Her reactions to not getting her own way, are extreme. The psychiatrist has also been leaning towards her having NPD because of it, well and because of other traits that she shows.
But her reaction is usually to become violent, in the past year we have had to call the police 10 to 12 times because she has gone after me. ( i am fairly smaller than she is, so i have had to defend myself).
The police have not ever charged her, because i was her mother... .and when i look back now, i am happy that she didn't get charged. A juvenile record of any sorts wouldn't be beneficial for her.
She has been suspended from school 3 times due to being violent.
Thankfully in the past 2 months, she has only become physical with me once. At that time, i was straight forward with her and told her that people can only deal with being beaten up so many times until they go into survival mode and snap and not be able to stop and that i was heading that way even though i really didn't want too... .
I think that was a realization for her, and the medication she is on for her aggression has helped a lot as well.
Now , when she doesn't get her way she has a temper tantrum and goes into her room and screams... .which i am absolutely fine with, and i can handle that.
One of the biggest way's i have found to communicate with her, when her emotions are high is to message her through FB.
I make sure to validate her feelings, i point out her viewpoints she knows i understand where she is coming from and then i explain why i did or feel the way that i do. I don't use blame words, i say things like ' when you do such and such , it makes me feel ... .such and such '
I find that it is better than talking face to face sometimes, because she tends to take what i say in the moment and turn it into a negative thing (the dr has also said that she has noticed she does this, and she doesnt think she can help it). Sending her messages gives her a chance to read what i wrote and think about it , and not having to give me an answer right at that moment.
Sometimes she doesn't answer me at all, but when she comes home or come's out of her room she is in better spirits.
Hi SM
We all can only do our best and I know that feeling of wanting your BPDs out of the home. It got to the point that I couldn't see one good thing in him. I now know better and that my criticising and wagging my finger at home made it worse. My situation was so confusing to me.
I've got my BPDs26 living back home. We got him through school to 18. He then dropped out at Uni, failures in jobs from then on. He was not functioning and did not have specific skills that he needs to live independently - like financial mgt. Crucially, our relationship was extremely poor.
It took me 10 years to work it out. I'd tried everything to try and change him and it was just wasted energy.
I had to become the parent he needed, not the one I thought I should be. I got to work on creating a more nurturing environment at home and focussed on improving my relationship with him. It's like I've got an orchid that will only bloom in the right conditions. My reasoning was that, regardless of what choices he makes, he needs us and our non judgmental love.
This has had a huge positive impact on my family. My BPDs now knows he can make mistakes safely without judgment. there's still problems but he makes stready progress. I've learnt to be assertive but loving on the important parts of us living together.
We all learn by our mistakes.
You've asked about discipline. This isn't so easy to answer because what I find acceptable you may not. We're all different.
If I set a limit my BPDs resists, despite agreeing to it, It takes him 5-6 attempts to get it right. The fact that he failed along the way wasn't judged. We'd talk about it and agree a different approach but the limit remained. If it was something important, then there was a limit and we'd have to find a way forward. If it's unimportant then there's no problem. It's a matter of priorities.
Can I get a better idea of your situation? If your daughter doesn't get her way, what happens?
LP