Intro | Boyfriend recently diagnosed

[texas_native]

Hello! Thankful to have found this site. My boyfriend and I, who have been together about 7 months and living together the entire time (long story), have been fighting off and on the entire time. At first I thought it was caused by our first fight involving him finding out about a man I had been with before we met, but since then the fights have gotten much worse, and anything is a trigger. 

He throws things, threatens self harm, sometimes does harm himself (the most recent being he just kept throwing himself on the ground), accuses me of being with other men, accuses me of wanting other men. Then he apologizes, and begs to know what he can do to make things better. I never have the "right" answer, I am always painted into a corner. I've started practicing walking away from these fights, but my concern is always that he'll hurt himself.

He was finally diagnosed last week, and we're visiting an out patient facility this week as he refuses to consider meds. I'm exhausted, scared, and behind in work all the time -- which upsets him because I have "no time to spend with him" which is not true as we're always together, but it's what he believes. We're supposed to move into a new place and I'm so apprehensive to have him move with me. I want to work this out, I've remained a constant line of support to the point of exhaustion for myself, but I'm so scared of what he'll do if I say I need space, that he needs to get help before we are able to work on our stuff.

Mostly just feeling so tired and sad right now. I battle with an eating disorder, and I know that it gets worse with this kind of stress. Sorry for the long intro, I look forward to getting to know you all and being active here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kwamina]

Hi texas_native

I am glad you found this site too. Your boyfriend was recently officially diagnosed, with BPD I assume. You were visiting an out patient facility, how is that going so far? Are there any new developments since you posted this?

You mention the fights have gotten worse which is concerning. I also find it quite concerning that he throws things, threatens self-harm and sometimes actually self-harms. Do you feel safe around him? To help you assess your safety situation and aide in your safety planning, I encourage you to take a look at this document:
Safety First

Mostly just feeling so tired and sad right now. I battle with an eating disorder, and I know that it gets worse with this kind of stress. Sorry for the long intro, I look forward to getting to know you all and being active here.

I understand how this could make you feel very tired and sad. Dealing with a disordered partner can be very difficult and really take its toll on you. You are also dealing with your own eating disorder, are you getting help from a specialist for these issues of your own?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

Hello texas_native,

I'd like to join The Board Parrot in welcoming you here.   

Though my ex was never diagnosed with BPD, she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Like your bf, she has always refused to consider mood stabilizing meds, despite them being suggested by her psychologist.  This was frustrating to me,  though I somewhat sympathize due to my experiences with my depressive and BPD mother,  who did try them.  In my mother's case I think they did help some.

My concern,  however,  is your safety. Take a look at the link that Kwamina posted.

That he was diagnosed is a good first step,  a baseline. We've had members here whose partners after being diagnosed have embraced therapy. However, we've had others who have reacted like your bf. All in all,  this is his Dx. Yet it can be helpful to learn how to support him (take a look at the lessons in the right sidebar).

At the end of the day,  however,  the primary concern is for your safety.  Who on your real life is aware of your struggles who can support you?

Turkish

[heartandwhole]

Hi texas_native,

I'd like join the other members and welcome you. You've found a great place for support. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. It is very understandable to feel tired and sad. I've been there, too, and it's very difficult. 

As the others have said, I encourage you to think about a Safety Plan. Hopefully you will never need it, but it does give peace of mind knowing what you will do before things escalate. That's much better than scrambling for resources in the heat of emotions.

You may also find this thread helpful to read. You are not alone, texas_native. Others have been in similar situations, and understand how difficult it is:

Domestic Violence (women)

Keep posting. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole