Hi Katydid,
I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time finding a safe place to retreat to. It sounds like your husband's behavior makes that very difficult. The yelling and not knowing if things might get physical adds a lot of stress.
It sounds like taking steps to get a support system behind you would really help. That couple you mentioned might be a good support, if you feel comfortable letting them know some of what's going on. I can understand that it's not easy, if they are not close friends, but perhaps they could become good friends.
I encourage you to think about a
Safety Plan . Doing the assessment step by step and planning for the unexpected will give you peace of mind. You'll feel better knowing that you have a backup plan should things escalate again. Hopefully you will never need to use it, but like I said, knowing that you have somewhere to go and someone to count on helps a lot in these kinds of situations.
You might also consider calling your local domestic violence helpline. The people there have a lot of experience in dealing with relationship conflict, and they have access to resources that you may not know about. You could do an exploratory call about places you could go while your husband re-regulates his emotions. Your local YWCA may also have helpful information, and free (!) therapy.
I think your idea about volunteering at the church in exchange for being able to sit quietly for a while is a good one.
Making a phone call, taking one step at a time—that's what will eventually make a difference.
heartandwhole