Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 12:12:54 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I don't love you  (Read 392 times)
tree life

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: March 19, 2017, 08:47:10 AM »

Hi all,

My BPD boyfriend says he admires me deeply but he doesn't love me.

This hurts me deeply. How do you reply to this?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Shedd
formerly burnerin
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 245


« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2017, 08:57:11 AM »

Mine says pretty much the same thing only she loves and cares about me but she's not IN LOVE with me.  I'm not so sure myself, but it's interesting to me that yours has said a similar thing. I know this isn't helpful to you.  If I figure it out I will let you know.
Logged

JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2017, 06:06:08 PM »

Mine says I'm a great guy but totally incompatible with her. Or some similar things.  She would complaint if I say I love her because I put her in a situation where she's going to be rude if she doesn't say it back.

I think they just need to feel safe, and not feel they need us, don't depend on us... .Just in case we leave.  Of course it hurts a lot. If their actions say they love you, that's what matters, and you have to learn to not let the nasty stuff they say sink,as best as we can.

I guess we can say "please think about why you feel the need to tell me this, because it's not easy to hear".

I've said sometimes : I know anything romantic feels too much to bear now, but I'm still your best friend, I'm still the person closest to you, I'm the one you trust with your kids, I'm the one you talk to, and I've been here for a long time. I know I'm important to you, and you show that to me in a lot of ways.  -  If she is saying yes back to those affirmations, it is validating for me, and sometimes that reaches her too, and she tells me she loves me. Right then, or after some time.

You can try something similar. I hope you can hear it soon.

For a long period of time, I had to assume she didn't love me. Because waiting for signs was too painful.  But now I get them once in a while.  And some days in a row, or a week, are starting to give me hope.
Logged

We are in this together.
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2017, 06:29:00 PM »

Joe - I agree with looking at their actions and ignoring their words. Hard to do, but gets easier over time. Deep down they don't feel worthy of love so they assign us as "flawed" - for loving them. It's part of their disordered thinking --> obviously something is wrong with us for loving them. Knowing that makes it a little easier not to take it personally when they say things like "I don't love you" or "I'm not IN love with you". They are giving us an out, in a way, to see if we will abandon them.

Those are also good affirmations, but mine would feel overwhelmed by that so I doubt I'd get any validation from him. For him, less is more. I think when I tell him "I'm here for you", he feels the love/assurance. If I say "I love you" he mostly feels pressure/discomfort and thinks to himself... .why?

Logged

JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2017, 02:05:21 AM »

Well, just to clarify, I wouldn't say all those affirmations at once, I'm sorry it looked that way. Just one or two, depending on the context. And of course, it takes time and awareness to know your SO enough to know when you can say this or that and it will be well taken. Sadly, it doesn't have to do with when we need it.

It's so true that about giving us an out, it used to make me crazy how often she would do that. Also the thinking something must be wrong with us if we love them. I lost count of how many times after me saying I love you, she would say, but why?, or I can't understand that, or literally "something must be wrong with you", or there's nothing to love... .

If it's BPD is supposed to go back and forth between idealizing the partner and pushing us away. I feel like an unpaid unwanted nanny a lot of times, and then, yesterday she told me I was the sweetest man in the world (during a long hug), and that my love is like a warm blanket in a cold day, and that I must love her so much... . So I saw the opportunity to say "and I can tell you love me", and she said yes.

I try to take those perfect moments in, and enjoy them, and believe them, even when there's a voice in my head that says "don't get too comfy, don't lower your guard". This next morning I'm a bit scared to meet her (we sleep in separated rooms) and she could be mean and cold, as if I just ruined her life, and the magic would be gone, and I'll feel stupid for believing her yesterday.  But if we don't enjoy the good, what's the point in enduring the bad?
Logged

We are in this together.
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2017, 05:20:14 AM »

pwBPD get confused with defining emotions, what one would call love, another wouldn't. Throw in fears and insecurities and they will fight what their own mind is thinking. Normal people weigh things up and reach conclusions. A pwBPD doesn't weigh things up as far as the big picture is concerned. They obsess about whatever current thoughts are.

That means they focus on the actions they are using to denty something rather than the thing they are actually denying.

One of the major factors of love, is respect. pwBPD struggle with unconditional respect, as this seems to be overly impacted by whether their immediate perceived needs are being met. Without unconditional respect it is hard to have unconditional love.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2017, 05:33:46 AM »

It is difficult to stay balanced and not get swept up by those rare loving moments, or heartbroken when they act the exact opposite. Teetering between enjoying the good times and weathering the bad. I know the good times won't last, but I've also learned the bad times don't either. Like clouds in the sky - they float across the sky, change shapes, fill with rainclouds, dissolve, reform... .constantly changing. I think of his moods this way. I could easily get caught up in thinking THIS moment will last forever - good or bad. But then I'm lost, tossed around in the wind, feeling elated or devastated, back and forth.

I got a very sincere and out of the blue "I love you" last July. My heart filled with rainbows and teddy bears, but I had to tamp that down. Good thing because he hasn't said it since. He has at least shown it, just not at the hearts and butterflies level. On the flip side, my heart has been filled with dread and pain. I had to tamp that down as well because "I hate you" is an equal rarity. Grounding myself somewhere in the middle of these extremes is where I try to live, the best I can anyway.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2017, 04:30:53 PM »

Understanding is one thing but inconsistency is ultimately destabilising and extremely draining.

You end up protecting yourself to the extent of feeling numb.

Not sure what the answer is but feeling the warm fuzziness of 'love" seems to be quarantined
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2017, 08:19:51 PM »

I see your point, waverider. Quarantined is a good word for it. I guess "numb" still feels better than those uncontrolled heightened emotions I used to have early in our relationship. Those "thrilling" moments during the idealization phase were hardly worth the painful moments in the devaluation.

I mostly try to keep my expectations realistic - rather than getting carried away by the sea of his emotions. Unfortunately, that does often mean not fully experiencing my own emotions in the moment. Working on that... .

Then again, I also found the same to be true in my long-term (non-BPD) marriage - we had a good solid friendship and affection for each other, but it wasn't all roses (or thorns) all the time - but somewhere in the middle. Feelings mellow naturally in most relationships over time and those elated/deflated feelings were just as fleeting.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2017, 10:08:26 PM »



Then again, I also found the same to be true in my long-term (non-BPD) marriage - we had a good solid friendship and affection for each other, but it wasn't all roses (or thorns) all the time - but somewhere in the middle. Feelings mellow naturally in most relationships over time and those elated/deflated feelings were just as fleeting.

That is where a type of companionate part of it creeps in. Where you still feel the support even if its not electric. You are still a team. Often BPD relationships are weak on that aspect as you cant assume they have your back, so that residual comfort level is missing.

In the non BPD relationship the ups and downs would be easier to deal with as they would have some kind of understandable logic to them
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
tree life

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2017, 02:29:05 PM »

I feel stuck since the moment I feel everything I could do to communicate with a BPD is 99% going nowhere. So what's the point of saying?

When you feel is pointless, how you carry on the conversation with that person because you feel you love him... . 

After some months of going no contact I still cannot overcome fully the wish to communicate with him and create a better relationship and I feel silly just for it... .for feeling the need to get closer to someone who is such a trouble.

would love hearing from you!



Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!