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Author Topic: Suggestions for places to retreat to? How to handle mutual friends?  (Read 381 times)
Katydid_

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: March 17, 2017, 11:06:46 PM »

I'm learning that weathering in place is not going to work when my partner has an episode. He'll rant and follow me around for hours, to the point that I just have to stay outside, no matter the weather or temp. If I try to stay inside in another room or area and ignore him and calm down he just escalates, sometimes to the point of getting physical. Nothing I can say makes any difference. Catching it ahead of time and trying to validate his concerns doesn't ever seem to work, it's never what he wants to hear. I don't even think he hears me properly. I can't just end a conversation. I can't just walk away, he'll just follow. There is no hearing him out because he demands answers to impossible questions that don't really have answers (for example, "How can I make your parents take you away so I don't have to deal with you?" I'm afraid of my parents and haven't had contact with them in 12 years). In short, I'm not nearly good enough yet at de-escalating ANYTHING to prevent him from getting so out of control so quickly that I literally just have to stand outside for an unreasonable length of time. A few times he's even locked me out. Once in a rain storm, and then he got in his car and left. I try to always take my purse, coat, and shoes, but it's not always possible.

My car does not run and that's unlikely to happen any time soon. I can sit in it, but it gets really cold here in the winter. The only other human beings I have actual contact with these days are another couple who are mutual friends/acquaintances. Given that we're not very close, and I'm never even alone in the room with them without him there, they don't really know much about us beyond the light and easy topics. But, we house-sit for each other and have known each other for years. Is there any way to talk to them, perhaps see if I they can take me over there occasionally when he explodes? Perhaps without being specific at all, just saying I need to get out of the house for the day. Is that too much to ask if they don't know the situation? Is this just going to cause conflict and I should leave them out entirely? I don't want to muddy up mutual friendships.

Or, does anyone have any suggestions for places to just go, that don't cost any money? I go to the park, weather permitting, or just walk. There aren't any libraries within walking distance. There are a few churches (I'm not a member, or a church-goer, but I grew up in churches). I've thought of asking if I could just occasionally come sit and read a book somewhere in exchange for collating and stapling or something. Anyone have any experience with something like that? Navigating bus routes and being in moving vehicles, or driving vehicles, or walking very far, is problematic because I have chronic migraine that affects my vision, balance, comprehension, and other things.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2017, 07:32:15 AM »

Hi Katydid,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time finding a safe place to retreat to. It sounds like your husband's behavior makes that very difficult. The yelling and not knowing if things might get physical adds a lot of stress. 

It sounds like taking steps to get a support system behind you would really help. That couple you mentioned might be a good support, if you feel comfortable letting them know some of what's going on. I can understand that it's not easy, if they are not close friends, but perhaps they could become good friends.

I encourage you to think about a Safety Plan . Doing the assessment step by step and planning for the unexpected will give you peace of mind. You'll feel better knowing that you have a backup plan should things escalate again. Hopefully you will never need to use it, but like I said, knowing that you have somewhere to go and someone to count on helps a lot in these kinds of situations.

You might also consider calling your local domestic violence helpline. The people there have a lot of experience in dealing with relationship conflict, and they have access to resources that you may not know about. You could do an exploratory call about places you could go while your husband re-regulates his emotions. Your local YWCA may also have helpful information, and free (!) therapy.

I think your idea about volunteering at the church in exchange for being able to sit quietly for a while is a good one.

Making a phone call, taking one step at a time—that's what will eventually make a difference.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
bananas2
Formerly OnceHadMoxie
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204



« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2017, 10:00:31 AM »

Hi Katydid -

I truly sympathize. I'm in a similar situation in that I also have a disability which makes it hard for me to remove myself from the situation when my BPDh is dysregulating.

I've been thinking about your post and wondering if you could give us an update. Did you end up talking with your friends about the situation? Did you talk to the church? Have you created a safety plan?
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