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Author Topic: Disappointed... looking for advice on how to proceed  (Read 328 times)
daverisk
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 76


« on: March 20, 2017, 03:18:05 PM »

Well, I had a disappointment today... .but not a surprise.  For those of you not following my saga... .in February my wife took out a loan... .about $1500... .at about 75% interest... .without telling me.  :)oesn't sound like a lot of money, but in Czechia it's more than most people make in a month.  Several possibilities as to what she did with the money... .drugs (but I doubt it)... .a needy friend (still doubtful)... .an old debt popping up (it's happened more than once)... .or... .she gave it to or spent it on her cousin/sexting partner/probable lover... .which seems the most likely scenario at this point.

After our blow up in February I asked her about the loan... .I found the papers... .her first comment was "you think I gave it to *******, don't you?"  Then she referred to some vague thing she had to pay... .an old debt that popped up... .but couldn't remember exactly what it was.

She was here today with our children while I was at my counseling appointment.  When I got home we talked about my appointment... .and our future marital counseling.  She asked what the objectives of counseling would be and I indicated building communication and trust.  Which eventually brought us to the topic of the loan... .she dug up some papers... .all in Czech... .to show me... .along with a receipt showing she paid just over 1500 to this company.  However, I had already seen this receipt... .the same night I found the loan papers... .the receipt was dated January 2016... .over a year before she took out the loan.

This was an opportunity for her to be truthful... .and she continued to lie.  I honestly don't know what she did with the money... .but it's looking more and more like she did give it to her cousin/lover.  

My dilemma is that this is technically still "the past"... .we have agreed not to address the past yet as she works her way through counseling... .and we've done no work on the trust and communication issue.  :)o I call her out on this blatant lie?  At some point a lie like this is a boundary... .but I'm not sure it is right now.  I don't think she's ready to admit the truth about the affair to herself, much less me at this point... .so admitting to giving him the money might be too big a hurdle... .she's still pretty new to the therapy... .Do I ignore it... .bring it up at a later date when we have some joint counseling together... .or do I bring it up soon hoping to avoid a blow up?  Not sure what to do.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 04:43:54 PM »

Things like this have always seemed a bit tricky to me. I typically try balance my "needing to know" with "will it actually help in any way, shape, or form to call her out" and "at this point, what does it really matter?"

My "need to know," if I were in your situation would be nothing more than curiosity and fear. I'm an inherently curious person. That was the source of many of the conflicts with my ex (and many other people in my world). Both my uBPDexgf and my dBPDexw often told me that they felt like I interrogated them or put them on try when I would allow my curiosity get the best of me.

I have learned that, quite often, what was beneath that curiosity was fear. I was afraid that my ex (take your pick as to which one) was doing something behind my back and was going to hurt me.

I have also learned that my curiosity and fear are just emotions, they are neither good nor bad, and I don't have to act on them.

What are your motivations for wanting to call her out? Do you think that it will help your situation or hurt it? What will it change if you ask her?
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daverisk
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 76


« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 05:44:42 PM »

Meili,

See, that's why I come here... .this is why I write.

My curiosity has gotten me in trouble too and is one of my wife's chief complaints about me.

I'm torn here... .I think you hit the nail on the head... .this is driven by fear of being hurt again... .or more... .

but I'm also torn because I don't know how to rebuild trust when there are so many lies between us. 

I actually went as far as to write her on FB Messenger about this... .and then erased it without hitting the send button.

My motivation?  part of me believes... .or fears... .that if she keeps this secret it lays the ground work for other lies in the future... .I fear that she will continue to make a fool out of me... .can she... .with therapy... .make the changes to become a loving wife and mother while still having this lie between us?  I know that if she would be completely open and honest with me about the money... .and the relationship... .I would be able to use this time apart to grieve... .and it would be a big sign to me that she's attempting to change... .yet the therapy and the upcoming inpatient treatment is also a sign to me that she recognizes a problem and that she's trying to change. 

I think I let it go... .at least for now... .at some point honesty has to become one of my boundaries... .but I don't think I can do that ex post facto... .to some extent the statute of limitations has run out.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 10:13:40 AM »

What I discovered when I was concerned about my ex cheating and believed that she was lying to me was that no matter what she told me about the situation, or how plausible her assertions were, I didn't believe her. The only thing that I would have believed, at the time, was that she did cheat on me. Even then, I would have likely questioned whether or not she was just telling me that to get me to drop the subject.

It had nothing to do with that particular situation, but, rather, it was a culmination of all that I had experienced with her. I didn't trust her. Because of my family of origin and my ex's actions that mimicked what had become so familiar to me, I was constantly on red alert and at a state of hypersensitivity to anything that might produce more hurt.

I finally had to accept that was the reality of my world. My own fears were creating unnecessary stress and tension in the relationship. It was a spiral that was taking us down into the abyss faster than I could mitigate.

I knew that she wouldn't stop the spiral, so I had to be the one who did it. I had to learn why I was so hypersensitive. That was the first step that I took in rebuilding trust.

Defining and maintaining healthier boundaries was the next step. There were some things that I just refused to allow in my world again.

Listening with empathy, and discussing matters in a healthier manner that would allow for open and honest communication also came into play. I had to stop worrying about proving to her that I was right about things. I had to start to listen to her and make her feel more safe and comfortable. When she started to feel safer, she started to let her guard down and thus I felt less like I was constantly in danger.

It's hard. It takes time. Trust can be rebuilt if people allow it though.
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daverisk
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 76


« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 12:06:41 PM »

I kind of talked about the hypersensitivity in counseling yesterday.  I was on both ends of the spectrum... .on the one hand over reacting to things she did... .for instance... .she's on a girl's night out and two weeks in a row one of her male friends just happens to show up at the club she's at... .I was CERTAIN she'd called him... .turns out it was one of her girlfriends... .I over reacted... .but this was the fight that got her into therapy... .so there is that.

On the other hand... .I really tried hard to believe the lies she told about her cousin... .and other situations... .so as not to have to face the truth myself... .in counseling I called that my irrational self... .in both cases.  My T pointed out that it was also this irrational self that provides me with hope so I can keep working to improve my marriage.  Not over reacting... .and boundaries... .that's what I need.
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