long post, so thank you for reading... .writing it has brought further clarity, on what I need to do  (and not do) so continue to grow and move forwards.

With gratitude,
Love Heals

[loveheals]

I'm a 42 year old gay guy.  He's 40.  We met in 2013. I have never been so in love and I made a forever (very very long time) commitment to him.

He's been coercively, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially abusive. He's beaten me, including punches to the nose and mouth, kicked and bitten and dragged across rooms - blamed it on me.  He's had my arrested and through fear of what he would do or of losing him, I took all the blame and said he had not done anything wrong. He's ignored me.  He's constantly criticised me.  He's has gaslighted and minimised. His childhood trauma's have been reenacted on me and he's blamed me for it all. He has no contact with his family, since Xmas 2014 including his beloved younger sister who had her first child in spring 2015.  He says he's attempted suicide many times, and has been saying it again over the last 12months, on a number of occasions.  He's rarely held a job down for more than 6-12 months.  All his past relationships according to him have ended because of their fault.  He now has very few, if any friends.  He's cheated on me, and he manipulated me in to having group sex... .I made it very clear I feel able to invest enough in to a relationship and enjoy it enough with monogamy.  I accept how it may be fun on very few occasions to explore intimacy and maybe sex with other men or couples, but only when they are both secure in all aspects of their relationship, and we are too.

When his emotions are stable or he's feeling happy, he is the most beautiful, gorgeous, kind, sweet, funny, loveable human being that I have ever met and in that frame of mind he loves me joyfully.

After loosing the business I helped him start, he chose to be assessed last year at a mental hospital and was diagnosed with BPD emotionally unstable. I have the Dr's assessment letter... .in it he states that he was with his dog.  His dog provided a huge security blanket and I also suspect that the patient was incredibly charming.  There are things in the letter than make me wonder if the Dr may have been gay... .the patient is seriously good looking. The Dr concluded he is of no harm to anyone. There is information that the patient has withheld on many levels.

He has no one else in his life, who cares and loved him like I do... .and I felt like there should have been some separate meetings with the health professional where he and I attend. I felt for a long time the reason he would not allow this was because he was embarrassed and wanted to fix himself outside of our relationship (good attitude).  Over the last few months however I have realised it might be because he is telling his therapist extensive and highly damaging lies about me. He's told me things he's told them and other people about me, which are not true.

2 nights ago, he forced entry in to my shared home (I have a live-in landlord).  He came over here angry, even though I asked him not to come over.  He intimidated me and through fear, humiliation and panic I tried to get back in my home, and he forced his way in, which the neighbour watched.  He was abusive to me and my landlord, saying he hopes I lose my home and trying to pin all sorts of things on me which are completely made up allegations to try and counter all the bad things he has done OR to make me accountable for all the things that have happened to him, which he feels he's never had justice for, so trying to apportion that to me... .and get me arrested. I once shared my biggest fear in life which is... .injustice.

The police were called.  He was sectioned under he mental health act.  I don't know for how long he will be in hospital, who has taken care of his dog, and I fear that when he comes out he will seek revenge or commit suicide.

I feel like he is trying to take my freedom away, limit my happiness and growth, and is constantly making things up to manipulate me in to giving him money or paying his debts. Last autumn, he threatened to slit my throat if I didn't pay his storage. He has made other allegations this year, at the same time as making jealously driven insults about my lifestyle, career, and living standards, and demands for money.  These allegations go away until he need money.

The really sad thing is that if his mother was able to tell him she loves him, she's proud of him, she misses him, in time, all of his childhood caused insecurities and problems in life would heal.  He is living with traumatizing core shame about many things and who he "thinks" he is as a person.  When he stops judging himself so harshly, he's happy.

I have read about Dialectic therapy, and might have the resources to be able to send him to a private country residential eg like a working farm for healing.  I'm fearful he will end up in a regular mental health ward, which happened to him in his 20s and he's explained how damaging that was for him (which is why I backed down on "us" being assessed early 2014 - big mistake on my part). He recently said that his therapist won't allow him to attend group therapy... .I don't know why or if he means he is simply not ready but can in time. This made him feel even more of a "nut job" as he put it and without any humour.

For now, I must accept that this relationship is over.  I am unable to have any contact with him...   I have grieved quite a lot in the past, in relation to this relationship and if there is more to come, I will allow it and sit with those emotions, knowing they will pass. I will try not to be fearful of the ramifications of any false allegations he is making.  I will try and stay focused on my increasingly successful start-up company.  I will try to spend more time with my family and friends.  I will try to keep in mind all the wonderful things that are happening in my life and the people I'm so grateful to. 

I also know that it could be quite quickly, that I feel a sense of freedom, especially if I am able to stay strong.

I have previously attended counselling with the local domestic violence organisation... .I will contact them if I need any legal support.  I already have a regular councillor who supported me going away for 6 weeks over xmas and starting the no contact process. I managed not to see him for over a month until he insisted he came in to my home last Saturday night (against mine and the landlords wishes) and before the incident the other night.  I made the mistake of inviting him back last Sunday, for food and movies... .he had other sexual and drug things on his agenda.  He says taking drugs if the only way his mind and thoughts allow him to enjoy sex.  He often refers to being raped at age 16 and hates the impact it has had, and that no one was prosecuted. He says his mother screamed at him and beat him every day as a child until his sister was born when he was age 8.  He said she was a drunk, but has already denied that. He has told me that he's beaten me up because he's had memories of his mother during our conversations.

I lost all my savings during this relationship, and still have credit cards to pay off.  I've never before had these problems.  Fortunately, my business is growing, and the money worries may soon be over.

Early in the relationship my insecurity cause was realised, and I am lucky that a conversation, totally honest with my parents was all that was needed after 33 years of suffering since that man did what he did and said to me as an innocent child... .to hear them say "we love you", made me feel loved unconditionally.

This is such a long post, so thank you for reading... .writing it has brought further clarity, on what I need to do  (and not do) so continue to grow and move forwards.

With gratitude,
Love Heals

[once removed]

hi loveheals, and

thats a very hard story. you must be exhausted.

you also sound like you have a very good plan in place as far as supporting yourself; im glad youre in touch with domestic violence counselling, family and friends, and keeping busy/focused with your business ventures.

additionally, im glad you have reached out to us and shared your story. youre in the right place, with people who understand. no doubt, there is a great deal of trauma recovery ahead, and we are here to support you every step of the way.

how are you feeling today?

[Turkish]

loveheals,

That's a horrible amount of abuse that you experienced from him.  Though I'm glad that you have reached out to local resources for help,  it sounds like he is still exhibiting the same abusive behaviors towards you.  I'm concerned about your safety. It sounds like you care about him a great deal,  but physical abuse (repeatedly) crosses a line. Do you have a safety plan for the future? Perhaps this can help. Take a look at the safety plan down the page:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Some members here have had partners who have been victims of sexual abuse, including my ex.  I feel sorrow for what happened to her,  and this is right,  but this is no excuse to abuse others. 

[loveheals]

hi loveheals, and

thats a very hard story. you must be exhausted.

you also sound like you have a very good plan in place as far as supporting yourself; im glad youre in touch with domestic violence counselling, family and friends, and keeping busy/focused with your business ventures.

additionally, im glad you have reached out to us and shared your story. youre in the right place, with people who understand. no doubt, there is a great deal of trauma recovery ahead, and we are here to support you every step of the way.

how are you feeling today?

Thank you. I didn't know anyone haf replied. I'd been hoping soneone would. I need to check I'm replying in the correct way. Ditto below. I'm stressed but coping.

[loveheals]

Hey... .am I replying to you both now? I've been no contact since the last incident. He messaged me on Tuesday, 7 days ago, demanding I pay his storage bill. I haven't replied. I've had 3 or 4 moment's of floods of years, very upset. I think it's grieving. It's more upsetting and heart felt than I've known before. I'm trying to let myself heal. Acceptance.

[Turkish]

Hi love heals,

Yes,  replying here we can all see it.  Acceptance is a good place to be.  Accepting that your feelings may still go back and forth is good if they do.  It took me over two years.  Are you doing anything in real life to help?  Sometimes allowing ourselves to relax helps even if it might not seem like a lot.