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TitansBraves2017

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« on: March 20, 2017, 06:18:06 PM »

I am new to this but have realized my ex has BPD, or at least traits of it. We have dated on 3 separate occasions. This time she came back and said her head and her heart have not stopped thinking about me and our relationship since we met. We started seeing each other again and she told me that she wanted to take the lead to earn my trust. I agreed with that and 3 weeks later, one of her friends told me that I needed to ask her to do something because she was getting frustrated. That made no sense to me but I asked her and we went on two dates that week. I left for a weeklong business trip. I had asked her if she wanted to get together when I came back and she was coming over after work. Instead of doing that, she called. We talked for a few minutes and I asked what she was doing the next night so we could get together. She said she had plans to go to a concert. I asked who with and she said that someone had asked her out and she was going to go. I was furious. She said "You have no right to be angry!" I said I am angry and that she can't tell me how I'm supposed to feel. "We aren't dating!" she said, when in fact we had said we were "dating" the previous week. "Well, you weren't reciprocating so I have every right to pursue someone who is. You didn't even ask me about my weekend" when in fact, I had asked her to get together when I got back. "It's been 2 months!" which makes no sense, it was 2 months when she started texting me but only one month since she told me that she wanted to date again, and we had been dating ever since. She asked how I felt about her, and I told her, and then she said that it doesn't seem like I feel that way and seems like a complete turn in the other direction. She had zero empathy for me, completely lacked an understanding of my side of the story, invalidated my feelings, and did something very selfish, hurtful, and disrespectful. And blamed it on me. I waited a couple of days and deleted her on all social media, and blocked her phone and emails. I have been grieving for the past two months, but am getting much much better. I have no desire whatsoever to talk to her, see her, or be around her in any way. I'm sure I'll run into her at some point, but my plan is to go in the complete opposite direction.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 09:05:23 PM »

Hi TitansBraves

Welcome

Sorry to hear this.

What was the total timeframe you were involved?
Did you have feelings for her?

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roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 09:51:45 PM »

Welcome titan,

The lack of empathy is something that really does stand out. And I had to grudgingly look at myself too and see the part I played.

But your experience is what has me so afraid down the line if I'm recycled and I allow it. Those feelings are hard to let go of. Especially if they come back asking for another chance.

You're in the right place though. Good job going this long. Keep sharing. Because it's helping me as well.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2017, 10:12:29 AM »

We had been involved for 3 years, only dating for a few months at a time. It's pretty foolish of me to allow her another chance but she asked me to trust her, promised she had changed, and wanted to prove herself. And she had changed for the worse and finally did prove herself. The last 2 months have been hard but I see who she is now. I understand her tactics and her selfishness and her evasiveness. So while it has hurt, it also makes it easier to move on.
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AustenJ
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2017, 11:56:04 AM »

my exBPDgf is like yours in how she behaves with her millennial male friends... .she get's around to dating all of them in the group and then recycles all of them for sex over a couple of years... .she's not just doing this with you, she's doing it to all the men in her life... .
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2017, 12:16:36 PM »

I honestly don't care what she is doing and if she's doing the same thing with other people. I'm more concerned about getting myself back into a healthy and happy place and moving on with my life.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2017, 11:25:03 PM »

We had been involved for 3 years, only dating for a few months at a time. It's pretty foolish of me to allow her another chance but she asked me to trust her, promised she had changed, and wanted to prove herself. And she had changed for the worse and finally did prove herself. The last 2 months have been hard but I see who she is now. I understand her tactics and her selfishness and her evasiveness. So while it has hurt, it also makes it easier to move on.

Foolish is a word I really feel doesn't have any place in Disordered relationships.
It sounds to me like you went back with honest intentions. Did your best.
That's not foolish.
It's totally and utterly understandable actually... .if you really think about it.

What she did is on her. Not on you.
That's her failing.

Brave is a word that applies here tho - and I think you've been brave, in recognizing and then following thru - on what you need to do.

I'm not sure if you've read the article on No Contact, but it's worth reading if you've not:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

It sounds like you're hurting - but you're thinking clearly.

The betrayal hurts very bad - but in hindsight, sometimes we're almost grateful for it.
It allows us to walk away.

What are you doing for self care?

Have you tried meditating or a gratitude journal ?

Are you having much rumination?

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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2017, 10:53:57 AM »

I have been seeing a therapist and doing meditation. Working out and traveling. I've been avoiding the places that I know she goes. I have completely blocked her on everything. I had been ruminating quite a bit, what could I have done or said dofferently for several weeks. Then it was more about the red flags that I ignored. And now every time I start to think of it I tell myself this is who she is and there is nothing I could have done to change it, only prolong it. For some reason this morning I have been thinking about it more than the past few days. I feel like this is something that will come and go and be a process for a while. I have started dating again, slowly, and not rushing in to anything.
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allienoah
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2017, 11:15:46 AM »

Foolish is a word I really feel doesn't have any place in Disordered relationships.
It sounds to me like you went back with honest intentions. Did your best.
That's not foolish.
It's totally and utterly understandable actually... .if you really think about it.

What she did is on her. Not on you.
That's her failing.

Brave is a word that applies here tho - and I think you've been brave, in recognizing and then following thru - on what you need to do.

The betrayal hurts very bad - but in hindsight, sometimes we're almost grateful for it.
It allows us to walk away.


I can completely relate to this. Everyone that cares about me tells me to get out of my r/s with bfwBPD but he has this hold on me I am trying to shed myself of. It is a painfully slow process. Everyone was right when they said that when I finally started enforcing boundaries, he would accelerate. This makes it more difficult as I know it is part of the process, yet the verbal abuse is horrible. My question is this... if he is flipping this situation that he flips out because I haven't done what he wants, so that is proving I don't love him enough... what do I do with that. The problem is I used to placate him, sooth him, tell him I will try to do what he wants (basically tell my kids that he has to be around when they visit-they refuse to see him) If I don't do that, I "don't have his back" I see it as reasonable to ask him to give me one night with them if I ask. We had talked about moving in together many times. Unfortunately this push/pull contest he has going on with my kids makes me very uncomfortable. I can't commit to moving in and he can't understand why. His verbal assaults also make me feel I would be a prisoner.



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infjEpic
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2017, 09:42:13 AM »

I have been seeing a therapist and doing meditation. Working out and traveling. I've been avoiding the places that I know she goes. I have completely blocked her on everything. I had been ruminating quite a bit, what could I have done or said dofferently for several weeks. Then it was more about the red flags that I ignored. And now every time I start to think of it I tell myself this is who she is and there is nothing I could have done to change it, only prolong it.

It takes a while to understand this.
But it really is vital.

It also will make it start to hurt less, in time.

In terms of dealing with ruminations, I find self care practises are very important.

You might find this link useful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Excerpt
For some reason this morning I have been thinking about it more than the past few days. I feel like this is something that will come and go and be a process for a while. I have started dating again, slowly, and not rushing in to anything.

I found the same thing - it would ebb and flow.
And your description is very apt - it's a process.

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infjEpic
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« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2017, 09:50:44 AM »

I can completely relate to this. Everyone that cares about me tells me to get out of my r/s with bfwBPD but he has this hold on me I am trying to shed myself of. It is a painfully slow process.

Everyone was right when they said that when I finally started enforcing boundaries, he would accelerate. This makes it more difficult as I know it is part of the process, yet the verbal abuse is horrible.

My question is this... if he is flipping this situation that he flips out because I haven't done what he wants, so that is proving I don't love him enough... what do I do with that.

The problem is I used to placate him, sooth him, tell him I will try to do what he wants (basically tell my kids that he has to be around when they visit-they refuse to see him)

 If I don't do that, I "don't have his back" I see it as reasonable to ask him to give me one night with them if I ask.

 We had talked about moving in together many times. Unfortunately this push/pull contest he has going on with my kids makes me very uncomfortable. I can't commit to moving in and he can't understand why. His verbal assaults also make me feel I would be a prisoner.

I don't have a great deal of advice on this particular theme, because ultimately I came to the conclusion that it was futile.

But there are several links here you may find relevant - they are not a cure, but they may help to make life more peaceful for a while:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Regardless of what you do - you must assess moving in with him from a worst case scenario perspective.

You can hope for the best, but you must prepare for the worst.

Having lived with my BPDex, I can tell you from my personal experience - that was the switch that flicked, which made everything unbearable.
Had I not lived with her - I think the relationship could have lasted quite a bit longer - but the outcome would have been the same regardless.

It's important to understand that, living together will not be a panacea of any kind.
It will in fact amplify the intensity of everything, including the disordered and abusive behaviour.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2017, 10:44:24 AM »

One thing that has helped me is to write out (but don't send) what I would say to her. Everything I'm thinking and feeling. Open up a Word doc and type it all out, save it with the date, and read it over. I can tell that over time my anger and sadness have subsided. Make sure you don't actually send it.
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Sadly
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« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2017, 10:48:26 AM »

I do this too. Once , I sent it, that went down well, not.
Love from
Sadly x
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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2017, 01:32:09 PM »

I can really relate to this situation in oh, so many ways.

We were on and off for two years. It was push pull, but what I realised is that it was based on her convenienced. If I was the best available, she would be with me - if she met someone new and shiny, she would try that out and then tell me she did nothing wrong, or begrudgingly apologised and told me to get over it. No remorse, no willingness to change - just glib statements of regret or wanting to be a better person.

You're in a good place and focusing on the right things - principally you and what you're doing - so well done and just keep on working at it.
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FSTL
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« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2017, 01:33:58 PM »

I do this too. Once , I sent it, that went down well, not.
Love from
Sadly x


Yeh - did that as well (actually, more than once). Writing it down and not sending is so much better - I deal with my feelings without the drama and lack of validation from her. I actually do care what she thinks as it is psychotic nonsense anyway.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2017, 12:35:35 PM »

The hard part for me right now is that I am so sensitive. I started dating but I am scared, about jumping right into something or even worse, doing the reverse to someone else. It gives me anxiety. How long do you think this will last?
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Sadly
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« Reply #16 on: March 26, 2017, 12:56:23 PM »

Hi TB,
I don't know, maybe you are not ready yet if it makes you that anxious. There are so many stories I have read on here, everyone is different. Personally I can't contemplate it, I still love my ex and the thought of anyone else fills me with fear and almost revulsion. I guess I have a long way to go. Some here say get right in and start dating again, it worked for them. I think it's all down to the individual but for me, if it fills you with anxiety and fear, don't do it yet. Hope this helps a bit.
Love from
Sadly x
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« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2017, 07:07:49 PM »

I'm very grateful for this thread.

Thank you for sharing.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2017, 08:01:25 PM »

The hard part for me right now is that I am so sensitive. I started dating but I am scared, about jumping right into something or even worse, doing the reverse to someone else. It gives me anxiety. How long do you think this will last?

How long will it last - it's very hard to say.

You might meet somebody normal and it might fade away quickly.

Personally, I just decided to take time away from dating until I felt I was ready.

Ready to me - was being hungrier to meet someone new and kind, than I was scared of meeting somebody nasty.
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earlyL
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« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2017, 08:06:56 PM »

How long will it last - it's very hard to say.

Ready to me - was being hungrier to meet someone new and kind, than I was scared of meeting somebody nasty.


This is a great way of putting it, I don't feel at all I could even cope being in a relationship with someone at the moment, but I know I don't want my ex back and that is a huge milestone. I think I will know when the time is right, as it will be what I want. But only you know your feelings. Just take things slowly and follow your gut instinct. I wish I had done that earlier.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2017, 08:49:26 PM »

Not wanting her back is the interesting part. I wish I had done some things differently, but that doesn't excuse what she did, nor would it change anything or change her. I have zero desire to talk to her or see her in any way. I realize she is so detached from reality that there is no going back. After two days I blocked her on everything and I know there is no way she can contact me.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2017, 06:03:24 PM »

And strangely for some reason today I have been hoping she contacts me. I don't know why. I would never get back with her or give her another chance but for some reason I have been hoping that she does. So strange. I have blocked her on everything so there is no way she can without doing it in person or a letter. Hopefully this will subside.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2017, 09:56:14 AM »

And today I am feeling pretty sad about it. I'm not sure why. I wish things had been different. I know she is not different. I just want to forget about her and not feel this way any more.
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allienoah
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« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2017, 10:20:20 AM »

so sorry you are feeling so down today! Just give yourself permission to be sad, and try to think of something good to do for yourself. Try not to ruminate , and also understand that you won't forget. If you could forget, you'd be out of pain but you would not have learned anything. I try to listen to my own words but it is very hard when that ache just takes over. It's that constant ache I fear. That is why I still haven't been able to fully detach and constantly go for the recycle. But I don't live in peace. You are on your way to peace and I applaud your courage on this journey.
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« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2017, 10:47:45 AM »

It might be helpful to recognize that BPD people are incredibly emotive in the beginning-- they say powerfully emotional things to draw you in. It's like a spider in a web strumming a sweet tune-- the fly can't help but want to go in and hear more. This is an intoxicating song, especially if you haven't heard anything like it before. If you haven't been in a real, positive, loving relationship how could you tell there is danger ahead?

My ex uBPD was like that in the beginning. What I now recognize as "oversharing" was in the beginning a wonderful feeling-- wow, this person is sharing all their hopes and fears with me. They really want me to be in their life as someone to be "their everything!" Isn't that what love is supposed to be?

The problem though, as you begin to find out at great pain, is you really aren't their "everything." In fact, you become the target at some point. Their inability to cope gets turned against you. Their fears, lack of confidence, mistrust, etc. gets projected upon you. For many of us "flies" instead of running away, we misinterpret the situation and think, "I just need to fight through their fears and show them I am worthy. I can be their strength. They need me, and I will be their champion."

Uh, no. Sadly, it doesn't turn out that way. You can't "change" them, nor can you figure them out. Instead, you get wrapped up tighter and tighter in the web and feel like you are truly trapped.
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allienoah
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« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2017, 11:01:08 AM »

It might be helpful to recognize that BPD people are incredibly emotive in the beginning-- they say powerfully emotional things to draw you in. It's like a spider in a web strumming a sweet tune-- the fly can't help but want to go in and hear more. This is an intoxicating song, especially if you haven't heard anything like it before. If you haven't been in a real, positive, loving relationship how could you tell there is danger ahead?

My ex uBPD was like that in the beginning. What I now recognize as "oversharing" was in the beginning a wonderful feeling-- wow, this person is sharing all their hopes and fears with me. They really want me to be in their life as someone to be "their everything!" Isn't that what love is supposed to be?

The problem though, as you begin to find out at great pain, is you really aren't their "everything." In fact, you become the target at some point. Their inability to cope gets turned against you. Their fears, lack of confidence, mistrust, etc. gets projected upon you. For many of us "flies" instead of running away, we misinterpret the situation and think, "I just need to fight through their fears and show them I am worthy. I can be their strength. They need me, and I will be their champion."

Uh, no. Sadly, it doesn't turn out that way. You can't "change" them, nor can you figure them out. Instead, you get wrapped up tighter and tighter in the web and feel like you are truly trapped.

Very well said! I am at the point where I am definitely the target, yet he still throws in a strong dose of "I've never loved anyone like I love you" and so on. It unfortunately has been enough to keep me in the web. Being on this forum is little by little helping me to see that I am not healthy, as I have put up with this behavior, and been recycling too long. I do understand more about what he goes through in his head. When he tells me he is "all over the place" I now know that none of them are good.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #26 on: March 29, 2017, 11:50:12 AM »

"All over the place" is a phrase she has used multiple times. Funny how that works. Not only in words but actions.
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« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2017, 12:32:58 PM »

Well, we all want to feel like we matter, right? We want to love and be loved. We want to feel special, and know that when we help the people we love they appreciate it. At times, we also want to be supported by them.

And that's how the BPDs get us. They make us feel like we are all of those things-- like in the first 5 minutes of meeting them! "You are so special. You are the ONE! I just knew from the first moment you were my soul mate!"  Sound familiar? "No one has ever understood me like you do."

So we sink deeper and deeper in, believing that they are saying these things based on their minds and hearts. In reality, it's neither. But we don't know that, do we? The moment we start to figure it out, our compassion is turned against us. "You don't know what it's like to be me." "How can you leave me when you know how much I need you?" Or a hundred other guilt-laden, manipulative comments are used to keep us from taking care of ourselves. The healthier we get, the more that hurts/alienates them, so the worse they treat us. At least that has been my experience.

At some point I think you do achieve escape velocity-- I want to believe I am getting close, but wow is it a challenge!
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« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2017, 01:01:26 PM »

I like that phrase "escape velocity". I honestly think I am getting close as well. and it certainly is a challenge. I struggle with the fear of that physical pain/anxiety that breaking up with him brings me. If I knew I wouldn't feel that, I'd prob be gone. Therein lies the truth that I need to work on myself so I can deal with those feelings and that fear. I am an intelligent person, well-respected. I KNOW deep down this is not healthy. I KNOW my kids have a tremendous right to feel what they feel. I KNOW why my friends/sister are worried about me if I continue with him. It is so frustrating to be aware of these facts, yet unable to cut the cord. But I am definitely working on it.
It's sad to think I believed the "love-bombing". I truly believe he loves me, but only to his own capacity of love, not one that is healthy.
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2017, 05:30:28 PM »

I had a "run-in" last night. She was at a wine festival that I was at. She was helping to pour wine while I was there on a date. I noticed her but didn't make eye contact. Later I felt her staring me down and I had to tell my date that we needed to go to another part of the arena. It wasn't quite the gut punch that I expected but still it bothered me to see her.
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