How to communicate with surviving spouse of recently deceased BPD parent?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi again   This long-ish post is a spin-off of my recent post about my lack of grief upon my uBPD mother's recent death at age 67, after ~19 years no contact. That time included my choice to move out of state and then out of the country to avoid her violent outbursts, stalking and meddling with my work and business which continued until last year  

So, I was also in complete no-contact with my dad, the passive foil to her mostly Witch / often Queen / occasionally Hermit BPD female archetype.

The story is that I left home as a teen to escape the violent, abusive, neglectful, and head-trippy hell they created. But even then, I felt I might still be able to have rational conversations with my dad. Soon after, my mother sent a message through my sister that my dad had told my mother to "just let her [me] go." So I feel like he kind of put himself on the no-contact list, if that makes sense?

I have always stayed in contact with that sister. I was also in contact with one uncle on my dad's side until 2012 when I found out he was introducing topics to our conversations which had been suggested by my mother and then reporting to her about them.  At that point I decided to go no-contact with him too.

Anyway a few weeks ago, just after my mother died, I made it clear to my sister that I would and could not (for emotional, financial, and immigration paperwork reasons) go to the funeral.

Then my dad emailed, through her, the second of only two communications he has written me in the past 18 years (there have been no phone calls):

Hi (MissyG),
How are you? I hope you are doing well under the circumstance of your mother's passing.
I'd like to invite you to the funeral taking place on (date).
A round trip ticket plus hotel accommodation will be made available to you, as soon as you let (your sister) or me know.
I wish you God's blessing and comfort.
I love you.

Your Father,
(MissyG's bio dad)

I didn't expend the insane energy, personal magic,string-pulling and money to move mountains to be there. The experience would have sucked anyway. I know. I watched the livestream of her memorial service at her mega-church, including all the insincere speeches by family members pretending she was an angel, not a witch. And by extension (if I can draw from that) that anyone who didn't at least pretend to like her was perhaps evil?  I might also add that the funeral was held at the same church that ignored the signs of our family being in extreme distress and myself and my siblings needing help, for years. You see why that might not have been a healthy event for me to attend.

But now I feel I must write some sort of reply to my dad. But what to say? It would only be a very formal acknowledgemnt of her death and his loss, and I couldn't honestly say I felt sorrow nor any kind of affection. I definitely wouldn't write a recriminatory reply although I do have this annoyed feeling that to him writing this letter was like, "Okay she's gone now let's pretend everything was always cool."  Even if we entered into some kind of mediated reconcilation, I would be very wary and reluctant. But barring that... .again, what can I honestly say without making it seem like I'm agreeing, "Yeah, everything's cool now let's just forget all that other stuff la la la" ... .?

Anyway if you have been through a BPD parent's death, would you please share your opinions on whether I should write something (and what to write if so)? I may not have given the right amount of back story but either way, I will answer any of your questions and be grateful for your wisdom and attention!

Best,
MissyG

[MissyG]

Hi again   This long-ish post is a spin-off of my recent post about my lack of grief upon my uBPD mother's recent death at age 67, after ~19 years no contact. That time included my choice to move out of state and then out of the country to avoid her violent outbursts, stalking and meddling with my work and business which continued until last year  

So, I was also in complete no-contact with my dad, the passive foil to her mostly Witch / often Queen / occasionally Hermit BPD female archetype.

The story is that I left home as a teen to escape the violent, abusive, neglectful, and head-trippy hell they created. But even then, I felt I might still be able to have rational conversations with my dad. Soon after, my mother sent a message through my sister that my dad had told my mother to "just let her [me] go." So I feel like he kind of put himself on the no-contact list, if that makes sense?

I have always stayed in contact with that sister. I was also in contact with one uncle on my dad's side until 2012 when I found out he was introducing topics to our conversations which had been suggested by my mother and then reporting to her about them.  At that point I decided to go no-contact with him too.

Anyway a few weeks ago, just after my mother died, I made it clear to my sister that I would and could not (for emotional, financial, and immigration paperwork reasons) go to the funeral.

Then my dad emailed, through her, the second of only two communications he has written me in the past 18 years (there have been no phone calls):

Hi (MissyG),
How are you? I hope you are doing well under the circumstance of your mother's passing.
I'd like to invite you to the funeral taking place on (date).
A round trip ticket plus hotel accommodation will be made available to you, as soon as you let (your sister) or me know.
I wish you God's blessing and comfort.
I love you.

Your Father,
(MissyG's bio dad)

I didn't expend the insane energy, personal magic,string-pulling and money to move mountains to be there. The experience would have sucked anyway. I know. I watched the livestream of her memorial service at her mega-church, including all the insincere speeches by family members pretending she was an angel, not a witch. And by extension (if I can draw from that) that anyone who didn't at least pretend to like her was perhaps evil?  I might also add that the funeral was held at the same church that ignored the signs of our family being in extreme distress and myself and my siblings needing help, for years. You see why that might not have been a healthy event for me to attend.

But now I feel I must write some sort of reply to my dad. But what to say? It would only be a very formal acknowledgemnt of her death and his loss, and I couldn't honestly say I felt sorrow nor any kind of affection. I definitely wouldn't write a recriminatory reply although I do have this annoyed feeling that to him writing this letter was like, "Okay she's gone now let's pretend everything was always cool."  Even if we entered into some kind of mediated reconcilation, I would be very wary and reluctant. But barring that... .again, what can I honestly say without making it seem like I'm agreeing, "Yeah, everything's cool now let's just forget all that other stuff la la la" ... .?

Anyway if you have been through a BPD parent's death, would you please share your opinions on whether I should write something (and what to write if so)? I may not have given the right amount of back story but either way, I will answer any of your questions and be grateful for your wisdom and attention!

Best,
MissyG

[Fie]

Hello MissyG  

I remember your other post of course  

I think in this situation, as well as with the decision on whether or not going to the funeral, you should do whatever you *want* to do.

Do you want your dad in your life ? It's perfectly fine to not want to.

As for what to answer, only you can know. There also, you can actually answer him whatever you want. I would advise you to be honest, though. If you don't want to pretend that everything was fine, as you said, then please don't. Just be authentic. I think it's also best to not write an offensive answer, because you might regret that later on.

But really, anything goes. And you know what, you don't even have to answer.
That is something I have realized myself recently. As a child of a BPD mum, I was always expected to answer her impossible questions (baiting). If I didn't she would accuse me of being rude or start an argument on why I wasn't responding faster.  

Sometimes my parents send me texts I don't  really want to answer to. I have come to the realization that I am not obligated to answer. And that pretending I did not get the message might in some cases not be such a bad idea.

What do you think ?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi MissyG:   

I'm sorry about your current situation.  I can see that it is hard for you. 

One therapeutic way to approach the situation is to write a couple versions of a reply:

1.  One version where you let out every bad feeling that you can think of.  Take your time with it and work through the steps in the survivor's guide.  Capture your memories.  Reflect on where you are in the mourning process.  Perhaps this could be a step closer to healing?

2.  Draft a version, where you are ultra polite

3.  Draft a version that is a somewhere between 1 and 2 (maybe you have 4 levels?).  A reply that is polite, but makes some statements that indicate that you have a lot of hurt to work through.  If you want to open a door to resolve any issues with your dad, you could invite that opportunity.

Just let the words flow, by journaling the possible responses.  Then, perhaps you can reach a decision on what version you want to send now.  I'm thinking version 1, isn't the one you would send, but it can have therapeutic value.  If you can't decide between the ultra polite one and the midpoint one, you can always send the ultra polite one now and then follow up with a different version later, should you want to open a door to have an open discussion with your dad.

[MissyG]

Thanks for your insightful questions fie.

Do you want your dad in your life ? It's perfectly fine to not want to.

I want _a_ dad in my life, someone to play the role of a more-or-less consistently protective and caring older adult who is invested in my well-being and available to support me with attention advice listening and even actual hands-on help.

Thing is, my actual dad has demonstrated and proven beyond any doubt that he will not (and maybe cannot) play that role for me. Not even parts of it.

For that reason I don't want him as a specific individual in my life.

So I guess the answer is broadly yes, specifically, no.

It's been a few weeks so the option not to answer has felt do-able for a bit, and I'm aware I always have it. Thanks for the reminder.

Your baiting example is one reason why I think I may not answer anyone in the family system except the one sister at this point.   Either I answer with the expectation that they will be supportive and kind,  only to be disappointed yet again (with the added indignity of thinking the wait would have improved their behavior). OR I wisely expect that they will be disregardful and cruel as usual,  I don't answer, I don't take the bait, and Imaintain my composure and self-respect. I mean "she's" gone but everyone else played along with her with various awful relating tactics and I doubt they are going to suddenly change.
 

Naughty Nibbler,
Thanks for your kind and sympathetic words, the outline, and the options! I see the usefulness of your plan. It does feel therapeutic even to read through it! I feel ready to write private letters (I've done some of these to both of them over the years -burned them or kept them in my safe-box with no intention to send, just to read to myself and feel increasingly strong and independent.) Now is a good time to try it again!


I'm kind of seeing all this as a desperate gasp from a part of me that hasn't been fully put to rest despite my many years of therapy ,energy work, meditation, body work, etc. A part that REALLY WANTS MY FAMILY TO BE FAMILIAL!  Maybe that part will never die and is just human. But I know there are healthier and less healthy ways to manage it so... .that's why I came to this board for moral support and ideas.

 

[Notwendy]

I recall your post about this as well.

I don't know if your father wants a relationship with you, or if it was about appearances at the church if you didn't show up at the funeral.

My mother had painted me black to my father and all her relatives before he died. I considered not going to the funeral- because there was nobody there I wanted to see and since my mother had told a bunch of lies to me to them, it was kind of embarrassing to think they believed them. However, my kids wanted to pay respect to their grandfather and so we went as a family.

I don't think my mother gave a hoot whether I was there or not, other than the fact that it would not have looked good if the grandchildren weren't there.

However, I will say this- whatever motivated your father at this time-may not be who he is later on.  I know that my parents were very enmeshed, and it was hard to tell them apart in terms of what they wanted. He wanted what she wanted. Yet, now he isn't in this pattern. Time will tell whether he will change or not, but this is an opportunity to be an individual and you to relate to him as one.

I don't know if you will have the connection you wish for, but if there is to be any chance of it, it is now. I think it is a risk- and certainly up to you, but if you are willing to give it a go, I would contact him. However, you can still keep your personal boundaries and values and it is important that you do.

One of my mother's relatives reached out to me- after not being in contact with me much since the funeral. She has painted me black to this relative. I debated whether or not to respond. I decided that, this was his chance to know me as I am, not through her words. I don't know if it is possible to have the kind of relationship I would want with a family member, but part of every relationship is acceptance for who the person is. I decided to accept it at face value and respond. Your father may not know any other way but to be co-dependent and enabling. He has only done this for years. But if you can accept that he is who he is, and hold on to your boundaries, perhaps the two of you can get to know each other.

[MissyG]

Hi Notwendy! Thanks for remembering and commenting.

I don't know if your father wants a relationship with you, or if it was about appearances at the church if you didn't show up at the funeral.

My intuition is telling me there's a mixture. The greatest part is his wish for the funeral look like we have a unified family. The smallest part is knowing that as he's a year older than my mom and since she died without seeing me he might regret the same happening for himself. I don't think he really wants a close relationship. I suspect he just wants to feel like there has been some sort of contact and know that he made a minimal gesture before he died.
 

I don't think my mother gave a hoot whether I was there or not, other than the fact that it would not have looked good if the grandchildren weren't there.  

That is both heart-breaking and refreshing to read. One would wish there was more care but at the same time it is good to have one less source of unwanted social obligation :/
 

Time will tell whether he will change or not, but this is an opportunity to be an individual and you to relate to him as one... .part of every relationship is acceptance for who the person is... .hold on to your boundaries... .

The more I read through everyone's comments and listen to my feelings the more I realize how resistant I am to this, and how that resistance isn't the ultimate peace for me. I am resisting because I want that he would be the ideal dad if we get in touch, but that is infantile or a child part piping up, not a real present need. If I truly needed his dad-ness I would be dead (sorry to be dramatic but it's true). So yeah. I am working through the private letter idea from Naughty Nibbler and I am open to sending a medium-intensity version to him through my sister probably in a week or so. And offering him a post office box address if he wants to mail 'real' letters. I'm not ready for him to email me directly (sorry if that sounds weird but it's how I feel).

I will update you all when I make more progress! Thanks again for your attention and wisdom.

[Notwendy]

Your father may also be limited in his ability to have a relationship with you. It is hard to not feel sad that you don't have the kind of relationship you want with him. It may help to keep in mind that he also chose your mother, and so must share some kind of relationship dysfunction that could limit him in relating to you. But he also may not be hurtful to you.

The relative I mentioned who contacted me is very enmeshed with my mother, and so I imagine has to have some dysfunctional issues, or that wouldn't happen. A person with healthy boundaries would not have this relationship with her. I was disappointed in the exchange between us. It didn't seem to bring us any closer- but I also wonder if this is the best this person can do. They aren't mean, abusive, or malicious but a relationship may be distant at its best. But - if this is the best this person can do, then I can recognize that.

Your father may be doing the best he can do at this point. It sounds like you are setting up a way to make contact and have some boundaries. You can always reassess this. I do think it makes sense that your inner child wants a dad, but if this is the father you have, then you can get to know that father if you wish to.

[MissyG]

... .he also may not be hurtful to you.

This is a really good point that I must keep sight of. I think it got lost in all the wishful thinking of who I wished he could have been and still wish he would be. I made a black and white world where he is either perfect daddy-god or evil pawn to my mother. But as has been implied in this whole thread, he is probably just a person, and I can take this opportunity accept him as he is without mixing in all the rest. Maybe. Still working on the letters

[MissyG]

Okay, so, I decided to send this polite letter now and then the 'medium version' letter if he reaches out again  after he reads it.

"Thank you for your message and invitation. I also send you regards on this difficult occasion of the death of your wife and my mother.

I could not return to [] because of a legal restriction.  However thanks to the video broadcast I saw that the funeral and reception were well-attended.  I hope this was a comfort to you.

Sincerely,
MissyG
PO Box Address

This is all I can say sincerely without discussing boundaries that I feel must be agreed to if we can go forward beyond these letters! Anyway. Thanks again for all you all did to help me continue working through this. The work is obviously not over! The 'medium' version will probably keep changing with time too!
 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey MissyG:  

 
This is all I can say sincerely without discussing boundaries that I feel must be agreed to if we can go forward beyond these letters!  

I think you did a fine job on the reply

I just wanted to mention one thing about boundaries.  Boundaries are for you and your well being and protection.  It is not expected that someone agrees with them or that you announce them.  You just decide on them and enforce them consistently.  If someone questions a boundary, when you enforce it, you can choose to make a respectful reply, perhaps with SET or an"I" Statement  

[MissyG]

   Boundaries are for you and your well being and protection.  It is not expected that someone agrees with them or that you announce them. 

Okay wow - new perspective. Thanks Naughty Nibbler. I will watch the video and read that link.