Need for calls during the work day - and admission I'm his security object

[ElinorD]

My uBPDh wants me to call him on my lunch break every day just to talk, supposedly because he hates his job. I know it's because he doesn't have object constancy and feels anxious when I'm away from him. I've stopped doing it because I should be eating my lunch and getting back to work. None of my coworkers call their significant others just to talk. It's clingy behavior. H is hurt and offended that I've stopped, but I think it's best not to give in on this.

He actually came out and said, quite angrily, that I'm his security object. He compared it to taking away our child's blanket. Well, at least he sees it.

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[Grey Kitty]

Good for you.

If you listen to your feelings about this kind of thing, they will tell you what is right for you here.

People want comfort. Comforting them is kind, and you are a kind person. Even if it digs into your time, it can be a kind and generous thing for you to do.

If that is what is going on, you will feel good about providing comfort.

I bet you were feeling manipulated, weak, or resentful about these lunchtime calls instead.

I've often said that feelings like that are tipping you off that you are failing to protect yourself, and need to work on enforcing a new boundary or doing better with an old one.

Chances are if he heard he was fired or laid off monday morning, you would be happy to talk to him and support him at lunch... .and feel good about yourself doing it given that situation.

Trust your judgement, and stick to your boundaries.

[Kyanite]

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to want to have a peaceful lunch at work and not communicate. It is goo dthat your SO knows you are his security object, but that doesn't mean he thinks it needs ot be changed. I sometimes wonder if some people use awareness of their own faults as an excuse to keep doing them. My SO will point out a lot of his faults on occasion, but concludes that "we" need to work on them. He seems to expect me to "fix" him, or at least participate in all of the time he spends "fixing" himself. Since I won't, much of the bahvior continues, and he sometimes points to his awareness of it as if that makes it ok.

Interestingly, he also lets me know as soon as he is done with work and when he is on his way home (he travels locally a lot and his schedule is unpredu=ictable). He also likes to call just to talk while he is on his way home. I am often busy. Sometimes he is ok with that, and other times he gets frustrated.

[isilme]

I know I am H's blankie.  He is even aware of it.  And to his credit, he's working on it, or at least not taking his anxiety out on me (so much) when I can't meet him for lunch or am away from home.

We carpool together because even though we don't work at the same place, it's the same complex of buildings, so I see him most days at lunch, but like today, I sometimes have things to do that keep me here.  He got a little sad, made a comment about having a sucky lunch lined up, but then was okay.  That is major progress.  He used to amp up the guilt, and rant about how my work was being mean making me stay once in a while for training and/or webinars, or simply trying to meet deadlines.  I'd sometimes come home from a really bad day at work, having to stay really late, to find him angry at me for having to work late, as if I'd wanted to do so. 

We don't call through the day.  We do message online, mostly to check when one is ready for lunch, where the car got parked, and when each is able to leave.  I have "gotten in trouble" at times when a surprise meeting calls me away and my phone doesn't pick up the messages (our building is really old and the insulation and some metal walls block wifi and cell signals in random spots).  He feels ignored and abandoned and I catch hell - he won't believe I never saw his messages and instead has to believe I was ignoring him on purpose to make him mad. 

The thing seems to be that while messaging sometimes keeps him calm, other times, like when I don't see his messages, they cause a lot of grief.  Their emotions ret-con things to make them an issue, instead of being able to reanalyze what happened (I did not get them, sorry), and re-form their emotions.  Once the emotion is unleashed, it can't be put back in the bottle as easily as for a person without BPD. 

[Grey Kitty]

I know I am H's blankie.  He is even aware of it.  And to his credit, he's working on it, or at least not taking his anxiety out on me (so much) when I can't meet him for lunch or am away from home.

Honestly, this isn't a bad thing. It is a kind thing to do for another person. The key to keeping it healthy is that it is a request, not a demand, and you have a choice whether to take that role or not.

I'm kinda laughing because I just visited a dear long-distance friend [This friend has very high emotional intelligence, and is not mentally ill]. The friend is starting to come out of an incredibly stressful period in life and needed support. The request actually came with the literal statement: "I need my Grey Kitty security blanket."

We joked about it... .and we both knew that it was something that would happen because I wanted to provide that kind of support.

Having the option to say "no" or "no, I can't today" or "can it wait 'till after dinner, I'm starving" changes the game entirely.