Need advice for what's wrong with my sibling

[badenergytroll]

She's not BPD, definetely, but something else. I don't know which place to ask or which forum to look.

I will describe as short as possible the signs and behaviour. Maybe somebody can identify this or help. If I'm doing this on the wrong place or forum, it's OK to delete, I understand.

- Basically behaves like a rag doll. She will do things only when somehow forced to. This involves any and all activities which should be "normal" for a "healthy" adult being: leaving the house, traveling, finding and meeting friends, finding and doing work, education, courting and romance, ... .
- Will sabotage and self-sabotage to make sure she can fall back into status quo somehow.
- When we were very young, she was a wildcat, not afraid of anything, smart, social, sporty, etc - while I was the exact opposite. Now, in the adult days, the tables have turned.
- I forced her to go see a therapist (years ago). She kept complaining how the therapist is molesting her with various subjects (which have nothing to do with personal matters), until she basically manipulated me into telling her; that if she doesn't like it - she doesn't have to go. Ha ha ha, foolish me! Later found out from the therapist, that after many months of therapy, when she was finally at the precipice of change, that's when she ran away and quickly dived back into status quo.
- spends all free time online, writing and reading fanfiction, communicating with online friends, without having a single (!) real life friend (not one!).

I am writing all this because the rest of my family is OK with all of this. Maybe they feel responsible for how she turned out, or just also too passive to do anything about it, but even though it should not bother me - it does. It does bother me, every day, to know that every time I visit my family, it will be the same lovingly-disfunctional scene I've been watching most of my life. I would be so happy to hear some good news once in a while. Some positive change. I feel like I am burdened with carrying the whole family on my shoulders - which is not the case. They get along with life, to them it's all fine, but to me it seems all really horrible. None of our friends, relatives, neighbours finds the situation at home normal either.

And I am glad that I get love and care from them, but it is simply not enough. I want them to at least be trying to live fulfilled and happy lives. And as I write this, I realize what *I* am doing to myself: I am preventing myself from leading a complete, fulfilled, happy life, and sabotage myself every step on the way - just because to me it looks like that's what the family is doing.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey badenergytroll:   
We can't diagnose her.  Sounds like she could have some depression and anxiety going on.  Did she receive a diagnosis when she went to therapy several years ago?  How old is your sister?

Basically, she behaves like a rag doll. She will do things only when somehow forced to. This involves any and all activities which should be "normal" for a "healthy" adult being: leaving the house, traveling, finding and meeting friends, finding and doing work, education, courting and romance 

Sounds like you are describing someone who is either depressed or dealing with an anxiety disorder. 

Will sabotage and self-sabotage to make sure she can fall back into status quo somehow.   

Some people have a fear of abandonment, loss or failure.  They can get very anxious.  When they have a safe place to retreat, they may do that.  Instead of waiting to see if something fails or succeeds, sometimes people want to go into failure mode or cause abandonment on their own, so they don't have to wait or wonder about a loss.

  When we were very young, she was a wildcat, not afraid of anything, smart, social, sporty, etc - while I was the exact opposite. Now, in the adult days, the tables have turned. 

  When it comes to brain chemistry, some people are marginally normal. Sometimes hormonal influences can cause things to tip: puberty, pregnancy, menopause can cause behavioral changes.  Sometimes, something like a dark dreary Winter can cause someone to get depressed.  Schizophrenia, develops during a certain age range, which can differ between males, and females.  It would be nice if we could check our brain chemistry like the oil in a car, but we can't.

I forced her to go see a therapist (years ago). She kept complaining how the therapist is molesting her with various subjects (which have nothing to do with personal matters), until she basically manipulated me into telling her; that if she doesn't like it - she doesn't have to go. Ha ha ha, foolish me! Later found out from the therapist, that after many months of therapy, when she was finally at the precipice of change, that's when she ran away and quickly dived back into status quo. 

You can bring someone to therapy, but you can't make them gain enlightenment, acknowledge the need for change or change.

spends all free time online, writing and reading fanfiction, communicating with online friends, without having a single (!) real life friend (not one!). 

Social media can be an addiction for people without mental illness, so it can certainly be more of an issue for those who isolate themselves. 

And I am glad that I get love and care from them, but it is simply not enough. I want them to at least be trying to live fulfilled and happy lives. And as I write this, I realize what *I* am doing to myself: I am preventing myself from leading a complete, fulfilled, happy life, and sabotage myself every step on the way - just because to me it looks like that's what the family is doing. 

Your parents are likely enabling your sister.  As long as she can hide in your parent's home, and be taken care of, she has no motivation to deal with her emotional problems and learn to make a living and care for herself. 

You can't change others.  The only one you have power over is yourself.  You are your own person.  You don't have to conform to the behavior of others in your family.

[badenergytroll]

Hi NN! Thanks for dropping by so quickly!

She's close to 40 - according to my knowledge, never diagnosed with anything. Had few relationships, all of them with manipulators. They pick up the vibes of a potential victim so easily! Last one more than 10 years ago.

After thinking about it more last night, I found out that I feel a terrible burden that I drag through life. According to the current status quo, once my parents pass away, by default, I get to become the person who "has" to take care of my sister. I have no desire to bear this commitment or responsibility, it feels unbearable. I tried to talk to this about my family (all in, sister included), but it all fell to deaf ears and pretending these conversations never happened. The easy reply of "don't worry about anything, go live your life" is no real answer! I don't think anybody can just sign off a family member, drop it like a bad habit. After all, family means nobody gets left behind.

But I feel that I am leaving myself behind because of the chains pulling me down. And the fear of this obligation that I (?) brought upon myself (?) feels like a terrible burden.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey badenergytroll:  

Has your sister ever worked?  Are your parent supporting her like a 40-year-old child?  

According to the current status quo, once my parents pass away, by default, I get to become the person who "has" to take care of my sister.

Is this a cultural norm for your parents?  

I'm thinking it isn't your burden, unless you accept it.  Best to break the habit of worrying.  We never know what life holds for us.  What would be some options for when your parents pass?  Is there someone other than you that she could live with?  Perhaps your parents will leave an inheritance?    

[badenergytroll]

Hey badenergytroll:  

Has your sister ever worked?  Are your parent supporting her like a 40-year-old child?  

No, she has never worked. I don't know how the financial arrangement is within the family. But they must be giving her some money, even now, there is no other way. She is, of course, very low-key and low-maintenance (financial wise), so it's easier to slip everything under the rug.

Is this a cultural norm for your parents?  

I don;t know, tough question. Lately, from cousins, I heard rumors, that basically, while my uncle had to fend for himself, my mother was well taken care of (until marriage). Although, unlike my sister, she did work... .nothing ground changing work, though. And not too much. Just enough til retirement.

I'm thinking it isn't your burden, unless you accept it.  Best to break the habit of worrying.  We never know what life holds for us.  What would be some options for when your parents pass?  Is there someone other than you that she could live with?  Perhaps your parents will leave an inheritance?    

Yeah, they probably will, you've got a point there. Of course there are others she could live with - but her passive aggressive antisociality makes that very difficult (for her and especially for others).

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey badenergytroll:   

Of course there are others she could live with - but her passive aggressive antisociality makes that very difficult (for her and especially for others).

Do you live in the US?  Does anyone in the family have a history of mental illness?  Is it possible that your parents are embarrassed by your sister and think she needs to be hidden?

You mentioned that you let your sister quit counseling several years ago.  What made it your decision?  Were you paying for it?

I want them to at least be trying to live fulfilled and happy lives.

  When you same "them", are you referring to your whole family?  Do other members of your family appear to be avoiding life (i.e. hardly ever leave their home)?