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Author Topic: Hello Teen daughter w/ possible borderline personality disorder... need advice  (Read 409 times)
SammysMom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 15


« on: March 20, 2017, 11:01:35 PM »

Hello, i am a new member  and i am very glad that i have found this site!
I have been having difficulties with my 14 (almost 15 yr old) daughter for many many years, she has been diagnosed with ADD and Anxiety when she was 9 years old.
It was thought that she had possible bipolar, however upon our visits with a psychiatrist she is leaning towards my daughter having borderline personality disorder as well as narcissistic disorder.
Upon my research, i have realized that these two fit my daughter to a T.
She started medication for her aggression about a month ago, and they have helped immensely! She used to be very violent , and it has gotten worse within the past year. However, she has not been psychical towards anyone in about a months time.
I learned a while ago , that she doesn't seem to be effected by normal punishments.
If i ground her, she walks out.
If i take something away, it doesn't seem to phase her.
We do a lot of communication , on the days that are good ... .usually though, she gets very aggravated very fast.
At this moment it is almost midnight and her curfew is 10:30 p,m and she is not home yet.
I have tried compromising with her, and asking to at least message or call me when she is going to be late but she very rarely does this.
My worry is her getting herself into trouble, or putting herself in unsafe situations.
Has anyone found any way to discipline their teens and have it actually work and get your point across?

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 05:31:43 PM »

Hi there

I wanted to welcome you to the forum.  I'm sorry what brings you but am very glad you're here. Having a child that finds it difficult to cope with their emotions is so exhausting and I'm sorry you've had such a tough ride.

I encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD. Everything you need to start is in the top right hand side of this page.

The more I learn the more I understood and then the less I reacted.  Learning better communication and validation skills was vital.  It gave me confidence to assert myself but in a more loving way. I was so used to walking on egg shells around my son. My parenting was either too harsh or too soft.

I have an adult son 26, diagnosed at 24 and he returned home following a crisis. He's left home and returned many times. I always saved him, tried to fix his problems. I prevented his development and he's more like a 22 year old. Since I've changed my approach there's been a vast improvement in our relationship and he's responded well to the responsibilities.

I was very confused at first with the difference between boundaries and limits.  These are very important.   Boundaries relate to your own personal boundaries and relate to things you will not tolerate, that go against your own morals and values (e.g. you will not hit me, I do want drugs in my house) kind of stuff.  Boundaries are 6 ft thick concrete that always have fair consequences.  Limits are the day to day household stuff and are negotiable (you don't take the car without asking, you call me if you are late etc).

You may want to think about this and how you might apply some. We are all different, our situations unique, it's about what is right for you and your family. Has the therapist ever discussed this with you?

Do you have any support for yourself?

I look forward to reading your posts.

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
SammysMom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 15


« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 12:13:25 AM »

Thank you for your reply Smiling (click to insert in post)
When my daughter was 12 we were involved with a mental health program that had started DBT therapy, thankfully i am somewhat educated on appropriate ways to communicate and i have figured out a few quirks that do work with Sammy, however some days are a hit and miss.
She did not come home until 1:30 am.
She came in automatically apologizing , and i explained that there was no exuse for her being late or not at least contacting me to let me know she was safe.
We were supposed to go to the movies to see Beauty and The Beast (she is inlove with disney right now).
I told her that she lost the chance to go at the planned night... but if she comes home on time or calls me and she MUST be home BY midnight (because ive come to realize that , that is her preffered time and i am only driving myself crazy trying to make her be home by 10:30 every night) than i will take her to see the movie at the end of the month.
We also have a very difficult time with her schooling, i have had to put her in an alternative program where she does the work at home but even that has been a struggle.
While i was at work today though she sat down and did in fact do 3 quarters of her school work and she was home at 10:30 pm tonight.
I am not expecting her to do this every single night because i have done my research on borderline personality disorder... .and illl be truthful it has made my thinking process much easier... i do not find myself taking her actions personally anymore.
I am hoping that things start looking up because it was to the point that i couldnt handle her living here anymore.  






Hi there

I wanted to welcome you to the forum.  I'm sorry what brings you but am very glad you're here. Having a child that finds it difficult to cope with their emotions is so exhausting and I'm sorry you've had such a tough ride.

I encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD. Everything you need to start is in the top right hand side of this page.

The more I learn the more I understood and then the less I reacted.  Learning better communication and validation skills was vital.  It gave me confidence to assert myself but in a more loving way. I was so used to walking on egg shells around my son. My parenting was either too harsh or too soft.

I have an adult son 26, diagnosed at 24 and he returned home following a crisis. He's left home and returned many times. I always saved him, tried to fix his problems. I prevented his development and he's more like a 22 year old. Since I've changed my approach there's been a vast improvement in our relationship and he's responded well to the responsibilities.

I was very confused at first with the difference between boundaries and limits.  These are very important.   Boundaries relate to your own personal boundaries and relate to things you will not tolerate, that go against your own morals and values (e.g. you will not hit me, I do want drugs in my house) kind of stuff.  Boundaries are 6 ft thick concrete that always have fair consequences.  Limits are the day to day household stuff and are negotiable (you don't take the car without asking, you call me if you are late etc).

You may want to think about this and how you might apply some. We are all different, our situations unique, it's about what is right for you and your family. Has the therapist ever discussed this with you?

Do you have any support for yourself?

I look forward to reading your posts.

LP

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Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 03:19:28 AM »

Hi SM

We all can only do our best and I know that feeling of wanting your BPDs out of the home. It got to the point that I couldn't see one good thing in him. I now know better and that my criticising and wagging my finger at home made it worse. My situation was so confusing to me.

I've got my BPDs26 living back home. We got him through school to 18. He then dropped out at Uni, failures in jobs from then on. He was not functioning and did not have specific skills that he needs to live independently - like financial mgt.  Crucially, our relationship was extremely poor.

It took me 10 years to work it out. I'd tried everything to try and change him and it was just wasted energy.

I had to become the parent he needed, not the one I thought I should be. I got to work on creating a more nurturing environment at home and focussed on improving my relationship with him. It's like I've got an orchid that will only bloom in the right conditions. My reasoning was that, regardless of what choices he makes, he needs us and our non judgmental love.

This has had a huge positive impact on my family. My BPDs now knows he can make mistakes safely without judgment. there's still problems but he makes stready progress.  I've learnt to be assertive but loving on the important parts of us living together.  

We all learn by our mistakes.

You've asked about discipline. This isn't so easy to answer because what I find acceptable you may not. We're all different.

If I set a limit my BPDs resists, despite agreeing to it, It takes him 5-6 attempts to get it right. The fact that he failed along the way wasn't judged. We'd talk about it and agree a different approach but the limit remained. If it was something important, then there was a limit and we'd have to find a way forward. If it's unimportant then there's no problem. It's a matter of priorities.

Can I get a better idea of your situation? If your daughter doesn't get her way, what happens?

LP


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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
SammysMom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 15


« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 08:29:51 AM »


Her reactions to not getting her own way, are extreme. The psychiatrist has also been leaning towards her having NPD because of it, well and because of other traits that she shows.
But her reaction is usually to become violent, in the past year we have had to call the police 10 to 12 times because she has gone after me. ( i am fairly smaller than she is, so i have had to defend myself).
The police have not ever charged her, because i was her mother... .and when i look back now, i am happy that she didn't get charged. A juvenile record of any sorts wouldn't be beneficial for her.
She has been suspended from school 3 times due to being violent.
Thankfully in the past 2 months, she has only become physical with me once. At that time, i was straight forward with her and told her that people can only deal with being beaten up so many times until they go into survival mode and snap and not be able to stop and that i was heading that way even though i really didn't want too... .
I think that was a realization for her, and the medication she is on for her aggression has helped a lot as well.
Now , when she doesn't get her way she has a temper tantrum and goes into her room and screams... .which i am absolutely fine with, and i can handle that.
One of the biggest way's i have found to communicate with her, when her emotions are high is to message her through FB.
I make sure to validate her feelings, i point out her viewpoints she knows i understand where she is coming from and then i explain why i did or feel the way that i do. I don't use blame words, i say things like ' when you do such and such , it makes me feel ... .such and such '
I find that it is better than talking face to face sometimes, because she tends to take what i say in the moment and turn it into a negative thing (the dr has also said that she has noticed she does this, and she doesnt think she can help it). Sending her messages gives her a chance to read what i wrote and think about it , and not having to give me an answer right at that moment.
Sometimes she doesn't answer me at all, but when she comes home or come's out of her room she is in better spirits.






Hi SM

We all can only do our best and I know that feeling of wanting your BPDs out of the home. It got to the point that I couldn't see one good thing in him. I now know better and that my criticising and wagging my finger at home made it worse. My situation was so confusing to me.

I've got my BPDs26 living back home. We got him through school to 18. He then dropped out at Uni, failures in jobs from then on. He was not functioning and did not have specific skills that he needs to live independently - like financial mgt.  Crucially, our relationship was extremely poor.

It took me 10 years to work it out. I'd tried everything to try and change him and it was just wasted energy.

I had to become the parent he needed, not the one I thought I should be. I got to work on creating a more nurturing environment at home and focussed on improving my relationship with him. It's like I've got an orchid that will only bloom in the right conditions. My reasoning was that, regardless of what choices he makes, he needs us and our non judgmental love.

This has had a huge positive impact on my family. My BPDs now knows he can make mistakes safely without judgment. there's still problems but he makes stready progress.  I've learnt to be assertive but loving on the important parts of us living together.  

We all learn by our mistakes.

You've asked about discipline. This isn't so easy to answer because what I find acceptable you may not. We're all different.

If I set a limit my BPDs resists, despite agreeing to it, It takes him 5-6 attempts to get it right. The fact that he failed along the way wasn't judged. We'd talk about it and agree a different approach but the limit remained. If it was something important, then there was a limit and we'd have to find a way forward. If it's unimportant then there's no problem. It's a matter of priorities.

Can I get a better idea of your situation? If your daughter doesn't get her way, what happens?

LP



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